There is no explanation for a preference for love

- Daddy and Mom, congratulate us: we decided to get married.

This is how many young people notify their parents that a new and difficult period is beginning in their lives. In the established life of the family breaks the creature of a different kind-tribe, "alien" or "alien".Naturally, the elders perceive this news not so much with delight, but with apprehension and anxiety: what qualities and qualities does the future new relative have, how will they perceive the orders established in their house?

The period from the date of announcement of the upcoming wedding and until the "Bitter!" Dinner sounds, it is usually very tense for the bride and groom. Do they want to - do not want it, willy-nilly, but they pass a kind of a test-test for the right to become a member of the family of their chosen one, the chosen one.

Nothing much is said during the visits of young people to each other's parents, everything is common: when and how to celebrate the wedding, who to invite, where will the young live? But for how these negotiations are conducted, for what is important, what does not matter for the bride and groom, the experienced eyes of adults see a lot that can not be discerned, not to guess the lovers. And of course, they try to express their fears and doubts to their beloved children: is the choice made right? But their efforts are in vain.

Ask any of those who put the signature in the Book of Life: your friend embodies the limit of your dreams? You are her, and only her you want to see with your whole life, through her immortalize yourself in the offspring? With the same questions, then go to the bride. And look at their faces. Most likely you will read on them confusion and even irritation. What are they asking about? Well, of course, they now do not think of anyone else. Only with this person that stands nearby, maybe happiness.

Sincerely forgotten passions of the previous years, because it is very rare before the wedding, children's and young people's loves remain. From the mind and memory falls and the ideal, depicted the young imagination. And it is not surprising that the one who will share with you joy and sorrow, is little like a dream hero. She from childhood liked blondes with blue eyes, and marries a brunette with brown. He always saw the future wife bright beauty, "that can not kill the eye", and takes for himself a small, unpretentious, vostroglazuyu girl. What kind of miracles happen to them? Well, grandfathers and grandmothers dumped such transformations on the "God's business", they say, in heaven marriages are happening, to whom to be with whom - fate decides. Now there is no one to nod for his choice. Then they can only guess: how would fate have developed, respond to the call of other eyes and lips? Of course, everything would be different;profession, place of work, appearance and that could be different. With Masha, a home-stayed lover, a delicious meal, Petya, perhaps, would be distributed in breadth, laziness, stopped in development. And with Katya, an inveterate athlete, a fidget, he would be lean, wiry, energetic, and in business and entertainment.

And the bride, if she married Kolya, would live a completely different life: measured, carefree, with quiet and intelligent evening conversations, with subscriptions to the philharmonic society. And with Petya she will moo about the construction projects, huddle in trailers and barracks, sing amateur songs to the guitar, loudly argue. And I'd like to throw all this "romance of distant roads", and return to a nice hut.

And why did you part with Kolya and agreed to Peti's offer? After all, she liked both, it was time when the first one seemed to be closer, kissing hotly, did not part for weeks. And suddenly. .. Damn or blessed "suddenly"!A word, a sight, an act - all have changed. But after all, Peter can not all say well, stumble. Well, and to it it will be as irreconcilable as it turned out to Kolya? No, he forgives him more than anyone else.

- To think: sometimes the whole fate develops differently because of some smallness, randomness. Even children, their lives will be quite different, depending on the "combination" of the parent couple. And the life of close and distant relatives will be arranged in a special way because of the choice made by grown up children.

- Yes, the completeness, how many can be said about the choice, about a conscious, meaningful attitude towards the creation of a family! For example, AI Herzen, analyzing his and Ogaryov's family difficulties in The Past and Thoughts, wrote: "The rapprochement with a woman is a purely personal matter, based on. .. secretly physiological affinity, unconscious, passionate. We are close to each other, then we get acquainted. "(This was written by a man who married a cousin who, before marriage, for almost several years, almost every day, confessed sincerely to him!)

