Family-marriage and family relations

A great connoisseur of the human and psychology of the relations of A.Morua people very aptly and figuratively expressed the difficulties of the interpersonal relations of the spouses: the two ship's neighbors are swinging on the waves, their sides collide and creak. Indeed, it is not easy to achieve consent in married life. The most important period in the life of spouses can rightfully be considered the initial, when the newlyweds face the first non-loving, intimate and pleasant problems, and family-household. The period of grinding characters, views on life, family life is a very difficult stage in the relationship, causing ups and downs of the young people's moods. Saturated with the most controversial experiences, this moment of conjugal life is often remembered for life and reflects on the fate of the family. Each of the partners not only opens the world of the other, but also discovers something not previously seen in itself.

It is known that the basis of the relationship of love is the feeling of love - the highest degree of an emotionally positive attitude of a person to a person. There is also an exclusive selectivity in choosing a partner in the relationship of love, often leading to the singularity or even the absence of this kind of relationship in the life of an individual. However, neither the criteria for choosing a partner, nor the laws of the feeling of love, nor the content of the relationship of love has yet received adequate scientific illumination.

The intensity of the relationship of love, their depth are explained by the total involvement of partners in these relationships. Since they normally connect two different-sex partners, they observe the maximum, all-round contact of a person with a person: not only mental, but also physical.

There are reasons to assume that the relationship of love fulfills the function of replenishing the personality, completing the individuality to its ideal integrity. The replenishment function makes the relationship of love fundamentally different from all kinds of interpersonal relationships. All other relationships contribute to the development and functioning of individual aspects of the personality. In the relationship of love, the individuality, singularity, uniqueness of partners not only receives confirmation, but also the subsequent withdrawal, so that partners through dissimilarity can discover the universality of human nature.

The manifestation of the relationship of love can be considered care, responsibility, sacrifice, selfless devotion, loyalty to the partner. If the relationship of love is the ideal type of relationship to which a person seeks, then the relationships of love and love relationships can be considered intermediate forms. Love as a special relationship is characterized by short-term and easy transition to other relationships: friendly, conjugal, etc. Love relations are built as a form of satisfying the emotional and sexual needs of partners and are also able to move into other types of relationships.

But sooner or later in the marriage life a new stage arises. The honeymoon passed, the feelings subsided, it seems that everything is already known about each other( many think so, but it is mistaken).The severity of this marital crisis is different: some have a larger one, others have a smaller one. In some spouses, addiction and even indifference to each other appear after the first years of living together, in others - after several months. This period may be even more responsible than the first, when the adaptation of the spouses to each other took place. The reasons complicating the relationship at this stage are many. One of them is that each begins to consider the other part of himself, ceases to allocate it from the general background of living conditions.

When the young people met, they tried to be better: tidier, more beautiful, more attentive and more careful to each other.

But, some time after the wedding, the husband discovers that his wife is not combed, her face is covered with some sticky mask, and instead of a beautiful dress she wears a worn robe, worn slippers on her feet. However, about the same can be said about husbands who forgot about regular shaving and a fresh shirt. The husband goes out into the street, comes to work and - about a miracle!- What a freshness it smelled! What warmth and light on him! And where do these women come from? Slender, elegant, and, imagine, combed! This husband does not even think about the fact that he simply did not witness all the procedures associated with the appearance of such beauty. The wife of this husband, appearing on the street, will also cause admiring glances. Of course, those men, for whom she simply "another's wife."And what if we tried not to be at home always so "carelessly"?

The value in the family life of our appearance, neatness, conscious saving of warmth and trembling of the first feelings is really great. But there are more serious and not so obvious factors of marital consent, which we will talk about.

Of particular importance for family harmony, the relationship is matrimonial compatibility. Compatibility is such an effect of people's communication that is characterized by the maximum possible satisfaction of relations, a sense of unity, the integrity of the couple( which is expressed in a sense of similarity, similarity, identity).For spouses, communication is not only a means of solving family and domestic issues, but also an end in itself - as "communication for the sake of communication."Loving man and woman often talk about all kinds of little things, the content of the conversation is of secondary importance for them. Both experience only the desire to be together, to feel the presence of each other. Matrimonial relations are built not only on the basis of love feelings. For the most part, a purely emotional connection turns into a friendly relationship, which is quite natural. Moreover, marriages often arise on the basis of simply friendly relations, mutual sympathy. The transition of a love relationship into an emotionally-confessional is entirely natural. Moreover, if we do not take exceptions from the rules, then it turns out that an emotionally-confessional relationship with emotional support, spiritual affinity, gives a greater percentage of strong married couples. This, however, does not remove the problem of the ideal of love. But still, love is love, and life and everyday problems force you to sink to the ground. And here, unprepared for the tests, the newlyweds are facing serious difficulties. The most disguised danger is a complete switch from an emotionally-confessional form of relations to a utilitarian-business one, when each of the spouses closes in the role of a husband or wife( father or mother) and no longer puts his soul into the relationship with the life companion.

