New relatives after the wedding
Jun 18, 2018
In life, it is often impossible to completely isolate young people, unless, of course, a new family does not arise somewhere far from the parent hearth. About 60% of newlyweds from the registry office are sent to the parents of the wife or husband. And this means that a new cell must fit into a strong, established way of life. More precisely, the "alien element" will have to adapt to the charter and rules, to which it is previously unaccustomed. And the "owners" have to get used to it.
Naturally, such a process can not pass painlessly for both parties, it can not leave indifferent and link their link. Rather, it is this "link" that gets the hardest: linking equally the roads, but strangers to each other.
What conflicts arise and how are they resolved by modern families? How do the current mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, sons-in-law and mother-in-law get on with each other, in the old days, giving rise to a lot of dramatic and comic stories?
Once a letter came to the office of an old woman. She talked about the misfortune that befell her family: the most expensive person for her, the only son, died. And his wife, a young widow, stayed with the baby in her arms. What did the mother of the mother who had suffered an irreparable loss ask? Help to arrange the family life of his daughter-in-law, a sweet, kind, educated, but very shy Galochka, who has been a recluse for several years now. And the years pass."She needs a husband, a granddaughter a father, without that they will not have happiness, but I have peace."
The mother-in-law appeals to the "dating service", if she is already formed, to find a subtle, delicate way to bring out the checkmark "to people", to an interesting circle of possible partners or to inform her( mother-in-law) the addresses of those who could become a candidate for the hand andgood heart of the daughter-in-law.
Usually we praise selflessness, unselfishness of mothers.
And this act in whose register of merit to bring? Mother or mother-in-law? Are they separable in this case?
But, unfortunately, such mothers in our lives are not so often. Is it accidental that about the mother-in-law the whole "serials" of funny jokes are composed and the songs are sung, but nothing about the mother-in-law. No harmless joke-joke. But how much fear, hatred, bile and poison in the songs and ditties. The lack of folklore, the literary images are gloomy( in Dahl, sayings about her are another lyuta).Is it really so unfair for people to talk, ready to understand and forgive?
Let's try to understand how the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law develops in a modern family. The style of relations between members of a modern family is greatly influenced by the level of education. And he has grown considerably both in his father-in-law and in his daughters-in-law. An understanding of the motives of the behavior of people close and distant comes. To the mother-in-law gradually comes the consciousness that their discontent with daughter-in-law is not always caused by the shortcomings of the youngest woman, rather the general properties of the female psyche.
A purely objective reason contributes to the softening of morals: mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are increasingly living apart and do not depend on each other financially. Most of the newlyweds who live with the elders settle with their parents. Agree that under such a situation, there is much less reason for mutual displeasure between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
But in previous times, despite all the hardships and hardships of life, there were many families in which they only laughed at the sayings that the eldest of women blackened. It used to happen that she could not pronounce the word "mother-in-law" in such a house, and she could not pronounce the word "mother-in-law" in such a way, it seemed to her as squeaky and clumsy, unrighteous, "mother", and then "grandmother", and no difference was made: whose mother was her husband orown.
In modern families, the mother-in-law is rarely called "mother", more by name and patronymic. But this does not affect their deep relationships. On the contrary, they become noticeably softer, more delicate. Often mother-in-law and daughter-in-law find a touching unity, like the one that was established between the heroines of the comedy P. Beaumarchais "The Marriage of Figaro".Freshly-baked mother-in-law, Marcelina, rushes to help the daughter-in-law, Suzanne, in her rascals with the count and her husband, thus characterizing her young friend Figaro: "She is such a lovely creature! Ah, when personal interests do not arm us, women, against each other, we are all one, ready to defend our poor, oppressed sex from the proud, terrible. ..( with laughter) and at the same time the short-sighted men. "
And yet, the very fact that only 1/3 of newlyweds lives with the mother of her husband, is pretty meaningful. Hence, the young family of the wife's mother lives better than that of her husband's mother. Both are mothers, both want happiness for their children, or they understand this happiness in different ways, or there are less points of contact and reasons for irritation at the mother-in-law with the son-in-law than two women in one kitchen. Well, and if both these posts converge in one person? How then does mother-in-law react to the behavior of her newly-born relatives?
I will bring such an ordinary bike. Old friends are talking. One tells another about the life of their children. My daughter was lucky in marriage. The son-in-law was attentive, caring, hardworking. A young wife does not have time to shake off her eyelashes, and he has already run to the bakery, he has cooked his breakfast, he has cooked the coffee - everything is in time and he knows how. But then my son was not lucky - so unlucky! His wife was lazy, arrogant. In the morning he does not deign to get up, his son will cook breakfast. He, poor, has to warm his own food to himself, or even goes hungry to work. Her with the bells can not be awakened.
