In search of emotional resonance

Emotional resonance is a condition that occurs when two people are "tuned" to each other emotionally, intellectually, sexually or morally. If a man and a woman reach a resonance, they have a holiday of mutual understanding, a general upsurge of strength, a burst of inspiration. Communication becomes both desirable, interesting, and peaceful.

However, at times the emotional states of the same partners dissonant. And then contact between them does not arise, the conversation does not glue and does not warm, communication irritates and even oppresses.

Infinite variations of non-coinciding states of mind. For example, one of the spouses is experiencing an upsurge of psychic energy, another is a decline. One is in a sentimental sadness, the other at this moment is aggressive. One is coldly judicious - the other is emotional and inconsistent. One wants to retire, rest, another day and the same hour needs to be uttered in the same hour. And instead of patiently waiting for the next phase - the resonance, the partners desperately quarrel. A man blames a woman, and a woman - a man. Now in the course are bad characters, selfish habits and references to objective circumstances. Spouses are unaware that the reason for the mutual misunderstanding in both at once, and not in someone specifically.

. .. My husband is in a bad mood. I did not understand where it came from: something was not right, something caused disappointment - everything was trivial, but it was unpleasant. The wife reacts in accordance with the stereotype of femininity, showing attention to the spouse: "Has something happened?" Because the cause of the husband is not realized, he can not say anything intelligible. Well, once with his wife everything can be afforded, barking: "LEAVE!" This is where the characters "hook up": the wife responds with rudeness to rudeness, the husband shows even more incontinence. It even seems to him now that the reason for his bad mood is a wife who always "sticks", everything she needs to know. After such an output, it is easy to recall the sad past experience, the previous quarrels. ..

And everything was "brewed" because the couple were in different emotional phases. It was easy to avoid conflict: his wife should wait until her spouse's mood changed, even better, of course, it would be for her husband not to show it himself.

At times, one marriage partner is on an intellectual upsurge - philosophizing, reasoning, ironic, criticizing, Another at this moment does not even want to talk, let alone discuss. Both will be good only when the phases of intellectual activity coincide.

Married couples vary in their degree of sexual activity. If both spouses need intense sexual intercourse, then they are not affected even by quarrels - naturally, between them is mostly sexual resonance. The other pair often experiences a state of dissonance, because one of the spouses has a need for constant sexual intercourse, while the other has a sexual attraction rarely. Husband and wife irritate each other: one - desire, the other - coldness. When their aspirations coincide, there comes a state of resonance - the harmony of the senses.

Studies show that sexual harmony is a dynamic phenomenon. According to A. Tavit( Estonia), at the beginning of marriage, about 90 percent of partners experienced full or almost complete sexual satisfaction, in five years only 72 percent of husbands and 74 percent of wives. So, over time, there is a decrease in sexual desire. In successful marriages this process proceeds more slowly. Periodic disagreements in sexual life can also occur in newlyweds in happy marriages: from time to time, they experienced a disharmony of about 31 percent of successful couples.

The data obtained by Vitek testify that people who consider their marriage to be "perfect" experience sexual harmony: almost 60 percent of the respondents had very frequent sexual intercourse( daily or 2-3 times a week), in marriages onfacets of divorce, frequent sexual contacts were observed in a very small number of pairs. This is understandable and at the level of common sense: what kind of sexual harmony can there be, if love, tenderness, emotional support, caring and compassion for one another have disappeared.

Dissatisfaction with an intimate life can be caused by a lack of culture in the field of sexual and psychological relationships. The data obtained by some researchers show that women complain about the physiological approach of husbands to intimate contacts, on the everydayness of relations, on the reluctance to enrich these relations. Men feel full or partial satisfaction more often than women.

Sexual harmony in marriage can be prevented premarital sexual relations. A number of specialists believe that the early sexual life leads to a weakening of the psycho-emotional orgasm, it becomes boring, ordinary. Everything seems to be normal, but the emotional component is lost. This circumstance provokes both men and women to seek "shake-ups" on the side. But if the contacts are adjusted almost "on the move", too, the indifference to the sexual partner also comes quickly.

