How to keep affection for a child by going to work
Jun 27, 2018
We would like to start this section with two stories from life.
What can not be done?
Jan, who is keen on his career, is about to be born the first child. Her professional voice tells her that she has studied so many years to get a profession, that her work brings her satisfaction and that she wants to return to her. Her maternal instinct tells her, because she so dreamed about this child, that strong maternal affection is very important. She fears that she will not be able to return to work easily if she is addicted to motherhood. Subconsciously, she keeps herself from being too attached to her child, and all her thoughts are occupied by the day when she must return to work. She spends a lot of time in interviews with nannies, shopping for things for her child and planning how she will combine two careers. She did not have time to recover, as her month at home had expired, and now her day began to absorb what is happening in her office. She shies away from frequent pricks of conscience at the thought of the child as from the side effects of motherhood, which will soon pass - and they do go away. The child, it seems, grows remarkably in the hands of a caring nanny, and now Jan is enlisted in the ranks of the masters of juggling art.
Over time, the distance between mother and child is increasing - and also between father and child. At first, the signs of this are barely perceptible, then they become more and more obvious. When a child turns a year, she and her child close each in their shell. Accustoming to discipline becomes a list of methods, in desperation snatched from the nearest book. She catches herself by the fact that she increasingly seeks help from the advisers, not knowing how to deal with her disobedient daughter. Attachment did not develop when both the mother and the child needed it, and now they are playing a complex game, "Lose what you missed."■
The story of how to correctly combine work with the attachment of
Mary and Tom are about to become parents for the first time. This couple - both interesting work - realistically assesses their family situation and comes to the conclusion that Mary needs to work( and she even wants to work), at least half a day. During their "pregnancy", Mary and Tom read a lot about the importance of attachment between the mother and the child, as well as the father and child of attachment. They swear not to allow
to stand up before a decision: either work or a child. They swear that although both will work outside the home, they will also work to build a strong attachment to the child. And that's how they do it.
First of all, Mary forgets about the day in which she plans to return to work, so as not to clog her head with all these "what will happen if."It does not allow financial problems to steal from her the joy of attaining affection. She competently approaches a choice of a place for sorts, after sorts leaves the child at itself, nurses on the first demand and carries the kid of James the most part of day - the full package of loving care. Tom is involved in all aspects of child care, with the exception of breastfeeding. Attachment is growing stronger.
After a month of attachment-based child care, Mary feels her strong connection with the child and is at peace with herself. The feeling of unity with the child translates the decision-making process of Tom and Mary to a higher level. Mary still understands what she needs to work, but she gives more importance to motherhood, because she realizes how important it is to maintain attachment. She understands that she can not rewind the film with the first months of the child's life, when everything is laid, but she will always have time to make money. She decides to return to work
gradually, first only for a couple of hours, and then, perhaps, more - focusing on the child as a barometer to measure the severity of separation.
In some respects, because of her strong attachment to the child, it is more painful for her to leave James;in other respects it is easier for her, because she knows in the depth of her heart( as confirmed by studies) that a strong early attachment makes the separation later less painful. A strong attachment between the mother and the child allows the child to transfer the nanny's mother's replacement more easily, and the mother helps to feel less guilt from the fact that she is leaving the child.
Strong affectionate couple seriously approaches the search for a nanny, choosing one that is inherently caring, sensitive and responsive. Mary spends some time trying to show how she would like to take care of her child.
At work, Mary switches to her child from time to time. In the end, all people at work allow their brains to walk a little in the open;why not let her mind attend the baby. Every three to four hours in her breast there is a tickling feeling and leaks milk, as if reminding that although professionally she can be in the office, she biologically feeds her mother. She expresses milk and cleans for storage,
enjoying this connection with James. Communication was not interrupted - because Mary arranged it.
Sometimes couples have the opportunity to freely change their work schedule, so that while the mother is working, the father is sitting with the child. In the end, if a mother takes care of earning some of the money, the dad can partly take care of the child.
At night, James sleeps next to Mom and Dad to partially make up for lost time in the day. Attachment continues at night. When Mary and Tom conduct an inventory of their "home care business", they make changes, taking into account the needs of all three .
They understand that while part of their once very busy life should be put aside, because James will be a baby for a relatively short time and their financial situation is likely to recover. They even include James in their social life, attracted to friends who think the same way as they do, and learn a lot from experienced parents who combine two careers.
What is the secret of their success? They found a way to get out, because they were convinced that parental care, built on affection, is of great importance. And they see that this approach pays off in full. Many years later, when Mary's office closes, and Tom's company moves to another location and their professional life changes, James will fully pay them dividends for their long-term contribution-affection.
How to find a connection and save it
Central to our approach to the question of a working mother is not how much the mother works, but how close the attachment is between the child and the mother. Although the emphasis is on working mothers, the broader question is how and mother and father of can work without forgetting about the child. Here are the secrets of keeping in touch with the child.
Squeeze everything from maternity leave. You do not need to live the day you return to work, so that this concern does not steal from you precious weeks of gaining contact with your child. In those weeks or months that you will spend at home with your child, apply as many concepts of attachment formation as possible. Let yourself be addicted to your child. Give your child to develop your skills in caring for him. Enjoy the time spent with your child, allowing mutual return to make you both show all the best that you are capable of.
