Main types of family problems and their solution

This chapter does not address general issues of a constructive solution to the problems discussed in the previous chapters, but the solution of individual specific problems that we most often encounter in conflict married couples. These problems can be due to the personal qualities of the spouses, the characteristics of their marriage, the dynamics of the development of marital relations, as well as a number of internal and external factors affecting marriage.

THE PERSONAL QUALITY OF

SPOUSES The source of the difficulties in family life can be, first of all, the personality traits of one or both spouses. This may be about features that at first corresponded to the norm, but were not quite adequate to the personal qualities of the partner, or the partner does not find the right approach to them, unable to cope with certain features of his psyche. In addition, we can talk about the pathological properties of the personality, which in themselves represent a problem in interpersonal relationships, and even more so in marital relations.

Normal personality characteristics

In the study of the personality of the spouses, temperament-related properties deserve special attention, such polar features as extravertedness-introversion,

rationalism-romanticism, dominance-subordination, hostility-friendliness, rigidity-flexibility, quick temper-calmness, stability lability, optimism - pessimism, activity - passivity, carelessness - responsibility, as well as the ability to social adaptation, mental balance and self-possessionof.

Currently existing psychological methods with psychometric testing, unfortunately, do not give an unambiguous answer to the question of the effect of similarity( homogeny) or the opposite and complementary( complementarity) of certain temperament features on the harmony and success of marriage. It can be reasonably assumed.

Psychological factors of conjugal disharmony that in some cases of polarity a positive influence is exerted by homogeny( for example, in the case of extravertedness - introversion), in others - complementarity( dominance - subordination), and in some cases, only one of the polar propertiescarelessness - responsibility, pedantry).Usually very popular are the recommendations regarding the compatibility of personal qualities, although they rely more on clinical experience than on convincing scientific data.

The peculiarities of the nature of the spouses are evidenced by their attitude towards work, people around, property, to themselves and relatives. Important are the basic moral principles, interests, horizons, lifestyle, psychosocial maturity and a scale of values. Problems can create and some habits, for example, smoking one of the partners.

In conjugal therapy can be used and the classical concept of the typology of gipokrakta.

Choleric is characterized by increased excitability. He is active, self-confident, authoritative, strives to dictate, impose his opinion;he protects his rights, in everything he seeks justice, truth. He is easily annoyed, raises his voice, breaks down. Such a person radiates energy, possesses strength and determination. This is a man of action, although his actions are largely reckless. For self-expression, he needs society, environment. He often uncritically assesses the situation, insistently insists on his own. Spitfire and imperiousness, propensity for suppression easily lead to disputes and conflicts. He is recognized, but we do not love.

The partner needs to explain that it is not advisable to choleric when he is excited. Objections will only strengthen his arousal and increase immunity to reasonable arguments. In such moments it is better not to challenge his opinion, but wait until his excitement settles down and he calms down.

The phlegmatic reacts to everything slowly, not immediately. He is calm, less mobile, it is difficult to excite. Such a person does not get irritated with failures or defeats, does not do anything superfluous, performs all leisurely. He does not experience "great passions" and has no big claims;is a sober realist, somewhat lazy, he is not attracted to high ideals and quite satisfied with mediocrity. He seldom takes the initiative, he works slowly;It takes a long time to stir it, but it performs its work persistently, thoroughly and well. He is not interested in public activities, but, on the other hand, he maintains even, non-conflict relations with most people.

In conjugal relations phlegmatic brings stability and peace. To have a phlegmatic spouse in principle is not bad. Although his slowness sometimes irritates the more temperamental partner, the latter gradually gets used to it. After all, if you want to find something, you have to be patient. Phlegmatic needs to be given time so that he can digest and digest everything.

Melanchol is serious, even sad. This is a hesitant, wavering man, he lacks the courage and impetus to action. He is often covered with doubts, he is easily wounded, fidgety, restless, easily inspired, insecure, often experiencing a feeling of inferiority;sometimes it is complex, it is difficult to understand, it is closed, rarely takes initiative in society and feels insecure. The outside world often hurts a poorly protected melancholic, so he develops a penchant for pessimism. However, a melancholic can have a rich inner world, is capable of deep, stable feelings. In marriage, he often gets the role of enslaved and deceived;he endures considerable suffering from the aggressive behavior of his partner.

Living with a melancholy makes serious demands on the partner. It requires self-control and delicacy, especially careful and tactful behavior. Melancholics must be thoroughly stirred, before he starts talking about his feelings;it is necessary to try to get into his position, help him overcome his pessimism and support the belief in his own strength.

Sanguine is a lively, active and cheerful person who has a good mood, optimism and cheerfulness. Often he is not inclined to take the environment too seriously. His irritation does not last long, in life he soon notices its bright side, settles conflicts and grievances very quickly. It is frivolous, is engaged in too many things at the same time, instead of performing thoroughly even some of them. He loves society and entertainment, easily gets to know people and is a pleasant companion. He knows how to organize various kinds of entertainment, and it's nice for people to be in his company. He is inclined to impermanence and superficial relations, is less caring and less responsible, which can irritate a more serious partner in marriage.

With a sanguine person it's easy to live, no special tactics of behavior are required. However, given his carefree image I And( NEVER, try to upload it with family concerns, but do not forget to follow the measure.) Otherwise, in unpleasant situations, he can try to slip away and leave the house where he is nicer and calmer

Pathological propertiespersonality

Some personality properties can be pathologically exaggerated mainly due to other features. With regard to the OT of their intensity, as well as the difficulties that they cause in their carrier or its environment, we distinguish accentuated, anomalousand psychopathic properties. The detailed description of individual psychopathic properties of personality can be found in all textbooks of psychiatry and special monographs. Paz( 1973, 1975) devoted considerable attention to the problems of matrimonial relations

Here will be brief descriptions of those pathological types of personality that are mostoften contribute to the emergence of difficulties in marital relations. At the same time, we will focus on the attitude of the partner in marriage to them, while we will use the exact ANDdetailed descriptions of Plzak.

