Loneliness: misfortune or fault!
Jun 17, 2018
- Tell me why the society gives preference to family citizens in everything. It has already been proved: it is more difficult to live in a family, but it's happier than living alone. Do I still have to be vexed by all kinds of restrictions to those who are already deprived of their destiny?
Indeed, the statistics of recent years convinces: family-less men bear a heavy burden of misfortune. They die of heart disease 3.5 times more often than those living in the circle of native people. Road accidents with the first occur 5 times more often. The bachelors end their suicide and divorced more often than the family ones 6 times!150 years ago it was recorded that not a single bachelor was among the long-livers. Even at a relatively young age, 20-30 years, the mortality among single men is 25% higher than among married men.
Amazing these figures suggest: a widely accepted idea that a family is most needed by a woman is not confirmed by life. Single women are less dramatic in their situation. The average l
And yet, what's so surprising about it? A man who is needed by many, from the health, work and well-being of which depends the well-being of his people, behaves differently than the "roll-field".He is more cautious in risky situations, he is more strict in his morals, and finally, he has someone to rely on in a difficult moment.
But, despite the obvious advantages of family life, many people remained unmarried and unmarried before, and in recent years the number has increased noticeably. Is it possible to assume that today's young people are ready to pay their "freedom" so dearly? Or are they forced to do so by objective reasons?
This problem was repeatedly discussed by the mass audience, because the whole society can not be happy, when a significant part of the population of the country is deprived of the family property necessary for Human happiness.
Such reasons for the lack of families of young people were revealed, such as the existence of towns and rural areas where men are sorely lacking and "unmarried weavers( milkmaids, housekeepers, teachers, doctors, etc.) constitute the majority."At the same time, the number of new buildings is growing, where the percentage of young women is extremely low compared with the number of men - builders, loggers, sailors. .. There are predominantly male or female industries in old cities: metallurgical plants, mines or light industry enterprises. There it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to meet a future spouse or spouse. So, potential brides and grooms can meet only at their leisure. And this requires youth clubs, dance halls, tourist bases, which in the capital's centers are less than required, about small towns and new buildings and can not speak.
Prevent the creation of young families and financial difficulties, and lack of housing. There was also such a reason for the growth of bachelors: the economic and moral independence of women, which ensures that those who have always tried to hide behind the back of a husband, the choice of lifestyle and style of behavior.
As we said above, men are left single, for whom the spouse is only a universal servant. Such girls are now rare, but at the service of a bachelor there are a lot of ateliers, canteens, offices that allow him to lead his own house and without women's help.
However, you should take a closer look, as you will notice: in exactly the same conditions, some young people create a family, overcoming all objective difficulties, others - and remain unattended, go to bask in another's fire. Hence, there are also some subjective, personal reasons leading to loneliness. Probably, it is useful for us to comprehend this phenomenon.
- My parents have relatives and friends who do not have a family, but do not impress the sick, unhappy, especially doomed. On the contrary, many of them do well in all matters and look energetic, cheerful. My mother and father sometimes even envy their free life, "one high school student retorted during a conversation on this topic.
Here we need clarification: whom we call single, single-family. Often, in this category, we bring in people who have many diverse family ties. Friends and relatives, about whom the girl spoke, may well be, they themselves had parents, to whom were very attached and whose attention, care nourished their hearts with love and to whom they paid the same feeling. They also had siblings with children, whom they perceived so passionately and with interest, as others do not accept their own children. Of course, such ties can not fully replace the real family and blood children, but still to a certain extent they relieve the sense of unsettledness and restlessness experienced by a lonely person.
There are also known cases when the best friends of a family home become almost relatives: in joy, in trouble - they are right there. And they take on a heavier burden, and the reward is found in the successes of their friends. And thereby gain the most valuable status - an expensive, necessary person. And this is very important for internal stability, so as not to complain about fate.
Another category of lonely, not experiencing emotional discomfort: people obsessed with some kind of passion that fills the heart, thoughts, aspirations. Sometimes they are figures of education, science, culture, art, researchers, travelers, military. They clearly realize that they can not combine two important occupations: their favorite profession and the upbringing of their children. And honestly make their choice. Success in work gives them strength, vivacity, cheerfulness. However, broken professional hopes are experienced by them much harder than family people. Leper, then, except the case, there is nothing.
There is a large category of women who get all the trouble of their own mother, and without creating their own family. They are childless and unmarried nannies, teachers of other people's children. Literature of all times and peoples captured the warmth, the heartfelt wisdom of nannies, who fostered many great people, and those immortalized some of them with their love and recognition. For example, AS Pushkin was Arina Rodionovna called mother and she did not give her mother the most heartfelt and affectionate lines:
Girlfriend of my harsh days, Dove my decrepit. ..