So, maybe the randomness of the connection is a regularity? After all, is it really possible to know before the marriage which spouse or partner will be the object of passion, if the marital status itself does not resemble anything if it is "mysterious, unconscious"?And what will all the premarital methods give to us, even the people's ways, even scientific ones, even with the help of computers "to calculate luck"?

- It is peculiar and forgiving for lovers to say that there is no explanation for their preferences, their choice. A lover knows: for what."She loved me for the pain, and I her for compassion for them"( V. Shakespeare, "Othello"), And the thick volumes of reflection-memories of a loved one left by faithful friends, what is this, how not an explanation - for what? And the passionate hymns of poets, in which in all subtleties and psychological details it is explained: what exactly did the lady of the heart attract?

It's interesting to find out who and for what the present young men and girls love? Some are fond of appearance, some are for spiritual qualities. What is preferable? Who has more chances to become a happy elect( chosen one)?

Well, that, sociology and this side did not pass by the attention. And it turned out that modern brides are primarily looking for a satellite in the future. .. intelligence, that is, a very complex set of the highest human properties. This is the mind, and erudition, and sensitivity, tact, culture, internal and external. This is what a set of properties is primarily valued. In second place is the attitude towards woman as a friend, caring attitude towards family and children, then - reasonable will, diligence, sobriety, sense of humor, striving for all-round perfection, physical beauty.

The tastes and requirements of young men to their chosen ones change in the same way, although their "set" is more traditional: they are looking for a combination of kindness, gentleness with selflessness, femininity with faithfulness to marital duty, but they are also interested in the mind and business virtues of a girlfriend who will have to work hardwith her husband on a par.

There are also known properties that are considered undesirable in marriage: selfishness, dishonesty, rudeness, greed.

Therefore, one does not need to be an oracle to predict: who of the contenders will have a better chance of winning the same subject of passion.

So, there are still norms and criteria for "selection" and not exactly the statement that no one knows the secret of selectivity, which attracts people to each other. Although there are a lot of couples in the world, on which both loved ones and strangers do not cease to marvel: and what did he find in the "half"?At all they do not fit, for any articles, but live - the soul in the soul! And the spouses themselves can not answer intelligibly to persistent questions until they seriously think about it.

And the secret of the long-term nature of such a union is often that people united not on the basis of similarity, similarity, but on the basis of a supplement, when one of the spouses compensates for the lack of some important properties and qualities of another.

There are many reasons that lead to the fact that "love ships" often diverge in the world's sea. One of them is the uneven distribution of precious properties between different people. One woman - beauty, the other - the soul and mind, the third - all this, but little by little. So it is with men. We often want, as Gogol's heroine from the comedy "Marriage" Agafya Tikhonovna, that the nose of one groom was attached to the lips of the other, and the figure was taken third, character - the fourth, then it would be possible to decide to marry( or marry)with no doubt. But an ideal, flawless combination, probably, is as rare as the weather, which would suit all at once.

With the injustice of nature, some are reconciled, representing a modest charm of naturalness, while others are attracting borrowed dignity to help themselves to strengthen the influence of their spells. What does, for example, a little girl, spinning in front of a mirror and trying on mother's or grandmother's outfits and decorations? It is already known: learns to like. How does she know that bright clothes and ornaments can serve as an attractive force for someone who will appear unknown when? And she does not realize anything of this. It is driven by an unconscious inclination and an innate ability to repeat the actions and habits of adults. Women do not cease to engage in decorations until the end of their days, because without any lectures and instructions, they comprehend the truth: a man in the first place loves his eyes. And no matter how many philosophical representatives of this sex assured us that they all prefer the natural delights of a living person and body to the fruits of the art of hairdressers, tailors and jewelers, they will not have to believe it. At least because even with unarmed statistics, you can see with a glance how interestedly they are accompanied by a brightly dressed person. And how indifferently they run past a simple girl with a sweet, intelligent and kind face.