Asthenic and hypersensitive personality. For this personality, there are certain features of a normal, melancholic type. About asthenic personality can be said in case of prevalence of general weakness, passivity, ineptness and poor fitness. A hypersensitive personality can be spoken of when vulnerability, effeminacy and increased consolation to external stimuli predominate. Even small loads cause neurotic reactions in such persons, they do not withstand the loads. It is useless to try to influence them by force. Most often they respond by crying, making it clear that they are offended and deceived, showing how unhappy they are.

Partner's day is important to learn when it's necessary to be especially attentive and delicate, to console and support( that is, to take care of it and problems on yourself), but when to be firm and uncompromising, so that the asthenic person does not start terrorizing the family with his asthenia. You can try to involve the asthenic individual in group psychotherapy and teach the skills of self-training and self-hypnosis. A healthy partner needs to rest from time to time from the requirements that he presents with living together with an asthenic. The same can be said for a hypersensitive person.

Explosive personality. Such a person represents a pronounced type of choleric. In such persons there are outbursts of anger accompanied by gross insults, and Often also physical violence. In a state of anger, they beat their partner. The causes that can cause them irritation are incommensurable with the intensity of manifestations. Scandals arise, as a rule, on a very trivial occasion, and not only at home, but also at work, at acquaintances, in a shop, in transport. The explosive person is not able to control himself during the explosion of bitterness. After an outburst of anger, in some cases, such a person regrets his behavior, is justified, tries to make amends to his partner various concessions and gifts. A similar anomaly is more common in men. Sometimes it is observed in the so-called epileptoid personality, which is characterized by the presence of organic symptoms.

Joint living with an irascible person puts a partner in a marriage before a situation of a recurring short-term threat. A chronic conflict situation arises when a healthy partner does not see manifestations of the disease in such outbreaks and reacts to them as usual attacks of anger with which a person is able to cope.

Resonator. This is a disappointed, embittered, stubborn pessimist. He does not like everything, he does not like anything, he finds a flaw in everything. Nothing brings him joy, and he easily spoils a good mood for others. The Rezoner sees the world only in bleak tones;in his opinion, no one does good deeds, all around Do nothing but stupidity. He curses and criticizes others, shows intolerance and behaves as if everyone around were scoundrels or fools.

Marriage with a resonator can only be sustained by that partner who is able, without paying attention to his presence, to realize himself in work, in caring for children, contacts with friends and acquaintances, active interest in some interesting business.

Pedant. This is a person who is distinguished by petty precision, excessive adherence to order. Problems in the family arise due to the fact that he requires the same qualities from others. A pedantic wife always seems to have a mess at home, so she continuously cleans and cleans something, corrects and checks. At the husband-pedant all things must lie in their places, he does not tolerate any interference in his carefully thought-out system. A pedant can cause trust and respect, a sense of confidence, stability, but not admiration, joy or love. In its extreme manifestations, the pedantic psychopath terrorizes family members by forcing them to follow the strict order and schedule established by them. This causes rebuff, protest, tension in the relationship and a sense of lack of freedom.

of the Partner can be tried to lead to that he appreciated the undoubted advantages of a person's adherence to order and punctuality. To the pedant we give a number of precisely formulated tasks that allow him to realize excessive love of order by himself, but not to spread his demands to others.

The schizoid personality. Such persons have a lack of ability to express their feelings, up to extreme emotional poverty, as well as closedness, lack of adequate contact with others, which is often associated with shyness, fearfulness and low vulnerability. The schizoid can cause surprise in others about their strange views, opinions, behavior, inability and even detachment from practical life, largely abstract or overly complicated reasoning and vague speech. The most active schizoid individuals are more likely to provoke others to be unconformity, while the more passive usually eschew societies, avoiding people due to increased vulnerability.

Schizoids, as a rule, remain long( if not always) alone. The success of marriage largely depends on the motivation and ability of the partner to adapt, on his ability to smooth out the manifestations of strangeness, impracticality, gloominess of the schizoid personality.

The antisocial personality. This type of personality is characterized by a significant decrease( up to complete absence) of high feelings, mainly sympathy, cordiality, affability;while ignoring the condemnation of others, neglect and obvious disrespect for other people, immoral behavior is often tolerated. One of the options for such a person are loafers, truants and recidivists. The other option refers to people who are too lazy to hide their laziness, unwillingness to work and lack of responsiveness. Wives belonging to this type of personality are characterized by pronounced untidiness, unscrupulousness, non-observance of personal hygiene, lack of children's care, for husbands - parasitism, lack of care for the family;they usually parasitize the family.

Psychotherapeutic treatment in such situations can generally be regarded as a waste of time. Such persons must be isolated from society and the family, since the heavy damage caused by them often turns out to be irreparable.

Hysterical personality. It is characterized by increased emotionality, a living imagination, an increased need for attention of others, a desire for demonstration, dramatization, exaggeration, egocentricity. Hysterics often experience discomfort associated with the existence of contradictions between their vivid romantic notions and the dull, banal reality. They either go into the fantasy world, or try to cause some kind of excitement around them, attract attention to themselves. They exaggerate, invent, play, as on the theater stage. Sometimes they lose the boundary between fantasy and reality."The game" in certain cases can be held at a high level and cause interest. It is difficult to determine whether the

uses a hysterical personality as a sthenic method, attracts attention even with such dramatic manifestations of weakness and dependence, or exaggerates its difficulties. Feelings of hysterics are very unstable, he often goes from one extreme to the other. Hysterical persons can be infinitely enthusiastic and immediately afterwards "terribly unhappy".Then they often talk about suicide or try to commit suicide. Such attempts are not serious and have the character of emotional "blackmail".

It is often noted that hysterical psychopathy represents, as it were, the extreme expression or caricature of normal femininity. To moderate hysterical manifestations, observed in women, in our society are rather mildly. In the eyes of some men, slight hysteria even gives a certain attractiveness to beautiful women( though, until they become their wives).In the behavior of male hysterics, uncharacteristic traits for men-flirtatiousness, some effeminacy-are noted. Sometimes, on the contrary, hysteria in men is manifested by undue emphasis on purely masculine traits: excessive exaggeration of one's own strength, demonstration of heroic tricks or representing oneself as a compelling seducer and sexual giant.