In this parable, probably, the peculiarity of the maternal psyche is expressed: it is completely different to evaluate the same situation. What's good for your child, it's generally good, even if someone is not very comfortable and nice. Anything that, even in a small way, infringes the interests of my child, must be rejected and condemned, even if it is just.
Maybe the relationship of two women, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, sometimes does not add up because the older woman's eyes are clouded with love for her son and they do not look sick at the young woman? Emotions that are not regulated by common sense, tolerance, can make a lot of trouble. Here are a few examples.
. .. The son got married without asking his mother what hurt her badly. But her mother took vexation on her young wife. She did not want to endure the vain, she managed to get away from her parents in another city. Then, for four decades, neither the mother-in-law in the daughter-in-law's house, nor the one to her-not a foot! Forty years of war at a distance into which children, grandchildren, and distant relatives were dragged. And they were not tired, they did not conclude a truce even in the years of the Joint Losses.
There would be no need to give a similar example, if it were not possible to extract "a hint from it, as from a fairy tale, a lesson to good fellows".It is very important that the husband cleverly and tactfully introduced a young wife into the house, did not make her guilty in the eyes of her own mother without guilt. It is necessary to be able to arrange their relatives to a future daughter-in-law, without causing maternal jealousy. Sly? Undoubtedly, but in fact it's worth it: will the world and the mood in its own house.
The case is different. The son has just released his mustache-a poke, and my mother is already in anguish and despair: just about will appear on the horizon "she", razluchnitsa-the kidnapper of her happiness, her well-being. As one acquaintance, a fully educated woman, admitted at one thought, her breath was interrupted, a lump rolled up to her throat. When the "she" appeared, there were tears, tantrums, there were also attempts to restrain, from which nothing worthwhile came to pass, and even worse: everyone felt like "villains" to whom the mother's heart was sacrificed. The son could not stand it, insisted on traveling, deserving for this accusation of betrayal.
It seems to me that in this case the mother-in-law of the mother-in-law is inferior to the proprietary one. Then, and there is reckless jealousy, so many tears vygorgshaya from nevestki eye. Sometimes a young husband, who has absorbed his mother's milk with the habit of obedience and respect for the parent, does not want to delve into the causes and causes of the strife between the two women and takes one position - my mother. As a rule, nothing good comes out of such one-sidedness, but a divorce or a deaf, feuding in scandals with his own wife is coming out.
- And where is my place really?- asked somehow this kind of unsettled husband and son. - Should I burst between them? All their passion is spent on each other, no strength, no time, no heart for me.
It seems that in such circumstances it is better to leave and reduce communication to the minimum. In such competitions, there will certainly be no winners. Whose power can overcome, the family and happiness of all participants of the "tournament" will suffer. Whether the son will return to his mother at her full disposal, he will not forget and will not forgive her a break with his wife, especially if there are children left without him. The wife of her husband will scare her away from her mother, it will not pass her away for nothing. In fact, she will set an example of a disrespectful attitude to the mother of her children. How he will respond on it herself in the near future, you can easily imagine.
Often, his wife hopes to re-educate her husband. But for this it requires a maximum of foresight and pedagogical tact. And where is the young woman to take foresight and pedagogical art? Then she starts to stumble. Trying to weaken the influence of the mother, she blames her husband: "This is from your mother of such character, such manners!" And he does not understand that he achieves the opposite result. Instead of understanding and accepting her right, the husband dismisses the remarks. And it is not surprising: it is easier for a person to justify his shortcomings, especially congenital, habitual, becoming nature, than resolutely change himself. From these considerations, he tries to justify the one that created him so that she herself possesses the same qualities.
Even the most just claims of a young woman should be mitigated by the consciousness that before her mother and her son!
Love for mother, any good or bad, is one of the true human values. Who, if not a woman, cherish this feeling.
- Well, the love of the mother is a sacred feeling, but why only to own? After all, I am also a mother, but already his children.
So, one needs to be worshiped, and on the other, one can not ignore it, not stand on ceremony?
This is the leitmotif of many conversations of the wounded daughter-in-law. And here there is a logic. Solve such a problem can only object of rivalry, son and husband.
