Relationship of an individual with distant and close relatives
Jun 19, 2018
We have established a strong connection of an individual with distant and close relatives. We noticed the deep and comprehensive dependence of family life on the social order. It only seems to us that everything that happens in the walls of our houses and apartments is created solely by our will and hunt. The views, tastes, habits, interests of each of us are affected by laws and moral attitudes worked out by society, the nation, and finally by professional norms and requirements. And on the contrary, on the public views, principles are influenced by the mores adopted in individual families.
Let's trace the nature of this interference.
Tell me which story is most often found in classical drama. The unhappy love of young people, to whom to connect hearts prevented social and property inequality: a peasant woman could not marry an aristocrat, the poor could not count on the consent of wealthy parents - to give her daughter for a "roll-over".The long history of not only property, caste, but also national, religious strife is paid for by suffering, tears and blood of lovers. And even simply inter-family enmity because of false notions of family honor( Romeo and Juliet).Passionate reckless attraction of loving hearts to each other, opposing prohibitions, gradually undermined, destroyed prejudices that separate people from hostile camps. Often, lovers reconciled enemies, sometimes condemning their deaths with harmful views and habits( like Katerina of "Storm").
The October Revolution, along with the bonds of social oppression, also broke the shadow of personal coercion. However, the former difficulties and hindrances are replaced by new, previously unthinkable. Earlier, the love and the characters of our grandparents experienced bondage, and we are free to choose our time. Freedom requires a special kind of self-confidence and responsibility from young people. For example, our ancestors adhered to the custom: to give their own child "at least for a hen, but for a neighboring street."There was not one caste limitation in this rule, but also a certain worldly wisdom: the homogeneity of the environment in which the groom and the bride grew up and brought up, in a certain measure, the community of interests, aspirations, everything that we call life's attitude. Those who grew up "in the neighboring streets" find it easier to find mutual understanding, which means that the union will be stronger. For equality of spouses as the most important condition for family well-being was pointed out by AI Herzen, this fighter against all kinds of prejudices, including class. He called unequal marriages - "forward sowing misfortune."
Present marriages very often, according to the old concepts, are "misalliances".Already more than one generation of spouses unites, not looking back, who and from what "street".
"Mesalians" - a natural and progressive phenomenon for the whole society - for certain couples turn into unexpected difficulties, which not every person, even an experienced person, can overcome without losing big losses. And nevertheless, differences in upbringing, morals are most often overcome: after all, 2/3 of families do not disintegrate. Their strength is the result not only of the spouses' own efforts, but also of the influence of external, social factors.
There is a unified educational and educational system in our country. People from the southern republics and from the Far North, from the peasant family or the capital's home - all study at the school on general programs that form unambiguous moral, public views, ideas about the values of life. We all children are impressed with respect for the human person, regardless of social origin, educational level, property status.
This educational uniformity serves us well. It helps not to eliminate, but to smooth out, mitigate the severity of discrepancies, contradictions that arise between those who grew up in unlike conditions.
The difference in the financial situation of families is one of the eternal obstacles to the union of lovers, as we have already said, has lost its decisive importance. Material calculation, once revered as a sign of reasonableness, the efficiency of a future husband or wife, is now considered the most serious crime before those who want to "buy" or who want to "sell" love more expensively. The present brides shrug their shoulders when the old-fashioned kinsman asks about the financial status of the groom. Similarly, future husbands behave.
And on what is this unselfishness based, what is it paid for and provided? Almost all the young spouses with whom I talked on this topic referred to changes in the improvement of common mores: they say, people have now become different. It's like that. But there are also objective, social reasons that influence the views of modern newlyweds. Here and guaranteed work, here and the opportunity to grow, move and move in any field of activity - would be hunting, knowledge and skills. Today's collective farmer, you see, tomorrow is a pilot, or even an astronaut. Or, without going beyond the outskirts of his native village, a hero, a deputy, a major leader, a world celebrity. The same thing in the city - the worker, the student. Horizons are not closed by class barriers, which formerly often the most outstanding personality overcame with difficulty, an ordinary person did not have to break through before.
