Is punishment necessary?
The only sensible answer is this: the vast majority of conscientious and conscientious parents believe that from time to time the child needs to be punished. On the other hand, there are also such parents who do without punishment at all. Much depends on how the parents raised themselves. If they were punished rarely and for a good reason, they, naturally, will also punish their children. And if they were not punished at all, but managed to achieve good discipline, parents will find that they will be able to achieve the same with their children.
To be fair, we must admit that there are children who are behaving badly. Some such children are constantly punished by parents, others are not punished at all. Therefore, we can not say whether punishment is acting or not. It all depends on how parents in general represent a discipline.
Before continuing discussion of the issue of punishment, it must be emphasized that never is not the main tool of education - it is just an additional reminder that the instructions of the parents need to be fulfilled. We all know children who were constantly spanked, scolded and punished in every possible way and who continued to behave badly. Many of the criminals-recidivists spent half their youth in prison, but every time they left there, they immediately committed a new crime.
The main condition for good discipline is a loving family. You must be loved, and you must learn to answer love with love. We want to be kind and accommodating( most of the time), because we love others and want them to love us.(Criminals-recidivists are usually people who in childhood did not know love, but met only cruel treatment and therefore did not learn to love and respect others.) The child gradually ceases to take toys and agrees to share with others at about the age of three - not only because, that he is constantly reminded by his mother( although this works to some extent), but because he has developed certain feelings for other children: love for them and the ability to have fun in their society.
Another important condition is the strong desire of the child to be as much as possible similar to his parents. Particularly strenuous, the child develops courtesy, civilizedness and responsibility at the age of three to six years( see paragraphs 505 and 506).This is the period when the child is brought up the desire to help others, to be brave in danger, polite with women, responsibly treat the work, just like dad. At this age, the girl seeks to help around the house, she likes to mess with children( including dolls), she is affectionate towards other family members, just like mom.
Although children learn to behave in a civilized way with the help of love and imitation, much depends on the parents, as you all know very well. When compared to a car, the child supplies energy for movement, but parents control the movement. The child has good intentions( for the most part), but he has no experience and no stability to stay on the road all the time. Parents should remind him: "No, crossing the street is too dangerous", "Do not play with it, you can hurt someone", "Say thank you to Mrs. Griffia," "You must go now, because dinner is ready," "You can not takehome this machine, because the machine belongs to Harry "," You need to go to bed to grow big, "and so on, and so on. The effectiveness of such remarks depends on the succession of parents( no one can always be absolutely consistent), whether they are talking seriously or just for the species, whether there is a serious reason for the prohibition or remarks or the mother simply wants to pokomandovat.
The daily duty of parents, therefore, is to keep the child within the limits of good behavior.(You will not just sit there and watch the baby smash something, and then punish him.) You resort to punishment occasionally, when your system of strict rules is violated. Maybe the child is tortured by the temptation to check whether the ban, which you imposed a few months ago, is still preserved. Or maybe he's angry and consciously behaving badly. Maybe he inattentively broke something of value to you. Or rude to you when you are tense because of something else. Maybe he barely escaped the collision with the car, because he did not look around. In you, boils over indignation and righteous anger. At such a time, you punish the child or at least feel ready to punish him.
The best test of the effectiveness of punishment is whether you achieved what you were trying to achieve without serious side effects. If the child is angry, behaves defiantly and even worse than before, then you were in vain punished him. If the child is suffering, then the punishment for him is too strong. Each child responds to punishment in its own way.
Sometimes a child breaks a plate or tears his clothes accidentally or accidentally. If he has a good relationship with his parents, he is upset as they are, and he is not required to punish him.(You better even comfort him.) If you attack a child who regrets his actions, you can take his repentance and force him to argue with you.
If it is a question of an older child, who constantly fools around and breaks down dishes, it is not bad to force him to repair the damage from his pocket money. A child over six years of age develops a consciousness of justice, and he understands the justification of punishment. However, up to this age it is not necessary to force the child to pay for what has been done, and I would not punish a child under three years old at all. Do not give the a serious feeling of guilt. The task of parents is to save him from trouble, and not to be strict judges when they happened.
