What it means to be a good mother
What does it mean to be a good mother?
It would seem that it's easier to answer this question, everything has long been known. Mother is love, selflessness, generosity of mind and heart. Maternity, if it is responsibly, the most difficult of earthly positions.
But a closer look reveals some ambiguity in the educational function of the mother.
On the one hand, the ideal mother should concentrate all her attention on her offspring, renounce the world. However, such an ideal is unlikely to cause admiration. Moreover, I am not convinced that its exact copying is generally feasible. It is difficult to prepare a child for life to the world, being detached from this world. It is difficult to teach love to other people, being detached from others' troubles and troubles. It is difficult to be an impartial judge to your children, not knowing all the complexities of real life outside the walls of your own home.
Therefore, on the other hand, for a better fulfillment of its maternal task, a woman can not concentrate solely on this mission. A good mother can not be a man locked in only with her children! Her soul must be open to the pains and joys of people close and distant;should not be indifferent to the injustice that is happening in the world, even if her own children are quite safe.
Here again on memory come expensive and familiar images. First of all, the mother of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, Mary. Alexandrovna Ulyanova. Like any other kind mother, she raised children for joy and happiness. But she firmly knew and taught children: it is inconceivable to build one's own happiness in the misfortunes of others, one can not be joyful among the dispossessed. Obviously, for those who are brought up on such high moral principles, only one way in life is a struggle for common happiness. The struggle that the mother has seen causes children many hardships, deprives them of strength, health, freedom and even life itself. Mother knew everything, but not only did not stop, did not dissuade children, but in every way supported them, helped them.
So, on the one hand, the mother should teach the children self-preservation, the ability to survive, on the other - we bow to mothers who teach children not to spare themselves for the sake of someone else's good.
Duality is seen in the distribution of roles between mother and children. Traditionally - the lead, mentor, leader, and children - led, the executors of her will and orders.
But often we honor that mother who, without losing the love of her children or authority, becomes their assistant, accepts their truth and faith, even if they differ from her established attitudes and habits. In literature such an example is Gorky's Nilovna. Mother willingly went to school with her son, became his spiritual daughter, if I may say so. So, it's not only that mother who is good at teaching, but also the one that learns from children, is good.
Finally, the mother combines the role of the defender and the judge of her children. Often, mothers, ready to breastfeed, protect their own child from adversity by their lives, themselves punish the scorn of their offspring, who saved their lives by the price of cowardice and betrayal. During the Great Patriotic War, millions of mothers sent their sons and daughters to defend our Motherland, becoming their companions both at the front and in the rear. Not without reason grateful descendants near the monuments to the heroes of the war placed monuments and their mothers. Women-mothers performed a feat, which it seems, has not yet found a worthy appraisal and embodiment in works of art. They saved, nourished on meager bread, raised and put to rest a whole generation of orphaned warriors! They did not let the abyss disappear, perish, get out of the way to millions of children, replacing them with dead parents. When now other well-organized young women refuse to have children or stop at one, referring to difficulties and employment, I want to remind them of this. After all, their predecessors were not housewives, but they had the strength, both physical and mental, not only on their own, but also on other people's children.
As we can see, in the notion of a "good mother" the requirements imposed on it by nature and society are intertwined. Sometimes these requirements come into conflict with each other. A great art is to find a resultant force that would help, without destroying the natural feelings and aspirations of the mother, to balance them with the social needs and norms.
Why not all thirsty can master the art of motherhood? What's stopping them? We must admit that, in addition to the general, so to speak, theoretical notions of what is due, in our life we often follow the rules dictated by the nearest environment. A rule and advice, these are often far from the ideal. According to philosophers, the influence of the microenvironment on our worldview and actions is often stronger than the indirect influence of the microenvironment. Translated into everyday language, our home radio - some Mary Alexeevna - can become a more authoritative judge than academic advisers from the radio program "Adults about Children".And there are invisible stewards, our preferences: fashion, prestige, the desire to be "like everyone else" or "not worse than others."How many tears, my mother's and children's, are shed in front of the altars of these idols. How many good intentions and beautiful feelings have been mutilated to the point of being completely unrecognizable by a misunderstood view of the maternal duty.
Sometimes, that is called to be a model of morality, the accumulator of human virtues, violates all possible commandments and laws to clear the way for your child to all kinds of benefits and amenities.
And if a little child is not blamed for the mother's superficiality and what he uses, then a teenager, especially a young man or a girl, can be blamed: why does he take for granted the wrong actions of the parent? Why not give up fashionable rags, all sorts of expensive equipment, and, finally, from extra money, when it is known that all these goods are obtained dishonestly? Why not resist the device in the technical school or the institute, bypassing the competition, in acquaintance? The hero of the well-known film, based on the play "A Good Ways" by VS Rozov, Andrei, a school graduate, was rightly accused: this is because of him, because of his slovenly attitude towards learning, the mother lost her head and is now trying to "arrange "a son at least to some university, even if he is not interesting.