Matrimonial relations arise as a result of the official registration of the relationship of love, at least in the norm. This is confirmed by the modern statistics of motives for marriage. Under matrimony as a form of interpersonal relationships, we mean a set of socially regulated relationships between marriage partners. In countries with a monogamous form of marriage, only two partners are included in marital relations, a man and a woman, and their relations are supposed to be life-long, although this is not always the case. Marriage is a part of family relations, therefore, in terms of content, functions, methods of regulation, they differ significantly from the relationship of love. From the point of view of society, the function of marriage is to ensure public control over the reproduction of the population and sexual behavior. From the standpoint of the individual, marriage is an interpersonal relationship that allows satisfying the need for emotional attachment, individual sexual love, the need for procreation, organization of life and leisure, moral and emotional support. Therefore, there are reasons to consider the economic-domestic emotional-sexual psychological and parental union of men and women. And the significance of marriage is not that only within its framework is it possible to meet these needs - they can be satisfied outside of marriage. The importance of marriage is that it organizes, stabilizes, socially authorizes the satisfaction of these needs. Historical transformations of marriage, in particular, are expressed in changing the emphasis on certain functions of marriage. So, for modern matrimony, the satisfaction of the partners' psychological needs is most important: needs for attachment, love, support, emotional-sexual communication.

Polyfunctionality of matrimonial relations requires a comprehensive inclusion of the individual, creates prerequisites for high selectivity in the choice of a partner, gives the marital relationship an exceptional depth and intimacy.

Spouses' coexistence is often facilitated by compensating incompatibilities in one area - the other, in which there is compatibility. As already mentioned, there are several functions of family-marriage relations. Incompatibility in the household sphere( the area of ​​physical comfort) can be compensated for by sexual compatibility. At a young age, this happens most often when the newlyweds are so fit together in erotic games, in sexual intercourse, that there is a strong "fixation" on the importance of this particular sphere of life together. Other spheres make themselves felt later, and then a discord in the relationship is possible. Absence of children and dissatisfaction with childbearing and educational functions, spiritual disunity, economic and household disorder can destroy an alliance based only on sexual compatibility.

Consciously or not, we have two aspirations: to communicate with other people and detach from them, regardless of likes and dislikes. Communication saturates us with knowledge about the world of things and phenomena, about other people, about ourselves. It gives a discharge to emotional tension and charges spiritual energy. Finally, communication actualizes the inner world, contributes to its awareness, clarifies the idea of ​​yourself. In communication, a person self-affirms himself, his life positions, ideas about the world. He informs the other, he charges with feelings. Because communication is a mutual process of exchange of thoughts and feelings, the flow of information and feelings requires the mutual activity of people. The cumulative subject and the cumulative fund of thoughts and feelings are formed, which connects the partners in communication, giving everyone at the same time the rights and duties.

No matter how great the need for communication, it is sooner or later satisfied. In communication, we run out as a source of information and feelings. Someone one will lose interest to another one a little earlier, which depends on the conditions, the depth of communication, the degree of disclosure of the inner world to each other. And even with significant spiritual wealth, a limit comes, it requires isolation for a kind of "feeding" of thoughts and feelings. And this is not necessarily isolation in general and from all. Communication continues, but with other people. Our uniqueness and uniqueness is the source of the novelty of communication. Monotony, the fame of thoughts and feelings make communication uninteresting and the couple gets bored.

Often in the lectures and consultations they ask: "Why, when we were little acquainted with the husband( wife), we were interested in each other? Why then it became boring? "In response, as a rule, the question is:" How much time do you spend together, do self-education, do you go to theater, cinema? "And it turns out that very little. A relationship can be interesting if there is an object for communication: the events of life or art, when everyone himself is eager to learn something new and to contribute to communication. Often you hear: "It seizes the life, the vanity of everyday everyday concerns;there is no time for something serious to think about and really talk. "In all this, only we are guilty and none other. It's trite to talk about the diversity that the world around us represents. You have to be able to see, hear and tell about it. And this means, we must work on ourselves, our development."The paradox of close relations" is that we often seek to reduce the distance in a relationship for better mutual understanding, warmth, so necessary in personal life. At the same time, proximity can significantly complicate relations and even destroy them. In close relations the inner world of each other, its secret corners, in which what we and ourselves do not always fully report is hidden, is more deeply understood. Why intimate is easier to tell an unknown companion on the road? Yes, because there is a guarantee of secrecy, the absence of consequences.