In the old days, many children were punished, and it did not seem wrong to anybody. Then came the reaction, and many parents decided that it was embarrassing to punish the children. But this did not solve anything: if an angry parent is encouraged to spank the child, he shows his angry in some other way, for example, cursing a child half a day or making him feel guilty. I do not advocate spanking, but I think it's less harmful than prolonged irritation, because it helps relieve tension between the child and the parent. Sometimes it is recommended never to slap a child in anger, but wait until you calm down. It seems unnatural. Only a very cruel person can whip the child when the anger has already passed. Some parents believe that punishment is good when the child is locked in a room. The theoretical drawback of this punishment is that the child begins to consider his room as a prison. In some families, an effective punishment is the Order to sit for a few minutes in a special chair.
Try to avoid threats. They weaken discipline. You might think reasonable warning: "If you go out on the bike, I'll take it away from you."But it's really a challenge. The threat itself contains the recognition that the child may not obey. Much more will work for him if you tell him strictly that he does not travel through the streets, especially if he knows by experience that you are serious. On the other hand, if you see that you still have to take away for a few days from the child his favorite bicycle, it would be fair to warn him. It is especially stupid and immediately destroys the authority of the parent, if one makes threats that are never met or can not be met. In all cases, attempts to intimidate a child by monsters or policemen are harmful.
Parents who can not control their children or are punished too often need help. Some parents experience great difficulties in trying to control children. They say that the child "does not obey", that he is "just bad."The first thing you notice when you observe such a parent( let's say it's the mother, so we'll say "she") is that she does not really try, although she thinks it's not so. One such mother almost never realizes her threats. Another, though punishing the child, finally does not get the child to do what she tells. The third makes one listen, but after five or ten minutes, he disobeys him. The fourth begins to laugh in the midst of punishment. The fifth only screams at the child that he is bad, or when he asks his neighbor, if she ever saw such bad children. Such parents subconsciously expect the child to behave badly and can not do anything effective to warn him. Without knowing, they are asking for the child's bad behavior. Their abuse and punishment are a manifestation of irritation. Complaining to their neighbors, they hope to hear confirmation that the child is absolutely impossible. Such parents often had an unhappy childhood, and they did not get children confidence that they were basically good and able to behave themselves. As a result, they have no confidence in themselves, or in their children. They need the help of a child psychologist or teacher.
Jealousy and rivalry
Jealousy can bring both benefit and harm. Even in adults this is a very strong emotion, A small child suffers also because he does not understand what torments him.
If jealousy is strong, it will poison the child for a long time. But jealousy is one of the realities of life and can not be completely prevented, so that parents should not try to do the impossible. However, they can do much to weaken jealousy and turn it into other feelings, painless and creative. If the child realizes that the opponent does not threaten him, it will strengthen his character and he will be better able to cope with the situations of rivalry later in life - at work and at home.
At this time it is necessary to help the child feel more grown up. Most young children react to the appearance of a newborn in the home by the fact that they themselves want to become infants, and this is quite normal. They ask for a bottle with a pacifier. They can soak the bed and stain the panties. They can start to lisp and show helplessness in what they already know how. It seems to me that parents should treat this behavior with humor, especially when the child has a very strong desire. You can kindly take the child to his room and, as a small one, undress - it's all in the form of a game. Then the child will understand that he is not denied the attention that his newborn brother or sister receives. It seems to him that this withdrawal is very pleasant, and usually he is quickly disappointed.
However, I believe that parents will do better if they turn to the child's desire to become an adult.. They can remind him how big, strong, intelligent and skillful he is. I do not want to say that you should praise him as a traveling salesman, but praise him when he deserves and when it's appropriate. From time to time, parents can regret to talk about the helplessness of a newborn.
Notice that I'm not suggesting a direct comparison in which it is assumed that the older child is better. If the child feels that he is given preference, this can bring him temporary satisfaction. But in the final analysis, the bias of the parents will lead to fear: the child will be afraid that they will change their mind and change their attitude towards him. Of course, the love of parents for a newborn should be absolutely obvious. I just emphasize that the older child should be given the opportunity to be proud of his maturity and remember that the position of the newborn has many shortcomings.
But do not overdo it. If what the child wants, parents will be called "infantile," and what they do not want, "adults", ends up in the fact that the child will want to be an infant.