There are passive, asthenic forms of hysteria in which such properties and manifestations as high emotionality and flight to illness or acute perception of injustice, thoughts of suicide, as well as productive, stenic, active forms that are characterized by external, extraverted and aggressive manifestations, prevail..

In marriage, expressed hysterical personalities, on the one hand, "terribly dissatisfied" or "terribly unhappy", on the other - emotionally repress and oppress their partner. A hysterical woman, after a while after marriage, has a feeling that she is already "not loved enough," and she is constantly yearning for proof of love.

A productive hysterical psychopath repeats in the family their performances and scenes, provokes violent quarrels, accompanied by sobbing, with dramatic reconciliation. Her further "search for great love" is going on outside the real marriage, which deceived her expectations. Often, such a woman refuses to have sex with her husband, because she can not give herself to a person who does not already have feelings of love. Strong emotional experiences in a new marriage sooner or later lose their sharpness( and the new partner is also happy to "escape" from such a disturbing, threatening marriage);all repeats what makes such a woman "an eternal seeker of love."Asthenic, passive types usually do not get married again, although in a real marriage they suffer, and their romantic experiences are realized in fantasies.

A hysterical personality is very difficult to lead to an understanding and proper assessment of one's own behavior. Communication with a doctor of the opposite sex during psychotherapeutic sessions can quickly cause manifestations of admiration and falling in love, various hints that it would have been different with the doctor than with an insensitive, boring and uninteresting spouse. If the doctor does not support such a game, then the patient considers herself to be offended in her best feelings and ceases to cooperate in sessions or turns to aggressive attacks against him. With staff of the same sex, as a rule, competes. The greatest hope for success in correcting the behavior of such patients is provided by systematic group psychotherapy. Initially, the patient is simply included in a group where she can find some support, and then gradually receive from the members of the group their assessment and opinion on her hysterical behavior.

Positive value can work with a partner of such a hysterical person who needs support to endure hysterical outpourings without losing his peace of mind and health. He should explain how he should behave in order to avoid family scenes. He must understand that the hysterical person simply requires attention, understanding and a certain evaluation. If this requirement is implemented in an inadequate, dramatized, hysterical way, then such behavior should be left without attention, otherwise the partner will encourage it. On the other hand, such a conversation allows you to reassure your partner a little, which will allow him to pay more attention to the hysterical person, better understand it, at least when her behavior is normal and quite adequate.

From the manifestations of a hysterical personality( accented, abnormal or psychopathic) it is necessary to distinguish the following:

a) hysterical reaction, which is an emotional( or somatic) manifestation of a truly emotionally tense situation;

b) hysterical neurosis, which represents a disease that has its beginning, development and completion. Hysterical neurosis is now most often manifested by various somatic symptoms, which are clearly associated with psycho-traumatic factors and conflict situations, and sometimes have the character of purposeful avoidance of solving any life problems.

A jealous person. A jealous man lives in fear that his partner is unfaithful to him, or, at any rate, he can change it. These thoughts completely master him, and he always suspects his partner, follows him, requires proof of loyalty. The evidence does not bring him comfort, since it is difficult to prove fidelity in principle. Beginning with provocative questions and conversations, the jealous man gradually proceeds to detective actions.

Jealousy can affect the real situation to varying degrees, its manifestations have different intensity and character. It can be situationally conditioned, a characteristic feature of the personality or one of the manifestations of psychosis.

Situationally caused jealousy is caused by the real danger of betrayal of a partner, specific manifestations in his behavior, which gave rise to suspicions. The threatened individual seeks to take certain measures to eliminate this danger. Manifestations of jealousy in such cases pass with the disappearance of a threatening situation.

When jealousy is a personal trait, the individual is primarily characterized by his willingness to manifest it. Jealousy is provoked entirely by innocent motives, it is difficult to suppress and from time to time breaks out again.

With some psychoses, especially with paranoia, sometimes there is a delirium of jealousy. These are obsessions about the betrayal( or betrayals) of a partner that do not have any real basis and take a completely absurd character( for example, that the partner behind the jealous person gives secret signs calling for a love relationship) or leading to bizarre actions( for example, jealous sticks hair todoors of the bedroom or notes the position of the partner's shoes to determine if he went secretly at night to his passions).The delirium of jealousy is difficult for psychotherapy, additional treatment is required;she is rarely effective at paranoia.

In case of situational conditioned jealousy and in the case when jealousy is a specific feature of the person( psychopathic state of jealousy), it is advisable to bring the jealous to an analysis of one's own jealousy and try to "train" it;training is to get used to the state of insecurity that is observed in every marriage. Such "antirheumatic training" is most effective in carrying it out within the framework of group psychotherapy or group "courses for jealousy".Plzak developed a technique designed for 10 such sessions, and also compiled a corresponding instruction for the jealous Othello( 1972).A partner should not react to attempts by a jealous man to track and control, he should not allow explanations and excuses. He must categorically suppress disputes over jealousy and talk about topics associated with it;he should transfer the conversation to another subject or simply quit. If a psychopathic jealous man is incorrigible and tyrannizes a partner, then one way out is a timely divorce.

Alcohol dependence. It is about people who depend on alcohol to reach a level where it already poses a serious problem in terms of public relations and a decline in mental and physical health. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that the alcoholic himself can not stop drinking or at least reasonably limit the use of alcohol. His addiction to alcohol, he justifies a variety of reasons.

The development of alcohol dependence has 4 phases: initial, warning, decisive and final.

1. The initial phase. A person discovers that alcohol improves his mood, helps get rid of fears and strengthens confidence in oneself. At first he resorts to alcohol for this purpose, but gradually gets used, breaks between taking alcohol are reduced. He drinks quickly, especially when he starts to reach a certain level of intoxication;Do not drink, drink as much as he needs.

