The Roles We Play
Jun 30, 2018
Every "average" person from infancy to old age loses a certain number of roles. Even Shakespeare in the comedy "How you like it" reasoned on this topic: "The whole world is a theater, there are women in it, men are all actors, everyone has his own ways out, leaving, and every one plays a role."The great playwright counted the seven standard roles in which his contemporary performed, accomplishing his life's path: a baby, a schoolboy, a lover, a soldier, a judge, a beggar, an elder.
Today's being is characterized by a much larger number of roles and the multivariate nature of their performance. For example, a woman in a family - a mother and a wife, in production - a supervisor or subordinate, a trade union or a member of the production commission, a mentor or propagandist. In parallel, she enters into contact with numerous subsystems of the society, helping to organize life and leisure: she and the buyer, and the customer, and the visitor, and the subscriber, and the passenger of urban transport.
If you use an image inspired by Shakespeare, then with a temporary woman - a talented actress of a multi-profile role, which are subject to any role.
Role-playing requires considerable physical effort, emotional flexibility, intelligence and patience. Since each role is socially assigned, it must be played in accordance with the prescribed rules, and in addition, taking into account the partners' expectations for joint activities and the specific situation of communication. It is necessary to constantly leave one role and enter another, as it were to change the masks - facial expression, intonation, gestures. It is worth at least a little deviation from the prescribed or expected style of playing the role, as it immediately causes discontent of others, creates tension in mutual relations or conflict.
Not every person easily and successfully leads their roles. Let's pay attention to some omissions in the role relationships of the spouses.
A typical mistake is the inept transition from non-family to family roles.
Some people are so involved in their production, professional or public role that they practically do not get out of it. This mask seems to stick to the face, a person can not remove it and put on another, required to perform a new role, in other circumstances.
Since the roles of the family are played freely, without the participation of external( social) control, they sometimes exaggerate, they show signs of self-compensation - for example, the desire to assert their self, categorical, maximalism. The leading employee turns into a family in a dry, soulless counter or rude. The accountant becomes an importunate pedant who is meticulously following the family budget and requiring a record for every ruble spent. The militiaman and the house remain the executor of his main social role: the habit of being vigilant is transformed into suspicion, the professional need to work out the versions - in the intrusive desire to "calculate" the reason for the late arrival of children, the "cordial" conversation with domestic ones reminds in the form of interrogation or the completion of the protocol during detention.
Another teacher everywhere demonstrates exaggerated professional features - in the queue for sausage, and in transport, and away. She does not part with an instructive tone, a condemning glance, at any moment is ready to read the notation and make a grandiose judgment about the culture of behavior and harmonically developed personality. She is also in a relationship with her husband and children. Her demands are idealized, the tone is categorical, the style of communication is hard. She does not notice how difficult it is for her to be domestic, who expect tenderness and condescension, emotional flexibility and complicity.
It happens that a female doctor, accustomed to being sterile in her hospital, becomes difficult in the family, because she sees microbes everywhere and deviations from the sanitary norm. She constantly reminds her husband and child of the need to wash their hands, maintain an irreproachable order in the house, monitor the quality of food in the dining room, etc. It does not distinguish when it is appropriate to recall hygiene, and when others know themselves and do what they themselves knowit is necessary. Entering the role, such mother and wife annoying guardianship and stereotyped thinking.
Perhaps it would not be an exaggeration to admit that for the overwhelming majority of women, the extra-family roles are the main ones-such is the inevitable consequence of being included in various spheres of social life, as well as the result of an emotional sincere interest in women in industrial and social affairs.
Yes, each person's resources are limited. It is difficult to achieve effective execution of their roles simultaneously in the non-family and family spheres. Let's notice, that it is a question not only of duties on the house - a dinner to prepare, linen to wash, an order to bring. We are talking about the wife's behavior in the true sense of the word - about the need to show attention, care, kindness, about the ability to notice the state of the spouse and to react to it correctly.
Some women are prone to self-justification: they say, we have the right to careless execution of domestic roles, because they are overloaded with work, overworked, lack of free time.
But it is wrong to refer only to the objective and difficult circumstances in which our women find themselves, and to assume that nothing depends on them personally. On the contrary, awareness of the situation can contribute to its more successful resolution, encourage women to self-control, a reasonable, economical distribution of physical and spiritual forces.