Not so long ago I heard such a confession of a young woman:

- At school I had a kind of inferiority complex for a long time. Parents dressed me extremely modestly. They did this not so much because of money shortages, but because of the principle. And I saw that my peers-boys do not look at me with their eyes, and success is enjoyed by girls, dressed fashionably, brightly. A few years after graduation, I met a young man, whom I once studied in the same class. He seemed to be seeing me for the first time. I, speak, you also do not remember, I remember only your broken bots of model "retro".Now he is my husband, and at school I did not expect to attract his attention.

Here you have the attitude of men to "rags"!It is still necessary to find out: where is the cause, and where is the consequence of the addiction of women to things. And it is not excluded that later a young man who preferred this girl who satisfies his ideas of beauty, becoming a husband, moans from the wife of passion for toilets and ornaments.

The same picture with respect to bodily beauty: among the main properties that are desirable for the spouse, it is not indicated. But who does not know what exactly around the beautiful girls swarm of fans buzzes and twists, avoiding the modest, especially the ugly. And who, if not bright, but cold, indifferent beauties inspired poets for odes and ballads, knights for insane feats, and others for crimes?

"To fully understand all the vanity of man, we need to understand the causes and consequences of love. The reason for it is "no one knows what"( Cornel), and the consequences are terrible. And this "it is not known what", this smallness, which is impossible to determine, impossible, shakes the earth, moves monarchies, armies, the whole world. The nose of Cleopatra: be it a little shorter - the face of the earth would have changed. "So defined the impact on men of love and femininity, the beauty of the French philosopher Blaise Pascal.. In all hyperbolicity of such a judgment, a considerable part of the truth lies in it: the Trojan War, as is known, began because of the Beautiful Helen. Today the causes of wars, as of the world, are completely different, and yet the voices of the prophets, which foreshadow: the world will be saved by beauty and love, do not cease. But this will come, probably, when beauty joins with morality.

- Is beauty. .. maybe a better society than virtue? Ophelia asks.

And he hears Hamlet's answer: "The power of beauty will soon transform virtue from what it is into a vault, rather than the power of virtue will transform beauty into its likeness.

And prevents the beauty to connect with virtue is its own magical power: to the beautiful rush everyone who sincerely loves and who is just vain, ambitious. The most serious test for husbands is the attractiveness of their wives. Only one literary hero fully understood the position and state of the soul of his own wife, to which greedy hands full of gifts and all kinds of temptations stretched from all sides. This - Jacob Bogomolov, the main character of the same drama of M. Gorky. He first regretted a woman whose love, steadfastness, and respectability are under constant siege. Most often, trying to get into the own and individual possession of the firebird,

husband hopes that everyone around will not notice her dazzling plumage, will not strive to master this treasure. When, however, his expectations, of course, are not justified, he blames his lover for what he himself first of all appreciates: that she likes men.

Naive and accusations of the wife-coquette are that they continue to flirt with others, having already married. The spouse liked this her quality when he was courting the girl. Means, mourning for her windy, pretending, ability to seem, and not to be is vain.

As a rule, none of the respondents, neither the girl, nor the young man, is the age of the desired partner. Does this mean that today's young people are not at all indifferent to whether a spouse or a spouse is older or younger? Of course not.

Experience suggests: the most favorable combination of couples, whose husband is five to seven years older than his wife. From what? Remember the statements of psychologists about the early emotional maturation of the girl, about her worldly thoroughness. The difference in age is achieved by equalizing the maturity of the spouses.

However, in recent years, marriages of the opposite nature have become more frequent: the youths marry women much older than themselves. To a certain extent, this phenomenon can be explained by the infantilism of young people: some of them prefer to switch from mother to nanny from one of the women's hands, into the hands of a wife who stands firmly on her feet, who knows how to build a family life without an assistant( hence,complexity of domestic work).Exactly the same picture for some girls who turn away from "horseless" peers and willingly accept the offer, and even strenuously get it from a successful man, who often suits them in the fathers, but with a solid social position, with a car, a cottage. And the reason is the same - fear and unwillingness to create family well-being, aspiration to come to the ready.

