Adult children in the family
Jun 29, 2018
• Never, under any circumstances, give advice if you are not asked.
• Talk only about what you were asked about.
If an adult child asks for advice - it means that he needs advice. Not instructions, instructions, instructions, comments about his way of life, your judgments, opinions, and so on. He addresses you only for advice - no more and no less. But also be careful here.
I suggest a small training exercise. Imagine that your adult child is asking for your advice about the work that was offered to him. Here are the options for what you can tell him:
• "What's the difference if you go there or not. Anyway, after three months you'll throw it like you throw everything else. "
• "If you refuse, you'll be a complete idiot!"
• "I still do not understand what you found in cleaning carpets."
• "Well, at least, there will not be against your nightmarish rings in your nose and pins in your tongue."
* Of course, if you read them in order. If not, please do a favor before reading this rule, still read the previous one.
Naturally, if you explain that none of these answers can be true, you can be offended for having a low opinion of your intellect. You probably understand: you just have to give your son or daughter advice. A little clue: probably the best way to do this without crossing boundaries is to ask questions."And what attracts you to this work?" "And will there be an opportunity for advancement?" "And you do not mind the longer road to the place of work?" Something like that. In other words, you will help them find their own answers and make their own decisions.
How to get along with the advice of friends and relatives
This is exactly what the Council means. Nothing more. At the same time, children do not have to follow it. They can think and do the exact opposite. And this does not mean that your advice did not help them. And you should not be upset and offended about this. Be glad that something could help.
So, who do you want to see your child in the future? Champion of races? A ballerina? Scientists? Professional football player? Fiddler? An actress? As long as the children are small, it is difficult to understand which field they will choose, so it is probably your responsibility to give them different opportunities and closely monitor what they are showing more interest. In this case, then they will not be able to blame you for not developing their talents due to the fact that you did not contribute in time.
Of course, your schedule in this case is threatening to be very saturated. Football on Mondays, the theater on Tuesdays, the clarinet on Wednesdays. .. and after that also swimming! On Thursday we go to the ballet, on Friday - to the gym. And this is only with one child. And if you have two or three, then the real fun begins.
Wow! Wait, I think we forgot something. For example, the usual games on the lawn. In addition, do not you think that children should, among other things, learn to independently seek entertainment for their own taste? Will it be possible to find in your busy schedule at least some time for comics or just to watch the clouds and even "do nothing"?After all, all this is just as necessary for normal growth, as well as study or sports.
Did you meet such children, whose life consists exclusively of lessons, trainings and additional lessons? And do you know what will happen if such a child is given the opportunity to self-occupy himself? For example, invite him to go to some beautiful, quiet place - in the mountains, on the beach, in the village? He's lost. Such children do not know how to entertain themselves - they did not have time to learn it. And because of this they are waiting for a very difficult life in the future. They will never be able to relax and rest, because no one has taught them this.
So, do not panic, I do not at all prohibit you from finding any extracurricular activities for your children. It's just stupid. I guess only that these classes should be limited, say, to two species per week. And what exactly - let the child choose on his own. There is no point in giving him to learn to play the violin just because you were doing it in childhood and you liked it. Or because they have never done this, although they have dreamed all their lives. If the child wants to do something new, he will have to give up some of the classes that are available at the moment.(Yes, let him drop the ballet if he really hates it, even if the teacher claims that he has a talent!)
YES, THE BALLET WILL BE THROWING, IF IT IS REALLY HATED, WHETHER EVEN IF THE TEACHER CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS A TALENT!
Do you remember the calm and contented parents that we talked about, considering the first rule? Are there many of such parents who, from your point of view, are approaching the ideal, those who every day drag their children to some classes? Most likely, there are none at all! The right parents allow their children to do one or two things, to which they really "have a shower," and the remaining time free from these things they can play in their mother's daughters, collect puzzles, roll on the grass, construct something from empty boxes, to catch beetles in the garden, to arrange exhibitions of toy dinosaurs, to read books "for preschool children" and do everything else that children always do and that is necessary not only for them, but for you, because busy children will not demand your attention 24 hours a day.
You are not required to follow all advice received( and this included)
What did your mother say? What during the feeding of the child should every ten minutes be lifted to regurgitate? Did her mother-in-law advise you not to buy clothes that are worn over your head? And of course, the best friend discouraged from buying a portable cradle-basket. Although the son-in-law claimed that she really saved them. .. Aaaa! !!
And this is just the beginning. The number of tips that fall upon you with the birth of a child, is capable of plunging into horror. And it turns out that in eighteen years their flow will not even run out."Oh, why do you want him to go to university? It's a waste of time, let's look for work! "Or:" Children should be put out of the house at 18, otherwise they will continue to sit on your neck until old age! "Or:" Do not buy her a car! Let herself save on her. We did so. "
There is only one person in the world to whom you must listen: you. And if you are raising a child not alone, it probably makes sense to take into account your partner's point of view. And that's all! Otherwise, you just go crazy! And if you remember, your goal is to preserve common sense.
I'm not saying that you should not listen to anyone;if you want - listen, no one will forbid you. And some reasonable advice can be taken into service. But even if what you are told seems right to you, you do not have to strictly follow other people's recommendations. Simply because something that has come to someone sometime - some approach to education, a little cunning, adaptation, method, system, etc. - does not have to suit you at all. Children are all different, and parents are also, so it is unlikely that someone else's experience will just fit you.
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN TO-THEN TO-WHO, EVERYTHING IS NOT OBLIGITED TO COME TO YOU.
My neighbor once asked me what I think about the strict mode of feeding for babies. It is completely unclear why she asked about this from me, since we had nothing in common with her. She had a love of order, precision and organization in everything, and could really suffer if something did not meet the standards. I was always a relaxed and devoid of pedantry, so I let my children sleep when they get tired, and eat when they get hungry.