Usually a person, coming home from work, after a while comes out of an off-family role and enters the family. However, this process is painfully experienced by family members. After three or four hours, the woman plunges into the home atmosphere, gradually relaxes, forgets about the production vicissitudes. But, not wanting to do that, she gave her family a state of stress, distanced them from herself with official efficiency and strictness. Now their relationship develops along a given trajectory - slip stiffness, ungraciousness, rigidity.
Another reason for mismanagement!roles in the family - the use of such styles of relationships that lead to stress, dissatisfaction and destroy the interaction of spouses. These styles should be noticed and excluded from communication.
"Character is stronger than the mind."This stereotype of relationships arises when one of the spouses demonstrates stubbornness, lack of flexibility, painfully defends his point of view. For example, a woman does not know how to compromise, make a concession, allow an exception to the rule. Its principle is this: as it said, it will.
. .. In the apartment repair, and the wife offered to do some rearrangement of furniture. As a result, it became inconvenient and uncomfortable. Everyone spoke for a return to the old, but the woman once again showed her temper: no and no!
Lack of flexibility, inability to make concessions are very annoying to others: the more trivial, the smaller the motive that a spouse or spouse chooses to manifest her character, the more internalthe protest evokes such a style of behavior among the rest of the family. Often a woman understands the irrelevance and unpleasant consequences of her stubbornness, but at the same time declares: "I know that I am wrong, but I can not break myself"it's hard to hide the surprise: how some of us willingly admit to being stupid! The advice is simple: do not show the limitations of the mind. Tactical concession, tolerance to the actions and opinions of others - these are reliable companions of family well-being
Perhaps, it is customary in your family to show characterInstead of acting with the mind, it is not necessary to engage in, so to speak, horn-and-bones, where it is more effective to learn, figuratively speaking, to dance a waltz with a communication partner. Step left, two steps to the right, then a circle to the front. ..
Let's illustrate the difference between "horns" and "waltzing".Wife, going to work, turns to her husband: "This evening I will come home bed".The husband responds in style to "stupidity": "Why is that?" The wife begins to resent: "Why should I report to you?" The partner's vanity is offended, and he retorts: "I do not care where you will be, but I must know. Husband or not I? "
And now we'll do this scene in the style of" waltz ".The spouse herself, without waiting for the question of the reason for being late, explains the situation."You know," she says with confidential intonation, "we in the department decided to celebrate the promotion of one employee. We bought flowers, cake, will be a party, we want to present a souvenir. By the way, you know her. Remember, we somehow walked in the park, and my colleague came up to us. Elegant, interesting, you also liked it. That's her and we will congratulate. "
The naturalness of the named occasion and the sincerity of the tone of the wife conquer the obstinate husband, even if he deeply doubts the authenticity of her words. After all, in family diplomacy, most important is the demonstration of respect for each other. Style "poke".Under this stereotype of relations in the family we mean the habit of inappropriately and undeservedly blaming, reproaching the other, how to poke a finger into its shortcomings, imperfections, oversights. Remarks in this case are made with a touch of discontent, irritation.
. .. In the late evening, the husband is watching TV - his usual occupation. A wife does something about the house - also a common phenomenon. She wipes the dust off the furniture, her husband is on her way, and she throws: "At least you moved!"
This is the style of "poke."The woman's words are irritated, offended that she is engaged in business, and her husband is resting. But everything goes according to the established order, and both know it. Why then does the tone of dissatisfaction appear? It would be more appropriate to say simply: "Move, please."
In another family, the "tyke" style is so popular that everyone actively uses it, constantly touching each other's ego. In extreme situations, family members can quarrel. If you find that the "poke" style has become established in family relationships, try to get rid of it. What can you offer in return? We will advise you to express your requests to family members in the style of "stroking", to accompany appeals, demands, instructions, compliments, encouragement.
Let's take this situation. Spouses are going to a visit or to a theater. As always in such cases, there are not enough minutes, so here as here satellites rush - irritation, sharpness. The husband tie a tie, and his wife throws: "Why are you putting on this greasy rag? I bought you a nice fashion tie. "
A typical case of a "poke" style. The words of the woman are not only sharp in form and show irritation, they are accused of her husband in the outdated, inaccurate. Therefore, the reaction of the defense on his part is quite understandable: "Now, put on your own tie! And I like my rag more. "
Now we will lose the same scene in the style of "stroking".My wife says: "Please put on a new tie. He is very good to you, you are fashionable and beautiful in him. "Is it possible to resist such a compliment?
