Participation of the child in family matters

In the old days, most people worked on the ground and lived on the fruits of their labor, so the basic principle of any family, applied to both adults and children, was: "Who does not work, he does not eat".

But the society, constantly developing, passed from the simplest forms of existence to more complex ones, and gradually people forgot what it means to live on the ground, to see the results of their work, to fulfill their duties and to benefit their family and society.

In many modern families, children do not participate in family matters and do not help in the household. If they remove in their room and put toys in their place, then this is regarded as an achievement. But often children do not want to fulfill even such minimal duties.

If it is difficult for parents to get their children cleaned in their room, then one can imagine what will happen next when they have to carry out more serious and responsible assignments. Adults know that any request to help around the house will be perceived with hostility, so they do not even try to attract a child to work. It is better to remove it yourself in the nursery or just close the door there, so as not to see dirt and confusion.

But remember the "good old days", when everyone did something useful for the community and was aware of its importance. Where did this priceless experience disappear? In modern society, it is more difficult for a person to realize his own importance, because the benefits he brings are not as obvious as they were in the agrarian era, but it is important for our self-esteem to feel our own usefulness.

Remember your children when they were three - four years old - they wanted to help you in everything: wash the floors, wash, prepare, tidy up the bed. They enthusiastically took up any case, they wanted to learn everything.

Where did all this go? Why can not you now get these same children to help you around the house? Because from an early age the child's natural desire to learn new things, helping the elders, was stopped. Parents wanted everything to be done "right", that is, neatly and quickly, and perhaps they felt sorry for the time to mess with the child who wanted to help them.

We forget that when a child wants to help us, he really wants to learn something new. Parents deprive children of the opportunity to learn good, for example, to participate in family affairs and help around the house, thereby preventing them from finding positive ways to assert themselves.

First, children learn to be useful to their family. A wrong education parents achieve only one thing: the child can not do anything and does not want to do it himself, because he constantly expects that everything will be done for him by Mom and Dad. Think about how hard it will be for your children when they grow up, if they do not learn to help others and think not only about themselves, but about others.

Modern parents too often refuse to help children, referring to the fact that they are tired, they have no time or they want everything to be done quickly and correctly. For example, when a two-year-old assistant is burning with a desire to wash dishes, his mother immediately discourages him: "Do not. I'll do it myself. You're too small. "This is the first step to eradicating the natural child desire to learn and benefit the family.

And when a child becomes a teenager, parents are surprised why he does not want to get off the couch to help bring a package of food to the house. This is the result of parents' wrong actions when they did not allow their young child to participate in household chores.

No one denies that modern parents are very busy. And when they refuse the offer of the child to help them, first of all proceed from the fact that the work in this case will take more time - because any home business, for example washing dishes, the child perceives as a game. In addition, he can break something or wash the dishes not clean enough. That's why parents tend to take the child with something else, do the work themselves and forget about it. In addition, we often take too much care of the result. Of course, a child will not do the job as quickly and accurately as a mom or dad, so parents do not even give him the opportunity to help them.

If you know yourself in this approach to education, then it's time to start working on the mistakes. Do not remove children from household chores, do not send them to watch TV while you cook dinner or wash dishes. Give them the opportunity to feel useful and necessary members of the family. If you do not do this now, while the children are small, then retraining them will be much more difficult. In addition, becoming older, they will find other ways of self-assertion - whining, whims, bad behavior.

Allow the baby to wash the dishes. After all, you can clean it up later, when he goes to bed. By depriving the child of positive ways of self-affirmation, you leave him no choice. And how else can he attract your attention and be convinced of your own worth, if not by cries, whims and whining?

Every person is important to feel that in the family he is valued and loved. We need the sense of our own importance and usefulness as air. And if you can not achieve this creative action, then the course is destructive. In the example below, we show how a change in the parents' reaction to a child's desire to help them affect family relationships.

For several months Cathy has been trying to accustom her seven-year-old daughter to the table. She already persuaded her, and promised encouragement, and constantly reminded her of her request, but everything was in vain.

Often Cindy started to set the table, but then distracted and did not bring it to the end, which was very angry Cathy. She decided to leave this venture and put it on the table herself, expressing her irritation to her daughter. In response, the girl just shrugged and went to watch TV.

But one day Katie had a new opportunity to re-educate her daughter. One evening, while she was bathing her younger sons, Cindy came into the bathroom and asked if she could make a fruit salad for dinner.

At first, Cathy wanted to say no, but then, remembering the principles mentioned in this article, she readily agreed: "Thank you! Of course, prepare us a fruit salad. "Cathy washed the kids and went into the kitchen. The salad was ready: my daughter cut the fruit into a salad bowl, poured them yogurt, chocolate syrup and mixed everything thoroughly. But the most amazing thing is that the girl covered the table!

