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  • Parent roles

    We discussed how spouses experience divorce. Have deduced the formula: divorce is a small death. But what does it mean to divorce parents for a child?

    That at the conclusion of the marriage contract one of the key words - "divorce", is morally absurd. But in legal terms, probably, you can not do without it.

    But how things will be with the children - it meanwhile in the marriage contract is not stipulated even. Well, maybe, thank God. And why, by the way, does not stipulate? Because they are very difficult questions.

    The above biblical legend about Solomon's solution( see.) Is only so, for the sake of discussion. And how in reality are things with the division of children in the divorce of parents. ..

    Retired in other respects the judges do not raise the issue of the child, and so, they say, it is clear that the child is with the mother. Emotion "the maggot is the mother" hinders the decision on the divorce of

    And the father, the court explains, will receive from the inspector of the guardianship and trusteeship department of the district education department a "decree on the appointment" of the order of visits with the child.

    The mother with such judicial practice has the ability to discourage the child's contact with the father after the divorce. And ons uses these opportunities. She thinks that she gave him youth, and he ruined her life. And since it's so bad, then consequently:

    "he'll spoil the child",

    "he will be a child against me",

    • "he must be punished".

    And that is why all the obstacles are being erected: the child at his grandmother, he is sick, he "does not want to see you". ..

    At the same time, if she is told: why did you marry such a person, she is building manipulative psycho-protection: that IThen there was, the girl.

    In the face of this almost unmatched matriarchy, when a divorce is made against a child, the father most often ceases to act on the assertion of his parental rights. And then this is EXPRESSIVE SECRET.

    Divorce is preceded by a rupture of relations, and a complete pre-divorce break is preceded by tears, during which the mother, knowing about judicial practice, can already restrict the father's contact with the child.

    I am engaged in the problem of "parents in divorce" for many years.979 year. The then-Literaturnaya gazeta-LH, Literaturnaya Gazeta, Literaturna, as the then intelligentsia called it lovingly, was not that a ray of light in the dark realm, but a crevice through which fresh air penetrated into the musty room, which wasThe Soviet Union, and we were all not restricted. .. Everyone considered the Literary Literature as their newspaper, all

    corrupt and even unsecured intellectuals. Then I'll talk about this time and its inhabitants. And now only a local memory. There was in the "Literature" department of life. Its head Anatoly Rubinov and columnist Laura Velikanova were looking for sharp topics. Netnet, Brezhnev still did not touch, but only what was possible. It was possible about divorces and even about the dating service, which already gave the "Literature" a taste of piquancy. This is terrorism now, and then only intra-family terrorism. But also - entertained. I brought an article, which was later printed as an acute seasoning for the lackluster literary articles "LH".Rubinov, entering Laura Velikanova's office and finding me there, said:

    - You gave us more than an article, you gave us a topic.

    And indeed, after "Mom and Dad divorced" letters were sent and articles of several authors were printed on this topic I asked. Famous names: Larisa Kuznetsova, Alla Klimova, Leonid Zhukhovitsky. ..

    In the article that initiated the topic of divorced parents, I wrote about the need to observe the law, which says: "equal rights and equal duties".I warned of the dangers of non-compliance with this law. About female education in an incomplete family. About the offended divorced fathers and their mothers. The fact that in the courts should be without statements and disputes, and without fail the questions about children should be resolved. With whom to live a child - should depend to a large extent on the human qualities of the parents. If the father of the child, according to Geodakian, is at the bottom of the scale, then it is necessary to leave the children with the mother, and he should pay alimony and have access to the child for upbringing. Well, if the father is at the top of the scale, if he earns normally, if he proves his pedagogical abilities, and the mother has fewer pluses, then the child can stay with his father, providing "access" to the mother's child. I wrote that sometimes it even makes sense to leave the child to the father in spite of the desire of both. For example, if the mother is seriously ill.

    The article "Mom and Dad divorced" gave me many interesting acquaintances. Here's one of them. On the second day after the appearance of the article, I received a phone call and a dramatic children's story. His father is an artist, the mother is a film actress. The child is a boy of five. Father

    showed me his culinary skills. Indeed, it was very tasty. He showed me how he sews his son's costumes, - right "Mostekostyum."I was especially impressed by the outfit of the Pretender from Boris Godunov. He made an exhibition of his son's works - many small canvases. He perceived me as an all-powerful journalist. In those days, the articles in the Literary Gazette were filmed by big bosses. And I was just a candidate of psychological sciences, invited by "Litgazeta" as an author. However, I spoke even at the trial on the suit of the artist to the actress. The court made a painful impression on me. A dry crackling tongue-twister, the judge read out articles on the rights and obligations of the plaintiff and the defendant. I uttered some words in his favor. But when I tried to give a psychological analysis, I was interrupted: you have to give us answers to questions, and not to express your judgments. I answered then that this is not a criminal case, but a civil matter, here I am a psychologist, a psychotherapist, the author of the article. .. I was told that this does not apply to the case.

    But what is the substance of the matter? His wife often - on tour. The hotel environment, she could hardly take her son with her, she left him with her mother. In such circumstances, I would leave the child with my father, and the mother would provide guaranteed contact.