The frightening, but perfectly normal behavior of the child
You may have noticed that so far we rarely recalled the word "discipline".In fact, the whole book is about discipline, because, as we said in the first article, this discipline is the result of a trusting relationship between the parent and the child. One of the advantages of an attachment-based approach to the child is that it helps you to really learn the of your child's , is keen to understand what's behind his actions, and work together with with him to direct himbehavior in the desired direction.
During the planned examination of the child at the age of one and a half years, mothers are usually asked: "Is it time to teach the child to discipline?" What these mothers do not understand is that everything
that they have done so far with their child, Is a discipline. We are convinced that discipline begins with birth and is strengthened with every interaction between you and the child, from the first cry to the first "impossible", and that discipline at different stages of development has different meanings.
Discipline begins with the birth of
Discipline begins with a relationship, not a list of educational methods. The first stage of training in discipline - the stage of attachment - begins with birth and continues when you and your child grow together. The main three principles of attachment( breastfeeding, carrying a child and a quick reaction to the cries of a child) are in fact your first disciplinary methods. A child who receives parents' care based on affection feels that everything is right and right, but a person who is well, will behave more likely. A child of sensitive parents is more susceptible to the demands of the elders, since he does everything based on trust. Such a child in the first months of his life learns that this world is a place where responsiveness and trust reign.
Parents who practice this approach to the child acquire an intuitive ability to determine the preferences and skills of their child at each stage of development. They sharpen their ability to look at things through the eyes of their child and understand the reasons for his actions. Attached parents and children naturally come to order and discipline. As the relationship matures, parents become more able to better explain to the child what kind of behavior they expect from him, and the child becomes easier to understand these expectations. Parents are able to give a better education, and the child is more capable of absorbing it. With each new interaction, parents become more confident in their own methods, and not in someone else's, taken in the throes of despair from a book or from a "knowledgeable person."Being open and responsive to their child, parents avoid the trap of a given set of methods and instead come to the realization that the discipline should be developed and changed depending on family circumstances and developmental stages of the child.
In this first stage of the discipline, the caring, parents and child are in interdependence - there is a mutual formation of each other's behavior that helps them to know each other and gain confidence in each other. Having such a foundation, both attached parents and an attached child are able to move more easily to the next stage of training to discipline - setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries
We in our family firmly believe in the need for permanent borders, not only for the sake of training children to discipline, but also for the mental health of parents. At this stage, the discipline depends on your ability to give your child an idea of what kind of behavior you expect, what benefits are provided by good behavior, what kind of behavior you do not tolerate, and what are the consequences of disobedience. It is also important to adhere to this policy. Discipline is not something that you do for your child, it's working together with the child;The stronger your caring is at the stage of attachment, the more rigor you can afford to set boundaries.
Meet the normal behavior of a one-year-old child. In Article 22, we discussed how children of this age behave normally. Having understood the behavior of the child as a whole, and in the behavior of your child in particular, you will not expect from your child too much or too little. It is also useful to visit more experienced mothers and their children.(By the time your child turns four, you will have a level like after graduating from college with the specialty of "educating your child.") Children need boundaries that take their abilities into account at every stage of development. A year-old child needs other boundaries than a two-year-old. At about nine months the child begins to show that he has his own opinion, and it does not always coincide with yours. Do not forget, a strong desire is a sign of health. A child needs strong will to go through all the milestones of development in the next months and years. If the child did not have the willpower, how could he rise again after all the blows and falls to try again?
Find the wisdom to say "no." When your child moves from your knees to exploring the house, your role expands and your functions also include setting boundaries. When children have clear boundaries, they can fully grow and develop, instead of
to spend energy to overcome the unknown. As parents, we must be responsible for our children, but not to the extent that we control them as puppets. Instead of scared of independence, which appears in a child after a year, a wise parent will find ways to direct the child's behavior in the right direction.
Let me know who is in charge here.
Be constant in teaching discipline, and remember that in order for the results to stay for a long time, discipline requires unceasing efforts. Your child reached out to take the unlawful. Instead of barking at him without getting up from his comfortable chair, approach him, take his hand in his, look him straight in the eye, draw his attention and show the young adventurer why it can not be done. Speak firmly and offer an alternative. Try not to forget the golden rule of discipline and treat the child as you would like to be treated. Even a child who has found stubbornness is unlikely to resist a warm attitude and interesting toys.
