About how we need each other
One of the characteristic features of our time is the attitude to a small child as to some rather touching being, but nevertheless brainless, deprived of intelligence compared to us, adults. If you abstract from the parental feelings that nature inevitably awakens in the mother and father, and from the feelings of blood relationship, nourished by relatives, the relationship is bordered on the attitude to a beautiful and premium doll. If we are talking about some formal equality of the child with adults, then most likely we are disingenuous. For an adult, a baby is usually an underdeveloped adult, and therefore something inferior.
Not to mention a child who was not yet born. It seems to be just not there."They will have a child," - they say about the family waiting for the birth of the baby. It only will be. And now it simply does not exist. ..
And when it is very tiny and does not yet manifest its existence in the outward appearance of the mother, we consider it our right to decide whether he will live or not."Will you leave the child?" - is not the question asked by the doctor to the woman who first came to the examination, having suspected her pregnancy. Is the entire culture of our relationship to children, to each other, and, ultimately, to life in general, contained in this question in a concentrated form?
And the treatment of an infant at his birth? Let us ask ourselves: Is it possible to treat a person like that? Each of us would not wish this to himself. Why is this allowed in relation to the child? Is it because, for a man, he is not considered, at least for a full-fledged?
And then we talk about education, which, despite the abundance of theories and beautiful words, in practice comes down to a simple scheme: one person, intelligent( this is, of course, an adult, educator) has to teach something to another, stupid( this, of course, is a child, educated).And then there are easy to learn and difficult to learn. To the aid comes science - pedagogy, which with this attitude to the child will also be reduced to the task: how to achieve the goal of learning, no matter what.
And yet we love children. Not noticing that we love them with some kind of strange love, to which is mixed a secret sense of our own superiority, our own "completion".
Here, we intentionally try not to use the word "upbringing", meaning the educator and the educated. We are talking about interaction, involving equal partnership of parents and children in the processes of mutual enrichment and mutual growth, called parenthood and childhood.
"Conscious parenthood" is an attitude towards parenthood as a way of realizing the person, its development and spiritual growth. And our children really give us this opportunity.
If we do not consider ourselves to be simply protein bodies, if we are thinking about what life is, what the "I" is, then we will find that the birth of a new person is an event driven by forces beyond our understandinglimited intellect. This is a sacrament, experienced only in some transcendental way, beyond the bounds of ordinary logic. The sacrament of life and at the same time death, birth and dying, flowering and extinction. The secret that we are ourselves. And if we do not become like a fool who considers himself perfect and wise, we must recognize this mystery that a child brings to the world, we must recognize in him the "I" as well as in ourselves, the same right to live, develop and manifestit's your "I".
If we think about what is parenting as a natural phenomenon, we will find that this is a cunning way with which the soul appears in this world, and parents are those people who help it to make the first steps. Therefore, parenting is a mission, and it is entrusted, as life itself shows, not only at our desire. We must accept it, accept it gratefully as a way to open the veil of secrecy, the opportunity to experience the depths of Being, the reflection of which our kid brings with him.
We say: "my child", and our love for him is a love for something "my".It is not necessary to love what is "not mine."But we always love mine. But if the parent is only a means for the soul to come into this world, then it becomes a natural stupid question: "Is this really your child?".You do not have to be a tempted psychologist to understand that the love of "your own" is above all the love of "yourself."I must admit to myself that by loving my child, first of all I love myself, worrying about it, I'm really worried about myself.
The child is sick, parents are worried. Why? Let us analyze their feelings. They are worried because they are uncomfortable that the child is sick, they do not want him to be sick, because they feel bad when the child is sick. When we want our child to be healthy, then is not this primarily a desire for oneself to prosperity and a quiet life?
Our love for children is so unlike that Love that children bring with them. Love is unconditional, without any "self".They still do not know how to think about themselves. We must recognize that our love is more like attachment, and true Love is something that we must learn from them.
But instead they learn from us our love. Loving children, we want them to be like us, but they do not commit our mistakes. And they become like us, but stubbornly repeat our mistakes. Every child is a monument to their parents. And the spiritual pain that our children sometimes inflict on us - is not it pain from a meeting with oneself, with their own qualities?