Perhaps, one of the readers of this style of complimentary communication will seem artificial, requiring increased self-control and, therefore, exertion. It's all a matter of habit. When the action has reached automatism, it is carried out unconsciously and easily. The effect of "stroking" more than justifies the expenditure of time and energy on the formation of habits. Psychological comfort, mutual respect - these are the results of communication in this style. On the contrary, negligence, harshness, rudeness, which do not require self-control, cost us much more. They provoke tension, spiritual discord among partners. And how much physical effort and nerves you need to spend later for establishing contacts, establishing an armistice, finding out the relationship!. .
The fear of appearing sentimental is expressed by the fact that the spouses are embarrassed to show their tenderness and admit that they need to be weaved. Gradually there is a stereotype of rigid, strained, formal relations, as if they are not native people, but casual counterparts or tenants of a communal apartment, who in order to tire each other with their presence in public places. Spontaneous impulses of intimacy between spouses are superficial, rush, the feeling is manifested stiffly, under the strong control of consciousness. As a result, the joy of marriage withers away, the spiritual distance between marriage partners increases day by day.
But when the couple married, their relationship was certainly sensitive and tender. Feelings were manifested naturally and joyfully. What happened and why did they just have a memory?
Usually, after the first few months of marriage, love passion subsides, which is quite natural. Man, as a rule, once again plunges into work, the habitual maelstrom of being, friendly relations. This is its essence, and there is no reason for pessimistic variations on the theme "love has passed."
After a while, feelings can flood with a new force, if you create the appropriate conditions for this. The initiative here is for the woman. Why? Because her psyche is organized thinner than the male. It is more likely to grasp the moment of a new awakening of the senses and to allow them to unfold in their relationship with the spouse. It is more natural for her to show her "weakness" and say: "I am terribly lacking in your affection. .." After such confessions, a man feels that they need him, he realizes his own dignity.
Alas, in life there is also another. Noticing the coldness of her husband, the wife concludes: "The impulse is extinguished, he no longer loves me."
"Oh, I do not need you any more," she reflects on the dream coming, lying in bed. "Do not think, please, that I need you more."This is followed by an unequivocal physical suspension from her husband. Then comes the turn and psychological removal - alienation. The husband sees that the wife gradually closes, restrains feelings and, in turn, makes a generalization: "It is not necessary? Do not need".And after a while, in their relationship, a style that we called "the fear of sentimentality" is asserted.
Let's not build illusions and honestly say: modern men in the mass of their stalks, are rude. Some believe that restraint of feelings is the main sign of masculinity, and therefore almost proud of it.
A man should be taught tenderness and affection, form a need for him to show feelings. But then women need to be patient.
Instead of the "fear of sentimentality" style, it's much better to demonstrate the style of "subjugation by feeling" when the spouses do not hide mutual tenderness. A man who calls this philistinism or "veal tenderness," simply complexes.
On the contrary, he does not need to be ashamed of admiring his beloved, only then he can fully express his "I".As N. Gumilev wrote:
Know, my proud friend, my dear friend, With you., Only with you alone, Red-haired, snow-white, I stood for a moment by myself.
Which woman will not respond to such a confession?
The relationship between a man and a woman should be built on open feelings. But how numerous are the inventions and antics of our "I" who put feelings to trials, and often destroy them to the ground!
Some families have a relationship style that can be called "echo".If one tolerated tactlessness, another will respond in the same way: rudeness - to rudeness, anger - to anger, irritation - to irritation, a shout - to shout."Echo" occurs suddenly, under the influence of a strong emotion and sometimes does not fade, "swinging" like a pendulum, increasing the amplitude. Strong emotion, as it were, partially turns off thinking and ethical self-control, so a person does not manage himself well.
. .. Below the floor in our house lives a married couple. Almost every Saturday and Sunday through the interfloor overlapping, one hears a classic "echo".The presence of neighbors of the husband and wife does not bother, and therefore the "pendulum" of aggression is swinging until both sides are exhausted to the end. Mutual reproaches alternate with abuse last about forty minutes. The final is usually the same."Shut up, at last," his wife says threateningly."Shut yourself up," the husband answers in a hoarse voice. The crack is heard, and all abruptly, as it began, subsides.
"Echo" - a favorite style of communication of people who are quick-tempered, with hysterical features. They are easily wound up and can not stop for a long time. They are captivated and delayed by the emotional atmosphere of the conflict. Words and actions are subject to one desire - to hurt the enemy, inflict hurt on him, regardless of personal losses. Prestige, feeling, self-respect, the opinion of others - everything is sacrificed to the heat of passion. In the most dramatic situation, it ends with mutual insults and a strong emotional shock. Having exhausted each other, opponents angrily leave the battlefield.