Happens in a different way. Vitek found that among those who admitted premarital-intimate relationships, more than half were satisfied with their sex lives in marriage, while among the opponents of premarital intimate relationships there were only 37 percent of those who were satisfied with this side of marriage.

As you can see, not on their own, premarital relationships affect sexual harmony, but how spouses treat them.

The moral resonance is manifested in the fact that at a particular moment the spouses experience the same moral motives. For example, walking down the street, they witnessed how a group of teenagers offends a passer-by. Both are indignant at the actions of young people and intervene in the situation, seeking to restore justice. The joint moral action of the spouses strengthens their ties. However, it often happens that the husband and wife experience moral dissonance: for example, he is outraged by what is happening and is ready to stand up for the offended, whereas she does not want to "go into their own business".

Temporary lack of moral resonance can explain some conflict situations in the family. The conflict arises when the spouses differently evaluate what is happening, although usually their positions coincide. Following the perception of these situational moral differences may come disappointment in man, I want to make far-reaching generalizations, which is not justified.

The most important condition for the achievement of emotional resonance is the timely satisfaction by the marriage partner of any other needs. The more there is between them psychological compatibility, the more sensitive they perceive each other, the easier it is for them to catch a partner's need. Needless to say, a woman can show more sense and attention here. Take for example the need for food.

That the husband's disposition can be achieved through his culinary abilities is the most ancient discovery of a woman. I suspect that once she made the conclusion, which became winged: "The way to the heart of a man lies through his stomach."

I dare on behalf of the male half of humanity to assure that this truth remains immutable. However, today, men are less and less likely to admire the culinary art of their wives and, consequently, respect them for it. Many emancipated young housewives forget the recipes of their grandmothers and mothers, rarely look in the cookbooks, which immediately reflects on the home menu. What it monotonous, fresh, hasty, uncreative in most houses I know! But how nice to be visiting a good cook! Immediately there is a sincere resonance.

But seriously, what prevents sometimes the couple to seek it?

One of the main reasons - a high degree of personification( from the word "person" - personality) of each.

A modern person is very personified, that is, he is aware of his individuality, demands respect for himself, is eager to show independence and independence. He is ready to express his own opinion, insist on his decision, demonstrates the will to translate his ideas and achieve personal goals. This, in particular, is the result of a high level of education and self-awareness. And if you have in mind women, then the sense of personification they primarily associated with participation in social production and emancipation in general.

Under the influence of inflated personification, many have a sense of their sinlessness, righteousness, "goodness."Listen to how people judge themselves and others. Almost everyone considers himself to be decent, conscious, conscientious, intelligent, and correct. The bad is seen willingly in others.

Not always and everywhere you need to demonstrate your psssonifitsirovannost, emphatically manifest their "I".In the family sphere, personification is inappropriate for the simple reason that it destroys the nature of contacts. When

in a family interact with two persons with a heightened sense of self-esteem, exaggerated conceit, a painful self-esteem, the relationship is heated, a high level of personification, as it were, warms them up, acts as their catalyst.

What is it manifested? First, the self-criticism of a person declines: on the one hand, it does not see its shortcomings and exaggerates advantages, on the other hand it overstates requirements to the marriage partner, ignoring its individuality. Any manifestation of the discrepancy between characters, habits and values ​​is experienced acutely, emotionally, and accentuated.

Psychological incompatibility is the norm in a democratic marriage, which involves people of different levels of education, culture, with different interests, principles. Two to three years is the adaptation of the spouses to each other - this is the period of searching for ways and means of compatibility. A high degree of personification hinders the natural development of marital relations, further exacerbating existing differences in partners.

Secondly, a high level of personification leads to the fact that the various phenomena of married life are perceived by the spouses through the prism of their "I", necessarily by measuring their values, views, habits. It is not always appropriate, especially when we are confronted with ordinary domestic situations, unplanned partner actions or unintentional injuries inflicted on us. Unfortunately, it happens that to every trifle the spouses give some special meaning, they look for an occasion for personal insult, they show their wounded pride.