The calculating bride and groom make up less than 10% of all those who marry. Most, as we have already said, are driven by disinterestedness, sincere and profound love for the chosen one( the chosen one), even if he is older in age, but peer mentally.

If men are told that they like eyes, then women rather like ears, that is, they are fascinated by their ability to speak interestingly, brightly, cleverly and acutely. And it is no accident that in speech to a greater extent than in appearance, human nature, intellect is manifested. But here is the contradiction, which makes one think that the girl does not always and not always trust in verbal charm. Of the two candidates: an eloquent talker and an active energetic silent, she often gives preference to the second.

I had to hear from specialists that girls do not behave consistently, claiming that out of all the advantages of their future spouse, they value intelligence more. This property implies softness, tolerance, courtesy in circulation, not only with the beloved, but with the whole environment. But it is known: an intelligent young man finds it difficult to resist resolutely a boor, a rude, wring the hands of a hooligan. Shocks, paralyzes the will of someone else's pressure, impudence. And not out of cowardice, namely because of the inability to raise his hand, even raise his voice to another person, he leaves an open fight with the abuser. And. .. often loses its dignity in the eyes of a friend. She does not only need a witty, resourceful companion. She needs a support in her weakness, a defender and her future offspring are needed. These qualities, in the end, are for many girls the most important in the assessments of applicants.

The same picture when faced with couples, "dotantsevshimisya" before the wedding. We already dealt with this situation, when we analyzed the history of the heroes of the film "It's time to love".Undoubtedly, the heroine, the girl, thin, musical, intelligent, did not think - she did not know how to look for her husband among the prominent, dexterous dancers who did not shine with deep intellect. She, probably, is also closer in spirit to the intelligentsia. But behold, you yourself, drove yourself into the fates of fate. And she is no exception.

Candidate of Philosophy V. Zatsepin found a cardinal difference in the student's assessments of "an interesting guy" as a friend for today's pastime and as a desired spouse. For the first main thing: appearance, entertaining, the ability to dance modern dances and dress effectively. For the second - the inner meaningfulness, the significance of nature. However, the girls themselves do not keep "interesting guys" at a respectful distance from themselves, they do not limit themselves to friendly, friendly relations. When the distance disappears altogether, it turns out: ideally, it had one image, and married for its opposite. Then sad eyes escorts those men that could make up her real happiness, but were not the best partners in dance and entertainment.

The students interviewed included in the questionnaire the sobriety of the future spouse almost to the end of their claims. And the mail of newspapers and magazines proves: this is one of the first conditions for family well-being. And not only because the craving for a glass is a convincing sign of weakness, immaturity of character. But also because such an inclination is the right path to complete deformation of the person. All the attractive features of this young man, like rusting iron, will eat, exhale, destroy vodka. And the wife will face face to face with a completely different essence and essence than the one for whom she married.

By the way, almost all the interviewed young men said that they would not want to have a smoking wife, and especially drink it. But it's no secret that it is the girl who smokes and drinks that will attract the attention of the guys rather than the modest woman. Sometimes a cigarette, a glass is perceived as a kind of sign of courage, independence. It is forgotten that all these habits are not needed for long-term life together.

Please note: in relation to the ideal and in everyday life, young people have, as it were, a double system of measures and assessments. One for lovers, the other for spouses. What is said to a loved one is not forgiven to a husband or wife.

If in our youth we all approached each other with the standards of eternal values, long ago vices would have been closed to our house. The fact that minute impulses are predominant in the motives of choice is also evidenced by the fact: you hardly hear from the bridegroom or bride that the preference is given to a future good father or a good mother of their common children. This perspective is not assessed at all.