First of all we need to learn how to love children for their sake, and not for ourselves. And this is best for us they can teach themselves. As F.Leboe appealed: "Let the women understand, feel:" I am his mother, "and not" This is my child. "
So, our children are our equal partners, and no less than we are for them, they are oursteachers. You just need to get rid of the feeling of own superiority and be able to take what they give us. And give them to us a lot. This is how he formulated the possibility of children to be our teachers SV Kovalev. Thus, our children:
1)behavior, belonging to the number of higher ethical standards: focus on the subject - the devilself-interest and selfless( we often do not have this), and also trusting, genuinely dialogic communication without adult protective mechanisms inherent in us,
2) provide us with a rare opportunity to take a child's point of view and see the world in a new way, withoutdistorting our perception of stereotypes and prejudices;
3) perceiving ourselves directly and accurately, without the inherent "conciliatory" moments, we, the children, return a really accurate mirror image of us, parents, free from all"adult" distortions. "
Children often fall prey to our blatant illiteracy and the carefully hidden disregard for them that our today's culture professes.
They become victims long before their birth. For example: "The results of questionnaires show that the majority of children who were" not expected "later fell ill with a neurosis of fear, because the initial uncertainty in their birth from their parents was to some extent reflected in their subsequent self-doubt."Or: "Negative attitudes toward pregnancy and the incompatibility of the sex of the child with the expected parents were met in 68% of cases and often had a consequence of the disease of children with a neurosis of fear."
What happens to the child when the parents decide the question, do they have an abortion or let the child live? This is rarely thought about. He's not a man yet!
Some parents are waiting for the boys, other girls. Yes, people differ among themselves and want to play different toys. .. "We want a boy."And if there is a girl there? Oh, yes, because it is not yet. .. Is it possible to imagine a greater absurdity?
They become victims at birth, not only because of the barbarous treatment with them, but also because during this hard time they are not with. .. mom. What does the mother think about during labor? Most likely about how it hurts and that all this quickly ended. And never again. .. And sometimes the innocent kid appears to the mother like a feline of hell - because he made her suffer so much.
If she knew that her suffering was not commensurate with his suffering. In torment, not only give birth, but in even greater agony are born. And when he was finally born: "Adorable face." Is this woman happy with the beauty of the child? No, of course. "She smiles, because. .. it's over."
A mother with a child in childbirth should also be partners helping each other in this hard work. A child at birth is not passive. He actively helps the mother, releasing a large number of hormones. This is their joint process. But this help depends so much on whether it is accepted or not, on where your mother is now with her mind - with him or far from him.
But here he is at home. A small creature that has come to the world in suffering. But this is not all. He becomes a victim of fears and unrest. For him, constantly worried. Mom, Dad, especially my grandmother. Now even the maternal feeling is associated with excitement and anxiety. Imagine a mother who does not worry about her child. Yes, is this a mother!
The fears enveloping the baby become his own fears. He does not know how not to trust. He loves, and therefore trusts, believes in what they think about him. And these fears turn into reality. And what about your parents and grandparents? Imagine a person whose fears have been justified. So he was right, so he can foresee. And even more terrible things are beginning to be foreseen. ..
How hard it is to believe that our thoughts and fears can so easily become a reality. Here is a classic example. The child begins to walk. Here he makes the first uncertain steps, new sensations overwhelm him, he walks faster and faster, farther and farther from his mother. What does mom think if the child is far enough? She thinks: "Now it will fall!"What does the child do? Of course, it falls. Think that he is weak and unadapted, and he will be like that. Think that he can get sick - and he will fall ill.
We have already said that a baby is a very strong creature. Yes, it is really difficult for him after birth, all his powers are mobilized for the primary task - to survive. But nature perfectly protected it, providing with such internal resources, which the adult does not even contemplate.
And yet it is vulnerable. Vulnerable to surprise simply. Those subtle psychic structures, through which he is a human being, new in evolutionary respect, nature has not yet had time to protect. For this, there is a mother and father. For this, there is a family. And if such protection is not provided at all? How can he learn anything from us, be he a "thing in himself," have he this protection? After all, it grows and lives among people.
