The child should be desired

Perhaps the trivial idea is that the love of a child begins even before his birth. Most often it is the desire to have offspring that motivates the father and mother to give birth to a new life.

If a child is wanted, he will be born from an expensive person, then he is able to personify our idea of ​​happiness, bring joy with him. But there are other situations, because life is complex and contradictory. The mind understands that a child is a necessary being for her, but circumstances have developed so that his appearance in the world is not timely, undesirable. At the same time, the state of health, late pregnancy or some other factors make it necessary to make a decision to give birth.

The psychological costs of unwanted childbirth are great. Parents have to break their plans, involuntarily get used to the new circumstances, which often adversely affects their attitude towards the baby. According to the well-known child psychotherapist AI Zakharov, an unwanted pregnancy is noted in 56 percent of cases as a probable cause of abnormal parent-child relationships and development of childhood neuroses. Sometimes the consequence of an unwanted pregnancy is the mother's refusal from the child - a phenomenon, unfortunately, still not obsolete in our society.

When a child is not expected, premature births are more common. This is because the woman is in a depressed, tense state, she is depressed by the thought of a relationship with her husband or about her personal fate and the future of the child, if she is alone. Strong experiences and provoke premature resolution of pregnancy.

Negative psychological mood before the birth of a child sometimes leads to the fact that a woman quickly disappears milk.

In general, the lack of mother's milk in many modern women - an amazing phenomenon. Physically healthy, giving birth at a young age, they are not able to satisfy their own need for a single child( usually).It seems that the reasons leading to this are diverse. Affects that we live in a tense, dynamic age, requiring from us increased activity, energy and nervous expenses. Perhaps, it is also in the features and diet of young people, that many girls smoke and sometimes drink. But the main thing, perhaps, is the specific mood of future mothers, whom no one - neither the family, nor the school, nor society - is preparing for this role. Here I would like to talk about an experiment conducted in one of the Leningrad universities with students who do not yet have children.

. .. Girls, one by one, entered the classroom, and suddenly a child's cry was heard without warning - a baby's voice sounded from the tape. How did the future moms behave? About 6 percent of the girls experienced unpleasant emotions - fright, discontent, irritation, 32 - negative and positive emotions at the same time, about the same number of participants in the experiment - only positive - joy, some expressed concern for the fate of the baby, exclaiming: "This is the child crying where he, what about him? ", some of the girls remained indifferent( 23 percent), and the experimenter could not determine what exactly they were going through.

Why did the girls' hearts respond differently to the crying of the baby - this symbol of defenselessness, a signal of danger, a call for help? Perhaps someone just was afraid of suddenness and therefore nervously perceived the voice of the baby. But here the first reaction is fixed, now it is possible to continue our experiment. While the baby "tears", we ask each girl to imagine a child who is crying and draw his face on a piece of paper.

Some draw a child's face carefully, with, warmth, tenderness. Others - hastily, nervously, as a result, some sort of cuttlefish, freak.

The conclusion is that, obviously, it's not about the presence or absence of the instinct of motherhood, but, rather, in education, life experience, moral position of the individual. Of particular importance are contacts with infants in their own family: almost all the girls who had younger brothers or sisters, perceived the crying of children with sympathy and a kind smile, lovingly drew children's heads.

Our experiment recorded an involuntary, automatic reaction of the girls. And what if they ask about the experience? It turned out that in words of reaction the majority of the same - positive. Almost all said that I want to help my baby, calm him, give me a pacifier, change diapers, etc. This gap between word and deed is alarming. ..

Sometimes it happens that the child is waiting, but instead of loving him they feel only a sense of need for it. Waiting and impatience replace tenderness, duty and, responsibility, that is, genuine care of the soul. In some young couples, the psychological attitude is limited to the purchase of a children's dowry and a stroller. In addition, the first pregnancy often coincides with the period of intense matrimony. Husband and wife get to know each other deeper, experience complex vicissitudes of adaptation to each other and new relatives. Young enthusiastically busy solving domestic problems, sometimes pregnancy proceeds against a background of intense stress. And the first conflicts, and domestic turmoil postpone their imprint on the physical and mental health of an unborn baby.