Here, in particular, why the marital relationship is also & lt;sheath. In them, each of the partners appears in different situations and reveals not only strong, but also weak points. Especially if work outside the home requires a lot of stress and the spouse or husband, of course, seek rest, are not ashamed to discover their weaknesses.

Married, family relationships are not a frozen river without traffic. Spouses grow up, take up professions, change their position in the work collective and in society, change the economic opportunities of the family, etc., etc. And each time with these or those "turns of fate" new tasks arise that need to be solved jointly.

Often at lectures the following question is asked: "And what is necessary for optimal compatibility?" There are no universal recipes for all occasions, especially so many of them on the life path. Rather, we should talk about contraindications, which obviously complicate the relationship. And then, the "sum" of variables is extremely large and the "specific weight" of each of the factors that will facilitate or hinder joint life is different. More than half of all cases faced by researchers and practitioners are related to "lack of mutual understanding."This is said in the divorce of the spouse, the same reason explains the conflicts in production. Let's remember what our reaction to the partner's replies is when he says:

"I do not understand you, what are you talking about?" And if this is repeatedly? And yet, what's good, constantly, in any communication? Strange situation? What it can lead to - it is not difficult to imagine, of course, antipathy. For compatibility and harmony of people, mutual understanding is of great importance. This is a kind of "consonance" "intellectual unison," as one musician said. Mutual understanding presupposes not only a correct perception of the qualities of a partner's personality, his queries, values, habits, but also the possibility of predicting behavior, opinions, and assessments. Of course, if a person is, as they say, read a book, then interest in it fades. But for the reliability of our relations a certain level of mutual understanding is preferable. Guarantee of relations is a peculiar element of their strength.

At the Leningrad studio of television once a program about young people was filmed. The editor and director decided to demonstrate the effect of psychological counseling. The psychologist conducted testing of character characteristics of the newlyweds and then acquainted them with the results. At the time of testing, the young man very reluctantly filled the questionnaire, referring to the fact that the parents will deal with them, if necessary. After some time he was consulted and he "gave a whole tirade": "I did not think that Ira had a completely different character. I know her longer than you. You only have a questionnaire, and you said you have a lot more different things about it than I've seen before. Maybe because he looked at her with enamored eyes. Or in the questionnaire, such situations are given, for the verification of which years of joint life are required. One or two hours, and so much knowledge about each other. And we have to live together more than one day. "

In order to facilitate the process of mutual understanding and the subsequent "grinding of the characters", psychologists have developed special gaming methods of active communication for newlyweds experiencing difficulties in relations. Difficulties can arise on any occasion, in the first year - most often with respect to housekeeping. The theme for the five couples of the newlyweds of the first year of living together is proposed. Here, "actors"( one pair) and spectators, four other pairs are constantly changing.

One pair of the reason for the quarrel is this: "What for and why did you spend that much money?" The couple are offered paper and a pencil."The Defendant," we call so conditionally a young woman, writes on paper, on what the money is spent. Then the initiator of the conflict is asked to write what you need to spend money on.

The main thing in this situation - without the emotions all put on the shelves, as a result to find out the general idea of ​​the family economy. At the first meeting with the psychologist in all pairs, there was a "continuous confusion".The discussion included everything, it lasted 3.5 hours. At the next meeting, the newlyweds came happy because they understood this question. A new topic was brought by another couple: "Vasya, why did you come so late, I cooked such a delicious dinner? !" The young husband apologized, quite sincerely explaining the reason: "I had a meeting, next time I will warn about it in advance."

The main thing is that every meeting of married couples ends with morality, as in the fables of I. Krylov, and that it be accepted unanimously. From the meeting to the meeting the topics for discussion were exhausted, the newlyweds lost interest in the meetings, but everyone recognized the usefulness of such discussions. Family-role discussions distinguish and accelerate the development of the culture of relations. Attitudes viewers - actors make participants be correct in assessments and expressions. The psychologist and his authority require serious attitude to problems and ways of conducting discussions.

In general, such discussions can strengthen relations by removing immediate antipathies reaching extreme values. This does not exclude and will never exclude the difficult moments of living together, but some management skills are unlikely to hurt. In addition to discussions, technical games can be used, but not competitive, but requiring cooperation, joint efforts to achieve a common goal.