However, the fruit salad did not taste very appetizing, but it turned out delicious and everyone liked it. Dad also appreciated it.

Parents praised the salad and thanked Shin-di for their help. The girl just shone with happiness. Even now, she sets the table without reminders every evening. Parents note that her behavior has improved significantly, and this is not surprising. Cindy found her place in the family, now she feels its importance. And Cathy needed only to believe in her daughter and not to stop her from acting on her own.

If Cathy answered "no" to the daughter's request, it would sound like a few negative messages:

• "You will not succeed";

• "I do it better than you";

• "I do not believe that you can do this."Of course, parents explain failure with fatigue, problems at work or hurry, but this does not change the negative impact that such subliminal messages have on children. Allow the child to do all possible homework, not focusing on her results or at the time of the assignment. Constantly tell the children that you appreciate their help and count on it.

But do not overdo it, because children are very sensitive to any falsity. A few phrases are enough to thank the kid and let him know that he really helped you. For example:

• "Thank you for helping me lay down my underwear";

• "You diligently washed together with your dad a car. Look how clean she is now ";

• "I'm so tired at work. Thank you for covering the table with no reminders. You helped me a lot";

• "Well done! You washed the dishes very cleanly. "

You can not tell a lie. For example, if the fruit salad that Cindy cooked was not very tasty, the parents would try it and thanked the girl for her efforts, and also for what she laid on the table.

You have certainly noticed that taking part in family affairs helps the child not only develop a sense of responsibility and learn how to do housework, but also become more attentive to others. For example, helping you cook dinner, the child learns to appreciate what others are doing for him, and understands: in a harmonious relationship, one must not only receive, but also give.

In the example below, we show what happens when parents pamper children, do not teach them to think about others and help their loved ones.

Donna caught a cold and was so weak that she could not even get out of bed. Her eight-year-old daughter, Megan, accustomed to think only of herself, did not give her any rest. When Donna said that she would not be able to read a fairy tale for her at night, as usual, Megan was very unhappy.

The girl began to exhaust her mother with whining and whims, so that, in spite of everything, she nevertheless revered her a fairy tale. Soon, Methan made a real scandal: she cried loudly, cried, stomped and rolled on the floor.

Usually in such situations, Donna was inferior to her daughter, but now she simply did not have the strength to even move, let alone get out of bed and read fairy tales. Therefore, she had no choice but to ignore Meagan's vagaries. In the end, the girl was tired of being capricious and fell asleep on the floor next to her mother's bed.

That evening, in the relationship between Donna and Megan, an important change occurred. Mom realized that if you do not pay attention to vagaries, they will sooner or later cease. My daughter fell asleep herself, and my sick mother did not have to reassure her with fairy tales.

How should a child behave in this situation? Of course, parents want him to show understanding and sympathy, to help them, instead of trying at all costs to insist on his own. A sensitive, responsive child in such a situation will be able to put himself in the mother's place, understand what is bad for her now, and will try to help something.

If you teach children to be responsible and take care of others, then this behavior will soon become a habit for them. The parents' task is to create by their own example and with the help of the "cause-effect" method the children have the concept that they should help around the house and participate in family affairs. This is especially true when someone is sick or needs help.

The sooner you begin to teach the child responsibility, the less you will have problems in the future. Awaken in children the desire to participate in family affairs and benefit can be in several ways. We have already talked about some of them, but let us recall once again.

• If the task is not performed, use the consequences that he deserved by his act.

• Ask the child for help and, if he refuses, do not force him, but just express the hope that he will help you next time.

• Children should participate in the distribution of household responsibilities between family members.

• Let the child help you decide what kind of consequence it expects for an unfulfilled task.

• Do not remind children what and when they need to do.

Here are some examples of the consequences that come into effect if this or that homework is not performed:

Homework	Consequence of
The child forgot to wash the dishes or take out the garbage.	Mom does not cook dinner, because the kitchen is a mess.
The child did not set the table.	Cooked food is taken to the refrigerator until the next meal.
The child did not put dirty clothes in the laundry basket.	Only laundry from the basket is laid in the washing machine, the scattered clothes remain dirty.
The child did not clean in his room.	Parents put scattered toys in garbage bags and take them out of the room. After a while things can be returned.
The child has not vacuumed.	Dad himself vacuums in the rooms and deducts from the pocket money of the child the amount due for work.

Nothing so brings up the child's independence, like a mother with a broken leg!

When a mother can not do all the homework, the child has to take on household chores. We have seen from personal experience that most children are happy to take on new responsibilities and are willing to do housework.

To teach a child to help around the house, one must be firm and persevering. It is also important to note positive tendencies and praise children for their efforts.

Here are some tips to help you be consistent.