A woman received the right to the same education with a man, the same salary. All this gives her real independence from her husband's power and the opportunity to decide for herself: whom to give her hand and heart, and not wait until parents do it. She can decide whether to remain her wife if the family life is not successful. So, the motives of the marriage have changed for women.
All the achievements of our country "work" on the disinterestedness of the current young people, the freedom to choose couples.
Moral attitudes and psychological factors have an increasingly decisive influence on the well-being of the spouses. For example, the cause of disagreement in current families often becomes not so much the property situation of household members, but rather the attitude to material values. A husband who grew up in a house where money was treated with care, it will not be easy to find a common language with a friend who is accustomed to save and cherish "good."And vice versa. Although the size of income in the parents' families was the same.
- So the calculation from personal relationships disappeared?- One of my interlocutors doubted. "Recently, there has been a reverse trend in young people: to look not only at the face of the future wife, her kind disposition, but also in the parents'" mansions ", the" position "of the family. And "liberated" girls often seek a profitable marriage with an unloved, but solid, held( or wealthy) person.
True. It happens. But in such an openly ancient version, the calculation is rather rare. He has acquired new ways to penetrate into the soul, ranks in the most unexpected masks.
- Tell me which dowry is more expensive: what their mothers gave to our grandmothers who were not considered poor at all, when carved beds, downy feather beds, a furry fur coat and a sum of money, or what the present parents give to their daughters,his daughter, when as a "fixed capital" are a diploma of special or higher education, a reliable profession? Indeed: the fur coat worn out, the money will live-spray. A profession - the value is reliable, time will only increase its importance, weight in the family boiler.
The same account for the groom. We will have to frankly admit that sometimes education, profession, cultural level is sometimes appreciated even by the most incompetent lovers. More than once, probably, you also had to hear such words: "Here is the lucky one: she marries a talented scientist( doctor, actor, pilot).He will go far".
- Now take care not only of the professional position of the husband, look back and on what amenities, comfort will bring a marriage. For example, I married a car - one price, without it - another, - insisted my opponent, again hinting at the prudence of the bride. But after all, there is a special account( calculation) of the suitors who prefer not to the mind and heart of their chosen one, but also whether she is able to create comfort and comfort for her husband. And there - though not talk with her heart to heart, no need to rely on. .. Young people who are married have not yet moved, expecting to have "dear servants for everything" in the person of their dear friend, as formerly said. And while they are convinced that in their marriage - everything is honest, decent. There are some among bizarre bachelors who, when asked why they do not acquire a family, answer self-assuredly: "I can serve myself".As if, indeed, the wife is then only needed to cajole her husband. How then a supporter of such views will pay off, it is known: many live life in meaningless loneliness, pay tribute to all the diseases and vices with which it is accompanied.
By the way, the number of bachelors with a similar look at his wife has increased significantly when we have strengthened the service of everyday life and catering. Here is another convincing example of how external conditions affect personal relationships.
Some sociological studies cited figures that said that not always marriages of convenience ended in catastrophe. Well, there are after all successful transactions which tie partners seriously and for a long time, and there the habit is included, children appear. And the husband and wife, it happens, become attached to each other stronger than other passionate lovers, who have had enough gunpowder only until the end of the honeymoon.
But if material calculation remains the main link, no term of cohabitation gives grounds to talk about family well-being. We have already identified with you that the basis of a modern family is a feeling, special cordial and friendly relations between family members.
- No, you, adults, do not agree with each other, - a disheveled young man once got up. "Then you tell us: be judicious, weigh and evaluate all the pros and cons of an alliance with your beloved girl( and him with a young man).Then say: it is not good to reason and weigh what kind of a woman( or a chosen one) has prospects, abilities and opportunities. Already a diploma, a profession, talent, diligence is placed in the graph of a valuable dowry. But is it possible to completely remove all these data from the brackets? It turns out that all our marriages are prudent, only the difference is in who and what takes into account. Who of us benefits, what calculation is more reasonable, far-sighted?