In one of our studies, we invited couples to an experiment, where they solved various tasks that require coordination of actions. For example, the following task was posed: "You have to move the engine along the labyrinth together using special manipulators. Try to move it so that it does not slip off the track of the labyrinth. Success depends on your ability to coordinate actions. "Some pairs had a clear distribution of functions like "leader-slave".Husbands in most cases acted as leaders, that is, they gave directions, advice, and kept themselves more confident. But sometimes it turned out that a modest wife, "indulging her husband," the first one found the solution to the problem. In this type of couple, both spouses were satisfied with the joint results and relationships, which indicates good compatibility. The husband was pleased that his wife obeyed him, especially since everything was happening "in public", in the presence of the experimenter. He somewhat patronizingly agreed with her suggestions on the course of solving problems. His wife was pleased that she still solved the problem, outwardly obeying the instructions of her husband. She did it so subtly and skillfully that her husband did not notice any infringement of the authority of the "head of the family".And indeed, what is bad here, if both are satisfied with the outcome of the case?

The nature of the spouses' behavior in solving problems depended on the experience of living together. Recently married people did not always work successfully: there was uncertainty, they often conceded to each other, but this did not lead to success. Married couples with long experience worked more in concert. Five years ago, in one of our experiments, a couple participated, which showed extremely high success. However, it was not possible to record the emotional involvement in joint activities. Four years later, the couple broke up. Separate conversation with the spouses showed that at that time their relationship was similar to indifference, that is, compatibility in the pair was replaced by harmony - the coordination of actions without emotional experiences. Thus, if the newlyweds are just looking for a relationship, "get used to each other", are looking for options for consent in family relationships, then a married couple with experience, having reached some critical level of getting used to each other, can act well and smoothly,.

For a married life is bad, if for any reason there are disputes that reveal incompatibility, but not better, and the option of addiction and indifference to each other. This position is confirmed by the practical work of the American psychologist Ravich. He invited spouses who submitted for divorce, and suggested that they "play together for the last time."He said that they will be dissolved independently of these experiments, but the game will help to understand the essence of the conflict, the reasons for incompatibility. Naturally, those couples who called the cause of divorce "incompatibility of characters" were invited. The meaning of the game was as follows: the couple sat at a large table and had to each hold their toy train from one end of the railway to the other. Railways in some places intersected, and the spouses could not complete the assignment without coordinating their routes. This resembles those life situations where the spouses can satisfy their own desires, only by coordinating them with the wishes of the partner.

Ravich's assignments were complicated by the fact that the couple could see each other, talk, but did not see what was happening on the partner's railway. In this game, the spouses suddenly found differences in their experiences, behavior. What was present in their relationship also manifested itself in the game. Some couples could not agree on joint actions for a long time, but showed great interest in the game, tried to find a compromise solution. Others showed violent conflicts, they accused each other of selfishness, of wanting to get their own, regardless of their partner. These couples left Ravich's office without finding a solution, their trains collided, crashed. But most importantly, they thought about the fact that you can not live together, not yielding to each other. Another type of pairs was characterized by indifference to the solution;partners did not even try to find it, they were indifferent to the game and to each other. As further psychotherapeutic work showed, the last type of married couples is the most hopeless( 80% of divorces).Between such spouses, the bridge of emotional contact is destroyed, and without it a common life is meaningless. The first type of steam eventually refused to divorce. They found the strength to find out the relationship, to understand each other. In this case, non-indifference-the state of tension, anxiety, and the expenditure of neuro-emotional energy-demonstrated the hidden compatibility of the spouses. In the productive activity of crews and crews, the success of operations is important with minimal effort. In marital relations, disastrous indifference, indifference.

To confirm the importance of empathy in conjugal relationships, we designed a "for two" device. Like on a cybermeter, the pair must together run the engine through the labyrinth. A screen is put between partners and communication is forbidden. Errors were not only fixed by the device, they had to "pay off" for them. If the spouse was mistaken - a strong sound in the headphones was "received" by the spouse. And vice versa. Subjects saw that punishment was given to another. It was important to record empathy or lack of empathy.

As a result, it was found that the spouses with a good relationship more empathized with each other than with bad relationships. Moreover, on other pairs - friendly, friendly, friendly - it was possible to identify the difference between compatibility and harmony. Compatible couples( married and friendly) more empathized with each other than worked pairs( workmates).

