Family Diplomacy

In matrimony, it is necessary to wage an incessant struggle with the all-devouring monster, which is called a habit.

O. Balzak

The union of two lovers is not a testament to full family well-being! But the basis of such harmony is family diplomacy, combined with the socio-psychological maturity of young spouses, their readiness to create a family.

Family diplomacy is especially important at the beginning of family formation. After all, the "honeymoon" is very often not the easiest and cloudless, but the most difficult and disturbing, not so much the triumph of love as its test for cautiousness and subtlety, for readiness to understand each other.

Every person is different. Everyone has his own tastes, inclinations, traits of character. Each brings with him to the newly created family the traditions of his parents' house, the style of communication. And even in loving, spiritually close spouses there may be disagreements.

When they met before marriage, young people recognized each other in a situation of well-known carelessness, and when they were living together, they suddenly discovered such traits of character that they had never suspected. After the wedding, many husbands and wives stop caring about preserving the former attraction for each other. They can not always understand that a good person can have disadvantages or undesirable habits. And the attempts of one of the spouses to immediately resolutely change everything in another, to adjust his style of behavior to his style are usually not crowned with success, and the first quarrels can set the tone for the subsequent being. This requires a subtle diplomatic approach to each other.

Adaptation period is an obligatory stage of family formation. It can be short, and can last for years. Much depends on mutual desire, on readiness and ability to meet each other.

Of course, life does not happen without adversity and grief, but it's a shame when family conflicts arise from nothing and some people consider the lack of compliance that is so necessary in family life. Conflicts rarely pass, without a trace, they create the ground for torment, mutual discontent. Harmony in intimate marital relations is broken, which in turn becomes a source of new experiences. If there is a tension, it is necessary to strive to discharge it, not expecting that the other necessarily made the first step towards reconciliation. The sooner the discharge comes, the easier it will be for everyone.

Often the first test of a young family is the disharmony of intimate relationships. In this area, much more subtle and complex than some young people believe, not everything is as it was before marriage. There are many reasons for this: the difference in the sexual feelings of men and women, the features of their temperament, the strength of attraction, and often the lack of emotional culture, tact, tenderness and tenderness of the husband, excessive stiffness, restraint of the wife. S. S. Libich developed a classification of psychological types of sexual partners, which helps in the prevention of sexual disharmony.

«The man-father».An elderly person psychologically having a need for a woman to bow before him was significantly younger, weaker physically, inexperienced. His sexual desire may be low( or decreased), but the art of courtship for;a woman allows him to enchant her, and at sexual intercourse to satisfy at the expense of good preparation, use of various and precisely chosen: caress, despite of a small potency.

"Man-man".Here we can distinguish two types: 1) active( aggressive) tin and 2) passive, in need of aggressiveness of a woman.

1. A young man or middle-aged man with good physical development, assertive, somewhat blunt, little differentiating caresses, but carrying them intensively. In the sexual act - a supporter: a long period of frictions, sometimes inclined to cause a woman pain and moral suffering.

2. A young or middle-aged man, "worshiping a woman," who considers herself unworthy of her, guilty, thirsts for her punishment and even contempt. He prefers women with aggressive tendencies.

"The Man-Son".Always young, infantile, physically weak, often loser, not afraid to tell a woman about it, wants her to "regret" him. In caresses a little cutesy, capricious, passive, expects from a woman custody, activity in sexual life.

"Mother Woman".More often than middle age( at a younger age has undifferentiated sexuality), but maybe young. In her caresses the motive "to save" prevails, to support, to educate. Sometimes "goes to rapprochement with alcoholics, psychopaths, chronic losers in order to" save "them," make a man ".Lack of beauty, physical weakness, impracticality, failure, soreness of a man not only does not repel it, but, on the contrary, can be factors that attract, excite.

"Woman Woman".There are two types.1. Passive, feminine, suffering type. Most often younger than a man, prone to obedience, self-sacrifice, soft, compliant, accepts the behavior pattern and tactics of a man in sexual life, but reacts negatively to his passivity, weakness, failure. Her ideal of a man includes physical strength, a somewhat standard, but beautiful appearance. In the old days I liked to marry an "abduction".

2. Active type( aggressive, female lord).Strives for an active choice of a partner, domination over him. Love expresses irony, criticism, ridicule. In caresses is active: emphasizing the inability of men, can scold and caress simultaneously, and also cause him pain.