Understand how important you are. Refresh the whole concept of attachment outlined in the question-answer form earlier in this article. Do not forget how important is the attachment between the parent and the child. Pay special attention to such concepts as mutual return, formation of each other and mutual sensitivity. Once you understand what a great thing is to grow a new life, you will become more inclined to make attachment your main value.
Restore communication with the child. Let the quality time that you spend with your child on your return from work, will be a time of care, a time of renewal of communication with the child. Continue to breastfeed after you go to work if you gave your child such feeding when they worked full time mom. As much as possible, carry the child in a bag, doing homework, running around shopping and other matters. Make the child an integral part of your life away from the workplace. Bury the child with things, in order to fill
lack of relationships, is not part of the concept of attachment. But to make up for lost sight of attention and communication - yes.
Keep affection at work. Photos of the baby, expressing milk and phone calls to nannies make it easier to communicate at a distance. Sometimes these reminders of a child can upset you. Consider this a sign that you have not lost sensitivity. Completely close from thinking about a child for eight hours a day is a process of etching the senses, which leads to the most common disease of working mothers - the distance between the mother and the baby.
Combine two works. As far as possible, choose a job that will allow you the maximum time to be a mother. Here are some recommendations:
• Organize a home business.
• Find a job near your home that will allow you to come home to visit your child and reconnect, or allow the nanny to bring your child to work for you.
Find work with a flexible schedule( with piecework payment), when you are given a certain amount of work, but you can choose your own hours of work to give time to care for your child.
Use the services of a children's group in the workplace, which will allow you and at work to stay close to your child and often visit him.
Work and wear. Whether you can take your child with you to work, depends on the child and work. The restless child and mother librarian can not coexist peacefully in one workplace. But there are a huge number of jobs that allow you to carry your child in a children's bag while you work. Here are some examples: work in children's goods stores( you will be a natural magnet for buyers), real estate sales, even office work in an environment in which the sounds produced by the child will not disturb anyone. Another option is to put a cradle or an arena in the corner of the cabinet. One of our patients works as a teacher on substitution and takes her child in a bag with her in class. Can you imagine what kind of attachment she gives to these impressionable future parents?
Find out yourself - find out your child. No work, even a mother's, will work out if you push yourself too far, beyond the bounds of pleasure from work. One mother in our practice made her real assessment of herself and her child: "When I worked full-time with my mother, it was too much for me;when I worked full time outside the house, it was too much for my child. "
She found a compromise. In addition to the fact that she switched to part-time, she also signed up for our recommendation to the maternity support group, so she could expand her horizons and get more pleasure from her maternal profession. When this inevitable question is answered: "And what do you do?", Another friend of ours says that she is an expert in early education. Without batting an eyelid, she can sit and paint her work in detail in order to keep this proud title.
Share the care of the child. If you bring home a part of the mammoth, point out to your husband for his part of the household duties, especially for nanny substitution when possible. One of the best accompanying products given by working mothers is the fathers more involved in caring for the child.
How to reduce the distance of
For many years now, we note that if mothers who are eagerly awaiting the birth of their child, plan to return to work a few weeks after birth, they may subconsciously not allow themselves to strongly adhere to their child, "becauseit will be so difficult to return to work. "Many of these children and mothers, who have too short a beginning, become victims of the disease, which leads to the combination of two careers - distance.
We tried in our practice to conduct such an experiment. During pregnancy or before the very birth, when mothers told me that they were going to return to work, I asked them to completely throw out this day of returning to work from the head."Enjoy the role of the mother as long as you can. Attach to your child. A couple of weeks before your return to work, we will discuss all the preparations. "Amazing changes were observed in these mothers.
• They delayed returning to work and asked for a medical certificate to extend maternity leave. I happily walked around on them and issued a standard certificate from Dr. Bill that the mother needed to stay at home with the baby for a while: "Since the child of Mrs. Smith is allergic to any milk, with the exception of her nursing, for medical reasons, it is necessaryextend her maternity leave so that she can meet the nutritional needs of her child without risking his life. "( This formulation is perfectly correct: at least in the first months of life the intestines of the child show allergic reactions, albeit microscopic at times, to any food product other than human milk, so the prescriber prescribes a prescription for the prophylactic.)
• The very idea of leaving a child in one place and leaving to work in another, becomes alien to them - it's as if you had to leave a part of yourself in two different places. The child became a part of the mother's life.
• These mothers went different ways. Some made radical changes in their lives and took leave for one or two years to be full-time moms. Others returned to work, but all came to one. They will work, but at the same time meet the needs of their children.
• Mothers who returned to work, found themselves places that provided them with maximum flexibility. These mothers agreed only to nannies who were able to offer a high level of sensitive solicitude. Some mothers even discussed some concessions with the employer, such as leave to care for a sick child and a flexible work schedule.
What happened to these mothers? For a month or two of loving care of a child, a connection is too valuable to break off, and they have done everything that was required to support this connection. These children have done more for their mothers than all the advice in the world can do-they showed their importance to mothers.