2. Warning phase. The drinker strives to constantly increase the dose, and he needs all large doses to achieve the desired mood. The methods of alcohol become more frequent, and the reasons for this are of less and less importance. Increasingly, there is a state of re-drinking.

3. The decisive phase. There is a dependence on alcohol. The drinker is already unable to control himself, can not stop. Sometimes he drinks and a few days in a row, often drinks. He declares himself "windows" sober days, which he manages to hold against the backdrop of a weekly binge. There are problems with others. People condemn him, he also perceives this as injustice and an additional reason for drinking. Often decides or promises that he will stop drinking or will drink less, but he can not do it.

4. The final phase. With alcohol dependence, an individual can no longer live without alcohol. He is already in the morning forced to "skip a glass" to bring himself into working condition. Without alcohol, he feels bad, irritated, unable to concentrate, his hands are shaking, his head hurts. A small dose of alcohol corrects the condition. Tolerance to alcohol is reduced, he gets drunk much faster than before, nothing stops him. All this leads to the disintegration of the person, complete loss of ability to work, the severance of relations in society and in the family.

A person who is dependent on alcohol is considered an individual who is in the 3rd or 4th phase of the development of alcohol dependence and is already unable to cope with this dependence and the problems it causes.

The term "drunkard" refers to persons in the 1st or 2nd phase who consume alcohol to achieve the desired level of mood and who are still able to control themselves."Consuming alcohol"( "consumer") is a person who drinks from time to time, on the occasion of holidays or family celebrations;he never gets drunk and can quite do without alcohol."Abstinent" for fundamental reasons completely refuses to drink alcoholic beverages.

A person who is addicted to alcohol can no longer become a "drunkard" or a "consumer".He is already unable to drink in moderation and control his condition. This problem can be solved only by constant abstinence, which requires high-quality anti-alcohol treatment. After treatment, such a person, unlike "healthy" people, should never take a drop of alcohol.

Unlike her husband, alcohol-dependent, who prefers to drink in the community( visiting friends who have the same intentions in a pub or organizing a drink at home or at work), the drinking wife most often drinks at home alone, carefully concealing it. She is ashamed of her dependence, hides bottles with alcohol in different caches. In a sober state, she blames, cries, promises to improve.

People with alcohol dependence( both husbands and wives) often explain their addiction to alcohol conflicts in the family. In reality, the cause is, as a rule, different;Conflicts contribute to the strengthening of dependence and themselves often arise on its soil. But whatever the reason, before starting the course of marital therapy, it is necessary to conduct antialcohol treatment. It is useless to try to strike a balance between the spouses until abstinence is achieved. If the alcoholic does not want to be treated, the partner must present him with an ultimatum that excludes compromises: "If you do not go to medical treatment, I will have to divorce."

It is necessary to distinguish between problems really related to alcohol dependence and marital conflicts caused by increased reactivity of some wives "allergic" to the drunken behavior of a husband or the smell of alcohol. The doctor should talk with both partners, trying to get objective information. And if it is a question of alcoholism, then one should not require a husband of complete abstinence.

At the conclusion of the section devoted to the personal qualities of the spouses, we will consider the main issues in the framework of work with a married couple. The spouses respond to two main groups of questions.

1. What qualities of my personality contribute to the conjugal disharmony? What is my participation in the

family conflicts? What can I do about it? What can I change in myself?

2. How can I best combine with a partner, the way it is? How to treat a partner who has these personality characteristics?

These are the principles that can be used when working with one of the partners. Contrary to the expectations of the patient, the analysis of his personality traits and those of his partner is mainly aimed at achieving an understanding of what he should change at himself( and never at the partner) and how he should adapt his behavior to the partner's behavior( and not vice versa).The doctor should convince the patient that these changes are in his power and they need to be done if he wants to achieve marital harmony.

Let's illustrate this principle with concrete examples. A wife who complains about her jealous husband must be led to an analysis of her own behavior - does she provoke his jealousy with some of his actions? If jealousy is a feature of his character, his wife should be led to the conclusion that it is impossible to change this character trait. It is necessary to teach her the right behavior with her husband so that his pathological behavioral traits bring her less suffering;for example, immediately suppress the tracking down and interrogation of her husband and not enter into disputes with him on topics relating to jealousy.

With a husband who complains about his wife's hysterical behavior, it is necessary to discuss the characteristic signs of hysteria, such as the need for increased attention, the tendency to dramatize, the reduction of control over emotional manifestations, etc. He must come to the conclusion that one can not demand from his wife,that it was different, it is impossible to remake it. He can think over what he should do when living with such an

woman, for example, not allowing himself to be dragged into dramatic scenes that his wife is comfortable with, trying to convince her or give in to her demands if she really lacks his attention. You can advise her husband to show enough attention and admiration to his wife if her behavior deserves it and ignore her actions and claims when she exaggerates and obviously "overacts".

This reorientation of patient behavior is often a difficult and gradual process. You can not immediately start an active work with such a patient, so that he does not get the impression that the doctor does not understand him, otherwise he can stop cooperating. First of all, it is necessary to give him the opportunity to express himself and to show understanding of his problems. Only in this way can the patient be led to the realization of his own participation in creating a problem or conflict situation and the need to change his behavior as the only( in most cases) decision that allows him to count on success.

The exception is cases of alcohol dependence, acute psychosis or criminal conduct of a partner, when our assistance to a client can be expressed, for example, in the direction of a partner for compulsory treatment or in facilitating his administrative prosecution and criminal punishment. You can not constantly adapt to the behavior of some severe psychopaths;in such cases we assist the client in obtaining a divorce. However, it is impossible to accept the statements and versions of the client - it is necessary to examine his partner and get objective data about him.

THE

ASYLUM

When researching the conjugal therapies of a marriage union as a source of problems for a couple, it is first of all necessary to think about what brought the couple together and up to the present day supports their marriage. We investigate how the initial expectations are realized, what factors determine them and on what principles the marital relations are being built at the present time.

