A man values marriage in marriage.
And now let's look at the psychological problems associated with the process of divorce itself.
Divorce is a small death
Socrates:
- People divorce at once: decided - and divorced? Or they will disperse, they will converge, then again they will disperse, then again they will converge - and in the end they will disperse and divorce?
Choir:
- Of course, the second option.
Socrates:
- And the first one? Choir:
- Very rare. As an exception.
Well, this mate - will disperse sodomozatsujutsja sosedutsja - often proceeds longly enough. What is it caused by? Here I do not dare to ask a chorus of popular voices., I'll explain everything myself, as I understand it. And let the reader agree or correct my interpretations of the specialist.
When negative impressions accumulate and when we are already accustomed to the positive( see the illusion of mutual evaluation) - the negative in the partner starts to irritate us. I want to get rid of him. There is an internal conflict "approaching aversion" according to Kurt Levin, the one who left Hitler in the United States before a big war. I will explain. Levin identified three types of intrapersonal conflicts. The most tricky we have already called: "approaching the aversion".I want to admire the beauty of my wife, but I do not want to tolerate her whims. There is an
conflict "approximation approach": I want to go to the movies and I want to have dinner."Avoidance Avoidance": I want to avoid reproaches that I ate a cake, and I want to avoid hunger. ..
So this very tricky inner conflict "approaching aversion" has the closest relationship to our topic. And even an example for clarification - I want beauty, but I'm sick of moods - we brought it right on the topic. Further events are also known: to beauty has got used, and whims all time terrorize, negative impressions from them collect. Analogous experiences with his wife: I want his status and earnings, but I'm tired of cavils to the fact that I go uncombed. Negative impressions again accumulate and go off scale, and indifference sets in. And then both have a ripe decision - to disperse.
Parted. The gap. Under the laws of repression, open Sigmund Freud, negative impressions are forgotten. Remember and remember the positive. Such intrapersonal events are called psychic protection. The psyche is protected from unpleasant experiences. A replacement of a spouse for another, better, no. And the reverse process begins - it is necessary to converge. ..
Converged Again the cons add to the eyes. It is necessary to disperse. ..
Yes, it really looks like a pendulum: dispersed - agreed - dispersed -decided - dispersed - agreed. ..
But with the word "pendulum" there is one more association. Close here on the meaning of the word "toil".They are being harassed. Therefore. I used the word "mate".And she, this mate, continues until the moment when one does not find a replacement.
And the other one is left. But when he really remains alone. .. it's like death. But death is an instant - except for the notorious corridor with light at the end of the tunnel. And here is loneliness, which, it seems, lasts for ages. Nevertheless, since we do not go into total oblivion, I allowed myself a metaphor for "a small death".
According to the interviews of many abandoned husbands and wives, I can highlight a lot of painful experiences.
Life seemed to be cut off, it seems hopeless.
It all lost its meaning. I do not want to do anything, just lie and sleep.• The faith in people disappeared. After all, I was left by the one to whom I gave
everything - freedom, youth, property, who cared for whom for
I worked, with whom I gave birth to a child.
• It's gnawing at the problem of how to communicate with a departed husband about children.
Overcomes an eerie feeling of jealousy. Before the eyes of the scene of sexual betrayal.
• Strongly negative attitude towards the former spouse( wife) and the opponent( rival) to which they left.
The thirst for revenge. They come up with thoughts of how to take revenge on your spouse and how to take revenge on your opponent.
• Plans how to return the departed.
How to share property, especially a home.
The problem of finding replacements.
Rethinking your own behavior, self-blame.
Much is contradictory in these experiences. A thirst for revenge and a thirst to return. Charges and self-incriminations. But all experiences are built around this key event - the gap. This mental trauma is accompanied by tears, despondency, insomnia. Experiences can be limited to the framework of a psychological reaction, but they can go off scale and develop into neurosis and even into psychosis.
Later, mental wounds "cicatrize", a person somehow comes back to life, enters into a new relationship.
Under the law of mental protection, the departed depreciates. He's gone-he's bad. She's gone-she's bad. This is if you can not return it.
There is some difference between the male and female psyche. In women, mental protection is straightforward: he left - hence, he is bad. I gave him youth. This reproach is purely manipulative. He, too, gave her her youth or maturity. .. She most often reasoned emotionally: "He went to her, even if she will show him, so he needs it."The man is more reasonable. He can say, for example: "She left, underestimated me, she did badly, but God is her judge," God grant you my beloved to be different. "
Church marriage is indissoluble. But how little do we know about torment with each other and with such indissoluble marriage. If it is fastened with external tablets, hoops."Betrothed" is read as "doomed".Also bad. So people are secular, democratically minded - for a marriage that is terminated by circumstances.
But then their problems - they acquired common property. Well, how can you divide the dacha? Not forks and spoons - the subject of sharing. Dachato one. So much it is invested And the legislators come up with such a thing as a marriage contract, in which the key word is "divorce.""When divorcing property is divided tact and tact. .." Brrr. .. conclude a marriage, enter into a marriage, and they are not talking about love, but about how they will divide family silver in the event of a divorce. There was and still remains a problem problem. If the spouse has registered, then after six months of living, he already has the right to an area. And it is clear that there will always be people who are ready to pretend to be lovers, register and sue the square.
However, the most important thing is a child.
After all, and children. .. And here that: one child - one, another - another?. . And here. .. more brrrr. .. And if one child? That's quite brrrrrr. .. Recall, we have already "decided" that the stress of the gap with the child, in comparison with the loss of marriage, is double, as it is its own blood. So: "a little death". ..
The Old Testament tells how King Solomon held his court wisely and slyly - also, of course, brrrr. Two women challenged the rights to the child who was presented to Solomon. Each stated that she was the mother of a child. Solomon ordered to bring an ax and cut the child, in half, they say, each will receive half. And now the real mother refused her child if only he was alive, and sly, and we think that the good Solomon gave it to her. And parents, sharing a child, cut his heart and soul. Without thinking, what is it to him. They set up the child against another, of course, "bad" parent.