A conscious choice, resting on a heartfelt attraction, is really the guarantee of a lasting and lasting marriage. However, this choice must be made, focusing primarily on the character, life aspirations, moral attitude of the bridegroom or bride. And in this there will not be a dispute between the elders with the young, nor the visionary with the indiscreet.
There is one more task for you: which family do you think most likely will remain faithful, a fortress that was created by taking into account the external advantages of this marriage or taking into account the internal community? Let's use the information of sociology. The difference in assessments of life situations, own role in the family, views on the upbringing of children and other attitudes among divorced spouses is four times greater than the difference in the views of those who live in marriage.
So, it will be fairer to say and write in statements that divorcing spouses do not converge not so much with characters as with looks and attitudes toward the same things.
- Maybe this: married by calculation, but live - for love?
Such a probability exists, undoubtedly. Did Kitty love her fiancé Levin when she followed him after his unhappy passion for Vronsky? Of course not. But she sincerely fell in love with him afterwards, after the wedding. A calculating biscuit, the hero of the novel IA Goncharov's "Ordinary story", the senior Aduyev married from some "intellectual considerations."And he fell in love with his wife so passionately that for the sake of her health she decided to give up her business, to which she served, like an idol, her whole life.
It happens, and vice versa, they married for a lot of love. The desire has passed, each of the spouses, in fact, has new families, and do not disagree because the husband and wife do not want to lose their well-being, comfort or even public reputation. Loving marriage then becomes a purchase-sale.
Sober calculation is even needed by those who face a dilemma: marriage-marriage with a person who does not cause strong and obvious passion, physical attraction or, in general, bachelor life? By the way, such cases, when people join destinies for the sake of the desire to create a family in order not to remain lonely, is also not too small. In my opinion, the participants of this action can not be blamed. They do not seek the satisfaction of material needs, they crave for the satisfaction of sensory and spiritual inquiries. They love family life, love children, finally, very often they respect the future "half", have a friendly disposition and have a hope to love it heartily. And we realized: the commonality of aspirations, interests, needs is often stronger than a love affection binds people to each other.
Of course, the "clean" calculation in marriage has its "advantages".Relationships of spouses, although joyless, but built easier than those that are based on fragile emotions. In the first case, everything is more or less easily controlled and predicted: the balance-bulldo, plus or minus, requires only knowledge of arithmetic and market conditions, that now how much and to watch so that your partner will not put you out. And if you miscalculate, you will receive false values and blown up capitals. Disappointment will be only in one plan - in the material.
Where it is more difficult to calculate and anticipate all the turns, ups and downs in the character of the partner, changes in his soul, appearance, the mind of those qualities and qualities that attracted his couple to him. For example, a young man connected by the bonds of Hymen with the most charming of classmates, appreciating in her first of all the beauty, elegance and, so to speak, elegant packaging. But here the pregnancy and birth distorted the cute features, caused a noticeable damage to the configuration of the wife. Yes, and monitor the toilet, her hair does not have time. And now the young spouse is disappointed;this is not the wife who can make up his happiness. And he withdraws, not bound by any worries: the wife is an independent person, professionally independent. Will not be lost! And the child, as required by law, he will deduct a certain amount from his earnings. And it is not always realized: the material security does not compensate the woman and the child for the moral damage inflicted by the "disappointed" husband and father.
Or another situation. The girl was carried away by the young men for his erudition, the breadth and modernity of his views, his manner of behavior. Suddenly it is found out: everything is superficial. And erudition is just a tenacious memory, the ability to put into effect a spectacular word, and words and thoughts are foreign, borrowed. And the style of behavior is not its own property, but imitation of fashionable models. And the young spouse does not want to waste time and energy on improving her husband: "Become as I want," and immediately - otherwise she can go in search of another candidate more suited to her ideal.