«Woman-daughter».Usually much younger than a man, notes that since his youth, they liked those who are "significantly older".It was boring with my peers. He has a great need for sexual "prelude", than in the intensity of the sexual act itself. Even physical signs of old age, for example, wrinkles, like this woman.

Comparing the socio-psychological characteristics of these types of men and women, you can see that, for example, "male-son" and "mother-woman" represent psychological and sexual harmony. The same can be said about the "man-man" and "woman-woman".At the same time, the "male-father" and "mother-woman", "man-son" and "woman-woman" relationships indicate a certain disharmony in sexual needs and expectations.

Great value for a woman has a psychological mood, which must necessarily precede sexual intercourse, because she is by nature subtle, emotional, vulnerable, very sensitive to worldly failures. Rushed, loaded with work and home, a woman will not have a mood for sexual intimacy. When fatigue, home worries, extraneous thoughts interfere, rapprochement will not be complete and will not bring satisfaction. Psychological attitude is ranked above sexual intimacy, it should be considered the main ritual of love. But in order to use it skillfully in life, you need knowledge on anatomy, physiology and psychology of a person.

In most cases, they are not present in young spouses.

Once we were approached by a serviceman. He was worried about the wife's indifference to sexual life, despite the fact that they were married for three years, had a child. When I talked with my wife, it turned out that my husband often went on business trips, a woman who was overly busy with housework, had little contact with people. By nature, emotional, sociable, she locked herself in the circle of domestic affairs, was not satisfied with life because she did not do her favorite work. In addition, the husband had little interest in the inner world of the spouse. In his communication with his wife there were no words of affection. The man did not understand that it is necessary to support in his wife, femininity, tenderness, desire and ability to please. All this led to the fact that the woman stopped seeing in her spouse a man, her interest in sex life with him weakened.

Similar complaints can be heard from people in whose families the conflicts imperceptibly, but relentlessly, imprint on the psychological climate of relations. Especially often this pattern is observed where one of the spouses abuses alcohol.

Adaptation of spouses suggests a subtle mutual understanding, equalization of depth and force of attraction. And if you do not aspire to this, you can live a lifetime without knowing what your beloved or beloved lacked.

Experts argue that a purely physiological or anatomical mismatch is almost never the cause of disharmony, that almost every healthy woman and every healthy man can be happy in an intimate married life. And only the reasons for the psychological nature are hindering this. But they are completely removable when they are together.

According to psychologists, temperament is a type of the human nervous system. With him a man was born, he dies with him. We inherit it, whether we like it or not - we live with it. Another thing is that there are no bad temperaments, each has its own advantages and disadvantages. Each person has a certain type of temperament, but there are certain features of other types.

Most often distinguish four types of temperaments: choleric, phlegmatic, sanguine and melancholic.

Choleric excitation processes predominate over inhibition. This people are impatient, impulsive, hot. They have seven Fridays in a week. Here he ran in tears, grieves and mourns, but now he is comforted and laughs cheerfully, in order a few minutes later to become sad. He falls in love, of course, lightning fast, but, it happens, quickly and cools down, to fall in love again - even if in the same person. If you fall in love for real, his love will be hot and uneven. Failures and falls in the relationship with his wife or husband, he will have much more than phlegmatic. The phlegmatic may simply not notice the oblique glance cast upon him. The choleric immediately rushed to the attack: "Oh, you looked at me like that? So you do not love me anymore?,Yes? That's it, I see you yesterday. .. "- and so on and so forth. Having said a lot of injustices, the choleric quickly cools and, it happens, bitterly regrets that he let his tongue loose. But with him you can be sure: he will not save any secrets and suspicions, he will immediately post them to you. It is important for him to give vent to his feelings that are overwhelming him, even though he can clap loudly at the door, even shout. Noisy people are freakish, but not without a kind of charm.

Phlegmatic, as opposed to choleric people, people are thorough, slow, unhurried. If such a thing does, then certainly to the end. But to get him to start doing it is a whole story. And he will also fall in love gradually and slowly, terribly slowly. But for life. Therefore, phlegmatic are often odnolyuby: with such slowness, they simply do not have time to change hobbies. But they are reliable family back, solid and true. Of course, it happens that his slowness irritates others, but his decisions are built on common sense and thorough, like himself. A wife can consider him just a lazy - and in vain. He has his own view of things, he must prepare himself before starting the work, that's all.