After a while, mother and father will forget about the difficulties at the beginning of their common life. They will never come to the head to explain the difficult nature, moods, nervousness, soreness of the child with the state of the mother during pregnancy or interpersonal relations of that period. They do not even think that they involuntarily injured the fetus, because they did not show enough love for the future child. But they could, in the name of a new life, protect themselves from unnecessary feelings, escape from some conflicts.

Unfortunately, we have a low culture of prenatal marital relations. A different husband allows himself at a time when a woman wears a child under the heart, rudeness and abuse, "finds out" the relationship, is inattentive to her needs. Often in front of a pregnant woman scandals are played out. And for all this, our children pay with their health.

. .. Lysenka was born with signs of anomaly unknown to doctors. Above the brushes on the handles were large swellings of the skin, the same bubbles disfigured the baby body in the lower part of the tummy. Difficult to make a diagnosis, the doctors decided to operate. Only a case helped to avoid the operation: an experienced doctor who had unofficially advised the mother to immediately leave the hospital and not subject the child to a severe test was found. Indeed, after a while, the trauma left no trace. What is its cause?

When a woman was pregnant, her husband constantly quarreled with his brother. We lived in the same apartment, each family, then their mother, disliked the new daughter-in-law. Once the conflict reached its climax: the brothers grabbed their guns and went to shoot. Lucina Mama survived this cruel scene. Thank God, it did not come to the tragedy, the adults reconciled, but the child suffered while still in the mother's womb. Subsequently, the girl grew very sensitive, nervous, and these qualities were preserved in her forever.

How many different dramas and tragedies pregnant women experience! Let even ordinary, so to speak, everyday.

It is known that they often experience a change of moods and desires, periodically fuss. However, men inexperience often take irritability, easy vulnerability of a pregnant woman for unexpectedly revealed features of her character. The first disappointment comes: how can you live with such a wife?

- Well, the character! I did not suspect that you are so harmful, "declares the young spouse, who did not have the patience for women's" fads ".

Besides, husbands do not know that during pregnancy women sometimes check them for "faithfulness" and "strength", they want to make sure again and again that husbands are devoted to them, ready for paternity.

And now, feeling a certain discomfort, a woman throws a test-task to her husband: "Oh, something is wrong for me!" For persuasiveness she held her breath, wrinkled her forehead, and sat down on the edge of the sofa. And she glances sideways at her husband: she will notice her condition or do it.a kind that did not notice? Will offer his help or pro-is silent? He does not pay attention to her words.

"So that's what you are," she concludes. It is difficult for a woman to tolerate indifference towards herself. She had already forgotten that, in fact, she was malingering. Now feelings are really touched, a lump rolled to his throat, tears welled in his eyes."He does not like me, I've already become disillusioned with him," the thought peppered the mind with an intrusive thought.

Well, if the husband still guesses to reassure his wife. But it can "get": "You need to hold yourself in your hands. This woman has a share. Not you alone. .. "In such cases, quarrels can not be avoided.

Here is another "test" situation. After choosing the right moment, the young wife asks: "Is it very noticeable that I'm in position?"Are you going to go to the cinema with me now? "Also the verification question, but the husband did not catch this and is developing" diplomacy ":

- Who is in this position in the cinema going? Katka from the former class of yours gave birth, and no one knew.

This is enough for a woman to get offended:

- You are ashamed of me. .. All of you are like that - do not like to carry sleds!

- If you put such a question, "the future dad retorts," I too can sit at home, I will not go anywhere. But remember, this is selfish!

Conflict can leave a deep imprint on a woman's soul. After all, she understands that the matter is not in her "piquant" appearance, but in relation to her husband to her position, to herself and to her future child. Negligence and rudeness of men in this matter are not forgiven. Sooner or later the feeling of resentment will make itself felt.

