• What can the state do to save the family?

    We figured out what to do for a man and a woman who ended up in purgatory called "divorce."But the STATE, if it really is, as it declares, is interested in "strengthening" the family, there is something that can be done.

    The state, in its laws and by-laws, should strive to create SURVIVES and CONTRADICTIONS, in which no parent will have unfair advantages. And then EVERY PARENT SHOULD BE CONTRACTING WITH ANOTHER PARENT AT THE CONTRADICTIONS.

    It is these delicate subtleties that should be devoted to efforts. Legislators should hire scientific research labs that would study and explain

    objective psychological patterns. I consider this laboratory to be my laboratory, which worked for free for many years. Perhaps my recommendations contain some errors. I'm not the ultimate truth, I'm not a magician, I'm just learning. But here are my thoughts. Let's discuss and improve them. Or even reject it( but after a serious multilateral discussion).

    The main question that the government should solve is the question of who the child lives with. Behind the bustle( yes, it's just fuss, no more) with the oligarchs and oil, the legislators forgot about the main thing - about the children who are already humanity and who are the future mankind. And here there are many complexities and subtleties.

    I have already written above that, contrary to the law and thanks to the established practice, the child in the divorce of the parents remains almost always with the mother. The law says that in the event of a divorce both parents have equal rights and bear equal responsibility for the maintenance and upbringing of the child. In practice, the child actually always lives with his mother, and this determines almost everything in the relations of divorced parents. According to the law, alimony is paid separately by the living parent to the parent living with the child. With very few exceptions, the father gives alimony to his mother. The right to contact the father with the child is provided by the free will of the mother. Or the inspector of the guardianship and trusteeship department of the district( municipal) education department. Inspector is almost always a woman. She puts herself in the mother's place;as expressed by psychologists, identifies with the mother. And here such an inspector writes "decision on the appointment of the order of communication" with the child. Usually - once or twice a week. Usually for half an hour, for an hour. Usually in kindergarten or school. Usually under supervision. Needless to say, all this is regarded by the Pope as humiliation. He will break and break his claims to his child.

    It turns out that the father is almost completely deprived of the rights. But he, in essence, is freed from his duties, except for one - to pay alimony. And he should be obliged and should have the right to represent the interests of the child in school, in the

    copper of the Qing institutions, to take the child to institutions of additional education, to go to theaters with him. ..

    Many divorced fathers only pay alimony and consider themselves free from otherparental troubles. And after all the child needs not only a feed, but in education. Neglect is the result of irresponsibility, including fathers. But this neglect is actually sanctioned by the state.

    The legislator should also consider increasing the birth rate.(Russia. - not China.) And then what happens. .. The first rebbek is the fruit of love and not very long reflection. In a rapture from our wavy, intemuscular hair, the young man wants to continue and deepen his love for his wife and finds it in the child. But, having gained experience with the first child, the twenty-three-year-old man understood that the wife does not count with his mother.ambitions. And beware of the birth of the second and third child.

    Everything is interconnected. From this, in turn, the upbringing of an already born child suffers. First, in the conditions of one-child age, there is usually an atmosphere of excessive lisp around the child, and the child becomes self-centered and selfish. Secondly, the wife feels particularly important and, in front of a small child, commands the father, as a result, the father's authority is reduced. I saw how, after the marital "kitchen baht" in the family of our friends, their five-year-old baby swung her father with a whisk.

    Education is all the more difficult when divorced. Here the rabbi: the man generally has no male influence. After all, my mother probably will not get married. And if it does, it will protect its child from the parent's attempts at a new husband( despite the fact that, to spite his blood father, he will try to get the child to call the new husband Papa).

    Mother, in the end, also suffers.

    What can and what should be done?

    It is necessary that the courts decide the issue of fifyififti. In half the cases of disagreement between the wishes of the parents about who the rebbe is with.nok, it is necessary to solve the problem so that the "first" parent was.father, in the other half - mother. In any case, real access to the child is necessary for the second parent.