Marina Tsvetayeva admitted that she would like to be for the poet in thatwas Arina Rodionovna to him, and she would not have preferred a better life: not the mother, not the lover, not the wife, namely the nanny-girl-friend.
The above examples and the ones you will find in your environment will once again confirm that any phenomenon should be approached not formally, but thoughtfully. Next, we will analyze the state and behavior of people who are unhappy in their loneliness.
Let's try to distinguish between them according to the characteristics of the character and in relation to the family.
The first type of lonely person can be attributed to those who want to start a family, but can not.
The second is in principle not averse to get a family circle, but can do without it. The family for him is "lesser evil" than loneliness, but by no means a desirable blessing.
The third principal opponent of family life, although it has all the objective and subjective possibilities for its creation.
The fourth does not want to acquire a family and can not.
The fourth of the detected types, in all probability, we will have to pass over here in silence. The impossibility and unwillingness to create a family is often the result of serious misfortunes, illnesses of the body and soul, maybe even tragic circumstances. At least, these are isolated cases.
The first type is very common among single people. Mainly it consists of people shy, timid, modest by nature and education. Since these are the properties that are given to girls in the first place, let's talk about them, although all the said young men can easily transfer to their account, as well as the following examples, when the behavior of representatives of different sexes differs little.
In any hall where the youth is noisy, it's easy to notice the girls who are huddled to the wall, hide behind the columns, all evening, watching someone else's fun and success. They go into the shadows to hide their true or, most often, fictional and, of course, exaggerated shortcomings, external and internal. Because, really, remain in the shadow of their more brisk girlfriends, who in nothing else do not exceed them.
The fact that girls who possess the properties of primordially feminine women, which prefer their antipodes, often remain undetected and rejected, makes some doubt: are these properties so valuable? Otherwise, the most desirable brides would be just them: shy, modest. And what kind and faithful wives, probably, would become many of them!
In the same position often more energetic, independent, even business girls and women, but having a certain definite ideal of a possible friend and wife, often turn out to be. Often his portrait is "painted" from his father or brother - men, ardently loved and honored. They see that most of the girlfriends who once dreamed of knights without fear and reproach are reconciled to reality and, having married, then spend their whole lives diligently educating their husband on their own idea of what is right. But an uncompromising heart does not respond to the call of a person far from the intended pattern.
If such "idealists" dare to marry without high passion, then, incapable of compromise, or rather, not ready for work on re-educating themselves and others, are often divorced and again remain alone.
When the fortieth anniversary is coming, many of them willingly begin to participate in the clubs "To whom for 30", apply to the service of assistance to create a family( "dating service") with requests for help.
Please note, and here we meet with noble characters and attitudes. Such girls and women do not throw their necks on the first cross and cross. They do not reconcile with vegetation in marriage without love and respect. At the same time, they are ready to work hard for the benefit of their loved ones, they will also be faithful wives and dedicated mothers. For a small thing it was up: to find the perfect husband. And them - alas!- are not born, they become in the process of joint spiritual creativity.
The same type of women are simple-minded, simple, but they are constant in their feelings and deeds. Psychologists say that they have the basic nervous processes rather stable, even inert. They remain lonely, having lost their husband, beloved, having retained in their souls eternal attachment to them( and it does not always always matter whether he died or left for another).Do not make repeated attempts to create a family, when they were burned out in a joint life with a drunkard, a rude.
There are only single, unique mums and daddies favorites among lonely people. They are well, cozy under the parental roof. And so you do not want to break away from it, although they do not think their adult life without a friendly family of their own. But at the same time in the usual way nothing has changed. When they still get married, they rarely become independent housewives and the husband is not allowed to gain independence from parental will and custody. For them, the husband is my mother-in-law. That's why the return to their native penates without guilt of the guilty, broken-down mamma's daughters for all men.
Exactly the same situation develops in many single mother's sons. If two unique and unique meet together under the common roof, then close the spike of the older generation, occupying around the young couple circular defense and protecting adult children from any bad weather, can keep them near each other.
Representatives of the first type can be recognized by their appearance. They, as a rule, rarely respond to the "cry of fashion", waiting for the model to enter the reasonable channel. And so adapt it to yourself, that it will look quite normal for them. Cosmetics they have restrained tones. They will not surprise anybody with unexpected hair coloring, haircut, hairdo. Just like in their own appearance, they do not tolerate abrupt changes in everything else: in literary hobbies and entertainments, in food, in a place of dwelling. Inertia, that is, consistency, in everything. She is their valor and. .. a hindrance in creating a family.