Choosing a partner

Interpersonal attractiveness is supported by factors that are of particular value to an individual or give him some hope that social contact with that partner will be beneficial.

A number of theories explaining the principles of the choice of the marriage partner, which include, for example, the theory of complementarity Winchov, the theory of the value of Coombs monogamy and the theory of Kerkhoff-Davis filters, to some extent reflected in the complex theory of Mursteina( 1976).In accordance with this theory, there are three factors in the choice, three forces of attraction;motivation, dignity and role. These forces act sequentially in three phases, their significance varies in each phase. What passes through the first filter passes into the next phase.

In the first phase( motivation), factors such as external appeal and behavior play an important role. It is also important how these characteristics are evaluated by others. The meaning of motivation, therefore, is relatively relative to a particular situation.

In the second phase( dignity), the center of gravity is shifted in a beer-like manner to the area of ​​similarity of interests, points of view, and scale of values. Partners at the meeting get to know each other, get information about the interests, the scale of values ​​of each of them. If significant discrepancies are revealed here and the revealed shortcomings are not compensated by any advantages, the partners disagree, believing that they do not fit together.

In the third phase, compatibility of roles is first of all evaluated. Partners determine whether they will be able to take on mutually complementary roles in the conjugal union, which will enable them to meet their needs. In this case, they are evaluated as the similarity of characters and inclinations( for example, extraverted or introverted, the same need for sexual contacts, etc.), and the opposite of complementary traits( for example, the need for domination and subordination, the desire to take care of one another, etc.).

In all phases, the principle of "commensurability of exchange" operates. Equilibrium is achieved only in the event that the exchange from the point of view of partners is equivalent. For example, outwardly not too attractive a man can make an offer to a more attractive girl by giving her a stable financial position in return. An ugly girl can attract a handsome man with her caring, sexual sophistication, the ability to admire or be obedient.

Expectations and the matrimonial agreement

The source of problems is often served by unjustified expectations, which can be partly realized and formulated, partly realized, but not discussed with the partner, and partly unconscious. In this direction, you can use the concept of Sager) and Martin, according to which the essence of conjugal therapy is to study the marital agreement( contract).Spouses should understand themselves, formulate and write what they expect from each other in marriage. Under the supervision of the doctor, unclear and mutually exclusive elements are identified in the individual draft agreements, attempts are being made to develop a joint agreement acceptable to both partners, which clearly articulates the rights and duties of everyone.

Determinants of marriage taken from the parent family of

In order to help spouses who have problems in marriage, it is necessary to find out on what some of their expectations are based. For this purpose, the marriage of their parents, brothers or sisters is considered with them.

Based on a concept that could be called the concept of duplication of parental properties, an individual learns a male or female role to a large extent from his parents and tends to unconsciously use in his family a model of the relationship of parents, regardless of whether they like it or not. An important point is domination in the family( which parent "commanded" and who submitted).For a more accurate estimate, it is advisable to use the Liri interpersonal test. When testing, you should evaluate yourself, your parents, your partner, state your requirements and describe the ideal partner, calculate integral estimates and present the results in a graphical form, as recommended by Mellan.

Sipova, having tested 239 successful couples, found out that there are similar characterological models in both spouses - a dominant, authoritarian, self-confident, but at the same time courteous father and affectionate mother who enjoys trust and respect in the family. The husband identifies himself with his father, the wife - with his mother( Figure 2).Wives rate their husbands on the axes of domination and affability( as well as their fathers), husbands evaluate wives as well as mothers. Husbands assess themselves as a whole correctly;Between self-assessment and partner assessment, there are insignificant differences. Among the 650 married couples who attended the consultation, the indicators are different: between the self-assessment and the partner's assessment, there are significant differences( as a rule, the partner considers the other to be more hostile and dominant than he estimates himself).In addition, the partners are significantly different from their parents( not only from the parent of the other sex, but from the parent of the same sex).

)

Fig.2. Self-evaluation and evaluation of their parents according to the Leary test.

The continuous line ends at the level of the average father's score, intermittent - the mother. Dark triangles are husbands from quiet families( n = 239);dark circles - wives from quiet families( n = 239);light triangles - husbands from conflict families( n = 650);light circles-wives from conflict families( n = 650).

According to Sipova, the doctor should take the patient to accept the role assigned to him by the same-sex parent, of course, taking into account the wishes of the partners and the nature( style) of their relationship. The conjugal couple, however, is advisable to lead to a compromise model of living together, which optimally approaches the model of the relationship of their parents.

Comparative studies of Terman relationships in affluent and conflictful couples have confirmed that the balanced model of relationships is significantly influenced by a favorable model of the parents' marriage, a good father-mother relationship, a happy childhood. Balanced spouses were calm and in their childhood, they were rarely punished, often caressed, with them more openly talked about sex issues.

The concept of duplicating the properties of brothers and sisters Toman( 1976), according to which the individual seeks in new social ties to realize his relationship with brothers and sisters. More stable and successful marriages are observed in cases when relations between partners are built precisely on this principle, naturally, taking into account gender. In this sense, marital relations can be completely complementary( the husband had a younger sister, and the wife - the elder brother) or partially complementary( both had older siblings, at least one of them is identical to one of the spouses).In non-complementary marriages, there is a connection with the order of the child in the parent family( for example, both partners were the oldest among the children) or with sex( one partner or both had only brothers or only sisters, other than siblings of the same sex).A special place is occupied by children who did not have a brother or sister;they had only one model in their family - a parent marriage.

Based on this kind of data, it is possible graphically, in the form of a family card, to present factors affecting marriage( Figure 3).

In the middle part of the figure, the triangle is the husband, to the right of it is the circle-wife, the numbers inside are their age. The connecting line between them shows the nature of marital relations at the present time. Below, with the help of similar geometric symbols, their children are depicted, and the connecting lines characterize the type of connections. In the upper part of the figure, above each spouse, their parents and the nature of the relationship between them are indicated, with the arrow pointing upwards corresponding to the dominance, and the arrow pointing downwards, the subordination. Under the symbols representing parents, their children are shown, the position of each of the spouses between them is marked by a dark triangle or circle. Above the symbols of the spouses the marriage number of each of them is indicated, and the number next is the degree of emotional dependence on the partner( according to the Plzak scale, which will be considered below).