Observations show that the style of "echo" is very common not only in the family, it is popular in urban transport, lines, service sector - wherever we lack culture and endurance, mutual respect and the ability to distract from annoying trifles.
"Justification through accusation" - a style of interaction, characteristic for people with reduced self-criticism. They find it difficult to admit their mistake, guilt, oversight, so they start looking for flaws in a partner with some kind of bitterness, instead of realizing their own. Their defensive reactions are usually expressed by phrases like: "Whose cow would moo and yours would be silent", "That's it", "Look at yourself", "Thou art better", etc.
. .. The wife baked a pie. He, as luck would have it, did not get up and burned. My husband tried and could not hide disappointment, grimaced, although it should be tact. The woman could easily defuse the situation, explaining her mistake as follows: "I decided to correct the prescription - I had to pour the water in the dough, and I thought that the milk would be better. And here's the result - the cake burned and did not rise. "What will the overwhelming majority of men answer in such a situation?"Let's eat it! And so delicious, do not worry. "However, the wife provoked the conflict, because she resorted to the style of "justification through accusation."The husband grimaced, and she answered: "Do not like it, do not eat. You think, sir. .. Do you remember that you ate from your mother. .. "
Or, unable to overcome the offense, the woman crochets through her teeth:" You are still a tactless person. Might not show your mood. Sorry, but last Friday, when there were guests, the shish kebab you cooked could not be chewed. However, I did not say anything to you. "
"Aggression" is a relationship style based on the principle of "finding a scapegoat".One of the partners in the interaction breaks the evil, emotionally irritated, on the other, although the latter is not guilty of anything. The aggressiveness of some family members causes nervousness for others.
The aggression is particularly hard on others when the person himself is the cause of his bad mood: he made a blunder, was indiscreet, lost patience. The model of aggressive behavior in this case can be presented in this way: you hit hard on the chair that was on your way, and with all the force kicked this inanimate object with your foot, as if he, and not you, not looking at the feet, cause discomfort.
In everyday life, aggression is directed at people who are dear to us, which reveals a special moral defect in the situation - we make those who we love suffer.
The intensity of aggression is directly dependent on the strength of our displeasure. Unintentionally burned on the iron, the woman with all the force banged him on the table. Having calmed down, the plastic handle, which has split from the blow, is in vain. And sad and funny. ..
Scientists in our country and abroad argue that the level of aggression has increased significantly. The fragile psyche of a person can not stand the heat of everyday reality, the life of the commotion, the stresses that we experience in different spheres of activity. Enterprising Japanese invented different ways to pay off aggression both at work and at home. For example, in premises that are not accessible to an outside observer, the owners of firms put their mannequins to discharge the emotions of employees or workers. A person can enter here, take a rubber truncheon and beat off the boss with whom the conflict has happened or who is not happy. Stores offer dolls and toys designed to remove aggression from their owners: you pound such a thing, and she responds humiliatingly or makes plaintive sounds.
We are far from thinking to belittle the inventions of the Japanese: the ability to direct aggression by the people around you is a quality worthy of imitation. Here are some more recommendations on this.
First of all, participants in family life should learn to fix their attention on the state of aggression. Sometimes she overtakes us imperceptibly and takes us by surprise. Feeling that she is approaching, remove it with the help of this or that method. It can be slowing down the pace of events and actions, switching attention from unpleasant to pleasant, dumping emotions on an inanimate object.
Here's a woman coming home from work. She is tired, irritated and ready to take the evil out on someone who turns up under the arm. Often it happens: gets to children or her husband. We will advise her not to hurry. Enough fifty minutes to get back to normal: sit down on a bench or, putting down a heavy economic burden on the ground, stand a little, admire nature, recall the comforting line of Eldar Ryazanov: "Nature does not have bad weather. .." It's even better to go to a cafe for half an hour(it is a pity that we have few of them and they do not contribute to our emotional discharge to the proper extent).It is possible on the way home to look into the store that you like - economic, jewelry, furniture. It does not matter if you do not have money or you do not need anything.
It is not bad to help each other get rid of aggression. When a wife comes home in a bad mood, I quickly figure out which direction to help her release emotional steam. Everything is decided by the seconds and the chosen topic of the dialogue. I feel that the spouse is nervous, already by the way she closes the door: a sharp push with an elbow or thigh, a clap of the castle, a protracted silence - these are the first signs of the waiting release of aggression. I urgently hasten to substitute a "psychological footstep" - this is how I call one of the methods of emotional relaxation. I go to meet them, pick up the string bag and, without noticing the wife's bad mood, I ask: "Is the elevator already working?"Are you on the elevator going up? "The direction for the exhaust of emotions is correctly guessed:" What, again, the elevator did not work? Forever in our house, the elevator does not work, then they do not endure the garbage ", - she picks up and neutralizes her aggression in the judgments at the Housing office.