    But it is important not only the court decision with whom to live with the child. Equality of rights and duties of parents, as well as grandparents on both sides, should be ensured. And this equality must be guaranteed, and not only declared.

    What is the inequality now? And what should equality be? It is something that is measured. I believe that it should be measured by equal time of communication with the child, guaranteed to each parent. The time of communication without the presence of the parent. If none of them is affected by parental rights.

    The time for communication can be distributed in such a way that uniformity is observed: half a year for the mother and half a year for the pope. And so that, suppose, the child was on weekdays with one, and on the weekend - with another. One part of the vacation - one, another part of the vacation - the other. Of course, there are options. What if parents are in different cities?

    For. Equal time should be monitored by bailiffs and inspectors from the education authorities.

    All this, of course, is difficult, but not more difficult than the situation that has developed now.

    There will be more work for the judges, more judges are needed to specialize in these matters. But this is the second question. It will be resolved when the normal order in the economy is established. That's faster and point it to the main issues were civil issues.

    The psychological significance of such court decisions would be serious. If the mother does not have an indisputable opportunity to leave the child with her, she will have to reckon with the issue of divorce. And her resolve in the sense of divorce will not be so indisputable. Spouses will be forced to CONTRACT.And contact psychologists for advice. Let me repeat that four-tenths of divorces were initiated by young wives - despite the fact that one-seventh of the marriage has been lived. For the triangle "muzhzhenanrebenok" as a whole, it will still be optimal. I foresee discontent with women. .. But there are grandmothers on the part of the popes. And they are also women. So it's not just about protecting men.

    After a couple of years, having studied the problem, including through letters, I typed in the same "Litgazet" article "The leader starts and. .. loses."Till now I keep her houses in a frame.

    But it's still there. If, however, someone thinks that all this is only in long-suffering Russia, so no and no. In the US, everything is the same. This was a long-standing American film

    "Kramer vs. Kramer."In France, as it turned out, too, everything is the same. So this is a universal and international problem.

    After the article "Mom and Dad divorced", my active cooperation with television began. Pokoketnichayu: active on the part of television. I was invited to participate in the programs "Parent's Day Saturday", "Addresses of the Young", "Peace and Youth", "The View", "Theme". .. I spoke in them as a presenter or an expert. In this line, at that time, the "Family" program was not the last. According to the director's intention, I interviewed passers-by on the street, and office officials sitting in their chairs. He asked;what they think about the problems of divorcing parents. We also interviewed one lady, a professional in family squabbles. So, "listen here", as they say in Odessa: it was a lady from a court in one of the central districts of Moscow, and not, say, Fryazin or Fryazev. And "listen here", that she told me. ..

    - When divorcing a child is given to raise a mother. ..

    A judge, a divorce specialist, but said so categorically that she rudely contradicts the law that proclaims the equality of rights and duties of parents. This is how deeply this process went. It turns out that the recorded yet has to be interpreted correctly.

    But even if the law is correctly interpreted and the right decision is taken in the spirit of equality of parental rights and obligations, it is still necessary to enforce. This is a new problem. Which should be solved. Because desperate fathers with psychopathic traits do not come up with anything better than stealing a child. And then you have to regret your mother. I had to treat one such mother with hypnosis - she could not see her child for six years. And my father lied to my daughter, left with her in a provincial town, I registered with my daughter in the hostel( the documents were in order: the child was entered in the passport, the father was inscribed on the birth certificate), worked, kept the child, took me to school, even to music school. And "listen here" - when the mother searched for her child, the court appointed a court order on the procedure for communication. The letter of the law was in fact observed. The law says that the child living with his parent must pay alimony separately, the living parent. But the father did not demand alimony, he simply presented all the evidence that he was a "good" father. Awful it is all

    When a divorce is violated - just do not be afraid of the term - the complementarity of the parental roles. This word is understood as complementarity( from the word "complex", and not from the word "compliment.") Next, we will have more detailed discussions on this topic. And now it is important to realize that violations of complementary ™ can occur even if the relationship is more or less stable.