Ambiguity, and sometimes contradictory desires and behavior allow us to talk about the impossibility to understand, explain and even more so to regulate the choice of married couples.

However, the time for the engagement is for that and is given to bring to the common denominator the desired, real and due. And if the eyes facing the creature, now the closest, covers the veil of love, then they have not lost their vigilance when looking at his relatives. And we have already noticed that for all the disparity in the tastes, inclinations, temperaments of children and the older generation, the main features of nature are borrowed from our mother's father, especially from the mother. It was not for nothing that the people had instructions to the groom: to look at the mother-in-law, if you want to find out whom you take as your wife.

We left for later discussion about the relationship to such an important value in married life, as the health of the two genera, who gathered to unite. Though, by honor, it would be necessary to put it in the number of essential preconditions for family well-being. After all, the birth of children, their upbringing - the main goal of the family. And if the future spouses or their immediate relatives suffer from a serious incurable disease transmitted by inheritance, then it should not be seven, but weigh ten times, before deciding to have a baby.

In large cities of our country, genetic centers are being created, whose specialists give an opinion on the health of future spouses. Such a service is created by the decision of the World Health Organization at the United Nations. It is useful, more precisely - an indispensable measure of protection for a particular family and the whole society from the growth in the number of children, who are inherently and forever doomed to suffering and disease.

Engagement is not yet a wedding And there is no sin if, as a result of mutual study, young people give up their intention to

their destinies. It is better to acknowledge your mistake before the wedding than from a falsely understandable shame to insist on a marriage that is initially doomed to failure. And there are a lot of such cases: up to 10% of those who submitted applications are not in the registry office. There would be more of them, if not for the resistance. .. of the parents. Others rest on: they say, embarrassing before their relatives. And the restaurant has already been ordered, and the wedding dress is bought! The hardest thing usually is the situation experienced by the parents of the instigator of the quarrel.

I remember how the mother and grandmother drowned the young man, how they treated him as a traitor when he refused to marry a week before the registration. But the groom considered his future new relatives, understood that he would be an eternal ignoramus in the wife's family - a "prima", and not an independent person, especially not the master of the situation. The bride categorically refused to leave her parents' house. And the young man canceled the wedding. You can and you should blame him for not being able to understand the beloved's relatives and their attitude towards him before the application was submitted to the registry office. But you can and need to understand his decision not to commit even more evil and stupidity than rejecting marriage.

Today, the cases when the brides do this, who have learned that the groom's family has a traditional drunkenness or other moral flaws, has become more frequent. No one is in a hurry to flaunt his sores. To discern them, it takes time and a certain measure of confidence between the two families to each other.

Sometimes the wedding is upset because the parents of the bride or groom stand as a wall in the way of the young to the registry office. And we must admit: they are not always hopelessly wrong. They know their child better than anyone else. What is on his shoulder, in strength, and what is not, "according to Senka, whether the cap."

- How right was my mother, when she discouraged me from marrying someone who was completely alien to our family in spirit, according to habits, this can be heard almost daily in the court of divorce proceedings. Young husbands usually do not make such references: it is inconvenient for a man to complain that at one time mother did not listen, but they also recognize the rightness of elders, albeit only in hindsight.

Recently, in many cities of our country, special organizations have been created, called "family services", which are primarily designed to help young people understand the most difficult issues of the upcoming family life. After applying to the registry office, the bride and groom are invited to listen to a special course of lectures on the ethics and psychology of family relations, the psycho-hygiene of marriage. At the same time, in some regions, it helps future young couples and their parents to fill the engagement time with interesting meetings in which both the young people themselves and their relatives could more fully and diversify themselves before each other.

It is advised to avoid fat and hungover feasts, which have become a bad tradition, where new relatives seek to outdo "rivals" with hospitality. It is better, when they compete in creativity, in the art of beautiful and diligent economics.

