Our merits as a continuation of our shortcomings

What does this mean? I love passionately, passionately, and deliberately pretend to be indifferent to attentive, so as not to seem ill-mannered, "uncultured"?I hate all the fibers of my soul, but I smile pleasantly and shake hands? Do I behave in such a way that I do not touch anyone with a lively, hot, cold, sour, or sweet?

But after all, what good can "culture" strangle in its embrace "nature"?This danger is unreasonable. The most refined style of behavior in an aristocratic society often turned into a cover, under which the immorality, heartlessness, indifference and even fear of natural feelings were skillfully hidden.

In our understanding, the culture of the senses is by no means a suppression of them and not a charming pretense. On the contrary, the conscious desire to discover, develop in itself all the abilities and possibilities of subtle feeling, to enrich their existence with all the colors, inflorescences and consonances of the earthly world, so that the world can be more than gifted, than to share with loved ones and loved ones, with all who wish to receivethe accumulated wealth of the soul. A genuine culture of feelings is a spiritual need to sympathize, compassion for all living things and beings, the ability to comprehend and. .. the sky shudders, And the angels' flight, And the reptile of the sea underwater, And the vines are riddled with vines.

If there is no such internal need - no curtsey, raincoat and sword will make us a people of high culture of feelings. We will look like knights for an hour, princesses for a minute, whose "decorum", like other people's clothes, usually fall off at the first serious collision with life.

The question arises: how practically in daily, hourly communication is the culture of feelings manifested?

Tell me if I need to explain that intonations, looks, gestures, smiles, poses can be pleasant and annoying, regardless of who, where and when produces them, pronounces, demonstrates. Rough roar, tedious grumbling, angular, erratic movements, an evil, gloomy look, ironic grins - all these external manifestations of momentary mental discomfort or a certain property of character not only do not promote mutual understanding, sympathy, but, on the contrary, push one person away from the other. And most importantly - prevent this gloomy, rude, clumsy person from seeing people without oppressive shor, without distortion. There is a law of feedback. We themselves involuntarily become irritable when they speak to us in an agitated tone. A snide squint causes unreasonable anxiety, a desire to refute something, it is not known what to prove to anyone, and even to brush it off: "I hear it from this!" And on the contrary, kindness, openness make even an eternally cloudy person a little thaw, enlighten soul.

So, one can say with full thoroughness that we have a lot of such treatment and attitude, which we ourselves provoke or deserve.(The great Russian physiologist AA Ukhtomsky has even a special definition of this phenomenon: "Honored interlocutor.") To a closed, suspicious rusk, everything around turns into a barred side of nature. With a thoughtless merry fellow, they all become a little bit of a wind. Naturally, as much as the temperament, type of reactions and degree of education bring to us these transformations.

Perhaps, we will put the practical rules for "cultivating" natural feelings:

is the first: to meet each person as a promise of a miracle, as a mysterious and beautiful stranger, to seek and unearth this mystery and miracle with the perseverance of the prospector, do not give up even whenthere is only one empty breed, and at the same time turn yourself to it with the best of its sides;

the second: to select and remember everything that once and somewhere seemed beautiful, worthy of imitation;

third: take into account the place and time for the manifestation of certain feelings. The lack of timeliness and irrelevance of even the noblest feelings is one of the signs of lack of culture;

the fourth: to consider and appreciate not only similar reactions and behavior, but also different from them. First of all, to provide for a difference in sex and age;

fifth: to know that the culture of the senses refines the perception of the world, and therefore makes us more vulnerable. But at the same time they are more resistant to trials, because it helps to regulate their emotions, find ways to heal wounds, to get out of the corkscrew with the help of self-awareness, self-education, will.

In other words, the culture of feelings helps us not only to love truly humanly, but also to suffer humanly. And this is the most useful science. After all, who does not know how to fall, will not learn to fly.

The ability to suffer courageously, proudly, steadfastly and even beautifully is one of the signs of a morally and aesthetically educated personality.

If we mentally reproduce all the above-mentioned rules for educating a culture of feelings, will we not find their similarity to the requirements of youthful friendship or even first love. Maybe these feelings are the embodiment of the ideal of human relations. It is no accident that in the Moral Code of the builders of communism, as the commandment of all the best people of mankind, words are written about the fact that we all must become friends for each other as friends, brothers, friends.

Where to start the movement towards this ideal? What starts any business: from studying the "subject".And this object is our organism, its feelings, properties, emotions. Whether we want to achieve business prosperity, whether we want to become personalities, whether we want to understand the culture of behavior - we need to start from the knowledge of our nature. At least in general and basic features: what is temperament, character, how they manifest themselves.

Our body is a complex instrument with a special mood and harmony. He is like a violin, from which a skillful hand can extract the most delicate and deep sounds, and the unskillful - only the strings torment, will upset the instrument, but nothing, except the squeak of the woods, will eradicate. The most elementary knowledge of his mood is knowledge about temperaments: choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic and melancholic. Further - a more complex gradation by types of higher nervous activity.

When I once spoke about this in the classroom of high school students, it turned out that very many have a very vague idea of ​​the most important qualities of human nature. But ignorance is half bad, unwillingness to know is the real misfortune.