Your requirements should be clear. Long conversations are ideal for developing communication skills, but your verbosity can prevent a child from year to year
two accurately understand what kind of behavior you want from him.
Note. Sitting with Stefan, who had already finished with the porridge, with the morning cup of coffee, I noticed that he was interested in my cup. I explained it very thoroughly, saying again and again that he did not need to touch it, that it was Mama's cup, not Stefan. Finally, when he was ready to burst into tears, because I did not give him a cup, it suddenly dawned on me that I did not say the most important word he understands best, - is "hot."When I finally told him, very expressive: "Gore-cho-cho," he repeated this word with respect and stopped in his persistent attempts to scald.
In the discipline, balance is important.
It is necessary to give the child enough indulgence so that he can try everything without risk. From time to time, let him get a chance. If you are used to keeping a leash tight, he never fully knows what he can do, and never makes mistakes. The child learns from mistakes made under the supervision of the parents. For example, instead of forbidding the child to climb, give him a safe place for climbing.
Orient your situation to the child. One of your roles is to monitor the child's safety, the
is constantly on one spurt ahead of these fast, lightning-like hands. Perhaps it is much easier to just pick up everything that can be raised, for a couple of meters for a couple of years, instead of constantly raising your voice and repeating monotonously: "You can not!" And leave these "impossible" for the most dangerous situations.
These are just basic tips. We recommend that you conduct your own "research".Talk to parents whose principles of parenting delight you. Ask them to recommend books on discipline to you( yes, books can be useful to in addition to to your own knowledge, but do not replace your own experience).Becoming a wise educator, you will make your life easier and leave a valuable heritage to your children.
In the head of a child between the ages of one and two there is a clear idea of what he wants to do, and it is not so easy to convince him to take an alternative. In adults' jargon, we call this an installation. The two-year-old child is particularly distinguished by strong attitudes about the associations between people, places and events, thanks to which such epithets as "stubborn" and "self-willed" deserve. These children love the established routine and have no desire to quietly reconcile with any kind of violation of order.
A very important principle of communication, which the negotiators have long enjoyed, is that if you want to persuade people to accept your point of view, first come to them where they stand, and then slowly pull them to where you want them to be. Parents can use this valuable principle to exit from the often-occurring and very difficult situation - when they go with the
child to the supermarket. Work out the order of actions in the supermarket and try to stick to it. Stefan loved fruit ice, and in his little head it was postponed that when he was being taken to the labyrinth of a supermarket, he would eventually be brought to one particular pass, which he remembered and was looking forward to, and awarded fruit ice. If you periodically reassure the child with the phrase: "We are going for this ice cream" - this should give you enough To firmly establish the notion of danger
When I first became a father, I was convinced that it was possible and necessary to spank a child in situations that threatened life,for example, when a two-year-old runs out onto the road. I thought that it was just necessary to print in the brain and on the child's body that he should never do so;and I reasoned that psychology should remain in the shadows next to considerations of caution. With the advent of every next child, we became more disciplined ourselves. And now we understand that there are much more good ways to correct a child's behavior than to hack him. Here is an example:
Note: When in two years our kid was playing in front of the house, I did not take his eyes off him, like a hawk. If he came too close to the road, I screamed: "No! !!The road! !! " - grabbed it from the gutter and carried it to the house - expressing in words its fear of
before it hits the road. It was not a hysterical shriek or malicious abuse;I expressed sincere fear, voicing the alarm that appears and screams a siren inside the heart of every mother, when her child is in danger. It was very important that he believed me, so I did not restrain myself. And it worked! He gained a deep respect for the road and always looked at me to get permission, knowing that I would take his hand and we will cross the road together. Several times I had to reinforce his healthy fear, issuing a loud warning cry. I save this cry for those times when security requires an instant reaction. This sound is hard to describe, but it's a very piercing and loud "A!" I never once said it without much need and do not use it often. In normal, everyday situations, a more normal reaction is needed.
just the time to buy products for a week on the way to the cherished treat, saving from hysterics!
"My" and "me" are by-products of the stubbornness period. Two-year-old children wall their territory and usually refuse to share their space with their brother or sister. In fact, "sharing" may not yet be included in the list of your child's communication skills. Therefore, at about this age, you need to prepare for fights and hysterics.