But in order to rise to the awareness of responsibility for oneself and for parents, a growing man needs a strong mental hardening. And it is not always received by those children who are hiding from the complexities and contradictions of life in everything else impeccable mothers.
But here is another example of behavior. Let us turn again to Herzen. The mother of Vladimir Beltov, the main character of the philosophical novel Who Is to Blame? , is primarily concerned with the formation of high moral principles in the soul of the son. To do this, she fenced off her son from all worldly prose and "filth" and placed it in a kind of ivory tower. For the closest associates, or rather, for those she valued herself, Beltov's mother was "incomparable."But one day she heard that she was none other than a "selfish, full of love."This was the name of her son, who became an adult and realized that he absolutely does not know life, does not see his place in it, does not have elementary skills of work and struggle. Light in the window for his own mother, he became an "extra man" for society, a kind of shadow among the living.
The discrepancy in the estimates of maternal behavior is not that rare. Sometimes it comes to the point of absurdity. So, Kabanikha, a despotic mother, enjoyed honor among the Wild. Prostakov, the slave mother, was the norm in the circle of the Pigs. The mother of Vera Pavlovna, the heroine of Chernyshevsky, invested strength and money in raising her daughter as a profitable enterprise, hoping to have a solid interest. Mother-usurer, she, too, was not rejected in her entourage.
How many microworlds, so many of their "standards".Which of them will be followed by a young mother who does not have her own life experience?
Take the Leo Tolstoy book "The Way of Life" in hand, and you will learn that parents whose children are brought up "are not worthy of condemnation" not in view of those tasks of human life that are coming to them as intelligent and loving beings, but only inthe kind of pleasures that they can give to their parents. "In such families, "the main concern of parents is not to prepare them( children) for a decent activity, but only. .. in order to better nourish them, increase their growth, make them clean, white, well-fed, beautiful and thereforeeffeminate and sensual. Dresses, readings, shows, music, dances, sweet food, the whole atmosphere of life, from pictures on.boxes to novels and novels, more and more foment this sensuality, and as a result of this, the most disgusting sex defects and diseases are made the usual conditions for the growth of these unfortunate children of wealthy estates. "
If you look closely at the program, which some modern moms are asking, will not we find a similarity to the picture that the great moralist drew to us. And are we not forced to agree that his anxiety and warnings are of serious nature? And at the same time, is there an alternative to this desire: to see your child blooming, prosperous, all satisfied? Not on a hungry ration, right, put them, when adults have every opportunity to meet their own needs?
In all likelihood, we still have to shift the focus of our attention from the external, often real side of education to the inner, deep essence of personality formation. Then, perhaps, among the "well-deserved mothers" will be those who do not know how children are dressed and well-fed, but simply healthy, vigorous, energetic. And not those mothers will be honored that they take the children away from the hardships and burdens of life in the warm concoctions of their apartments, but those that boldly let them out into the woods and fields, into the workshop of nature and into the jungle of technology.
Two installations have been common in mothers for a long time. One: children are the Flowers of life, and therefore the first duty of the parent is to cherish, cherish and cherish them. Second: children are the same people as adults, only they know and know less. The task of the parent is to prepare them for serious duties, which places them on the title of a person.
To raise "on-mountain" valuable mineral lands is important, and valuable "fossils" of the children's soul is even more important. Write a poem - you need a talent, and to grow a poetic heart - no less. A mother, like a poet, can not always know the results of her labors beforehand, they are often unpredictable. That's why we say that motherhood is akin to creativity, it is also "riding into the unknown".
And the further, the more visible, the process of the formation of the human personality will be increasingly difficult, will require more and more knowledge, skills of those who undertake this difficult and risky business. After all, children do not grow in the closed space of the family. We have already talked about the heterogeneous influence of a large detachment of educators on their positions and hunting. Kindergarten, school, tele-baby monitors and teachers are not only mum's assistants, but in some ways its competitors. They teach, carry on, entertain, using modern technology. In order not to lose credibility in the eyes of all-knowing accelerators, so that the child treats her with all questions, worries, mothers need a lot, tirelessly "work on themselves", ie, cultivate, grow with their children. And then, probably, the grown-up child will say with gratitude: I am obliged to my mother first and foremost. This will be the highest attestation in a difficult position. And all the rest - external, random, optional, both in an ideal, and in a life.