- And where can I get the time when the curriculum is overloaded? We do not see fresh air, we do not visit the forest.

This mourning would be quite fair, if precious time was wasted for empty sessions, long seats in front of the TV.And this is a reliable fact: schoolchildren are the most active visitors to detective films, the most inveterate readers of adventure and fiction. And at the same time, unclaimed books that are important for life, its reasonable device, without which there is no talking about any culture, are gathering dust in the libraries. For example, the works of the great physiologist IP Pavlov, devoted to the study of types of higher nervous activity.

- Hence, we need to study drooling and sowing at the signal, in order to know how to build relationships between each other?- found the mocking question not at all merry and - alas!- A frequent ignorance of the great discoveries made by our compatriot in a more complex sphere than conditioned and unconditioned reflexes.

- Can a choleric woman fall in love with phlegmatic? And what will happen if they suddenly think of getting married?

They may well fall in love with the family. But it is for them that the first condition of well-being should be a culture of feelings and relations, which is expressed primarily in the fact that both understand and respect their dissimilarity, they know the natural characteristics of the characters. Otherwise - a disaster.

I remembered the story of one family, almost falling apart because of this typological inconsistency and ignorance.

Some young woman came to me and told me that she married in passionate love with complete reciprocity. And her education with her husband is the same, and the moral representations are no different. But now she is convinced every day more and more that their marriage is a mistake. It is necessary to disperse, but there is no strength to part because they are strongly attached to each other. Not in the main, but in everyday affairs, they do not have the consent. Constant confrontation, scratching of the soul and nerves. What for? From what? And can it be overcome? She herself can not think of anything except. .. a divorce.

I suggested that she read the popular psychological literature. She read several books, came for another portion. I advised her to study more thoroughly: "Etudes about the nature of man" and "Studies of optimism" by II Mechnikov, still our contemporaries: AE Leontyev, IS Kon and VL Levy. I look, my friend has taken a great interest, began to come already with inquiries more thoughtful. And she herself changed: she became less irritable, less easy to quarrel.

As she admitted later, she discovered that not because of stupid and malicious stubbornness the husband resisted many home innovations and changes, did not like it when she started moving things from place to place, looking for new acquaintances and new ways of entertainment and recreation. He opposed it because of the natural characteristics of his nature. He, it turns out, the main nervous processes proceed slowly, with great inertia. Quality is, as science assures, not a lack and not worth, like any other human properties.

In her husband, this woman most appreciated the consistency, steadiness of views, attachments, loyalty( to friends, wife and decisions taken), the ability to give in to the business started. And a lot of other important and pleasant properties, she always found with him. Now I found out that all of them, like the "inflexibility, home conservatism" that irritates her, have the same root - this very stability, the inertia of the nervous processes. Hence, indeed, our dignity is nothing but a continuation of our shortcomings, and vice versa.

She became the same way to analyze other qualities of her husband's character and saw that many of her claims, if they were executed, could irreparably damage the physical and spiritual health of a loved one. For example, she read that for one man the cause of the illness( stomach ulcer), and then the death was the wife's passion for frequent travel from place to place without special need. When the wife exchanged apartments for the third time, the husband finally got off and did not get up. And my acquaintance with fright admitted that it was a complicated inter-city exchange, against which the husband "for some reason" resolutely rebelled. And then she was going to divorce him.

The next stage of this psychological literacy campaign was the introduction of the spouse to the discoveries made by his wife. All the attention of this couple was focused not on clarifying mutual mistakes and defects in behavior, but on neutralizing contradictions, cultivating virtues. Because they deducted and such an indispensable condition of success in the preservation of good feelings and relationships: the desired result is achieved more easily, simply and painlessly if the spouses rely on the positive, strengths of their "half" in their educational activities, rather than poking their fingers into flaws.

And they took for themselves the rule: soften your smile, joke any of your comments, suggestions, wishes. Family affairs and themselves are not simple, but sometimes painful. If you also manage them with a gloomy, hostile look, then life will seem joyless and dull. The ability to relieve tension with an appropriate joke, "beat" some threatening quarrel episode - this is also an element of the culture of personal relationships.

To my question: was not this constant self-and mutual observation and regulation of behavior, of their emotions, of reactions by painful violence over their own nature, especially for the sake of preserving someone else's health in health, she responded with a resolute protest. The husband acted in exactly the same way. And in general, all these techniques only at first required self-control. Then they turned into conditioned reflexes, became a habit, second nature and ceased to be noticed at all. A completely new style of behavior was created, natural and unconstrained, even cheerful.

The acquired knowledge helped this family save the love. Moreover, this knowledge is necessary before creating a family for those who see and feel that a friend( friend) is different from him.

If desired, you can learn to extract immense information about another person, and then anticipate his reactions and behavior long before you get along with him in a common cause, not to mention physical intimacy. Any close cooperation, contact, as is known, is preceded by the time of acquaintance, care, fitting( in lovers - courtship time).Conversations, meetings, games, classes-involuntary "tests", tests, valuable food for observations and character evaluation.