Providing the woman with economic independence, the society placed on the shoulders of both spouses responsibility for the destiny of the family being created. However, as we see, young people are not always fully aware of this circumstance. Men believe that the material independence of women gives them the right to be "easy on the rise" when divorcing. Yes, and women sometimes do not lag behind them, rushing to find a new ideal.
Mankind has already realized the sad truth: there is no unambiguous and one-line progress. Sometimes for advantages in one business it is necessary to pay losses in something another. The unselfishness of the young, sometimes, leads to the fact that the spouses can not reasonably and intelligently lead their small, but complex household, and the family ship gives a leak for precisely this reason.
Much difficulty for a young family creates a difference in professional occupations and interests of spouses. Let's remind: about 80% of the population of Russia before the revolution lived in villages and engaged in agriculture. In these families all the members were united by a common cause: grandmothers, grandfathers, husbands and wives, children, grandchildren in joint labor and sweat earning their daily bread. And labor concerns were clear to everyone, they are experienced the same way. Now quite often spouses even approximately do not know, than in service "half" is occupied. Children are also concerned about something their own, often unclear to their parents, and at a higher level of education of the younger generation - is completely inaccessible.
Understandable and therefore interesting in this case are only moving on the career ladder, changes in wages( in children the transition to the next class, the next course and grades).Agree that the circle of communication in such a family is narrowing. From this often the spouses are more eager to meet with colleagues, they are more talkative with them than at home. For the home interview there are only topics of everyday life: what to buy, prepare, where to go on the day off. Some spouses start to look at the chosen one: is he not a dull person in the street, who in his wife is only interested in what she is cooking and how she is cleaning up? And her husband, in turn, worries about estrangement, the wife's misunderstanding of business aspirations and searches that fill his thoughts and heart. A misunderstanding here is natural. And it can be overcome by including a spouse or husband in the system of relations with friends and comrades who can be realized independently of the specialty of a person. Then gradually expand the circle of mutual interests.
- Well, if the occupation of a husband or wife is not at all interesting to a friend or girlfriend? What to do, to disperse?
Apparently, it is possible to smooth out acute angles with a common family passion, expanding the range of their activities. After all, one of the paradoxes of a modern family is this one: the more isolated this small community is, the more it is exposed to the destructive influences of outside influence, from which it is very difficult to hide now.
According to the conviction of Soviet and Czech sociologists, the more the family opens themselves up for wider communication, takes on other people's concerns and responds sensitively to the "planetary" events, the more personal mutual understanding between representatives of different generations and different levels of education, different professions,as now appear its members. Listen, take a closer look at the most friendly, benevolent families, as a rule, these are socially active people.
And with the transfer of family traditions, which used to be a connecting tissue between generations of relatives, now everything has become complicated. They sometimes do not have time to form, as they already need to be changed. Yesterday's tastes, habits, customs change with cruising speed. And not only in household trivia, but also in matters of considerable importance. Our life is a constant change: territorial, economic, social, professional. They seriously affect the way of life, habits, well-being of members of a small collective.
It is known because, in order to develop certain principles, it is necessary to repeat the actions and situations. That's why the family gravitates to a certain inertia: for it to move three times, it's like getting burned. And how many times does our family move from place to place? We are turning into a nomadic tribe: to study after school or not.
Then the experts on the destination are sent to a new distance. From there they are already moving with their own family around the country, until they settle for good. Yes, and then in the same city will often change their apartment and work.