• Adhere to established consequences. In other words, if you said that you can not cook in a dirty kitchen, do not cook. Stay adamant even when the child immediately starts to wash the dishes and rushes to throw out the garbage.

• Do not be tempted to remind the child of the consequences that will occur if he does not fulfill his household duties on time. This degrades your dignity. Determine what the consequences will be, once and strictly follow your promise.

• Do not allow indulgence. Stay strong and be kind to the child, but do not forget about the goal - with the help of the consequences to teach him that inattention to his duties will not get away with.

• Do not enter into a dispute with the child and do not justify the consequences. Believe me, children themselves know perfectly well that they did wrong. Apply what should follow, and continue to do your own thing.

• If the child begins to wrangle and whine, do not give in. Keep a neutral position, show kindness and show that you are surprised by such behavior. Surely the child just did not understand that his whims can lead to this result.

• Always express the hope that the next time the child will improve. Say: "Let's see what will happen next time."And do not go back to this topic. This decision shows the child that you trust him and he will have the opportunity to improve. It is very important for children to know that they will have a chance to do everything right.

And now consider the operation of the above principles by example.

You ask your thirteen-year-old son to help you bring food from the car. Most likely, he begins to whine and refuses or responds: "Now, only I will inspect the transfer."

You can react as you might normally do: order to get up off the couch and help you, start complaining that your son does not help you at all, or yell at him. This is what your child expects. So change the tactics. Try to catch him by surprise, kindly saying: "Well, help me next week," bring the purchases into the house yourself and do not say anything else.

In most cases, a child surprised by an unexpected answer will immediately hurry to help you. Take help for granted, do not crumble in thanks, just say "thank you".

It is difficult for parents to adopt this approach, because they are used to constantly struggle with children for influence in the family. For them, it is important not to bring products into the house, but to prove to the child and to himself who is in charge of the family.

Now we need to think about how to distribute homework and determine the consequences that children expect for disobedience. Choose a time when all the family members are assembled.

It will be fair to pull straws. The one who stretched the longest, chooses the homework first, then the others do the same until everyone gets the tasks.

Mom and Dad participate in the distribution of duties on a par with children. Next week, family members change their duties, so that everyone tries to do different jobs and does not think that he got the heaviest.

If you refuse the desire to show the child at any cost that you are in the house, the conflict dissipates. In a calm and benevolent tone, you open the way to cooperation. When parents behave in this way, the children more easily and quickly perceive the requirements and wishes.

If someone forgets to complete their task, then this is fraught with consequences( we have already told about some of them).You can invite children to discuss their own consequences for disobedience. You will be surprised when you find out what original and logically grounded suggestions your little helpers can come up with.

All family members should take part in making important decisions and establishing the rules. This helps children feel their importance and involvement in family affairs. Do not forget that you need to start teaching this child as early as possible.

Each family member must receive a task that is within his power. For example, the kid can not take out the garbage on his own, so let him help to do it to his mother, his older brother, or put a new bag in the garbage can. This applies to any homework: washing dishes, floors, ironing clothes and so on.

Many parents are interested in whether it is possible to pay a child for doing homework and to reduce the amount of pocket money if he did not fulfill it. We believe that this is wrong, because children should help their parents at home, guided by feelings of love and respect, and not for a fee. Otherwise, the child receives an incorrect message: "Parents think that I will not help around the house if I do not pay for it. So, if I want to do something good, I should be cajoled. "Agree, this is very unpleasant.

Pocket money is necessary for children to learn how to deal with them, orient themselves in prices, know how to save and spend them for the benefit of themselves and others. For pocket expenses every week you need to give a fixed amount, but this should not be a fee for the work done at home. Let the children know that they are waiting for their help, they count on it and appreciate it.

Assistance provided for money will not give the child a sense of unity with the family.

Nevertheless pocket money can be effectively used as consequences. But this does not mean that parents should take the child's money as punishment for uncompleted work at home. Let's remember the situation with Carol and her daughter Jody.

Jody wanted to go shopping with girlfriends, and cleaning the room was not part of her plans. She exhausted her mother with whining until she gave up and did not do all the work herself. Imagine what could have changed if Carol behaved differently.

So, the conflict develops according to a familiar scenario. Jody ignored Mom's request and went shopping, without doing anything around the house. But imagine that this time Carol does not react to the nagging daughter.

Mom does not respond to the daughter's demands to let her go for a walk with her friends. Jodi's words that she does all the housework and this is unfair, remain without comment. Both mother and daughter understand that the purpose of such statements is to offend mom and make her mad. In addition, Jody talks to Carol in a rude and disrespectful tone.

Jody leaves, taking Mom's silence for consent. Carol again has to do all the work herself, but this time she will apply the consequences.

On Sunday, handing out Jody pocket money, Carol keeps some of them. When the girl asks why the money is less than usual, the mother calmly explains: "When you went for a walk with your friends, I had to do your work, so I paid for my work."

