Sense of guilt from parents

There are people who flit through life, there are people who break through it with a fight. Sometimes for such a battle there are objective prerequisites, and sometimes it seems to arise from scratch. But often the causes are found inside the person.

I'm sure, just like you, I know a number of people with a nightmarish past. Those who have experienced bad treatment, lack of parental love, family tragedy - well, you know. Many of them, quite understandably, suffered from this, but many, on the contrary, came out of all the trials only stronger and persistent. I know one man who was left without both hands when he was not even twenty, and you hardly met someone more cheerful and balanced than he. I am familiar with people who, despite their toughest childhood, grew up to be reasonable and happy adults. I know dysfunctional families in which one of the children was left with a load of problems for life, and someone transferred everything without obvious consequences. Conversely, I know people who have grown up in beautiful families who have become alcoholics, drug addicts or psychopaths.

I'm not going to mislead anyone, and I'll be honest: yes, among my acquaintances with serious problems in life, more than those who grew up in dysfunctional families. But nevertheless, there are a lot of children of quite successful parents who have received excellent education. This is because parents are just one of the factors that cause problems in adulthood. Besides them, there are many other reasons that can "reward" your children with problems, both internal and external, and those that you can not influence.

If you are sure that you conscientiously fulfilled all the duties of the right parents( without forgetting, of course, that there are no ideal parents), then I guarantee you that it is not your fault that your already grown-up children are from somewhere,then there are problems. Do not execute yourself if your child has depression, or he is unable to maintain a permanent relationship with a partner, or drinks, or at 35 years of age remains unemployed. It is not your fault. You probably should have been responsible if your child as a child had to get wet at night in the rain on the street, but if he sleeps in a ditch at the age of thirty, this is not your problem.

Sometimes there are even such situations where you realize that the only thing that you can do is close the doors of your house to your own child. Today they often talk about "hard love", and this really can happen in your life. But the main thing is that your child still knows that you are waiting for the opportunity to open the doors again before him, and do it as soon as you are sure that it can be done. If your child goes through really severe trials, it may turn out that, except for you, no one in the world will want to let him into the house. Friends can turn away from him. But you will not turn away, betray, do not leave to the mercy of fate;you will wait and at the first opportunity will help him remember that there will always be in this world at least one person who will love him and support him in any circumstances.

Feelings of guilt are a selfish, weak-willed feeling;you can much better help yourself and your child, if you do not succumb to it and do not plunge into the quagmire of self-flagellation and savoring your own mistakes;all you have to do is admit that you are not guilty of anything, and the past in any case will not change, and direct all efforts to correct the existing situation. Yes, even at two o'clock in the morning, when you are suffering from insomnia because of feelings about children, do not allow yourself to turn to the wrong path. Yes, I know how difficult it is, but it will not lead you anywhere. And yet, in fact, it is possible that you consider yourself guilty not because you really made a mistake, but because you are afraid, but what if it turns out that this is so? So: if you at least half fulfilled your duties, you are not to blame for anything.

As the parent, writer and expert Steve Biddhalf said: "Your job is just to look after them until they get help."