However, at the first meetings and in the time of courtships people turn to each other for their best side. Moreover, they try to please someone they are interested in. Therefore, many disappointments come later, when communication becomes familiar and a friend or girlfriend appears in full coverage. So, for example, it happened with one young boy in love, when he discovered that his passion for his new familiar classical music was just a mask, worn to please him.

- The hypocrite!- He was indignant. - She, apparently, in all the same insincere.

And fell out, broke up with her. And he was rather unfair. And could check her sincerity on other actions and passions. Pretense of this kind is very rarely malicious. Most often - an unconscious likening to the desired pattern, in this case, someone who really likes. The girl, apparently, loved the young man and was ready to recognize everything that he admired as beautiful.

However, there are habits, inclinations, reactions that no sly master can change, a pretender can not. How a person moves, talks to strangers, how he eats, laughs, dresses - for these manifestations, the acquaintance will discover many things, and he will understand: whether to approach further, if clearly nothing good will come of it.

So, in the old days, the nature of the girl was determined by the way she holds buckets of water. Energetic, impetuous in the movements, and therefore changeable in the mood, in the habits, will never carry the buckets full, not splashing almost half along the road. Slowly it will carry full buckets, but it takes a long time. Dexterous, catchy and to the time will ripen and water will not spill.

Variegated, exotic-screaming clothing reveals a desire to attract attention at all costs in the same way as demonstratively cheeky movements. And what is hidden behind this: is it a bad taste, or deeper phenomena like a lack of confidence in its attractiveness, or, on the contrary, conviction: everything is allowed to me and so it will come down - this can also be clarified by some physiological signs, such as, for example,in the shoulders or proudly raised, chest squeezed in front of the hands or shoulders spread apart. Even on a handshake, lethargic or energetic, you can guess the character of the person with whom you communicate.

Modern psychologists are convinced: all psychic phenomena are closely related to physiology, and vice versa.

Now we have to consider those features of a culture of feelings and relationships that are related to age and gender.

What is the difference between an adult person and a teenager or boy?

Special rights: to command, demand, indicate to younger family members. The right to do what it takes: adults forgive all weaknesses, even vices, and children are expected to have perfect behavior. Seniors can deceive, and be lazy, and swear, and smoke and drink, and find an excuse for everything. Only juniors are strictly forbidden. So some of your contemporaries argue.

Adults primarily have responsibilities: to be responsible for everything that is created by them, with them, around them. To be honest workers, breadwinners of small and old, support and protection of the fatherland, family, be a good example to the offspring. So others think.

It is also not noticed today: everyone chooses a standard according to his own idea of ​​good and bad. So your peers interpret the concept of adulthood differently and follow the chosen pattern. Some people cultivate the strength and dignity of adults, from a small age take on the serious worries and concerns of close people, sometimes enough for other people's woes. Others gladly hand over responsibilities to the elders, appropriating the right to shortcomings and weaknesses, not realizing that the conscientious elders do not have and did not have this imaginary right to vices. Spiritually mature struggles with its own weaknesses and shortcomings, overcomes them. The immature is justified and even boasts of vice. Therefore, copying the immature, adolescents will never rise up to their true adulthood, they will remain as old as they are.

Recently, a significant problem for parents and teachers has been the hobby of some teenagers with cigarettes and spirits. It's no secret to any of you that getting involved in these bad inclinations is usually very painful. Some are staunchly and courageously, if these words are used here, they struggle with their nature, with headaches, vomiting, disgust, in order to learn how to dizzily smoke with a cigarette and deftly "overturn" a glass. The older generation did not really escape these temptations, but it was still in error about the serious consequences of both hobbies. Your generation has already heard about these quiet killers of men, which affect not only the smokers and alcoholics themselves, but also affect the physical and moral health of the offspring.

Why does a modern literate teenager take a cigarette in his mouth without experiencing any natural need to swallow smoke and poison, knowing about its grave consequences?

- Out of curiosity.

- From the desire to become an adult sooner.

- For fear of being called "mama's son" or "daughter"

- From imitation to popular film and literary heroes

- This is a sign of modernity, like negligence, familiarity in the communication of young men and girls.

How much can tell about the character of a young man the degree of resistance to these and similar vices!

We have already talked about how strongly the eyes, tastes, and preferences of adolescents are affected by their environment, the peer group. And the degree of this influence first of all gives the observant eye the degree of adulthood of one or another subject: a boy and a girl are very active, even if his beard and mustache have grown, and she has all the external signs of an adult girl. The influence has been weakened - that means that the person is husbanding. It manifests its own position - the personality is erupting.

The same story in relations between sexes. Lightness, carelessness in the loving relationships of girls and boys is based on the same misconceptions, on which the desire to overcome the prohibition of smoking and drinking is held. It is known that even animals have selectivity, and not omnivority in sexual intercourse. They also have "courtship" time, and certain rituals that adorn the act preceding the appearance of the offspring. Read what the naturalist researchers write: it turns out that the fish in the aquarium do not unite without interest and parsing. The wise mother nature taught them this. A person should also be specifically taught this: selectivity, beauty, intelligence, timeliness and the appropriateness of physical rapprochement.