Thus, for compatibility, a high level of mutual empathy is required, which is accompanied by emotional and energy costs. Harmony should not be accompanied by strong empathy, they can be minimal. Here, it is more important that partners have skills and abilities. The couple knew what kind of experiment they were going to. Therefore, the questions "we are approaching each other or not," "we are compatible or not," they already asked themselves and responded to it. And the experiment only recorded their relationship to each other in the form of compatibility-incompatibility, harmony-inefficiency.

Among the factors influencing matrimonial harmony, the conformity of family, life, cultural, aesthetic, moral values ​​of spouses is of particular importance. Thus, each of the spouses has his own idea of ​​the purpose of the marriage: household consumption and services, sexual interaction, providing sexual satisfaction, psychotherapeutic interaction, providing emotional and moral support, organizing leisure and creating an environment for the development and self-realization of the individual, birth and upbringingchildren.(The coincidence or inconsistency of the views of the spouses about the goals of their marriage significantly determines the degree of its stability, well-being.) On acquaintance, young people somehow find out the views of the chosen one on this issue, but most often the brightness and strength of the initial feelings disguise and even distort our true values ​​and views. We strive to look more interesting, nobler, try to please each other and unwittingly embellish our true positions and life aspirations. Often we find agreement on such a questionm, which previously would not have agreed with someone else.

In addition to agreement on the goals of the marriage, in family life, it is important that there is a convergence of views on role-playing behavior and role expectations. Everyone has his own image of the husband, man, father, wife, woman, mother. After all, family life is built on the distribution of responsibilities: someone must buy food, prepare dinner, take children from kindergarten, wash floors and dishes. And it is necessary to distribute according to the desires, with the capabilities of each spouse, so that their execution does not seem to be a grave punishment. About 50-70 years ago everything was easier. The man, the husband, the father provided material well-being to the family, this was its main family function. Woman, wife, mother gave birth and brought up children, organized the whole life. Now, with the economic and legal equality of men and women, it is necessary to reassess and distribute family responsibilities and roles in a new way. For the existing equality of women to be real, it is necessary to take into account that it is the nucleus of a new family and simultaneously performs extra-family functions( work, social activity).Often a woman is burdened with a double load: she works at home as much as before, and works in production. And which of these works is harder to say is difficult, especially if the family has a small child. Whether men want it or not, they must take on more family responsibilities. In sociological studies, it is noted that the happier and more stable are the families in which husbands help wives in household management.

What are the consequences of the situation when a woman, unbending her back, works from morning till night at work and at home? Roughly speaking, it will break. A man who loves his wife wants to see her beautiful, healthy, cheerful and not worn out by worries. And this requires his constant help and support in everyday life, participation in domestic work. But we should not forget another difficulty: the modern family is built on an arbitrary distribution of responsibilities, nowhere is there a record of the rules by which this happens. Therefore, grinding the spouses in this aspect of the relationship is always individual in each pair. Here it matters which family patterns, the distribution of responsibilities, the spouses brought from their parents' families, which they observed in familiar families. Often, the development of one's own family structure and the distribution of family responsibilities is a long and rather difficult process.(It is not by chance that sociologists distinguish "dissimilarity of characters", a lack of understanding among the main reasons for the dissolution of marriage.)

There was a French film by Andre Kayatta "Married life." Two people separated afterseven years of life together, and each in its own way assesses the cause of the collapse of their relationship. In the first series the narrative is on behalf of the husband, and many viewers have already pronounced a sentence on his wife, accusing her of all the troubles.the viewer discovers all the intricacies of marital relations. While not going into a detailed analysis of the whole film, we note that it refers to the degree of understanding of each other's spouses, the similarity and difference in their values ​​of life, views on what is happening. They are different in Jean-Mark and Francoise, both clearly overestimate their capabilities and qualities and underestimate each other, Jean-Marc, for example, considers himself to be a courageous, optimistic person, striving for success in life. Francoise does not see in him these qualities. Considering himself a more integral personality, Françoise singles out and values ​​in her husband tenderness and kindness - something that he does not note in himself. Despite all the contradictory relationships and perceptions of themselves and their spouses, they retain mutual feelings for each other and come to mutual understanding.

Studies show that interpersonal attraction( liking, attraction) and unattractiveness( antipathy, repulsion) distort the image of the partner. In an attractive person for us, we overestimate, and often just attribute positive qualities to it and underestimate it, obscure shortcomings and negative properties.

It is known that love forgives everything. Accordingly, in a person unattractive to us, the perception works in the opposite direction: we see in it much more bad than there is in reality, we do not notice good qualities. To understand each other and properly evaluate, it takes time.