They say that there is such a custom in Georgia. A man, bringing a young wife into the house, accompanies her appearance with a special instruction. He says to the mother: "This is my wife, I chose her. And if you love me, you will accept her as a daughter. But if you offend her, you are not my mother. "And to his wife he says: "Here is my mother. I love her, and you be her daughter. But if you offend her, you are not my wife. "I am sure, and in other regions there are many examples of cases of conflict-free co-existence of two women. Yes, actually, with this example, and this conversation was started.
Not every man and not always like the sincere unity of two women. Another of the husbands, as a rule, is not very morally persistent, it is more advantageous to confront the mother and wife: each tries to appease him, to fulfill whims, indulging his weaknesses. And if women unite, they often take such a husband in a pedagogical vice and try to improve and ennoble. It is pleasant to him or not, but for the sake of justice it is necessary to recognize: for the moral and physical health of men, the friendship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is beneficial. And in the whole house the atmosphere is changing, when the mistresses are well-disposed, smiling, cheerful. For grandchildren, a good agreement between mother and grandmother that sunlight, a "biostimulator of soul growth."Their hearts will blow a shadow of rivalry, they will not cool down, they will not chill the coldness of relations between the most beloved people.
It is very useful to take the principle of the so-called lawyers "presumption of innocence".Seeing that another woman is doing something wrong, does not say anything, try to inspire herself: it's not her fault! She was born in another family, at another time, brought up with other habits. It is not my mother-in-law's fault that I can not change my tastes and habits, because the years have solidified, cemented the character. It is not my daughter-in-law's fault that she is young, inexperienced, slow-moving, making many mistakes.
It is very useful to remember the age and habits of another person. It is best to look for one another's actions and words, not blunders and shortcomings, but explanations and arguments in favor of each other.
. .. But is it right to shoulder the burden of two women? After all, any family role can not be played alone - it's a collective role. The whole environment participates in the relationship: the father-in-law and other relatives who either do not resist the passions, or calm them down and help the young woman to enter the family circle, to become a desirable, equal member of her.
Here the power and authority of a father-in-law is great. He is usually more friendly to the son's wife and at the same time has a great influence on his own spouse. And it's not that he often takes on the duties of an "arbitrator".Rather, he knows how to be a lightning rod, jarring sharpness, trying to defuse clouds of mutual discontent;
By analogy with the relations of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it would be fair to see what two members of a family of different ages, but of the same sex, father-in-law and son-in-law appear in the eyes of each other and the closest associates. But here the analogy does not work. Although it seems that the prerequisites for complex collisions in life together are the same as in relations between two women.
A young spouse who has settled in his wife's house, but this situation is primarily interesting, since it is the most common today that makes the older ones squabble. This is in the first place. And secondly, economically, he too is dependent on his father-in-law, still the main breadwinner in many families. Marriages between us are concluded between young people who often do not have a strong material base. And while the clashes between men - a fairly rare phenomenon. Though it is noticed: often the father to the daughter concerns more tenderly, than to the son, prikipaet to her heart. And like it should feel burning zeal for an outsider who "tears off a flower", grown by his care and affection.
The reason for this lack of conflict, in my opinion, is that both often do not have a home of serious business, occupation. And household trivia: buy furniture of such a configuration or another, put a cabinet in the corner or at the wall, fry or stew vegetables. .. and other and other, do not affect the blood interests, do not cause fundamental objections, and therefore, opposition. Moreover, most often the decision is made and the plan is executed without their active participation, with two advisory votes.
On what, on what grounds do the hostile relations between people of different sexes, different ages, different spheres of home influence arise between the mother-in-law and the son-in-law?
It must be acknowledged that the inappropriateness of the son-in-law to family life often plays a decisive role in relations between these members of the family.
What is a sin to hide, future husbands are now often brought up in hothouse conditions, afraid of overloading their independent lives. And, becoming sons-in-law, they can not understand: what do their parents want from him? His own parent never blamed him for not being involved in domestic cares, on the contrary, in every possible way protected him from them. It means that this is a parental duty, not a favor, for which you should especially thank another woman, the mother of the wife. And if a young wife, that is, a daughter, is not prepared to overcome deprivation and adversity, then the union of two single, two "takers" under the wing of one mother is fraught with trouble for all members of the family.
Complications are caused by the son-in-law's predilection for alcohol. Statistics argue that most of the divorces now occur on the initiative of women, whose husbands discover this weakness. And their mothers, of course, support the decision of their daughters. Honestly, if a young man appears in a family of a wife already infected with this disease, it is difficult for him to expect a good relationship. In a new family, everyone understands what kind of inevitable misfortune this person and their daughters, and her offspring are borne.