Like a sponge, it absorbs everything that happens around. And what about it happens? Bustle, excitement, fear, anxiety. And if there are conflicts in the family?"... In the first year of a child's life, the mother's mental state affects the baby's condition." Excessive anxiety, associated, for example, with difficulties in dealing with her husband and his parents, excessive concern only increases the child's anxiety. "
A typical example. In the morning, the child quietly sleeps in his room, parents in the kitchen are taken to quickly find out the relationship. The father in frustrated feelings leaves for work, the mother in excitement is accepted for everyday life. In the evening they will reconcile. And the child? At night, he suddenly found a fever. He is hot, panting. Arriving doctor, finding it difficult to diagnose, suspects pneumonia, although doing so because of reinsurance. The child is taken to the hospital, and after 2-3 days is prescribed for non-confirmation of the diagnosis. But he already managed to get a large dose of antibiotics. It is weakened, the flora of its intestines is broken. New problems begin. But is there such a diagnosis - the conflict between parents?
Another example. Relatives of the parents come to congratulate the parents on the birth of the baby and admire the newborns. And then again the temperature, crying until the morning, sleepless for the mother's night with an unreading child in her arms. And, maybe, again the doctor. But is there such a diagnosis - the excitement of my grandmother? And what will happen if the constantly stirring grandmother lives in the same apartment? And to worry and worry, as you know, grandmothers can. ..
A benevolent, positive attitude can do wonders. The love of parents for each other, their love for the child, their confidence in his abilities, in his strength and abilities - are nothing to replace the conditions of the baby's well-being. First of all - overcoming their fears and concerns about the child, based on an understanding of the subtle connection that children and parents have. The child believes you, embodying your thoughts. Is this an excellent opportunity to learn faith, but only faith in yourself? Is this an opportunity to understand how our thoughts affect us?
Think of your child as a strong being, able to cope with any circumstance."He can," "he is capable of" -that faith, supported by reason and knowledge, becomes a reality if it is sincere and based on deep inner conviction.
Let's sum up some results.
1. Parenthood should be seen as a nature-imposed mission through which a new human being comes into our lives. Parents are the guides of the soul who came to help her to take the first steps. We do not have the right to consider the child "our".It is on its own. He is the same "I" as us. He is only born through us and with our help passes the first stages of life.
2. The attitude of parents towards the child should be an attitude of equal partnership and mutual enrichment. We also have a lot to learn from our children. And most importantly - love and trust, spiritual purity and immediacy. They can tell us a lot if we can understand their language, tune in to their tide. After all, they come from that Unknown, which for us is an insoluble mystery. And sometimes it is in them that we can clearly see those depths of Being that hardly discern in themselves.
3. The psychological climate in the family is a kind of nutrient medium for the child's psyche. Through it, he learns life and its values. The relationship of parents to each other, the relationship between relatives - a model of human relationships for the baby from the very first days. The child is the focus in which all the relationships in the family converge. And this environment can be both beneficial and harmful. The kid is practically mentally defenseless. His protection is parents with their love for him and for each other. And first of all mother. Parents with their relationship to each other and love for the child are able to protect him from any harmful influences and create an atmosphere favorable for the development of the child's psyche, and therefore, for his physical health.
4. The baby retains a close psychoemotional relationship with the mother after birth, directly perceiving her condition. Having inherited certain structures responsible for mental activity from his father, he is also dependent on his condition. To a lesser extent, this also applies to other relatives. The child is like a device tuned in resonance with the mental state of the parents. Having a clearly expressed dependence of the physical state on the mental state, he realizes everything that is thought about him, what is expected of him. Therefore, it is important to understand that our child is as healthy as we think of him as healthy. He is what we tend to perceive. His abilities and abilities depend to a large extent on whether we believe in these capabilities and opportunities or not.
5. The main thing that our child needs from us is our love, but unconditional love, love for his own sake. It is necessary to understand that fear and anxiety for a child is not a sign of love for him. This is a sign of our selfishness. Love encourages giving the child what he needs. Do we need our fears and worries? Love makes you overcome your weaknesses and weaknesses for the sake of another. Love needs to be truly learned, and the best teachers are our children.