. .. The husband made a remark to his wife: "You again forgot to put out the light in the kitchen."He said calmly, without any "rear" meaning. The spouse also reacted to his words at the level of his "I": "That you always teach me, like I'm little. Read the notation to your son! "After such an inadequate reaction, the" I "of the husband is also able to express himself:" It is painful to teach you, stupid! Do not yell at me! "

If the personification level of the spouses was lower, and the culture - more, if the reactions passed the prism of the" I ", the husband and wife would calmly react to comments of this kind. In such situations it is even useful to belittle the level of one's personalities) thus showing a willingness to eliminate their shortcomings and avoid conflict. To the husband's remark that it is necessary to extinguish the light in the kitchen, the wife could say: "Oh, again I forgot, I became completely absent-minded."A pinch of self-criticism completely blocks the conflict.

Alas, often there are spouses who can not critically look at themselves, treat themselves with humor. The exaggerated manifestation of their "I" testifies to spiritual poverty and debauchery of a person. Ambitions, as a rule, cover up stupidity and limitation, and in some cases directly lead to divorce. Hardly that, another "person" is ready to shout in the face to his "half": "You'll think, I'll do without you!" The words are dictated not by reason, but by bloated pride.

Thirdly, a high level of personification leads to the fact that even the good personal qualities of spouses do not save from conflicts, they are ignored and annoyed.

. .. The marriage union was concluded by two young men. He is a purposeful, business person, she is an economic, attentive, kind woman. But since both spouses had an elevated level of personification, they endlessly taught each other, very painfully reacted to the comments exchanged. After a while, the husband and wife became embittered, sharp, unrestrained, constantly trying to pod each other, to find the word more sharply.

Note that if in a spousal intellect is used to offend, humiliate, offend a partner, the conflict becomes irreversible. It is better to carry all sorts of naughty emotions in an emotional fever, than with cold reasoning to sting your "victim" with accurate words and comparisons. In such cases, it becomes clear that the partner has been harboring anger for a long time and pursues one goal - to show that the life together can not continue.

I do not cease to be surprised at this fact: separately taken each of the spouses is a very nice, sweet, intelligent person, but together he and she form such a "cocktail" of personal qualities that even an outsider is poisoned by it, barely sipping, and the spouses take this poisondaily.

The statistics of the causes of divorce, as it seems to me, reveals hypertrophic personification. So, the data of a sociological survey conducted in Leningrad show that people are often divorced because of differences in positions. The respondents named the reason for the divorce: differences in views on leisure activities - 24.2 percent, views on housekeeping - 19.9, on the upbringing of children - 16.6, on further plans - 16, On public activity - 9.9,on literature and art - 7.9 percent.

You can, of course, doubt the correctness of the study. For example, it is not clear what the differences in views on leisure activities mean-they concern television programs and going to the movies, or one of the spouses drinks vodka, and the other changes it. Respondents could follow the prompt contained in the list of options proposed for the answer, could "adjust" their circumstances to ready-made answers. Nevertheless, the statistics are depressing.

Will normal people get divorced because of different views on public activity or literature and art? Of course, the point here is a heightened reaction to the rejection of the marriage partner. Obviously, the conflict of the divorced is so deep that it annoys everything in the partner, everything is denied.

Fourthly, a high degree of personification of the mate provides a clear manifestation of his individual qualities - both advantages and disadvantages, including anomalies. Is it necessary to emphasize its own peculiarities in family relations? Mostly it does not follow, exceptions are acute situations, when issues of family well-being, honor and decency are being decided. In other cases, a good family atmosphere assumes a semitone, soft, non-intrusive behavior. And you yourself know what happens if any member of the family squeezes, shows character, positively expresses his opinion. ..

The emergence of emotional resonance is hampered by the fact thatafter the marriage, some husbands and wives very slowly, reluctantly rebuild their behavior in a family way. A woman has on her mind girlfriends, discos, men have friends, football passions, old "friends".