To fulfill this duty, it is useful for women to repeat the words of VA Sukhomlinsky: "... I must be a hundred times wiser than a man - the father of my children, because in the mission of continuing the human race, preserving" the multiplication of spiritual wealth, human nature laid onI am incomparably more responsible than him. .;to be proud, wise, inaccessible. .. must have what a person is proud of: one's own dignity, the consciousness of a high goal of life, creativity, inclinations, vocation. "In this - a pledge of a happy flowering not only of our children, but also a pledge of our own spiritual growth, long health and worthy of respect for old age. In the name of this it is worth trying.
- Is this man's father's call to a woman obviously a subordinate position, does he have a passive role in the upbringing of children?
The interaction of the spouses is very figuratively expressed in the "Song of Hiawatha." G. Longfellow:
The interests of the father and mother are aimed at the common goal: to grow children physically and morally healthy, civically mature, to reveal their abilities and give them the appropriate education. But they achieve this goal in their own ways. If the mother's efforts are primarily focused on preserving the health and strength of her child, the father's efforts are aimed at teaching the child to fearlessly spend them on a common
benefit. As a rule, it is he who instills in children skills that require stress, strong-willed efforts, dedication, instills in them a sense of duty and responsibility for the task entrusted, takes their interests out of the threshold of their own home. It is he who, to a greater extent, attaches his offspring to public concerns.
The father performs the role of a link: in society, he acts as the bearer of a family principle and interest, and in the home as a bearer of the public. This he supplements the mother, but does not replace it.
Often a woman grows children without a father. Undoubtedly, this requires much more effort and rarely it does without extraneous( or related) help. And here the role of the father should be assumed by the grandfather or the elder brother of the mother, and sometimes a good friend. Because children absolutely need a visible example of male behavior.
At present, few of the members of the family are satisfied with the mere presence of a man in the house. Requirements for the modern parent grow from year to year. Once his father had had enough to tinker with the baby, take a walk with him in the yard, and ride him on the sled. Now the preparation of young people for paternity begins long before the appearance of the baby. Future dads are given lectures on caring for the newborn, teaching them to feed, swaddle and dress. There was a time when young people tried to avoid fuss with newborns with all the truths and crooks, they said, this was the mother's care. And it is understandable why: the child is closer to the mother physiologically. He calms down when he feels nearby the habitual knocking of her heart, when she smells her scent, he hears a voice. But, accustoming the father to the approach to the baby, counselors, perhaps, act not only in the interests of the mother, who needs the help of her husband, but, as you may not seem strange, more in the interests of the father. Only then will he experience the feelings of the parents in full, when he himself will feel the fragility, helplessness of the child, his dependence on care, the attention of adults, including his father, who must teach his offspring the most important and difficult science - to live! The father will experience incomparable joy, pleasure, when he begins to observe the growing confidence in the child, the desire to cuddle, to hide behind him. Pride, self-confidence, in its absolute Irreplaceability - these are the feelings that awaken in the parent a tiny creature.
When the above was said about the contradictory demands made by society and nature to the mother, then, in essence, the situation was considered when the mother takes all the hardships of raising children on her shoulders. When the father readily accepts a part of the burden, these contradictions, if not eliminated at all, are considerably softened. Here is how the mission of the father to the poet I. Shklyarevsky, who has suffered his loss, acutely experienced:
You probably know that among the outstanding teachers - theorists and practitioners - most men. True, they mainly brought up children of school age and older. Young women always work for women. Still, such properties as patience, even kindness, accuracy, still not in the honor of the male half of the human race. Well, if you, when you have your own children, do not have enough of these qualities, do not hurry to hide behind the reference to men's disposition, try to work out their willpower. And it may well be that they will be useful to you in the sphere of your business relations. To whom and where did goodwill, tolerance?
When children grow out of short panties, the role of the father in their life changes substantially. It is the father who should teach his children to work, hard work, maybe even risky. It should help to see the goals in life, close and distant, to teach to achieve the intended. In the house all work that does not require special preparation, the father can perform, together with his sons, from a minor age by trusting them with tools.
The time will come, and the father will have to explain to the boy the physiological characteristics of his body, to teach him to hygiene. And explain how to behave with girls, how to earn their respect, attention, how to protect their honor and dignity. No books will replace father's confidential conversation with his son, as well as mother and daughter. After all, the father can warn his son of the repetition of his own mistakes, which once caused him a lot of suffering.
Such kind of talk, at the limit of sincerity and frankness, is possible only between people who enjoy absolute trust of each other, genuine friends. As we have already said, a real family is a blood community. The art of the father and mother is that, not dropping authority, not dropping to careless familiarity in dealing with children, to become for them the closest and most cordial friends to whom you can say the very thing and be sure that you will be understood and supported. And parents need confidence in their turn: it will be tight for adults, younger ones will not run wild, they do not zanychut, but, on the contrary, they will take on the work and cares about well-being of the house.