By the way, phlegmatic in family life is not necessarily so harmless. Only in appearance it seems that he perceives jokes, reproaches and reproaches in his address without any irritation. At first, yes, but the distribution is accumulated gradually, until the moment, so to speak, reaches the critical mass. Then there can be an explosion, yes, such a one, neither to himself, nor to his home can not be extinguished. This is also a side of his inhibition: he begins to do something, he does not stop, even if he wants to. .. If he say, long "saw", he can give a strong hysterical reaction, or even just leave the house forever. Sothat phlegmatic jokes are bad. However, the same as with choleric.

The most winning type is sanguine. This temperament combines all the good things that a phlegmatic and choleric person has, but is deprived of their shortcomings. No wonder: the processes of excitation and inhibition in his equilibrium. Excellent gets along with everyone with whom he wants to get along, knows the approach, is well versed in the surrounding. He never gives up, new difficulties force him to seek an acceptable solution.(Remember Ostap Bender? I was robbed, I lost everything, I was beaten and thrown out, so what? I'll go to the management councils!) For my husband-sanguine - like behind a stone wall: if he truly loves, he finds the perfect common language with you, guesses any desire.

But, probably, you already guessed: if he is so energetic and businesslike, in love it's not always so good. All the Don Juan are most likely sanguine. To make him love himself as a woman he likes, he can easily, than another. But also to stop loving him is easier: the phlegmatic person simply does not get ready, the choleric person is all in the palm of his hand, he does not know how to deceive. A sanguine knows how, and how! And since he controls himself best of all, he will transfer the gap much easier than the rest. Among sanguine people, there are fewer neurotics, but among those who communicate with them. ..

And one more aspect of sanguine temperament: because they live better than others, they do not need to climb so high, so to speak, too high: n &Is it because, they say, there are no outstanding personalities among geniuses, geniuses?

Now about the melancholic. Melancholics have all the disadvantages of phlegmatic and choleric without their merits. Weak type of nervous system. An expert in the production of an elephant from a fly: any obstacle seems like a mountain, any minor offense is a deadly insult. Alarmist: oh, what now to do, she looked at me wrong! And he finds no way out. Sanguine, noticing a sidelong glance, shrugs his shoulders and begins to look for a way so that the next

does not have a slanting glance;melancholia first of all will be frightened. And most importantly, he gets "turned on" as a choleric man, but he cools down painfully slowly, like a phlegmatic.

Melancholic his happiness is given with difficulty, after numerous experiences, doubts and fears: loves?does not love? To approach or suit or not?to explain or not yet( time? and suddenly refusal - what to do?) This is not your sanguine person, for which everything is not a problem. Is it surprising that for melancholists to lose what he has already won, tragedy? Having fallen in love, having achieved reciprocity, he will hold on

It should be noted that there is no pure bearer of one temperament, but it is useful to know your temperament and the temperament of your wife( husband). The practice shows that it is best to marry ormarry a manwith a different temperament, and not every combination is equally favorable. Sanguine - he gets on with whom you want. The phlegmatic gets along well with the choleric person precisely because they are opposite: the choleric has cried out and he feels better, and the phlegmatic has not yet had time to "get", here is the conflict and

But if two choleric people fall in love, their life together will be very noisy: the scythe finds on a stone, the fuse of one will multiply by the explosiveness of another, the petty conflict sometimes grows to the size of a catastrophe. If, in addition, the spouses have little internal culture, the case may end with the smashing of utensils( and not only dishes) and calling the militia. Two married phlegmatic people will make their life even more leisurely than before marriage.

Diplomacy, a burning understanding is needed not only in the field of intimate relations. They are no less important in the sphere of everyday life, which contains specific difficulties, annoying little things and sometimes requires not only patience, but also the stress of all will and energy.

The road to normalization of family relations is the way to equality. Equality implies not only the husband's help to his wife, but joint work around the house, a uniform, fair division of domestic labor between spouses in time, load. Again, the line of conduct should dictate a mutual feeling, a desire to help each other, to bring joy, to be extremely attentive, caring, and just. The free time, obtained for each other, is also the "materialization of love".It turns into spiritual blessings, into a good mood, into an interesting joint holiday. No matter how independent, energetic, prestigious at work a woman, at home she still wants to feel support and help. She also needs this because she is physically weaker than men, and motherhood also requires a lot of mental and physical strength from her. Her experiences are sharper, she needs an understanding and strong friend, a good comforter. In general, a woman has always waited and waits from a man that he will give her a sense of security. The collapse of such expectations gives rise to dissatisfaction with marriage, complicates marital relations. The main thing in which a woman can not and should not be lonely is the upbringing of children.