Another time, catching the signs of aggression, I'll ask about the union meeting that was at their institute today, or about a new intriguing article in Ogonek - did she read it? You can touch any distracting topic.
Not all respond well to the "psychological footsteps".Here you can not make a mistake, you must, as they say, calculate your partner. And then it could happen: you are substituting a "psychological step" for a husband who is in a state of aggression, for example, start talking about an elevator or a trade union meeting, and he responds even more irritated: "Let me eat first, then you will pester mewith stupidities. "
You misfired. Your companion in life does not react to the "bandwagon," he has a weak type of nervous system, he needs a quick bite, a rest. This is his main means of repaying aggression.
Happens in the house and a situation where aggression literally hangs in the air: all are heated, so any trifle can lead to an explosion and a chain reaction. It is urgent to change the general atmosphere. We throw everything, go to the park for a walk or a movie. You can urgently call a small circle of friends in order to escape from everyday fuss. Only no feast and tiring preparations. Tea, talk, guitar. .. Guests unite the family and are a good indicator of its well-being. If their presence does not contribute to emotional discharge, this clearly indicates a protracted crisis of marital relations.
Some families develop a "neurotic" style of relations. It is characterized by alternating bright flashes of negative and positive emotions. Spouses at first feel the same need to bring each other to white heat, and then experience a flood of tenderness. Family conflicts and played out in the name of a subsequent attack of sensuality, sentimentality. Of course, the spouses do it unconsciously. They intuitively found a way to change their ranges of mental reflection - to exacerbate sensations, perceptions, emotional reactions, feelings. Some people need to listen to music, read poems for this, but the partners with a "neurotic" style of relations are helped by a preliminary scolding, mutual insults, rudeness and other "encouraging" tricks.
The "neurotic" style of relations develops according to the same pattern. The spouses are gradually beginning to irritate each other, there are mutual intolerance, exaggerated claims. This is the phase of accumulation of negative emotional charge. Then for any reason, there is a scandal - the phase of the emotional explosion. After this, the stage of accumulation of positive emotions begins - the need for tender feelings, affection, and erotic desire awakens more and more. The culmination is an emotional impulse: he and she selflessly love each other, as if they met for the first time, swear in a deep sense, show an irrepressible passion. It takes several days, and the feelings begin to cool down, negative emotions are formed. The cycle begins again.
For the outside observer, for example, for children, the "neurotic" style of relations seems incomprehensible, since many of its intimate aspects remain invisible at all phases of development. The son or daughter observes how the parents swear, then they keep silent, looking at each other obliquely, then they make love, cooing like pigeons and sitting almost in an embrace from the TV.Children can not understand why a mother or father periodically tugging at each other, as if purposely asking for a scandal.
It seems that under the conditions of emancipation the "neurotic" style of relations flourishes especially magnificently. A woman does not restrain her emotions both at the stage of accumulation of a negative emotional charge, and at the stages of an emotional explosion.
In the style of "exaggerated claims" there is a secret, unspoken feeling - dissatisfaction with intimate relations, resentment, fatigue from family life, frustration with a partner, etc. And then in the course there are endless quibbles, deterrents, remarks with strangers, irritation bytrifles.
Wife constantly grumbles at her husband: "Well, how do you eat! Do not cham. What do you sniff your nose? Put on your pajamas, do not go hollowing around the apartment. .. "Of course, we can not do without comments to each other, but it's all in their form. Exaggerated demands are almost always a signal of profound psychological frustration, which both sides may not know. For the phrase "do not cham" or "do not go hollow", abandoned to a marriage partner, may be hiding anger, lack of respect. The wounded side, as a rule, fixes attention on the emotional form in which the partner expressed his demand, and does not think about its hidden cause. Hence it is understandable sincere response anger: "What do you grumble endlessly? Can I at least be at home at home? "Relations between spouses continue to evolve on the basis of emotions without taking into account the background of mutual demands.
Some elderly spouses constantly quarreled over trifles. Both of them are sick of the order, they realized the anomaly of their relations and finally turned for help to a counselor-psychologist. Here's how in their interpretation looked a typical scandalous situation.