Along with these movements, the environment changes: neighbors, co-workers, friends and acquaintances. The material and official position of the spouses is also changing. These changes are often not easily experienced. And sometimes it happens that the couple will endure, will withstand all the hardships, failures and illnesses of difficult years, but well-being will weaken their emotional ties. Learning to pull together, endure, overcome, they do not know how to carry lightweight luggage together. Begin with minor trifles to tear at the heart as if they are important concerns. Physiologists even found a definition of such a state, when loads are eased, and a person suddenly begins to mope, even falls ill, - "the syndrome of achievement."In the war, many people forgot about their ailments, about domestic turmoil and enough strength to excel the great common suffering. And the war was over, and the same Stoics, because of some smallness, ripped off their nerves. Yes, and you often see how quarrels occur because of the nonsense, and not because of vital reasons. And sometimes you argue with adults, what pants or skirts to wear, what hairstyles, with such passion, as if from this your destiny depends.
The former family gravitated toward the immutability of life, to the tradition of relations and habits, the modern family rather wants changes than fears them. But changes to it are not in vain given, so do not always need to rush with them.
On basic, fundamental issues, the family should have firm, you can say, unshakable installations. You have come across families where "the book( fashion) will say the last, it will fall on your heart".Without stable traditions, like without home habits, the house is not a house. Education in it is almost impossible: what is praised today-they are being hawed tomorrow. It is here that people grow, whose main aspiration is to keep up with fashion, not delving into the content itself, into the nature of innovation: it is good or bad, useful or harmful, beautiful or ugly. Even the most holy of saints - human, parental, marital relations, they "verify" only with these requirements.
Probably, and many of you know such voluntary slaves of fashion. They are ready to betray honor and fidelity, if these virtues are not respected by fashion legislators. The wisest of the ancients seriously warned against pursuing any novelty. It is necessary to change bad customs, and good traditions should be carefully stored and developed.
We need to part with the burden of past mistakes without regret and soon. Many of them we already called. To them it is necessary to add and. .. inertia, gravitation to habitual, though obsolete, views, foundations. That is, those properties, which we have just identified as the basis of family stability. But there's nothing to be done: in life in general, in family life in particular, dignity becomes a continuation of shortcomings, and vice versa. Zakostenevshey in the habits of the family is very difficult to accept any innovation. Relations with the youth, with neighbors are often conflicting. And already a new member of this clan, it happens, no one envies, although the family is famous for its strength and reliability.
- What, it turns out, the difficulties await us, in the family life! Exclaimed one senior high school student. "And we would not have guessed, looking at our parents.
But wherever you go, you will find that to build life according to the laws of freedom, justice, honor, kindness and love is a thousand times better, more joyful, but also as much more complicated than under the laws of iniquity, coercion, self-interest. A righteous life makes more demands on a person, expects from him a more conscious, responsible attitude to his mission, a greater culture of behavior. All this we have to study hard. That's why there are endless conversations with you: at home, on pages of newspapers and books. For this, the state spends more and more money on education. And also, as we already know, with a specific purpose. In our Basic Law, the Constitution, it is expressly stated: the state is interested in strengthening the family - the unit of society.
"Society is a mass consisting entirely of individual families, as it were of its molecules," found the founders of Marxism. You are already sufficiently educated to understand what a cell, molecule, means in the human body. Health "at the cellular level" ensures the stability of the entire system, cell disease, the cell of life, can be disastrous, while the arms, legs, head - everything seems to be whole. Social development, social progress largely depends on the processes that take place behind closed doors of private apartments. And how can it be otherwise, if the most important "product" is created here - the person himself, the creator and consumer of all material and spiritual values, with which the society is strong and rich.
On the constitutional foundations of relations between the state and the family, we will also talk specifically about the legal norms of our hostel.
In conclusion of this our conversation I want to offer such homework: try to reveal the relationship of your family with society. Naturally, first of all, the economic, material side of relations will open. Here and the salary of parents, pensions, grants, an apartment, your food, clothes, furniture, books. Here and your education, rest, health, cultural assets, to which you have access.