More than once in the publications on this topic there were proposals: to prolong the engagement for six months, and even for a year. But it is unlikely that the date of acquaintance. The heroine of the novel by Romain Rolland "Enchanted soul" Questionnaire Riviera and for a year could not unravel, discern spiritual alienity with her fiance, she did not live very long in his family. When you read these pages, you think: maybe in this kind of trial the pledge of a more reasonable and unerring election of a couple? The bride would live a month in the groom's house, the groom in the bride's house, as a friend-friend, then the vows that they would pronounce at the time of marriage would be more conscious and reliable.

Engagement - dress rehearsal, preparation for the wedding action, a great, without exaggeration, event in people's lives. Once, in the old days, our ancestors started to prepare for him during the time of serene childhood of the future bridegroom or bride. The girl was debased with a dowry: linen, clothes, dishes and other household goods. The boy was saving money for the plant with his house, cattle, and tools. The dowry was not only proof of the material well-being of the family, but also of its diligence, skill, skill. After all, quite often the whole factory was made by relatives and by the future brides and grooms themselves. And when the towels, gleams, embroidered and decorated with embroidery and lace were displayed for everyone, it became clear to everyone: what kind of needlewoman are married now, what is the style and taste of this family. The same goes for the groom: what is the harness for the horse, what is the luck of the young man and his relatives for the wagon, so is the future owner.

And the wedding itself among the people often became a long, inventive performance with songs, dances, with a strict script and at the same time - unrestrained improvisation, where all the participants of the festival co-wrote.

- But the richer families were, the less they had this spirit of initiative, the more purchase, loan fun, the more a demonstration not of what the genus knows, but what it has. In the last century - the beginning of this century, the scandalous-sweeping merchant weddings acquired sad glory: with many days of drinking-bouts, with the beat of utensils and the faces of the guests.

Unfortunately, with the growing prosperity of our people, followers of this method of celebrating the wedding appeared when all the forces, all the means of the two families, rush to throw dust into the eyes of the environment with "splendor and wealth".Instead of preparing meals for themselves, inventing ways to entertain guests, they pay a lot of money for restaurants, for orchestras and ensembles that deafen guests with a crash, invite paid entertainers who celebrate the festivities according to a single scenario, without distinction of the educational, cultural level and national traditions of the participants.

This heaviness and ordinariness, the official splendor of weddings, often meets resistance from the initiators of the celebration. Many modern brides and grooms would prefer a modest dinner in a close circle of friends and close relatives, ending with a wedding trip. But this, as a rule, is opposed by the older generation: "What will other relatives say, neighbors? Accused of greed, in contempt. No, let everything be like people's. "And since some newlyweds are dependent on their parents, they take the will of the elders unconditionally: "he who pays he orders music".

But gradually there is a new tendency: to celebrate a wedding in a camping trip, in a mountaineering camp, in various clubs. There is also a confrontation with collective drunkenness: weddings without hot drinks have already taken place among members of the society of nondrinkers in Dnepropetrovsk. And it turned out that such a wedding and sings, and dances, and fun is better than the one that is in every way heated with alcoholic beverages. Here remember the commandments of the ancients: the groom and the bride, and then - the newlyweds before the appearance of children are categorically contraindicated, so as not to mourn the whole life of the consequences of such "fun", looking at the freaks-children. And no one is left bitterly naughty from the indispensable companions of abundant libations - fights, scandals between the guests, calls of the guards of order.

Now, try to decide for yourself: are not there any "bifurcations" in your assessments of the merits of your friends-girlfriends and those who you see as a possible partner for the coming life? And is it possible to minimize this gap? And yet: already now, in advance, probably, it is worth considering that you will present your future "half" during the engagement and wedding that your family has or that can. If you do not have the necessary "capital" of skills, skills, it's worth hurrying. As with the exercise in carrying out various kinds of meetings, celebrations, competitions. All this is useful to flourish, decorate not only the solemn moments of the wedding, but also the long monotony of conjugal everyday life.