To create a stable, reliable family-marriage relationship, the first marriage is important. As noted by foreign and Soviet researchers, this applies more to men. After an unsuccessful first marriage, the probability of creating a happy family is small. For a woman, he is a good lesson. She successfully uses the experience in a new marriage, and her stability becomes higher.

In Gogol's "Marriage" Agafya Tikhonovna, trying to choose her fiancé of four contenders, is in a quandary. Every applicant for her hand and heart has advantages and disadvantages. If they were to be united into one, one would be the one that Agafya Tikhonovna would probably have arranged in all respects. .. "If Nikanor Ivanovich's lips were to stick to Ivan Kuzmich's nose, and take some kind of cheekiness at Balthazarych's, yes, perhaps, to add to this still the dignity of Ivan Pavlovich - I would immediately decided. "It is not difficult to notice that the dignity of the suitors is not identical in weight and significance. If the first two characterize appearance and are more likely to accompany, then among the second merits Agafya Tikhonovna singles out more "essential" qualities of personality - "swagger", "burly".

The dilemma of assessing the identity of the bride or groom is decided by all people. Everyone, evaluating the other, deliberately or unconsciously decides whether he is happy with it, whether they are compatible, harmonious. Along with the similarity in individual traits, the spouses can - and should be - are unlike each other. What does it mean - the similarity or dissimilarity of the characters, and what does this matter for marital consent?

Studies have established that in a happy marriage the spouses have the following traits: emotional stability, agreement with the surrounding people( they rarely conflict in everyday life and at work), they are accommodating, sociable, trusting and sincere enough in their relationships, they are not at ease in expressing their feelings. On the contrary, in unhappy marriages, spouses are emotionally unbalanced, hot-tempered, overly critical of others, seeking to "take over" others, to dominate, they are closed, alienated, suspicious, distrustful of people, to their spouse, constrained in the expression of feelings, feelings, thoughts andplans.

In real life everything is more complicated and the combination of characters is very diverse, but it is quite obvious that the spouses' similarity in terms of dominance, emotional stiffness, criticality, isolation, unbalance will not lead to harmony of relations. In our laboratory, studies of spouses were conducted. It turned out that a positive forecast of marriage is possible if the spouses are similar in such qualities as sociability, trustfulness, independence. In other marriages, husbands are usually the head of the family( dominate in the relationship), but if their dominance over the wife is too great, it leads to conflict and imbalance. It is recognized that in any case, the distribution of functions between partners is necessary. In marital relations this is especially important. The most unfavorable option is when both spouses want to command on all issues of family life, and no one wants to be a subordinate person.

Some social psychologists claim that families with a democratic relationship structure - a uniform and fair distribution of family "power" in different spheres - are happier and more stable. In the studies of E. Bogardus, three types of families are distinguished: power belongs to a man( 35% of families), power belongs to a woman( 28% of families) and the power is divided evenly between husband and wife( 37% of families).According to researchers, among the first type of families where the power belongs to the husband, 61% are happy families. In the second type of happy families less - 47%.In families with a democratic type of relationship, a happy marriage is noted in 87% of cases. Polish scientist Anthony Kempinsky believes that spouses should have a different need to help or accept the help of another.

Sufficiently extensive results of scientific research require, of course, additions and clarifications, but now it is possible in some respects to predict the success of marriage, to select married couples who will later turn out to be successful. In our laboratory, a preliminary program of selection of marital partners has been developed, which can be used to evaluate existing couples, to clarify the scope of their disharmony. It includes: a special questionnaire that allows you to determine the various socio-psychological characteristics of candidates( education, age, profession, etc.) and their wishes for the same characteristics to the spouse;a questionnaire that allows you to establish ideas about the family structure and distribution of roles in the family, desired for each of the spouses;personal questionnaire, fixing 16 personal qualities essential for compatibility of spouses;instrumental methodology that determines the desire for leadership and domination in relations. Based on the results of these surveys, it is possible to compile a preliminary forecast of the success of the marriage, to select the optimal pair.

In practical psychology, as in medicine, there can not be ready-made and unchanging for all cases of recipes. Each separate case of incompatibility or conflict of people has its own individual cause, unique and unique. The uniqueness of relations primarily relates to the intimate life of the spouses, but also various shades of their feelings, sympathies, antipathies, attachments, tastes, ie, all that characterizes a unique personality. It is considered that there are no identical people on the Earth, but their relations with each other are no less diverse, so that in each new combination of personalities there is also a common one, the same with all, and a single, characteristic only for a given pair of people.

