• On life difficulties and critical situations in the family

    Analysis of the motives for divorce shows that they reflect the subjective assessment of the divorce process through the eyes of each of the spouses. As a rule, the culprit of the misfortune is the other side. Therefore, it is impossible to draw any objective conclusions about the very difficulties of married life. It creates the false impression that their family simply does not. The motives for divorce are most likely a subjective justification for themselves and for the court of the taken decision to terminate a marriage with a particular person. To create a more or less objective picture of unfavorable processes in a married life, it is necessary to analyze the difficulties that the spouses encounter in their family life. Apparently, one should proceed from the simple and almost self-evident position that life itself is difficult, that is, it is associated with the constant overcoming of certain obstacles.

    Any activity, study, mastering a profession is also connected with overcoming countless difficulties.

    Work itself is inevitably associated with a certain effort, nervous tension, some obstacles, difficulties, significant expenditure of physical strength and psychophysical energy. While it is not clear what appeared first in our language: the word "labor" or "difficult", but their deep semantic and undoubted.

    It's hard for a kid to learn to walk, it's very difficult to learn how to hold a spoon in your hands and dress yourself. It is very difficult, especially in the first days, in the first weeks, to be in the kindergarten in the distance from my mother. It is difficult to learn how to write, read, solve mathematical problems. Therefore, it takes effort, constant training to develop certain skills and abilities.

    The concept of " life difficulty " is important for us in order to better and more accurately characterize the psychological and social maturity of the individual. Preparedness of man, his ability to overcome any life difficulties - one of the most important indicators of maturity. The difficulties of marriage and family life are very diverse. In the joint activities of the spouses, they are completely surmountable. Therefore, when we analyze the problems of marriage and family, it is especially important for us the ability and ability of the spouses to overcome various life difficulties.

    It goes without saying that the different material and housing provision of the family can be reflected in the mind of the spouses in a completely different way. For example, earnings in the amount of 180-200 rubles.can seem to one very decent and high enough, and the other - low. Therefore, any life difficulties, subjectively reflected in the psyche of the spouses, create an uneven mental tension, a different attitude, which is reflected in real behavior.

    The fact that for one of the spouses can be a subject of heavy experiences, for another - an ordinary everyday event, which, although it causes negative emotions, but a little heat.

    Apparently, a relatively independent issue is the degree, so to speak, of a person's training, that is, how he is prepared to overcome difficulties by the whole preceding life. It is this circumstance that often determines the unusual vitality of particularly talented figures of science and art who "made themselves" by overcoming various kinds of obstacles and difficulties. Such an example is Martin Eden in the novel of Jack London. He overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Life itself prepared him for overcoming new and new obstacles on his way to his dream.

    So, from a psychological point of view, we are talking about the stress-resistance of a person, and in a simple everyday plan - about its viability. The process of life itself becomes a "university" for a person. To achieve this, he must learn to overcome difficulties that are almost inevitable in life.

    Overcoming difficulties is necessarily associated with mental stress. People with different strengths of the nervous system can withstand different mental stresses. In this case it is a question of various possibilities of the individual successfully or unsuccessfully to cope with difficulties and obstacles.

    So, when we talk about a person's ability to overcome certain life difficulties, one should consider: a) the strength of the nervous system;b) the state of mental health;c) subjective perception of difficulties;1) the efforts, the stresses necessary to overcome difficulties;e) the degree of social learning in overcoming difficult life situations.

    It will be quite logical to separate everyday life difficulties from those when important problems for this marriage stumps of the family at a certain stage are simply unsolvable( for example, inability to obtain housing, very low material prosperity).They can be designated as critical life situations. They are the most dangerous for marriage and family, as they create a situation of constant dissatisfaction with the basic needs of the spouses, which in turn leads to chronic mental stress.

    Critical life situations vary in time duration( for example, a housing problem is unsolvable for spouses for many years).Naturally, the content and nature of the critical life situation depend on what kind of need is not satisfied.

    Spouses may have simultaneous difficulties of a very different nature: material, housing, conflicts with the parents of one or the other party, various difficulties at work, a lack of time, illnesses of children and their own ill health, impossibility or difficulty with the child's placement in kindergarten, Consequently, the human psyche should be ready to withstand simultaneous difficulties and deprivations. In the current situation, everything again depends on the degree of mental stress created by life difficulties, their duration, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, on the state of mental health of a given person, on the type of nervous system and temperament.

    Here it is necessary to make a reservation that this or that person can be able to overcome difficulties alone, organizing all his activities and behavior to achieve this goal. However, the same person sometimes can not do this together with someone, that is, he does not have the skills of cooperative, cooperative behavior that is characteristic of family interaction. Consequently, there is a specific number of difficulties related to human relationships, with the skills and abilities to act together, collectively. Strictly speaking, we are talking about the difficulties of joint activities, where there are rules and regulations, rights and responsibilities, division of labor, common goals and objectives. Similar joint activities are also characteristic of family life.

    Difficulties and critical life situations can cause stress or crisis in one or both spouses, which are characterized by varying strength and degree of mental stress. From the point of view of medical psychology and psychiatry, various life difficulties and critical life circumstances are interpreted as psychotraumatic factors.

    Thus, the family creates a purely negative psychological situation. In such circumstances, quarrels and conflicts between spouses acquire special destructive force. In this connection, it is necessary to re-evaluate the motives of divorce in a fundamentally new way, as a purely subjective reflection of all those difficulties and critical situations that the spouses encounter in their common marriage life. Behind those motives that appear in divorce cases are hidden deep socio-economic and socio-psychological factors that can destroy family life. It is objectively connected with a wide variety of difficult and critical situations. Very often, the stresses caused by the objective difficulties of family life become chronic, and negative emotions are permanent and stable. Each of the spouses accumulates a feeling of dissatisfaction with the marital life. The nature of the joint life is such that involuntarily in the minds of the spouses difficulties are associated with the identity of the other marriage partner. Thus, he gradually becomes an official "of those unfavorable conditions in which the family turned out to be. Let's recall the traditional, stereotypical accusations of wives against husbands: "You can not provide a family."It is only natural that the one to whom some unfair accusations are put forward makes attempts to justify himself. Thus, the basis for quarrels and conflicts is obvious. So there is a "snowball phenomenon", when one conflict generates an endless chain of others. The spouses turn to criticism of each other's personal characteristics, emotional insults and humiliations begin in emotional quarrels, which painfully hurt one's self-esteem, the most painful and most sensitive part of our "I".