While their energetic contemporaries gave out, seven shoes will be worn out in search of a mated, like Vassilissa the Wise, seven shawl girls and idealistic girls will cry, waiting for the good young man to knock at the window. They would get out of a warm, rustic corner, change jobs, or even give up on a new building or move to a growing village, where, I hear, nowadays there are plenty of unmarried male machine operators. But. .. inertia, shyness: what will others say? Here, they say, for the bridegrooms have moved! It's awkward, uncomfortable, indecent. So in our life everything is intertwined: what we consider to be a virtue may turn out to be a disadvantage if we look from the other side.
The second type of lonely, as we have already agreed, are men and women who choose marriage as less than loneliness, but also evil, albeit generally accepted. A significant number in this series are young people who grew up in so-called incomplete or complete, but dysfunctional families. The family consciously seek first of all those who know its true and high value, who are accustomed to be from childhood under its warm and kind wing and simply do not think of any other way of life.
The type described here unites people of very different types. There will meet and inert, and energetic, and whatever. They have in common the inability to live in a family circle. Recently, scientists have received quite convincing evidence that even the instinct of motherhood in a woman, paternity in a man manifests itself more strongly, if in childhood before them appeared a visible example of love and care for children from both parents.
To this category, gravitate and those who have mothers lived their century without a husband. Today it is primarily the children and grandchildren of the widows of the military age. Where else does the war get us! Millions of girls born in the late 30's - first half of the 40's saw their fathers only on yellowed photographs, memorized the words of stingy soldiers' letters-triangles. They did not know how it is possible and necessary to build relationships in the family, where there is a husband and father next to the mother. Therefore, copied the style and behavior of moms. The same helpless and unskillful bridegrooms and husbands often turned out to be young guys who grew up in such houses. Both of them then reproduced their ignorance already in their own children.
The third type is those who have all the opportunities and conditions for creating a family, but fundamentally rejects such a perspective. These are, so to speak, "ideological bachelors", as a rule, prosperous in business, able to furnish their life with comfort and taste, lovers of travel, interested in literature and art, watching their appearance and health. Sometimes they assure that they would not grieve about their situation, if it were not for the annoying regrets of relatives and friends about their loneliness.
The fundamental rejection of the family way of life has recently found a considerable number of supporters, moreover, attempts are being made to bring the theoretical basis to it. Others are in a hurry to declare precisely such people as genuinely modern, almost "a sign of progress," thus listing the antipodes as "traditionalists", backward elements.
The first argument, which is often quoted in their favor: they are supposedly more conscientious, intelligent and energetic workers than their family and "detached" colleagues. Because the state is more profitable. Statements of this kind usually do not rely on official statistics. Therefore, we and you have reason to operate with your own observations and data, especially since we have already compared family and lonely people who are closer to retirement age, by their position, qualification, earnings. And we were convinced: in the overwhelming majority of the lonely do not win anything in this competition. In addition, the country's material, economic and defense might still depend on the number of people born and educated.
The second argument of another, immaterial property: they say, "principled bachelors" are the accumulators of spiritual values, they are attached to the achievements of culture, the art, for the development of which, with family worries, loaded with household concerns, there is no time.
About the number of books read, movies viewed, visits to exhibitions and festivals until recently, no one argued. And now, sociologists question this ratio. And the fact that it is bachelors who have reason to be called bearers of spiritual values, requires proof. Unless to take for a truth the prejudice among semi-educated people: to put an artificial, that is, a reflected life above the genuine.
This canon really does read about someone else's love more "sublime" and "spiritually" than to experience deep love. To admire the Madonna of Raphael and Leonardo is "nobler" than to be a Madonna mother herself. To sympathize with work and deeds, the selflessness of theatrical and film heroes is "preferable" than to experience anxiety and excitement, overcome difficulties and adversities. Talk about someone's fate, someone experienced, then meaningful artists, and escape from their own.
All this for some reason is called intelligence. Although the very word "intellectual" means "understanding the essence of being."That is why genuine intellectuals are not very well educated. And on the contrary, there are unspiritual, superficial bookworms that make us wonder: how could all the great and wise words about the Mother of Man leave the heart cold and set the mind to denial, rejection of this supreme female mission?
Of the respondents, 85% of married women said that for them family responsibilities and production activities are equally important. This is truly a sign of the times!
What conclusion can be drawn from all that has been said about single women and men? Is it possible and necessary to answer the question posed: misfortune or fault - loneliness? It seems that there are no guilty here, there are only victims: from the war, from the conditions of life, from short-sighted upbringing, from the inherent properties of character. .. And yet it is not quite so: fatality can be completely overcome by those who will feel the heart,an earthly purpose - to love an dear person, to give life, light and joy to a new being. Then the will is revealed, and the skill will be found. There would be a desire, there will be happiness.