But a married couple is not a family in the full sense of the word. Only with the advent of the child begins the completion of the structure of the family. During this period, there is a breakdown of both the direct relationship of husband and wife, and the emergence of new relationships mediated by the care of the child - the relationship of the mother and father. If earlier the spouses were busy with each other and the world of relations was closed in their pair, now there is the third being involved in the relationship, a helpless being, requiring great attention, caress, caring. Sleepless nights, an uninterrupted flow of washing, feeding, walking - this is the cycle in which young parents get to, and which radically changes their relationship, the whole way of life. But this is only one, the burdensome side of the emergence of a new member of the family.

The other side is connected with the joy of paternity and motherhood, when by the efforts of young parents the child turns into a talking, walking, all understanding being, and the pride, joy of young mothers and dads has no limit. Moreover, the child by the fact of his appearance makes the mother and father, as it were, to re-evaluate the values ​​of life, to deeper understand the meaning of it, to penetrate into the long-forgotten world of childhood, immediacy, purity and innocence of the first perception of the surrounding world.

The child gives an opportunity to return to the passed stages of life, to expand the range of personal and family interests, to enrich and strengthen intra-family ties, to receive a full-blooded emotional satisfaction from participation in the formation of a new human personality. Numerous, studies and facts of everyday life show that the family atmosphere, the relations of parents form positive and negative qualities of the child's personality. But it would be naive to think that a child is a mechanical copy of a mother or father or a mixed set of their features. The child, especially if he is the only one, falls into the complex system of relations of adult people, each of which gives something to him for the development of the personality. A particularly difficult situation arises when the family is big, includes a grandmother and grandfather. And each of the relatives tries to bring up the child in their own way, not in accordance with the opinions and efforts of the others. In this case, especially if the child has a "strong" natural temperament and a base for an independent character, the ward himself is engaged in his upbringing, being unable to reconcile the conflicting demands of others. But if he is immensely loved and pampered, they do not give him the opportunity to "get out of hand," the child chooses the position of a domestic idol, manipulates his mother and father, grandparents and in his own interests. In this case, there is a danger that an excellent egoist who loves only himself will grow up, 11 knows how to reckon with the interests of the people around him and everywhere he chooses the position of the "center of the world".But this child sooner or later will become a husband or wife, father or mother, and he will probably find it difficult to build a harmonious relationship in the family.

We often talk about the problems of adults: divorce, loneliness, alcoholism, neuroses, conflicts, etc. Maybe it makes sense to start from two sides: to solve the problems of adults and children at the same time? It would be nice to establish a broad system of pedagogical education for parents, boys and girls, grandparents - all those who will be involved with the upbringing of the child. Elementary information on psychology, the physiology of childhood, ethics and technology of interpersonal relations is what could become the content of preparation for family life in nurseries, kindergartens, schools, universities, enterprises. It is also advisable to expand the network of special services of the family and marriage, where you can get individual advice on private issues of education, listen to the lectures of specialists.

However, let's return to the family where the child grows. Studies have found that satisfaction with marriage, marital consent is higher in families with one to three children, lower - in families with four or more and the lowest - in childless families. Children contribute to the relationship of parents common to both responsibilities, are of general interest, so with increasing numbers of children, families are strengthened and rally. However, if there are more than four children, the burden on parents increases, and the appearance of another child complicates the maintenance of marital consent. However, this trend is more typical for the city, as the growth in the number of children in rural areas is less reflected in marital relations.

U. Bronfenbrenner identified a number of factors that determine the formation and development of the child's personality. Thus, the absence of a father in the family greatly affects the development of the boy, which is due to the lack of a model for imitation, models of "male" behavior. In a family where mother dominates, children are not very initiative, they wait for instructions and decisions from others. A sense of responsibility and independence is formed in the child in the case when the family is run by the parent of his own sex. Boys are more responsible if the father follows the discipline in the family, the girls are more active if the mother is the authority in the family. The independence of children of both sexes is higher with equally high educational activity of both parents, and they distribute their functions: one performs disciplinary, the other - supporting function. Our research has shown that a significant similarity in the personal traits of parents positively influences the formation of an active life position in the child. It is also established that the spouses' similarity in personality traits positively influences their mutual relations. Therefore, conjugal compatibility is not only favorable for the relations of parents, but also is a condition for the development of a harmonious, active and integral personality of the child.

