How to get rid of feelings of resentment - cope with insult
Feelings often guide our actions. It is difficult to deny that these actions, unfortunately, sometimes lead to unpleasant consequences. She did not understand him, he did not want to understand it - as a result, resentment, perhaps even two-sided. We do not think about how this can end if the feeling of resentment increases in size and speeds up.
Resentment is one of the strongest compulsive feelings, the manifestation of which adversely affects first of all those who experience it. Getting rid of him is not so easy. Resentment is the weapon of the defeat of our souls, which we substitute under attack, without thinking about the consequences.
Manifestation of resentment
You can take offense, do not talk to the offender, get irritated by his presence in your environment, express complaints, silence or cry in his address - do it as you like and as many as you want. But these measures you can not change the world around you. It's like if you wanted to change the bad weather. Is it possible to expect the appearance of the sun instead of drizzling rain, if you grumble? The people around you do not care what kind of offense you are strangling. And your abuser will always find an excuse for any of his actions.
The resentment of the unexpected actions of others is just your defensive reaction to situations that you think are wrong. In any case, you estimate them so. Resentment attacks the feeling of your own dignity, your self-esteem. Offended, you hope to reduce your psychological stress, clinging to this feeling, like a life-saving circle, hoping to stay afloat, but inevitably go to the bottom.
At the heart of this feeling lies the expectation of you another outcome of the situation. It, of course, can change, but not because of your efforts. This mechanism, a monster generated within you, will not only be able to control you, but will also "eat" you with giblets.
Expectations and validity
It is naive to believe that people living on the basis of their principles, plans and goals will act according to your expectations.
Why? Perhaps because you are not as important to him as you expected. Perhaps this person has underestimated your expectations or the line of behavior that you pre-built for him, or he simply does not care. It is foolish to believe that all people are guided by nobility and infallibility. Let us recall the biblical situation when Jesus Christ heard from only one person gratitude for the healing of a dozen people. Can each of us expect more? Sensitive attitude to us around, rather, a gift of fate, rather than an obligation that still needs to be earned. Sometimes we use resentment as a prepared form of reaction to an event that we do not like. But such a stereotype of behavior is not always a panacea for troubles. If one day this stereotype( resentment) will help, then in the next times it will be able to ruin.
Not for nothing they say: "they carry water on the offended".
This is the first reason.
The second reason is that offense gnaws only you, drains, incinerates your inner world, your psyche, and only yours.
Resentment is a knife that strikes you with the side that is sharpened. Is it worth constantly "letting your own blood"?The only way out is to learn how to operate this monster mechanism, having first studied the instruction.
Get rid of the negative emotions of
Lexicographer Pierre Boeste, the creator of the unique French dictionary, argued that offenses should be recorded on the sand, and beneficiaries to grind on marble.
Philosophical approach to life allows you to get rid of negative emotions and psychosomatic diseases. To begin with it is necessary to recognize in itself occurrence of unpleasant feeling - "yes, I was offended".Notice the difference in acceptance of responsibility: not "I was offended", but "I was offended."
Defeat the unpleasant feeling will help certain steps.
- Describe your feelings of resentment with all the sensations: how the mood changed, what thoughts arose, how behavior changed. It is useful to expound the sensations on paper, and then to tear the scribbled sheet.
- What are the emotions caused by the behavior or behavior of the offender( hopelessness, anger, hatred, fear, etc.)?
- Think about how the abuser should have acted so that you will not feel hurt. It is of fundamental importance in this case not to use the particle "not".That is, instead of "he should not have shouted at me for all" to apply "he should have taken me aside and talked".
Answer yourself to the questions:
- Why the offender did so, and not otherwise;what were the reasons? The answer should contain explanations, but not the excuse of the offender.
- Did the offender expect my expectations? The answer to this question will give an idea of the degree of responsibility of the opponent.
- Is that what everyone does or deserves?
- Can this person correspond to my ideas about him, is he able to meet my expectations?
Release your feelings of resentment. To let go, then to rid the mind of emotion, to say goodbye to it. Farewell and forgiveness are the same root words.
Analyzing the cause of the offense
When addressing a doctor, we always hope that he will put the correct diagnosis, that is, find out the cause of the ailment. Only after that you can fight with the disease.
Here are some examples. Banal rudeness in public transport and other places of congestion of a large number of people is not uncommon. The reason for this is the poor upbringing of the offender, which has nothing to do with you. So, there is no reason to "nurture" the complexes in oneself, or, even more so, to "reshape" the self-esteem.
Responding to criticism in the work collective or even the family requires an analysis of the critic's behavior. If the criticizing person enjoys watching your reaction, then you have the right to respond to him the same( provided that his statements do not have a constructive ground).In time, answering your opponent, you will be sure that there will be no trace of your resentment.
The hardest thing to do is to deal with the grievances inflicted on you by a loved one. After all, you initially consider it your supporter. In such situations, your self-esteem is most prone to decline. Any advice, most likely, will be useless.
Perhaps your sensitivity is the result of a bad "heredity."Such a pernicious habit can be borrowed from a brother, sister or even parents. A bad life lesson urgently requires retraining, passing the full course of weaning and "retaking" new skills to oneself.
Many are characterized by the cultivation of compassion for themselves, from which they even get pleasure, such a masochistic pleasure from the fact that "I was born in winter, and not in summer;and my parents are poor;and with the country( profession, wife, car. ..) I was not lucky. I am a victim of a number of circumstances, pity me. .. "
You, such a "victim of circumstances", on which nothing depends, who was let down, used and forgotten, may be sorry, but only once. Generosity and human kindness, unfortunately, are not boundless. And then your world is as narrow as possible, it will become tight and uncomfortable. The way out of this situation was described by the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, who argued that the whole world will belong to us when we understand that we have nothing to complain about.
Often, resentment causes a sense of guilt. These are the consequences of an incorrect self-assessment: "I'm not that kind," "I'm worthless," "I'm a loser," etc., "that's why they treat me so inappropriately."Such vulnerability is permissible only in childhood, that is, in the short period of the formation of personality.
Analyzing your expectations
From the people around you, in particular from close or significant to you, you expect a lot, perhaps too much.
If this is not done, then your reaction can manifest itself in the form of unexpected aggression, hatred, revenge, tears, guilt, anger, etc. Do you remember about the offense you inflicted after a day, a year, five years. .. Choose that from this list you like more. It's true that nothing good can be chosen. Where is the way out?
In Forgiveness. Forgive the offender, no matter how painful this process was.
If you project the situation in reverse order( you offended someone), then you yourself always hope that others will be able to forgive you.
The above methods of auto-training on how to get rid of feelings of resentment, allow you to realize your strength over your emotions, will make you a confident and self-sufficient person, able to be happy.