The Illusion of Mutual Evaluation

Usually in lectures in large auditoriums I show with the fingers the letter "" - and I say:

- Here is a couple in front of us. Tell me, does everyone turn before the wedding in relation to the other with their positive sides or negative?

I put questions, as Socrates taught in his time, that is, so that the person gave me the correct answer. I do not need to conduct strictly scientific surveys on this score, because there was not yet a case when one of the audience would say that they were supposed to be negative. Everyone says that they are positive. And in fact, if I liked a person, then I want him too.like, otherwise he will not deal with me.

- The positive is demonstrated, - we unanimously decide together with the audience.

And now a curve appears on the board. A curve showing their positive qualities. She is steadily tearing up. And together with it positive impressions about the person accumulate. So this is the "charm curve".

Let's clarify, this is a curve of demonstrating new positive qualities for a partner and recognizing these new qualities for him.

- Well, does the negative open or hide?- I ask further.

The answer is again the one that I need - "hiding".And the explanation: I want to please, so why should I show my negative qualities immediately. But sewing in a sack can not be hidden. And the curve of cognition of negative qualities in a person( "krivayarazocharovaniya") also goes up. But she is not in a hurry, but as if crawling.

These curves will intersect later.

Again call for help from Socrates.

- Before the wedding, people communicate mostly in problems or in entertainment?

Chorus of voices amicably:

- In entertainments.

- And do funes or minuses show up faster?

- Pros, of course. ..

I agree: the pros are revealed sooner. Here at a picnic he hides his favorite leg with a blanket. And she in return gives him a grateful look. ..

Let's agree now on some artistic formalization of the dialogue. In the ancient Greek tragedy there were two characters: "chorus" and "coryphaeus."They commented on what was happening and conducted a dialogue. I did not accidentally use the word "Chorus".I just replaced the word "coryphaeus" with the word "Socrates" - so much more interesting. That is, that Socrates is a coryphaeus, it is understandable. Well, Hor - he is in his place. At the same time, this is a real chorus of voices. And I will work for Socrates. Let the reader excuse me for this and not reproach me for "megalomania".It is convenient to blossom the text and, in fact, it is quite normal.

So, Socrates asks with my mouth:

- Well, after the wedding, do we communicate more in problems or in entertainments?

Chorus:

- In problems.

- And in problems, - Sokrat, who lives in me, tries to find out, - more advantages or disadvantages are revealed "?

- Cons, sighs Chorus

And I again agree and add: here there was a problem - to take a summer residence or to refuse... So, the questions how to get the right amount

And here HE declares that he will not get into debts, and the voice is not affectionate at the same time, but she reproaches him that other, normal, husbands get into debt- the whole world lives on credit. ..

Curves cross.] Let's see why. .. And because it's positiveFor me, the quality of the spouse has been demonstrated, they have already been recognized by me and do not represent anything new. So the curve of charm is now "slowly and sadly" decreasing. He already read all the poems that he knew goes on the second circle. No, this quality in him is everythingPoems that he had learned well before, he did not forget, but that does not add to him the new charm in her eyes.

But new negative qualities for me are becoming more and more recognized. She was so sweet, and suddenly - sarcasm. And he was generous, but now his generosity has turned into extravagance in relation to "not to us."Therefore, I called the second curve a "frustration curve".

As can be seen on the graph, the charm curve now slides down. A curve of disappointment climbs to its acme, peak.

What happens next with the curves?

The curve of charm became close to the axis of abscissas. In addition, seeks a curve of disappointment after his acme. This in itself is significant and interesting. But that is not all. With further psychological analysis, we are still waiting for discoveries.

Let's return to the Socrates method.

- What is more acute experienced by people: new or long known?

- New, - many-voiced Chorus. ..

- And what is newer in our process: positive or negative?

- Negative newer, - the verdict of Hor.

Before we tweak the curves, let's investigate further. What is more acute: negative or positive, which is harder to get used to?

"When I was young, I ran to a column in the township for cold water;but now, if they turn off the hot one, I'll swear. .. ", the young man recalls.

And more young and very active admitted that right after his marriage he traveled with his wife all the old and new acquaintances he did not have at the wedding. Everyone shouted "any".And those who could not "travel", he talked gaily about the beauty of his wife. But his enthusiasm over time became less and less violent and less loud, so now he generally speaks only on occasion that, yes, of course, a beautiful wife. .. And this "beautiful wife" sounds all the quieter.

So, we get used to positive sooner than to negative. Because we got a positive - that's all. What is there to further develop the activity. .. It is less acutely experienced. .. Simply given: it should be so, they say.

And it's harder to get used to the negative. The nail in the boot, according to Mayakovsky, is "more terrible than Goethe's imagination".It must be pulled out, it must be disposed of.

We sum up: the negative is experienced more sharply, because the impressions here are newer and because from this negative one must be eliminated. These forces are added up. And even if positive and negative, objectively speaking, equally, negative impressions become leading.

Let's try, of course, very approximately, to display this on our diagrams.

The rice line with a fat line shows that positive impressions depreciate over time. A black fat line is exaggeratedly bent upwards - negative impressions are strengthened in comparison with the past.

Important point. It seems that "he" "seemed" good, but "turned out to be" bad. Well, firstly, this is enough to divorce, And secondly: maybe he "deliberately", maybe he misled. .. Then even more so. With equal success, this is also applicable to not to him, but to her. .. with amendments to the gender of the person. ..

We will, however, clarify. It was the same as it is now. The whole fault is more an unconscious game than a conscious deception. He, like her, showed advantages. And here you are - a mutual illusion in mutual evaluation.

Helps to create an illusion of mutual evaluation and the so-called halo effect. Demonstration of positive qualities creates an aura of pleasant, interesting and generally positive person. Now this attitude prevents beginners from perceiving the disadvantages and facilitates the perception of pluses. The illusion that a person is "optimal" is strengthened. Disappointment, sobering occurs after a while. And when all the minuses appeared, a halo of the bad man is created, and in this halo those pluses that once prevailed are paled.

But. .. the halo effect is secondary. Without the initial aspiration to demonstrate the pluses and hide the minuses and without the minuses vsetaki got out, where would the Haloes come from - first positive, and then negative. And yet the mechanism of psychological illusion "seemed to be" the halo effect included.

We generally live in a world of illusions, which constantly have to be corrected. In all the amendments are made. The sun at the zenith seems smaller than at sunrise and sunset. To ancient astronomers it seemed that the Sun revolves around the Earth, but it turned out, as Galileo Galilei established, that the Earth revolves around the Sun. So, with regard to marriage, we declare that we need to make amendments. After all, how does a person decide?. . There is a failure, no luck. It seemed so, but it turned out to be different. It seemed and was. So, we need to look for more. And further. Until we find what we need. To without deception. A real man. His. The fact that I myself is the same that I myself am not ideal, that I have symmetrical negative features - this is ignored. And the fact that in another version with easy variations will be the same is also ignored. And everything would be fine. Let even in these illusions and life pass - the romance. .. While the negative will open, we'll poke. And then again the illusion. Well, let it: until the negative opens, we'll poke again. So life will pass in "eternal high".Yes, other realities are intertwined. Children. Property, especially real estate, if it is considerable, and efforts to make it big, were serious. Years lived. General biography. General photos.

And so let's be aware of the illusory nature of the evaluations and the repeatability of them. Let's understand the following:,