In Fig.3 shows an example of a family card: a 29-year-old husband and a 25-year-old wife, both in their first marriage. Spouses have 2 children, which are generally positive, although the husband is colder to the girl. However, their marriage is controversial. In the family of her husband's parents, the dominant position was occupied by the mother;with his father, his first husband, his mother did not get along, had conflicts on the basis of domination in the family. Her second husband at heart submissive.

My husband has sisters( older and younger).In the family of the wife, the dominant position was occupied by the mother, she herself was the eldest among the children.

The scheme gives some information about the possibility of problems in the family;It can be guided in choosing the direction of therapeutic effects. The role of her husband was not sufficiently defined in her childhood. It is assumed that he sympathized with his father, who challenged his mother's dominant position in the family. However, in this struggle, the father lost and was forced to disperse with his mother. Perhaps the patient did not like the weak character of the stepfather, who submitted to his mother. He always regarded his mother as a resolute woman, who dominated the family. In a related constellation, he had an older sister, which corresponds to the same "program", but he also had a younger sister, over whom he could "take over".

The role of the wife, which comes from a matriarchal family, where she was also the eldest child, was quite well defined in her childhood, and it is difficult to change her. Therefore, consent between spouses can be achieved if the husband takes a subordinate position towards his wife( that is, what he saw in his mother's family) and without protest will take orders from his power-hungry wife. If he tries to lead and command, the family will inevitably encounter conflicts.

The above reasoning may give the impression that marriage is controversial( from the point of view of domination) only when both spouses claim to be the dominant role in the family, or calm, graceful, cooperative asymmetric( patriarchal or matriarchal type)if one of the spouses willingly takes the lead, and the other equally willingly obeys. However, this is not quite true. Currently, the predominant model is a cooperative-symmetric marriage. In such a marriage, the spouses interact on the basis of equality, the arising disagreements and problems are resolved at the level of mutual agreements, through compromises. Equilibrium can be achieved through a clear separation of spheres of influence. Children who come from such families may tend to use a similar model of relationships in their marriage. Apparently, the formation of this model is influenced not only by examples of parental relations, but also by the prevailing social position of the spouses.

marriage profiles The description of the theory of dynamic conjugal therapy already mentioned seven profiles of behavior in marriage. Combinations that can lead to problems in marital life include the following: when both partners belong to a "parent" or "child" type;one partner of the "parent" or "child" type, the other of the independent type;one partner of a romantic type, the other an equal, rational, independent or "childish" type. Marriage partners romantic type is a tense and inadequate stable union, as the romantic relationship gradually fades over time and both partners can start looking for them in other relationships, outside marriage.

Martin, Berman, Lief pay attention to the presence of pathological elements in the following combinations: a) the wife belongs to the romantic-hysterical type and suffers from lack of attention and affection, and the husband is cold, has a psychasthenic character store;b) the husband is looking for a mother in his wife who would constantly care for him;c) both partners of a dependent type;d) both partners( or one of them) with a paranoid mentality.

Marriages, in which one of the partners( most often the wife) has a marked hysterical behavior, are designated by some authors as hysterical marriages. Partners hysterical women can, according to Planava, divided into hysterophilic and hysterical.

A hysterical husband is a type of partner that attracts hysterical women;In the future, he himself stops his choice on one of them. Usually this is a calm, well-adjusted, silent and not too emotional person. Plzak denotes this type as SPV - weak, decent and true. Hysterics, as a rule, has already experienced a fleeting dramatic love with an attractive and dynamic man, looking for a balanced and reliable person. He is also attracted to life, emotionality, the opportunity to enrich and brighten his dull life. After the idealization of the partner disappears, of course, there comes a deep mutual disappointment. The husband stops impressing his wife, she feels misunderstood, emotionally dissatisfied, as a result of which she tries to provoke a scandal or attacks. The increased emotionality, dramatization and so unkempt behavior of the wife tires the husband.

A hysterical husband behaves in such a way that it evokes and supports the hysteria of his wife, which initially could not have expressed hysterical features. Her husband has a tendency to be wise in situations that require decisive action, usually he remains indifferent to his wife's attempts to involve him in joint activities, is set up ironically or hostile, while his wife's aggressive or hysterical behavior does not force him into cooperative behavior. Such a husband may also havetraits of a pedant and schizoid layers with a pronounced sensual coldness. In some situations, he resembles a hysterical husband. However, what is important is that a wife can count on fulfilling her desires or demands and get her husband to cooperate only if he is in a fit of hysteria. Thus, this behavior is reinforced and fixed.

The classification of symmetric, complementary and metacomplementary marriage, proposed by Haley, is well known. In a symmetrical marriage, both spouses have equal rights, none of them is subordinate to another. Problems are solved by agreement, exchange( that and that or that) or by way of compromise. In a complementary marriage, one disposes, gives orders, the other obeys, expects advice or instruction. In a meta-complementary marriage of a leading position, a partner achieves his goals by emphasizing his weakness, inexperience, ineptitude and impotence, manipulating his partner in this way.

The classification proposed by Satir includes typical models of a communicative attitude to violation of fidelity. Typical representatives include the following: a) the accuser, who in the author's symbolism can be represented as a "statue with a pointing finger";b) a conciliator( "a statue of a sinner with his head down");c) a cold rationalist or a hot "arithmometer"( "straightened figure with a raised head");d) an intruder and "distracter" who ignores eternal topics and problems and always gets an empty conversation only about current events, about a momentary, often funny or even funny, clownish form.

Wile provides 3 types of partnerships, which he clearly identifies using criteria for assessing the response to conflicts.

1. Mutual evasion. Both partners shy away from active discussion, remain silent, turn away, feel injustice, but do not express each other their anxiety and resentment.