"But you yourself argued that you can not" tie "pocket money to work around the house," - many will object, but Carol's actions do not contradict this statement. Jodie will receive pocket money in any case, regardless of whether she helpshome or not, but when the girl goes for a walk, knowing that now all the work for her will have to be done by her mother, then she in a certain sense "hires" her. Therefore, Carol has every right to take some of Jody's money as payment for her labor.

Carol could also hire an employee toshe would do the necessary work, pay her, and then show Jody a check and keep the amount indicated in it from her daughter's pocket money. The consequences are as follows: Mother does not pay her daughter for the work she did for her.family, and pay for it should not be, because in this case he gets the wrong message: "The only way to get you to do something good and useful is to pay."This attitude discourages the child from any desire to help parents and take care of other members of the family.

On the other hand, applying this effect, parents give the child to understand that if he does not do his job, then someone else must perform it. And the one who takes on someone's responsibilities deserves encouragement. You can additionally pay the children for the work that they perform in excess of their household duties of their own free will.

Applying such consequences, be laconic and do not argue. Your actions should not look like punishment. Explain to the child the situation in a calm and friendly tone: "You forgot to wash the dishes on Wednesday night, and I had to do it for you, so I kept two dollars from your pocket money for my work."

Carol has enough of her household chores to do the work for Jodi too. Therefore, if she has to work in addition, she can count on material compensation for the time and effort she has spent.

It's very simple! Now let the child think through the information. If you did everything right and did not break into screaming and accusations, you will soon notice the first results and changes in the behavior of the child.

A sense of usefulness and usefulness is the best remedy for whims and bad behavior. If the child knows that in the family he is loved and appreciated, he will help with pleasure and joy. Parents need only give him the opportunity to assert themselves, while benefiting and helping around the house.

Even if your family lives well and you can afford to keep a cook, a housekeeper and a gardener, there will still be household chores with which you can teach a child to be helpful and take care of others, for example, to go shopping, take care of a pet, playwith a younger brother, help in the kitchen, take out the garbage, water the flowers and so on. It is always possible to find a job for the child that will help him feel needed and bring tangible benefits to the family.

But do not just go about your household chores to teach your child to help others and benefit. Expand the range of useful cases, for example:

• If you regularly attend a church or are a member of a non-governmental organization, involve a child. He can very well carry out feasible instructions.

• If you are helping children from single-parent families or sick, think up a lesson for your child.

• Going to the nature, instruct the children to come up with moving games and lay down balls, rackets, skipping ropes and so on.

• Do not forget about grandmothers and grandfathers. Let the child visit them, write them a letter or make postcards to congratulate them on the holiday.

• When you invite guests or go for a visit, children can help in the kitchen, make guest cards, come up with a "concert" program, learn songs and dances.

• Older children can read junior tales and look after them during games.

• Invite the child to invite for the birthday of not only those children with whom everyone is friends, but also those who are not taken into the company.

• Encourage children to join a child organization, for example, to become a scout. Members of such organizations carry out various public work( cleaning parks and green spaces, assisting the elderly, and so on), and the child will understand what benefits society.

• It is good, if the child helps to get junk, glass containers, scrap metal.

• Have children cut promotional coupons with discount coupons. Use them when next time you go shopping, so that the children can see that they have helped to save money.

• Allow the children themselves to place the dishes on the table and choose cereal for breakfast.

• Instruct a child to take care of a pet, walk it and play with it.

• Have the children check whether the light, TV, music center and other electrical appliances are turned off when everyone leaves the house.

This is only a small part of the tasks that can be assigned to the child. Let the children create useful lessons for themselves. They will certainly pleasantly surprise you with their offers. Start such a conversation with the most important words that any child wants to hear from their parents: "I need your help."

There are many ways to give the child the opportunity to feel their own worth and benefit others. Even the simplest of the tasks listed will help to significantly improve the child's self-esteem and strengthen his faith in himself.

Offer children new ways to be useful, and you will be pleasantly surprised by the results. Self-esteem of the child will grow from the realization of the benefits that he brings to the family or society. Attract even useful children to useful things and praise them for their help, even if the result of their activities is far from ideal. Explain without haste and irritation, how best to do this or that job, do not give in to the temptation to remind you of your duties and achieve your goal.

When children feel that they need help, they are really appreciated and counted on, they help with joy and pleasure. Parental fatigue, impatience or the requirement that everything be done perfectly, can cross out even what you have already achieved.

Encouraging children to participate in family affairs, you eradicate nagging and bad behavior, because when a child feels his own importance and usefulness, then he has no need to be capricious.

Now it's time to apply all the described methods in practice.

The child should be sure that he is an important and irreplaceable member of the family.