Disregarding the spiritual mood of a woman, some husbands even before the birth of the child declare that only the son will bring them joy. The woman begins to worry, think about what will happen if the daughter is born, will not it affect her relationship with her husband!

In such conflicts, as a rule, both spouses are guilty. Husbands should be more attentive and understand the psychology of a pregnant woman, and future mothers need to show more flexibility and patience. Let's go back to one of the situations described above and make sure that a woman could direct her development in another direction.

Here is a pregnant woman who felt a slight malaise. Naturally, she expects attention from her husband, but if he does not offer his help, the situation should not be aggravated. Why bother to wait-whether or not the husband will notice the change in state? It is better to call him, take his hand, press him to him. Of course, he should have guessed, but let the act of the wife be a little lesson to him. The man will make the right conclusion: to make his wife easier, we must give her more attention, often show caress. Or you can turn to him with a request - simply and without unnecessary emotions. For example, a woman says: "Help me, please. I would like to lie down, cover me with a blanket, bring a sip of water. "

Polite, laconically expressed request at a time when unwell - a certificate of patience and endurance. A man will certainly appreciate the courage of his wife and, believe me, will be caring and considerate. On the contrary, excessive emotionality, caprices will serve as an excuse for feigned discontent.

Demonstrating trust in her husband is an indispensable condition for normal relations with him and for educational influence on him. Well, if every word and every act of the wife testifies that she does not doubt her husband, feels confident when he is around.

So, it can be no exaggeration to say that the atmosphere that reigns in the family at the moment of waiting for the appearance of a child is a decisive factor in his fate. The child perceives the whole world with his whole being - his kindness or hostility.

During the first year of life, the kid must constantly feel that he was born for nothing, that he was expected, he is happy. The child with whom they play and talk, which they cradle and caress, believes that the world is a very cozy place, and people are worthy of love and trust. If at a very early age a person has received enough love and care, then he will learn to love and be friends in the future. On the contrary, having not received in the first months of life a charge of human heat, it is with great difficulty that he can extract it from his own soul.

Try to remember the atmosphere in which your pregnancy took place, childbirth and the first months after the birth of a baby. Below are various judgments on this topic. Think over them and tell me if you agree with them or not. The more positive answers you give, the more traumatic was the influence of the family atmosphere and other circumstances on the child's psyche and your maternal feeling. If you have more than one child, then first remember the first child, then talk about the second child. Perhaps, it is too late to correct anything, the past can not be returned, but conclusions are always useful. Your experience is useful for children and grandchildren, let them not repeat your mistakes.

1. Due to objective circumstances, it was necessary to postpone the birth of a child.2. The fate of a woman is hard because she has to give birth.3. When I was pregnant, I had to be nervous and worried.4. In a state of pregnancy I had to endure a great deal of stress, shock.5. Being pregnant, I was embarrassed to appear in public.6. My husband was embarrassed to visit me in public when I was in a position.7. The family situation on the eve of the birth of a child complicated the course of childbirth.8. When I gave birth, I gave my husband a condition that he would not drink.9. We really wanted a boy, and a girl was born( or vice versa).10. The birth of a baby broke plans, negatively affected some aspects of my life.11. The birth of a child in my family turned out to be a routine event.12. When the child was born, at first I remained indifferent to him and indifferent.13. It seems to me that the feeling of love for the child comes to the mother after a while.14. It seemed to me that I really love my child, but once I doubted it.15. I have rarely experienced tenderness of affection for my baby.

16. It is difficult for me to admit that breastfeeding causes a special flush of feelings for the child.

17. The troubles of family life had a bad effect on my attitude to the child when he was very young.18. I think that the unfavorable circumstances of family life( housing, money, relationships with a spouse or relatives) have had a negative impact on the child.19. If circumstances allowed, I would give the baby more maternal love.20. There were minutes, When I was sorry that I had a child.21. I hardly remember the joyful moments of the period when the child was very young.22. It's hard for me to understand those women who are touched by the sight of every baby in a stroller.23. The most burdensome in caring for a baby is diapers, kashki, nipples.