2. Mutual accusation. Partners openly express their irritation, anxiety, dissatisfaction, stressing their demands, which often leads to destructive quarrels.

3. Requirement and evasion. One of the partners actively reacts to the circumstances and seeks to get closer to each other, puts forward demands, argues them, or makes complaints, the other - withdraws, keeps silent, evades rapprochement. Persecution, onslaught and evasion are mutually potentiated: the more one evades, the stronger the other tends to approach it and vice versa.

TM Mishina also identifies 3 types of violations of marital relations, of which the first two are almost identical to those proposed by Wile:

1) isolation - partners experience emotional alienation;

2) rivalry - comes to open wrangling and disputes;

3) pseudo-cooperation - one of the partners, for example, agrees with something, although internally does not agree( it looks like cooperation and agreement).

RIzak introduced the concept of "emotional dependence of partners on marriage".For each partner, it is estimated on a five-point scale. Depending on the size of the differences between partners, the marriage can be estimated as asymmetric or symmetrical, and when considering the degree of dependence - as favorable, doomed to failure or disastrous. Dependence for each partner is determined by the consequences that divorce entails, not only the sexual and economic aspects are taken into account, but also the possibility of finding another, more suitable partner. One of the essential elements in the formation of such a dependence in accordance with the concept of the author is the attractiveness of the partner. A woman has beauty, charm, typically feminine behavior, languor, tenderness, a man has a mind, charm, wit, sociability, masculinity, social recognition and only partly beauty. When evaluating 3 points, the relationship is considered significant. Problems arise if one or both partners have too high a dependency - 4 or 5 points. If excessive dependence is observed only in one partner, then according to the proposed classification, marriage is classified as "doomed to failure", and in bilateral dependence - to the category of "destitute".

The overly dependent partner, as a rule, seeks to get from another proof of love, to cause jealousy, provokes arguments and quarrels, draws children into conflict. Often, he suffers from neurotic disorders, seizures, often crying, threatening to commit suicide and becoming more and more repulsive for his less dependent partner, finally, causes him to leave the family. An unnecessarily dependent partner should be isolated for a time from the family and treated separately. He is forbidden to talk about the family and any actions in which his high dependence on marriage is manifested. According to Plzak, high emotional dependence may disappear with time, for example, if emotional resources are exhausted, or if its partner loses its value, some of its merits. However, an asymmetric, doomed marriage can be turned into a symmetric correction by correct and timely correction. It is useful for a dependent partner to find out the advantages of an independent state and do everything in his power so that an independent partner does not leave the family. We would formulate this tactic in the following way: an overly dependent partner must actually recognize his dependence and act in accordance with this. He should make it desirable for his independent partner to continue the marriage with the help of various positive reinforcements. Our experience shows that systematic group psychotherapy in most cases can reduce such dependence, mainly by maintaining the patient's self-esteem and reinforcing their importance in various activities outside the family.

Emotional independence and dependence on marriage in the sense that Plzak gives to them should be distinguished from dominance and subordination or independence and dependence as personality traits that are revealed by the Leary test. Concepts are similar, but their essence is completely different. A dominant, authoritarian and usually independent personality can equally well live in a state of complete independence and be deeply dependent on a specific emotional connection. In a marriage that retains its emotional independence, such an individual will reasonably guide the partner, take care of him or vigorously abandon the unacceptable. In a marriage from which he is dependent, he will use force to force a partner to manifest the desired dependence and fidelity. Likewise, a subordinate, influential and usually dependent person in a marriage from which she is emotionally independent can willingly obey, fulfill demands and give up any kind of leadership, but in the marriage on which she is dependent, there will be a completely different picture- requests, tears, demands or threats of suicide in order to keep a partner.

We have already given useful information about the determinants and types of marital relations, allowing us to better understand the nature of marriage and see it from different angles. Based on the analysis of the relationship within the conjugal therapy we bring the couple to the answer to the following questions.

1. What is their marriage based on? What are their mutual expectations, models and stereotypes taken from past experience, and what is the profile of their marriage now?

2. What and how can you change in their marriage, expectations, requirements, in an arrangement? Why and how to adapt?

2.5.Love

In modern works on the problems of marital relations and conjugal therapy, we almost do not meet with the concept of "love".What it denotes in the fiction( Tables 1, 2 and 3), sometimes appears under other names.

Table 1. Love in world poetry

Love for you - you yourself,

And heaven, and hell, and day and night,

Fire and ash light smoke,

Extinguished, swept away.

Love for you - deer running,

Water flowing with fingers,

You're a lake, but I'm thirsty for not quenching,

I die of thirst by the water, by the lake without shores.

My love for you is a spring,

A jet boiling from the bottom,

Like a squirrel in the woods,

In a leap, a lethal is woven.

Burn and once again be saved,

Losing you, barely finding,

Sleeping to be afraid to sleep

Do not be an instant without you.

Struck by one word only,

By chance you said,

Hundred times of doubt testing,

What does the gesture of your involuntary is.

My affliction is constant,

I so want to love you,

The heart can not calm down,

Trembling again, I do not forget.

Love-universe without edge,

Nothing to cover it,

Where measure to take it to measure,

To measure - means not to love.

No, I do not have the right to part,

To separate my body,

I'm your throne, I'm a wand in the hand,

Love for you will always live with me.

( Louis Aragon)

Table 2. Love in modern Czech poetry

What is love for you?

Evening fireworks and holiday,

Noisy carousel running,

Flight and head spinning?

Then love like a phoenix scorched,

Will fall on a tarnished world,

Your world, which is so close to you.

And for me, love is a refuge from storms,

Rain and weatherproof raincoat,

Storing the mysteries of nature.

And for me love, like bread and salt,

A glass with water key,

In which a generous hand you threw

Crystal of desire,

Drink that is wonderful to me

Keeps me busy everyday.

( Yarmila Urbanova, "Love through 10 pet")

Table 3. Love in prosaic works

Watched her in the store. She stood in front of a mirror, small, strong, ugly. A new coat came down to her ankles, only the tips of her fingers protruded from her sleeves. She looked insecure and very vulnerable.