Wife: "I do not understand my husband: he is so stubborn, for example, I ask him when he comes home, put his shoes off in the right corner of the hallway, so as not to interfere with opening the door. No, as if on purpose, always puts shoes and galoshes on the left side. I hate it, can it be difficult to do what the wife asks? "
The husband, for his part, explains:" What does it matter where to put the shoes? They do not interfere. The wife likes to command that everything should be as she thinks. Why should I indulge her stupidities? Yes, I deliberately take it and put the shoes to the left of the door. "
You can imagine how these spouses move their shoes to the right and then to the left, taking each other out of patience with their intonations, facial expressions and comments. For them, the situation is closed at the level of emotional reactions: one does not accept what the other does, and vice versa. And what is the reason for the exaggerated demands? Psychological study of this situation revealed her: a woman does not receive satisfaction in intimate relations with her husband, which, quite likely, irritates and oppresses her, but she can not directly tell the spouse about it. In a conversation with a psychologist, she also did not recognize that sexual dissatisfaction is the real cause of exaggerated claims.
The tendency to dramatize events as well as the exaggeration of demands is a consequence of profound experiences. One of the spouses or both partners has a habit of giving special, exaggerated importance to ordinary things or annoying missteps of another.
In everyday situations it is difficult to be perfect, there are also spontaneous sharpness, and sudden rudeness, and unintentional faux pas. It is best in such cases not to notice the partner's mistake, understand it and forgive. A. If you need a comment, then you need to do it calmly, not under the hot hand! Another person begins to inflate the censer, dramatize the situation. The marital partner sees that this behavior is not adequate, that is, does not correspond to what happened, and then he can lose patience, as a result of the storm.
. .. Father carpenters, and a young son turns under his feet, not responding to requests not to interfere. He gave his parent's nerves, and he gave the boy a whisper: "Now, do not bother!" The kid is at a loss: whether it's to be screamed, or silently take down the punishment you deserve. The wife dramatizes the event: she rushes to the rescue to her son, angrily shooting her eyes at her husband: "Even to your own child you can not treat humanly!" In the word "even" read: "To me, too, is bad".The little son quickly got his bearings: his mother was on his side, so he could roar, so that everyone could hear and know how it hurt him. Then there's a mother-in-law, a sword with the eyes of a lightning. ..
A man beats against an attack of anger: from nothing, they wound the tragedy. The spouse at times so will give in to the kid, that trousers on it crack, and here has arranged indicative-educational action."Have you cursed for a long time?" This thought pierces the husband's mind even sharper. "The day does not pass smoothly. And it would be okay, in fact, but. .. "
Or another version of the same situation. Father slapped the baby, who prevented him from doing business. Mother did not say anything. .. She stared out of the window and froze, tears came to her eyes. She looks as if she has now realized the horror of her life. The boy with a weathervane turned in her direction, ran up, deliberately whining: "Mommy, are you crying?" - "Never mind, baby, we will all endure," his mother fervently searches.
Oh, how explosive are these women's "tricks"!
. .. The husband is eating in the kitchen, and the wife is serving dishes. I thought about it and did not notice how I ate a salad prepared for three. .. The wife dramatizes the situation: "You are all in it! You never think about anyone. I would ask if your wife and child ate! "
The words, mimicry, intonations of the woman are so much tragic pathetic, as if the husband at least did not bring home a salary. From the side to look - it is comical, but for family members this is a situation for abuse. If a man is quick-tempered, now he will slap a spoon on the table and jump out of the kitchen. Or sharpness will respond to sharpness, in accordance with the well-known style of "echo".
Some families are used to the style of "clarifying relationships".It consists in the fact that the spouses constantly understand the reasons.a conflict or a skirmish.
After both have calmed down, the conversation itself is about the quarrel."Again we, the darling, quarreled. As it was good, they lived peacefully all week. You can not be so quick-tempered, "says his wife in a calm tone."Well, judge for yourself, would I be" dusted "if you did not repeat your stupidity," the husband replies, also gently and confidentially."It turns out that I'm again to blame," the woman flares up. "Yes, if you thought before doing something, I would not have to repeat the same thing!"
Word for word - and again quarreled. It is better not to find out anything, especially if neither of the spouses is inclined to concede in the dispute. In such a family the rule should be established: not to return to what happened, let everyone draw conclusions on their own.
A particularly unpleasant impression is produced by a relationship style that degrades a partner.