Quite a different matter when the son-in-law reached for wine after he had changed his bachelor life. It does not prevent both my mother and daughter from thinking about the reason for the addiction. Yes, look back: did they push him to the glass? After all, it happens that the son-in-law feels uncompetitive, not only because of the unsettledness in the new family, but, on the contrary, because of the desire of new relatives to please him, to free him from his labors and worries. There is no young man his business in the house, no responsibility, no debt, no employment. And, as you know, idleness is the mother of all vices.
Here and there is a contradiction: the mother-in-law loads the son-in-law with all sorts of domestic works and worries, can offend him, irritate him and his daughter. Relieves of all worries - opens a vessel with all kinds of vices. Reasonable measure, apparently, and in this case should become the main judge and adviser.
In what situation does the peace and harmony between new relatives persist for years to come? Yes, there are many ways and methods to achieve goodwill on both sides, when there is a mutual desire. I witnessed the painless relationship of these two members of the family. Although the son-in-law was, frankly, not a gift. His father-in-law before registering his daughter other than "walk around", and did not call. And my mother-in-law washed her tears at the wedding. However, the next day it was said how it was cut off: the thing has become, now we are one family, means to notice everything and say what is good. Not a word - for evil. And withstood the promised. Sometimes the daughter was angry with her mother:
- Why do not you intervene, you will not threaten, but you just iron it all over the fur? And your mother-in-law for him, and you, your own mother, too. And I - alone, without support and support, seemingly to blame.
- You're a fool, - it used to be, the mother used to laugh, - You're my daughter. Well, I got a little angry, my heart left me. Where can you get away from me? And he will remember and peretolkuet every my careless word. Then he'll turn you off from me and close the door in front of me. Who will be good at this? To you, him, me, your son? So think! Family life is the school of diplomacy and subtle politics. And you: "just and unjust."If there was a single and indivisible justice, then it did not go anywhere, but then, what is reasonable for you and me, for men is not at all. And vice versa. And in time, much is changing for us: tomorrow, maybe we will understand and support ourselves that we do not want to take into account today.
It is necessary to pay homage to the son-in-law: "we shall walk" by his youth, and not by nature. I managed to understand and appreciate the position of my wife's parents, to adopt their style: nothing is evil for each other. And everything done for his family by the elders, he accepted with sincere gratitude, did not reproach for the refusal of help, if such happened. And now, when the father-in-law and mother-in-law are no longer alive, the memory of them in this house is the most kind and unchanging.
. .. Mother-in-law - the world into the house. She, you see, prints ads in the newspaper, moves from a comfortable and familiar apartment to worse conditions, if only closer to children and grandchildren. She before leaving the force and hunting, leaves the service to retire. You saw a crowd of patient and yet not old women in the locker rooms of ordinary and music schools, stagnant in the stadiums, waiting for the lovely grandchildren to come running in. In the summer, at the dacha, they live for months, divorced from their own affairs, often abandoning their husbands.
What are they waiting for and demanding from their sons-in-law? Attention and sensitivity first. And also sympathy for the unrest of the restless mother's heart. Attention to them - balm, gratitude and delicacy - is the best reward. And how can the mother-in-law win the favor of the son-in-law? Help, if he can and wants, daughter to become an independent hostess in his family, work to strengthen their union.
Here is a picture similar to the one that develops in the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, with the difference that two women often need to look back at each other's age, and the mother-in-law with the son-in-law - on the floor. He does not forget that the mother-in-law is a woman, and she, in turn, that he is a man, albeit young, inexperienced, but with certain ideas about his own dignity.
As you can see, these are not such difficult and impossible conditions.
Does the young wife enter the family of her husband's parents, does the man grow into a strange way of life? None of them can avoid the stage of grinding the characters, overcoming the difference in habits, tastes and interests. But is it so rare for us to go through such trials to make a universal drama out of this? How many times during even the young years a person changes the usual team to a new one? He goes from one school to another, from it - to a school, technical school, university or comes to work. And there are frequent movements. And everywhere you have to adapt( simply put, to adapt) to unfamiliar conditions and people. In most cases, you can find a common language.
All this experience, various techniques that help to relieve tension in relations with classmates and colleagues, can be transferred to a foothold of relations with new relatives. And those who have managed and have mastered the rules and norms of a culture of communication will overcome this line with greater ease than "untrained", and will acquire in the person of other people's strangers "blood co-workers."And this, believe me, is a very valuable acquisition.