In many, especially young families, the question arises: who is the head of the family? In a modern family, "dual power" is increasingly replacing the traditional male supremacy, when both spouses manage family affairs skilfully, giving way to another sphere in which they feel less competent. Probably, this is the best option to which the spouses should strive.

One of the reasons for the conflicts arising in the married life of the spouses is often the ignorance of the psychological characteristics of each other by a man and a woman. Mental differences between the sexes are explained not only by biological, physiological, hormonal factors, but also by social( upbringing, traditions, principles, etc.).

For a man is particularly characteristic of the high development of abstract, theoretical thinking, they are more rational, prone to reasoning and analysis. In women, thinking is specifically imaginative, more emotional, often dependent on the senses.

What does this lead to in everyday life? A woman is sometimes harder to tear herself away from a direct, sensual attitude to the subject, phenomenon, person, it is more difficult to look at them from the outside and embrace them as a whole. At once I want to warn the supporters of "male superiority": this does not give grounds for underestimating the female mind, treating with disdain for women's judgments. It is these "weaknesses", and in fact, the features of thinking often give a woman a significant advantage over a man - especially in everyday psychology, in relationships with loved ones, relatives, friends, acquaintances. Thinking in women closely interacts with emotions, which allows you to quickly, better and deeper understand, it is more appropriate to react to a particular act. Therefore, in the family, a woman is often the best psychologist who can suspend the oncoming conflict in time. Given this, an intelligent husband will listen to his wife when solving important family problems. The thinking of a man depends less on the feeling, so it is considered more objective. It is easier for him to cover all phenomena in general, to break away from small details, from moods, prejudices. Therefore, in very difficult problems, a man often understands better than a woman, and maybe a wife should give him the privilege of solving difficult family issues that require foresight, criticality, and objectivity. At the same time, because of the theoretical, abstract nature of his mind, sometimes not taking into account the most subtle human emotions, men can often be less diplomatic and subtle in matters of intra-family relations.

For a man characterized by great brightness, mobility of feelings, they are more likely to get carried away. Unfortunately, this quality has not only a good side, but also a bad side;it is often the cause of family conflicts. In the turbulence of men's feelings lies not only strength, but also weakness: they are more difficult to maintain, they can always be prolonged. Therefore, the representative of the stronger sex must own the feelings, regulate and restrain them. The lack of such skill threatens him and his wife with great difficulties.

Feelings of a woman are less turbulent and vivid than her partner's, but more permanent and deep, aesthetic, diverse in shades. The woman has a natural tact and ability to poeticize the trifles of everyday life.

For women it is important to verbalize what the man said: not only what is said, but how. A man should not hesitate to repeat more often that his beloved is the most sweet, charming, beautiful. Of course, compliments should be supported by effective friendship and help( especially around the house).

It is believed that women have a weaker will than men. This is not entirely true, but its willpower often manifests itself not immediately. In some ways, a wife can succumb to her husband. But in that, which considers it very important for herself and her family, she does not care, let not at once - in the forehead, but gradually will be able to insist on her own.

It is common for a man to perform work in a short time that requires more physical strength, while laborious long-term labor is more typical for women. Women are more patient, careful. They are rightly considered the custodians of the family hearth, family traditions.

Features of the psyche of a woman do not allow her to openly express her sexual dissatisfaction in marriage. She does not always talk about what she thinks, very often masking all sexual failures with some other reproaches: "I have not given flowers for a long time," "you do not do your child," "do not put shoes on," sometimes I do not - in the housedisorder, etc.

In the family life, the distribution of household responsibilities between spouses and, moreover, their relationships as a whole should be built taking into account the psychological characteristics of men and women. Of course, the differences between a man and a woman in this respect are individual in each case;it is necessary to see them and treat them with all seriousness, otherwise it is difficult, and sometimes it is simply impossible to avoid family friction. Only careful, tactful attitude of the spouses to each other helps to overcome, soften these differences and preserve the union of loving hearts.