So, some husbands and wives are prone to self-exaltation. Emphasizing their superiority, they thereby belittle the partner. At any cost strive to demonstrate an advantage in intelligence, knowledge or morality, they undertake to teach and read morals. The desire to be the best, the first they have so great that, asserting themselves, they are not shy of the presence of strangers. Sometimes, for purposes of self-assertion, very commonplace reasons and situations are used.
. .. Someone from the guests at the festive table praised the fresh-salted red salmon - "yummy."The hostess of the house blushed with a compliment. .. the fish and bragged: "I got it, they gave it to me in our buffet".Looking at her husband, she made me understand with her whole expression: you see what I am. And what, in fact, is the woman proud of? She did not catch and salt the fish, but it's very nice to be noticed, to use the word "I".
. .. The symphony sounds on the radio, the wife with a childlike sense of her own superiority asks her husband: "Do you know what they are broadcasting?" The husband unsuccessfully listens to the sounds of music, after which the wife loses patience: "Lord! Beethoven does not know. .. What are you, darling, gray. .. "
Ignoring the merits of a partner is another way to humiliate him. Another wife makes comments and complaints about her husband on any occasion, to say the same kind word to him, to express recognition or gratitude the language does not turn. A woman who knows how to notice and encourage good qualities in the wife, thereby helps him to become better. The role of positive evaluation of personality has long been known from pedagogical practice and conjugal communication. A kind word, as they say, and a cat is nice. This truth, alas, is forgotten by some wives.
. .. Two neighbors met on the landing and got to talking."What is your husband's good, businesslike, economic! On Sunday morning, I am already nailing something, I always see my grocery bags, "says one of them."Oh, you do not know him," - replies the other and begins to talk about various shortcomings of her husband. The need to evoke compassion is combined with the desire to belittle the dignity of a partner.
Disregard for the life companion is also manifested in insulting comparisons and unsuitable comparisons with others. Listen to another woman, and it seems that all other men are better than her own.
The desire to humiliate a partner is clearly manifested in the habit of labeling, using nicknames. In the lexicon of another quite respectable-looking man, one can meet such appeals to his wife: "Matrena," "little fool," "pighead."In some women, the stock of labels for the partner is not any less poor: "chaff", "aunt", "eunuch", "hippopotamus".
I remember, one woman frankly told about the lived family life, about how her husband hardly brought alcoholism. In his address to his wife and in a conversation about him with his friends, he liked to add: "non-commissioned".The insulting nickname appeared in different contexts: "There is my non-commissioner coming," "We must send a non-commissioner to the store," etc. The narrator herself understood where this habit came from. She dreamed of another, more worthy party, her husband always seemed to her rustic, without a raisin. For more than two decades, the couple lived together, the children were raised before the woman realized the injustice and unethical attitude to her husband. To look at the truth in my eyes caused an alarming circumstance - my husband began to distance himself and look into the glass. Then the woman suddenly realized: what am I doing? Why do I humiliate my own person? Realizing her mistake, she tried to correct it. I do not know if that's the case, but her husband, as she said, stopped drinking.
There are dozens of other ways to humiliate a marriage partner - petty tutelage, mistrust, rummaging pockets and bags, scapegoating, with outsiders and children, public criticism of shortcomings, mockery of opinions and habits, etc., etc. Do not resort to themunder what circumstances.
Negligent relationship style can be considered as a variant of the style, degrading the partner. Disregard is due to various reasons, and above all - a low level of individual culture, which demonstrates this style. When a person is poorly brought up, he is usually not interested in the state, deeds and opinions of the other, does not take into account the one who is near. For example, the wife "turns off" her husband: he tells something, comments on what is happening on the television screen, and she does not pay attention to him, does not enter into the conversation, only occasionally she nods her head without going into details.
The neglect that has arisen due to low culture is corrected - sometimes enough to encourage people to look at themselves from the outside. Another thing, when the neglect to another arose on a psychological basis, was the result of the physical and spiritual distance of one of the partners or their mutual alienation. Then the conflict takes a heavy and protracted character. In the family there is a tense, oppressive silence, the spouses are limited to short scrappy phrases, requesting that dialogues occur rarely and even on high tones. The atmosphere is heated by insults, mutual reproaches and claims and is ready to explode at any moment.
Provocative style is a means to spoil relations with a partner, but so that he remains guilty. It will provoke a caustic comment, sharpness, scandal and, having received a trump card, will be accused of lack of feelings, respect.
Provocation is used to pour out a boiling malice, emotionally discharge, avoid intimate relations or an honest conversation on an unpleasant topic, etc. In some families, provocation is played out according to the same memorized scenario, although the husband and wife pretend that everythingoccurs for the first time.