Both spouses are trying to preserve some bachelor habits, yet still demanding reciprocal demands. Their expectations are not justified, which causes conflicts.

The emotional resonance does not arise also because of the fact that the spouses are almost all the time in an inflated condition. Household difficulties, minor and major troubles, interpersonal conflicts - all provoke nervous tension, in which it is almost impossible to tune in to a wave of mutual respect, understanding. The situation is complicated by the fact that most of the spouses are not accustomed to, do not know how to "dump" psychic energy somewhere in the side, "discharge" outside the family, for example, by engaging in amateur creativity, sports, tourism, etc. A convenient and closely located "target"for an emotional "shot", a marriage partner is elected, which gets a powerful energy strike."Strikes" are applied by the husband and wife alternately, causing deep insults. With a strong concentration of psychic energy, it is discharged through divorce. Divorce now often serves as an exhaust valve;for the family this means of self-destruction in a desperate situation.

Quite a natural reason for the spiritual dissonance of the spouses is the extinction of the senses. There is nowhere to go - most of us are arranged so that after the enthusiasm, shock, adoration of a loved one, there comes a cooling and even disappointment. However, after a certain period of time, feelings can flood with renewed vigor. In the period of their decline it is important not to undermine the relationship with the marriage partner. Try to remember the emotional trembling of the past, memories dear to the heart. Perhaps, this is one of the most significant indicators of respect for oneself. Otherwise, we must admit to ourselves that the choice was erroneous, that the feelings were deceived and the time spent together was in vain. ..

The next reason for spiritual dissonance is a violation of the spouses' communication, when the husband and wife are experiencing a burden from joint conversations, they have nothing toto talk. This is a serious psychological malfunction in the life of the family. The habit of keeping silent can have the most negative effect on the relationship to each other. Especially if you take into account the additional action of the "killer" of the spouses' communication - the TV.

K.Vitek on the basis of the survey made sure that a quarter of the men and women questioned about the question of what they lacked in marriage answered - common interests. More than 40 percent of respondents indicated that dissimilar views and differences of interests are the main cause of marital conflicts.

Finally, on the way to mental resonance, there is often another serious obstacle - the desire of the spouses for psychological exploitation of each other.

What exactly is the psychological exploitation of the marriage partner? First of all, in demonstrating to him the negative traits of his character, negative emotions and bad habits. Some people do this without ceremony, between work, forcing the suffering of the rest of the family, and are also proud of their shortcomings.

Psychological exploitation finds expression in the encroachment on the spiritual world of the marriage partner. Some spouses like to dig into the soul of a life partner, claim to know all of his innermost thoughts and experiences. It even happens that one of the spouses strives to incorporate the personality of another, to absorb it, to make part of it. In such cases, the marriage partner disposes of the other as property, indicates what and how to do, feel, think. For example, a woman is surprised: "What kind of secrets can my husband have? If two love each other, they have nothing to hide! Perhaps, this is an erroneous position. Each person has his own deeply intimate world and the right to decide whether he needs witnesses and judges or not.

Psychological exploitation can occur by transferring responsibility for certain decisions and actions to a partner. Many husbands laid on wives visits to parents' meetings in children's day care centers, orchards and schools, visits to housing offices, the solution of scrupulous questions of sexual education of children and other psychologically labor-consuming problems.

Psychological exploitation manifests itself in the desire of the marriage partner to cause sympathy for themselves at a time when the other partner is looking for support and comfort. The wife tells her husband about troubles at work, she needs empathy and participation. Hardly having listened to it, the spouse starts to "cry to the waistcoat", say, my troubles are much more important. A match in search of emotional compassion is a very common phenomenon in a modern family. We really love that we feel compassion, and do not be shy about our weakness.

In principle, empathy for each other is a matrimonial duty, but often the relationship develops in such a way that one constantly sympathizes, and the other only uses it, without showing concern, attention and kindness. In this case, the one who becomes the object of psychological exploitation, has a great intellectual, emotional and moral burden. Sometimes it is almost unbearable.