On the page of one of the satirical magazines were published two drawings depicting scenes from family life. On one woman with a grubby hairdo, in a shabby dressing-gown, with a broom in her hands. The face of the husband standing next to him expresses dislike and despair. Unrecognizably the transformation looks like the same woman in another drawing: just from a hairdresser, in a smart dress, fashionable shoes. .. Under the drawings the signature: for the husband and for the guests.

Yes, this approach to family life gives a very serious reason for conversation.

There are many people who do not want to avoid a very large mistake in family life. Once the marriage is completed, they immediately become indifferent to how they will look in the eyes of the spouse, and they are entirely surrendered to the power of their habits and inclinations. Making great demands on the opposite side, they themselves reason: now he( my) mine( mine), so there is nothing to try especially for the sake of "his man."And the "frenzy of passion" is barely disappearing, as the wife loses her attractiveness to the husband, and he "casts a glance" at others, gets carried away, falls in love, and the wife does not care very much about how to like her husband's style in a straightforward way, but all the charmreserved for co-workers and acquaintances, and everyday life is included in its rights. "

Yes, a person wants to relax, rest sometimes, but there is a certain requirement to be pleasant in everyday life, obeying this demand is a consequence primarily of upbringing. The combination of love and respect with mutual sexual attraction should be especially appreciated in the family. "

A woman who wants to keep interest and attention to her husband will always carefully monitor her appearance, notwill lose sight of neither the home toilet nor the comfort of the apartment, nor the intimate aspects of conjugal love. The external situation is far from indifferent to the spouses. Any little thing can either stimulate rapprochement or, conversely, slow it down. Complete solitude, semi-darkness, aesthetic decoration, purity, smell of perfume - all this, as a rule, helps to strengthen the sexual desire. And the situation should equally satisfy both. If one, for example, needs bright light, and the other to complete darkness, then during closeness one of the spouses has braking moments.

All that has been said must be remembered for both man and woman. If a woman deliberately strives to decorate her everyday life so that he becomes attractive to a man, she will more and more tie her husband to her every day. Of course, in an intimate situation, rude techniques of sensual character, perverted coquetry, imaginary and real infidelities must be ruled out to spur the "love experiences" of the husband( wife).All this is better replaced by tact, delicacy, nobility, that by nature is characteristic of a woman.

In turn, the husband should take on everything in his power to promote the love game. His knightly devotion to a woman should especially manifest in relation to his girlfriend's life. Habits, which would be unpleasant to strangers, should be restrained in the family circle. But the most difficult thing in a marriage is to take into account the shortcomings of the other( unless it is, of course, alcoholism, donjuanism, etc.).And not reproaches, not quarrels, not ultimatum requirements, and love to patiently help them to correct.

Long and full happiness in marriage is possible only on the basis of spiritual love, with the obligatory accompaniment of sexual feelings. In order not to stop the purely physical gravitation of the husband to his wife( even after a long period of conjugal married life), the embrace of the wife should always serve as a source of happiness for him. This is quite possible in the presence of friendship, sympathy and love, laid in the basis of marriage and continuing even after the passing of youth. If a woman does not show any desire or ability to support her husband's love for himself, he can become indifferent to the woman he likes, and will seek her love and sympathy. Well, when a man, feeling that his passion for the wife is weakening, and his eyes are increasingly turning to the other, he will summon all his imagination to the aid and mentally present the wife with those attractive features that he found in the temptress. This "deception" mostly works, and thanks to this, the husband's sexual passion for his wife increases, which, in turn, realizing and understanding his efforts, will treat him more tenderly. As a result, the very fire of love, which threatened to exterminate their family hearth, will serve to strengthen it. If love in marriage was sincere and mutual, then such shocks only act as a cementing force. Married life, carefully preserved by both partners, can turn into an eternal spring of love feelings. For this, it is worth fighting with your weaknesses, bad habits and character traits.

Still it is necessary to remember, that never and to anybody it is impossible to arrange any "tests of feelings" for definition of force of passion( or fidelity) of the elect. In the case when one of the sides gives the impression that the partner has become colder, you do not need to express your resentment, irritation or fear, to panic. When a person abandons self-control, he is able to commit many of the most pernicious mistakes. Kg "in the difficult moment of life does not lose its head and spirits, it often comes out victorious from the most seemingly critical situations.