Finally, there are objective reasons independent of our will for conjugal disharmony: the so-called periodic crises of family development. The causes of the crisis include various changes and shocks that change the familiar rhythm of family life: moving to a new place, illness of family members, changing the family budget for the worse, the death of loved ones, changing the place of work of one of the family members, the birth of a new child, the emergence of adult children in an independent life, etc. A crisis is a stress in the life of a family when the relationships in it are tested for strength. In some families, the crisis does not destroy integrity and harmony, but rather, unites and further strengthens relations. In other families, the crisis often ends with the disintegration of relations: the divorce of spouses, the severance of ties with children or relatives, the increase in conflict. At the time of the crisis, the absence of mutual understanding, participation, tolerance, mutual assistance and support among family members is an incentive to break ties. When a crisis period occurs in a family, it is necessary to be especially vigilant, attentive and cautious, as at this time any small things are especially acute. The family, having overcome the crisis, successfully passed the next test of fate, is satisfied with the victory, and the events of the crisis period for a long time remain a source of family memories. It's like soldiers who have been together in a fire of war: they feel like family for the rest of their lives.

Married, family relationships do not exist by themselves. They are usually included in the family relations system.

Family relationships are based on common origin, birth-related relationships. The number of people included in the family relationship depends on many factors: the actual number of relatives, the proximity of living, cultural traditions. For a city resident, in connection with the tendency toward a nuclear family, the circle of kinship relations closes within 5-10 persons, only blood relatives are directly related to them( brothers, parents, grandparents, children).Other national and cultural traditions in the republics of Transcaucasia and Central Asia require the inclusion in the number of relatives of persons of a more distant and indirect degree of kinship. However, we can talk about the general trend of narrowing the circle of persons with whom the personality enters into a relationship of kinship.

Since a person is not free to choose persons with respect to kinship, personal choice and preference are expressed in the orientation toward different forms of relations: relationships can take the form of friendly, friendly, comradely. Despite this, all family relations have the same basis, a single function: concern for maintaining the physical and social well-being of members of a related group, protecting their health, social status, honor, dignity. Anthropologists' research traces the notion of the genus as a social community fulfilling the tasks of survival and prosperity of members of the genus. Apparently, this function is typical for modern relations of kinship, although in a more hidden form. Analysis of the norms regulating family relations, family traditions and rituals, and some empirical studies of the content of related relations make it possible to consider the proposed assumption of the function of related relations quite justified.

In accordance with the main function, family relations have specific manifestations: caring, participation, assistance in everyday affairs, related to the physical and social needs of partners. Care for the well-being of members of a related group is firmly entrenched in ordinary consciousness as a parent, filial, related debt. This function was also fixed in the norms of morality, religious, national traditions, institutionalized in the norms of civil and family law.

Manifestations of marital and general relationship can be considered the most diverse acts of cooperation, mutual assistance of partners in the implementation of the functions of marriage. It should be noted that, unlike other interpersonal relationships, conjugal( and often related) relationships are subject to social regulation. This gives matrimonial cooperation an element of duty and responsibility( "conjugal duty").Only in relations of kinship, through children, duties significantly, if not completely, prevail over rights. So, through obligations to the child, the mother woman acquires obligations to the man-husband. Accordingly, the predominant obligation increases the psychological( subjective) interdependence of a man and a woman who have a child.

The psychology of interpersonal relationships, woven into the real life of people, is much richer, more varied and more complex than what the psychologist presents in his constructs. Meanwhile, a certain clarity in the relations between people makes it possible to raise both the general culture of man and the culture of interpersonal relations: in the family and at home, at work and in public places.

To program itself for all occasions is very difficult, and to nothing. It is better to always remember that another person is no less valuable than yourself. And it's not about sacrificing ourselves to other people, but about recognizing the rights of others. Emotionally unstable often accuse others, not themselves, in failures. This is a psychological mechanism for protecting one's own unstable "I-concept."Dislike, antipathy occurs when a person sees and the other's opponent. In this case, the negative emotional background of the relationship forces one to see in another the cause of his misfortune, even if the competition is imaginary, in the representation of only one person. Another thing is real competition for the right to own any material, spiritual or human value. With material and spiritual values, it is easier to understand;It is more difficult when a classical triangle of rivalry is formed for the privilege of making friends and especially loving.

In general, an attempt to emasculate production relations, excluding sympathy and antipathy from them, does not lead to anything. Wherever people are not alone, passions can cause a hidden or obvious inadequate understanding of each other, conflict behavior. Constant comparison of oneself with others, their successes and failures can sooner or later lead to envy. And envy, as you know, is a bad adviser in interpersonal relationships. Envy is born of an unquenchable desire to have everything that other people have. Well, if envy develops in the spiritual realm, then it promotes self-improvement, but more often it forces a person to act to the detriment of other people.