    Extreme feminists should bow to their feet.

    But it seems that IV Grebennikov had reasons for such a monstrous title for the chapter. .. How long does the child see his father? The father leaves when the child is still asleep. And comes home when the child is already sleeping. Well, or they'll have breakfast together, and only. .. On Saturday, Sunday, Father himself sleeps. And if one is awake at this time in this insane world, then he keeps the child only on the periphery of the gaze and on the periphery of consciousness. After all, he continues to deal with industrial issues at home: he takes the right people, he works by phone. Justified: "I provide a standard of living - what else do they want from me. ..?"

    This is a HIDDEN BEETNESS.But everywhere and everywhere it is so. It is for everyone, this hidden fatherlessness.

    Let's ask a tricky question, but why is this so. .. The question is really tricky;it just seems to be simple. .. Say, in our hard time we need to strain ourselves, so that the family can exist. That's what the family is straining for, how else.

    But deep inside. .. I conducted a survey, and you check, spend it again or more times. While reading lectures, I asked women how many things that are bought in the wardrobe are not worn in the family. How many purchased dishes could not be bought. And so on. The answers were shortened, the average figures and percentages were displayed. It turned out that 29% of the purchased is not used. I will not lie: exactly - 29. .. Up to one third is missing 4.3%.But agree that - almost a third. Do not agree - okay, let's just 29%.This is the superfluous "part-time", in terms of Soviet terms. And you will agree that the time for earning this money is also almost a third. Now let's conduct a mental experiment. Refuse from 29% of the gear.

    Result: the father will be more for 29% of the time at home and at 29% he can give the child his paternity more. But if, of course, listen to all kinds of "Loreal. Paris, because I deserve it, is not it ", then what will happen? And it will be that not enough 29% of the additional income of your husband. Not enough, even 29% of the additional income of a potential killer, who did not become your husband, because it was seized by your girlfriend, or even a stranger.

    So, oddly enough, the alienation of the father from the child, the lack of paternal warmth is dictated by the cold aestheticism of the mother. She wants to get better dressed and better dress her child, and maybe even her dad. Well, so what's more important? Clothes are not for the cold. .. or the warmth of their father's hands? If this is the question, then it is unlikely that anyone will answer that, they say, clothes are more important. But in practice, all behave the way that it becomes more important clothes.

    And after all, the father should go to the clinic with the child, go to the museums and take them to the music school. Instead of fathers, this is often done by grandfathers. This is also a distortion. In addition - please, but as a substitute - no.

    The result of such a hidden fatherlessness is neglect. But even if the child does not remain alone, left to himself, it must be humanly and simply to change his mother. Let go to visit a friend. Let her friends chat. Chatter is an important need. Free communication. Its absence depresses and leads to stress. It is necessary that motherhood does not turn into a prison.

    For the third time I repeat( or in the fifth): the father's hands, as well as his voice, the child should feel when he is still in his mother's abdomen.

    So, so that there is no hidden fatherlessness, you have to reduce the cost of excess. The roots of hidden fatherlessness are in the woman, the wife. Yes, and here - LOOK FOR A WOMAN.

    Well, we have already, I hope, made sure that we need to establish the actual equality between the parents. That is equivalent, but not formal. Mom is breastfeeding and with a spoon. Dad makes a living. Mom protects from close and small, but frequent dangers. Papa - from more distant, rarer, but larger. That is, the roles of parents here are complementary, complementary. In addition to complementarity there is,

    of course, and some interchangeability. The father can feed with a spoon and drive away the dog. And the mother on occasion will earn more, and, if necessary, "enter the burning hut".But nevertheless it is clear that this interchangeability is within limited limits. Here the father feeds vsetaki only from a spoon, but not a breast. So mother can protect the Motherland and the child as a sniper. .. but not as a paratrooper. In everyday life, my mother will protect only from a chicken or from another wayward mother. But the terrorists are Dad. So,