In one familiar family, the spouses are clearly burdened by each other, but they are not resolved for divorce. Periodic quarrels they need in order to avoid intimacy. The script contains three obligatory moments: one of the spouses provokes another to lose self-control, then an outbreak of scandal and a final separation from each other.
Most often she starts: she smokes a cigarette behind a cigarette, inflates her cheeks, shows indifference to him with all appearance. He does not stand:
- Did something happen?
- It's none of your business!
After exchanging sharpnesses, he drags a cot and his bed to the kitchen.
Provocations in families achieve varying degrees of tension) sometimes end in insults and fights. Avoid the provocative style of interaction in the family, do not get used to it.
For the style of "presentation of accounts" characterized by endless grievances. Marriage partners live memories of the unpleasant, their mind is drawn back to the past and there is seeking reasons for conflicts. Spouses exist, they say, on their nerves, ready at any moment to remember each other's past mistakes and intrigues.
Unforgettable old, as a rule, is associated with new facts of living together, the tangle of offenses is growing. Finally, there comes a time when it is completely impossible to untangle it. Another woman for life remembers any oversight, tactlessness or trick of her husband. Complaining him with his girlfriend, she recalls: "He the next day after our wedding. ..", "Why is he even in the year of the birth of the child. ..?", "When my mother came, he. ..", "KoI came to know a friend, so he. .. ", etc. Similar excursions to the past are used to explain to yourself and others the reasons for the unfulfilled family life, strife. The essence of disagreements can be quite different: a woman does not like her husband, she has a bad temper, she is lazy, etc. However, it is more convenient to look for a mote in someone else's eye: instead of pulling herself together, resolutely change her behavior, the woman seeks an excuse. Hardly, she is ready to say that the cup of her patience is filled to the brim. Thus, the myth of the despair of a conjugal situation is born. People compose and support it.
. .. You learned about the most common styles of marital relations. Sincerely I wish you that in everyday communication you as less as possible use those that adversely affect the well-being and mutual understanding of family members.
Would you like to evaluate the result together with your husband of past years? Below are suggested judgments that allow you to judge the extent of your love, sympathy, respect for your husband, as well as aptitude and antagonism. Read them and express your opinion: consent or disagreement( "yes", "no").The more affirmative answers, the more the degree of specific feelings that are revealed:
Love: 1. It would be hard for me if I had to live without a husband.2. I can say that it belongs only to me.3. For him, I'm ready absolutely for anything.4. When I feel bad, I want to share only with him.
5. I feel responsible for making it feel good.
6. I really treasure his feelings for me.7. The thought of divorce is terrible for me.8. I feel tenderness for him.9. I really like being close to him.10. He is one of the most attractive men I know.11. My husband is my only true love in life.12. I like to watch him( listen to his voice, look at his face, see how he works, walks, sits).13. I am ready to postpone important matters, just to stay with him.14. I can hardly stand the separation from him.
Sympathy: 1. When we are together, we usually have a good mood.2. He is a very smart person.3. In most cases, people like it almost immediately after they meet.4. I think that we are internally similar to each other.5. I would like to think like thoughts and deeds.6. I feel that he trusts me more than others.7. Joint leisure activities strengthen our family.8. His presence is beneficent.9. I am proud of my husband's success.10. I try to be his support and support in everything.
Respect: 1. I find in my husband a lot of personal merit, for which I respect him as a person.2. Among my friends and relatives he is the most authoritative person for me.3. When it's hard for me to decide anything, I usually consult with him.4. He can easily convince me.5. I believe that his head works well.6. He is an interesting person, I do not miss him.7. He often expresses intelligent and intelligent thoughts.8. I am proud that he is my husband.9. It has such qualities that I would like to see in myself.10. I treasure his trust.
Antipathy: 1. We often get on each other's nerves.2. I sometimes have a thought about divorce.3. I rarely feel calm in his company.4. I can completely do without his tenderness and affection.5. I sometimes want to live alone, without a husband.6. My marriage is rather unsuccessful than successful.7. Together we are bored.8. It is easier for me and my husband to be separated than together.9. We have difficulties due to the dissimilarity of the characters.10. We hardly understand each other.11. Often I have a desire to relax from it.12. His manners sometimes irritate me.13. In his appearance, something repels me.14. In his presence, I easily get tired, irritated, out of myself.15. I am sometimes annoyed by the demands, actions of the husband.