Relationship reverse: what does your family give to society? Merits of parents at work, family achievements in military and peaceful years. You can look back at your own contribution to the general welfare: your efforts, if not in the creation of material values, at least in preservation, in the diligent expenditure of what our common big family gives - the Motherland. One on one with your own conscience remember the torn books, broken chairs, spoiled benefits. Think that poor study is also a squandering of the public funds that we spend on the creation and maintenance of schools. Conversely, conscientious work is already your work, which "joins the work of my republic".
Your help in the house is a blessing not only for your parents, relief of their cares. This is also your contribution to public affairs. It is known in fact that the poor performance of the employee productivity falls by 15-20%.This means that if, because of you, the mother and father have sorrow and vexation at heart, they work worse. And vice versa, when they see you as good helpers, then their work is more fun to argue.
No one has yet appreciated the degree of your influence on the works of your parents in the case when you are sincerely interested in their affairs, show respect for their merits. And on the contrary, it is fair to estimate: how your critical statements, your careless irony, discourage your work. When newspaper publications, television films tell us about the achievements of eminent people, the founders of professional dynasties, it is quite possible to consider that a considerable share of fame belongs to children who expressed their readiness to take the baton from the hands of the older generation.
It is worth weighing and your attitude to your own health and to the parent too. You are well aware that it is the most important social value! In the literal and figurative sense of the word. Is it necessary to explain for a long time that a healthy person and a sick person are two different workers, a person. In addition, the giant funds from our common pocket are spent on the maintenance of polyclinics, hospitals, sanatoriums, etc. The expenditure of money for the rehabilitation of people affected by an accident, due to imperfections in production conditions, due to congenital ailments, is a naturalnecessity, there is no need to regret or squint. But how annoying is it to see that the public domain is spent on correcting our own errors, negligence in relation to our organism, on healing the vices generated by laziness, lack of will, the thoughtless pursuit of stupid fashion, spiritual deafness.
Try to remember how many lessons on the diseases you missed because of frivolous disregard for the advice of adults: tempering, exercise, sports. And how many times my mother( father or grandmother and grandfather) jumped blood pressure, worsened various chronic diseases because of your rudeness, pranks, inattention to them, insolence with teachers( by the way, and the health of teachers is largely your concern).
We discussed the behavior of lovers to test their courage in all sorts of risky adventures, skirmishes, fights. If they have not crossed the limits of what is permitted, the consequences usually are dealt with by educators, parents. But it is not a secret for you that others do not stay within this framework. And then they are taken over by the public order services. We must admit that parents often violate the law, also pushed by their insatiable children. Another child does not want to know where and how to get a loving mother or father money to buy a fashionable and expensive toy, like a tape recorder, a moped."Give, give!" - one word knows such a child. And he does not feel guilty when he finds out that the parent is in charge of the court for unworthy methods of enrichment.
Criminals of any suit and scale are very expensive for society, both economically and spiritually. A huge number of people who could produce spiritual and material values are distracted from this activity and spend their energy, creative potencies to cleanse our everyday life from dirt, which we also planted. And the guilty themselves, instead of bringing good to themselves and society, spend in imprisonment long, fruitless, desperate years.
Think about what your adults are leading your requirements: to goodness and honor or dishonor?
Many of us are not prevented by a similar reminder. It does not stop to look impartially at how we use the opportunities that society gives us to develop our own abilities. Ask yourself a few questions: Do you often go to libraries, museums, theaters, stadiums, if they are in your area? And why do you go there: "kill time"( that is, "kill" the efforts of those who create cultural and material values) or to really discover dormant forces for yourself and others? After all, the true culture is determined not by the number of books read, movies and plays viewed, but by the ability to transform the acquired knowledge into cultural behavior.
You see: again, in our conversation, arose the need to turn your eyes to your own actions, to shortcomings and weaknesses. But these tasks are not at all set up here to offend you. You are not yet magicians, you are just learning, including this most complicated science - to be conscientious citizens. And how will you learn, if you do not evaluate your place and participation in common works and cares?"Take care of your honor in youth" - this is exactly said. Apparently, your time has come to think about your honor in the face of your close and distant fellow citizens.