"You're coming," the old man repeated several times, circling it around. He carefully adjusted the crease, removed the invisible fleece from his shoulder."A little to sew it," he advised, "and it will be very good. ..".

Mirror attracted a high interesting blonde. She estimated the costumes of various colors, turned and leaned in different directions because of the backs of those two.

"Oh," the saleswoman hissed through her teeth, looking up impatiently at the ceiling while the two were still standing by the mirror.

"I can not, I'm so small," the old woman said guiltily and turned her flushed face to the saleswoman, then looked at her husband. She wanted to be a little better in his eyes. The old man returned the old coat."It's cold," he remarked, paying.

I completely forgot why I came to the store. I followed them, drawn by some kind of vague force. The old man, holding his wife by the tips of his fingers, protruding from a long sleeve, led her along the street. I followed them for a long time, imperceptibly, but steadily, without saying a word.

( Jezef Zelenka, "Love")

The Fanta study showed that the most frequent factor in family counseling for family troubles is the "sensual separation of spouses", later formulated as "sensual estrangement", which in some measure corresponds to the loss of mutuallove. Prokopec, Dytrych, Schuller recommend distinguishing among factors contributing to divorce, such as "emotional bonding" and "differences in the mutual feelings and tenderness of

" that were observed in the sample of 1000 divorcing couples in 1977-1978.46% of husbands and 56% of wives.

The need for constant evidence of love is preserved in wives almost throughout their entire family life. Wife yearns for the manifestation of feelings and tenderness, needs constant attention and interest in her, which can be perceived by her husband as mere trifles( flowers, invitation to the theater, home help, caring for children).Men should be aware of this, as they are often limited to purely material concerns, forgetting about spiritual values, which makes their wives not completely happy.

Meanwhile, J. Prokopets et al.recommend husbands, as can be seen from the above passage, fulfill the wishes of wives. Other authors consider such spiritual demands in a long marriage to be "nonadaptive requirements", rudiments of the romantic phase of marriage and recommend to get rid of them as manifestations of the initial phase of the rupture and emotional enslavement of the partner. Plzak warns that conjugal therapy should be aimed at improving the emotional ties of partners. Apparently, this is hardly possible. The real goal of help can be the partner's belief that the level and intensity of emotional experiences are not factors that affect divorce. Requirements for the manifestation of feelings, spontaneous in nature, are fraught with a certain risk of disgust.

PaVek talks about the "depth of sensual communication" as one of the pillars of marriage, but at present this concept requires additional discussion and clarification.

Some psychologists have tried to more accurately formulate the concept of "love", to develop a classification and a scientific approach to the study of this phenomenon.

Love is really an exceptionally important positive feeling. Rubin speaks of love as "a certain relation of one individual to another, which includes both thoughts and actions."The characteristics of this relationship are included in the test developed by the author;each characteristic is estimated on a nine-point scale. The test provides for three main aspects of love: the need for acceptance of love and dependence;propensity to help, caring;orientation to exclusivity and absorption of feeling.

The need for acceptance of love and dependence is illustrated, for example, by such statements of partners: "If I could never be with X again, I would feel terrible", "I would be very hard without Y".

Willingness to help: "If X felt ill, my first desire would be to help him regain a good mood," "I would do everything for Y."

Exclusiveness and absorption: "I treat X, as to myself," "I feel that I can trust Y all."

Maslow distinguishes love, reflecting an altruistic attitude towards a partner, consisting in selfless help to him, joy to his successes, and love, in which, first of all, it is about satisfying one's own needs.

Fromm regards love as a skill, feeling and volitional act: "love must be learned, gradually mastered its theory and practice."Mature love is one of the most important human emotions, meaning unity in individual actions. Love is an active force, characterized by caring for another person, openness, respect and understanding of a loved one."Erotic love, in order to be truly love, must be based on the following premise: one must love, based on one's essence, and experience, proceeding from the essence of the other."Love must first of all be a willful act. Love is not only a feeling, it is a decision, a court, and a vow.

As noted in various studies mentioned by Shope, the signs of love are the admiration of the partner's virtues and the neglect of his mistakes and shortcomings, the natural unity in giving and giving, the desire to give the beloved more than others, mutual emotional dependence, the desire for spiritual and physical intimacy,openness, a strong desire to merge with a loved one into a whole, tolerance towards one another, tenderness, patience, affection and forgiveness.

According to Liberman et al., Who viewed love from the point of view of the behaviorist approach, love consists of exchanging pleasant words and actions for a person, an exchange that lasts a fairly long period of time. Marriage can be successful if both partners make decisions that contribute to the fact that each of them feels loved and appreciated.

What we find about love in the special literature on conjugal therapy, can not help but worry. Nevertheless, it is confirmed that the spouses can rightly ask about love and the question: "Do you love her?" Or "Do you love him?" Can not be regarded as a manifestation of the naivety of a doctor. The doctor, despite the fact that he works in the field of conflict and violation of interaction and partner relationships, should pay attention to the presence of love from his patients( whether the moment has come when love has left the family, whether it has really gone, whether it is hidden in small thingseveryday life) and support it, if it is still preserved, albeit in a hidden form. In order to avoid any misunderstanding here, it is necessary to distinguish the following.

1. Love, which is experienced very intensely, but usually takes place in the phase of marriage. It is necessary to actively support it( as far as possible), although it will pass later, which is quite natural.

2. Love in a relatively long marriage, which brings good to others, gives joy associated with the well-being and success of the partner, and also ensures satisfaction of their own needs for understanding and security.

3. External manifestations of love - words, touches, caresses, attention and other actions and deeds that are highly desirable, if one partner wants to bring joy to another, to strengthen his sense of satisfaction.

4. Forced manifestations of love are in principle unreasonable and represent "hard evidence of love," a manifestation of what should be spontaneous. It reminds me of a game with a double bottom( "I want you to tell me directly about love, but not because I want it, but because you want it"), which should be stopped.