Psychological exploitation is expressed in the habit of discharging on the family members emotions born in production, in urban transport, the crowd of stores. There is also an unreasonable concentration of energy in the body, which splashes out in a fit of anger, anger, hostility, resentment - then gets to someone who turned up on the arm. It happens that a husband or wife is used to breaking evil on a partner, turning him into a "scapegoat".Psychological exploitation in such cases becomes immoral and, naturally, provokes response reactions - protests, anger, antipathy.

In general, where did this habit come from - to share the family emotions about the production troubles and scandals in the queues? We are just fixated on these topics. Probably, all because there are still too many problems in our life: Nevertheless, one should not drag them, much less in their emotional interpretation, into the house, mercilessly exploiting the psyche of each other. We need to learn from the British - they consider it a bad form to talk about business outside the office or business. Even the actors here, the people are known to be emotional, having settled in the bar after the just-played performance, will not say a word about the work.

We everywhere talk about production topics, about our bosses and subordinates: on one's birthdays, at meetings with friends, in a bathhouse, on a picnic, on a dream coming. Engineers, workers, artists, employees, scientists - we all suffer from industrial mania.

Finally, many people tend to "lose" their behavior models to others, involving loved ones in their problems and experiences, demanding support, reinforcement and approval of actions - this is also psychological exploitation.

The models of the past, present and future are played. Let us give some examples.

I recall a middle-aged couple who complained about unstable relationships. The fact that the man endlessly returned to his former family mentally, was tormented by remorse and sought sympathy for his wife. In other words, he mercilessly exploited his wife psychologically, losing with her participation models of his behavior in the past. For both, the situation was difficult.

And here is a typical example of playing the model of the present. The woman returned home from the store, where she had a conflict with the seller. In faces, with appropriate intonations and the slightest details, she paints her husband, as she tried to put a brush of rotten grapes and how she sought justice. And try not to sympathize with her husband or, God forbid, say: "You made a noise because of a trifle."The following example will show how the psychological exploitation of the marriage partner is going on by playing the model of future behavior. .. The spouses have gone to bed, passed the troublesome Sunday day for the wife - cleaning, washing, lunch. Just closed my eyes as my husband began to share his worries:

- Do not you sleep? You know, I decided tomorrow to tell my boss everything I think about him. Enough to endure. ..

- Lord, I'm so tired. ..

- And who else should I consult? The wife is called! "And the representative of the stronger sex defiantly turned away from her half.

I foresee the perplexity of some readers: it turns out that the couple can not exchange opinions and sympathize with each other?

Of course, you can and you need it, sometimes it's just necessary. We need advice or the participation of a loved one when we make an important decision, when it is difficult to choose a variant of behavior from several possible ones, when there is joy or sadness in our soul. It is necessary and to exchange impressions about the read book, the seen film or the telecast. But, I am sure, it is far not always expedient to bring down on your partner your emotional experiences. This is especially true of men, they are supposed to be reserved.

Now you are invited to analyze your relationship with your husband and understand whether they have elements of psychological exploitation. The more affirmative answers - the more you have a tendency to exploit others.

1. I always tell my husband about my production troubles.2. I often raise my voice to him.3. It's hard for me to admit my mistake to my husband, wrong.4. Perhaps, I have a difficult nature.5. I often regret that I said something in anger without thinking.6. I often get irritated.7. I think that my husband should be frank with me in everything.8. A real husband must forgive his wife.9. I usually stop my husband when he starts to rant on his favorite topic( politics, fishing, football, car and d, etc.) 10. I almost always tell my husband about the conflicts that happened with my participation in a store or city transport.11. Before going to bed, my husband and I usually have a hem: we discuss the little things of life.12. I find myself making remarks to my husband all the time.13. If my heart is restless, I must definitely share my experiences with my husband.14. By nature I'm a pessimist, I see a lot in the black light.15. I often return after work in a bad mood.16. I know that because of some of my bad habits, family members suffer.

17. I often find myself saying that I tell my husband taunts.

18. I think that my husband should rest and have fun only with me.