I am the seven "I"
Jun 18, 2018
This is a poem by Andrei Voznesensky "Autoregression".There is a poetic image in this verse, which is very important and expensive: "I am a family," Voznesensky said, referring to his multifacetedness and ambiguity. After all, in the family, each of us has many incarnations, performs several roles, in fact, drastically different from each other! I am a daughter( son), granddaughter( grandson), sister( brother), wife( husband), mother( father), daughter-in-law( son-in-law), mother-in-law, father-in-law( father-in-law), grandmother( grandfather).That's how many important roles go to our lot, and in ties with distant relatives - and even more.
Simultaneously, each of us embodies the features of the ancestors of many generations. And the external features are borrowed from different relatives: the nose is the mother, the height and the figure are the daddies, the hair is the grandfather, the hands and the gait are the grandmothers, etc. And the temperament is inherited not in the exact and unambiguous repetition of Mom and Dad:examples, when children repeat the nature of grandfathers and grandmothers, and even represent an explosive mixture.
The same complex connection is our vital judgments, ideas about what is proper, about worthy, about what to want and how to be able. And when we take up the self-esteem, behind our backs in front of the mirror invisibly all those who gave birth to us, nurtured and fostered.
We will not be able to know ourselves if we do not have the norms and measures that were inspired from early childhood. It's good, it's bad, beautiful - ugly, reasonable - stupid, decent - dishonest. Let us overlook some rules and rules, ignoring them, seemingly even ignoring them, but in the depth of our consciousness they still live and act as strict judges in such cases when we have to evaluate our nature without embellishment.
The character of our self-awareness was deeply revealed by K. Marx: "So, how he will be born without a mirror in his hands. .. then a person looks at first like in a mirror, into another person. Only by treating Paul as a man to himself, Peter begins to treat himself as a person "(Marx K., Engels F. Soch., Vol. 23, p. 62).And yet: "... Individuals both physically and spiritually create each other"( Marx K-, Engels F. Soch., Vol. 3, p. 36).
Who do you more than relatives do? That is why we can not understand ourselves, not penetrating in particular the relationships that are being built and are developing with us with our "creators" and fellow-workers in the creation of the individual.
Parents, family - familiar to all words. But what do scientists put in these concepts?
How many disputes I had to listen to on this topic. Several years ago, two authoritative researchers vigorously defended their points of view on one, but very significant detail: whether to include in the definition of a family the special nature of relations between its members or not? One said: it is enough to call a family a small social group, a united housing, a common budget and related ties. Another objected: it is necessary to include the specific relationships of family members, in particular mutual assistance. Without these relationships, the family may not be, but there will be cohabitation of people who are together holding living space, money, economy, and this is not the main thing in the family relations of our contemporaries.
Tragic figure from the well-known novel by ME Saltykov-Shchedrin "Lord Golovleva."The head of this family, Arina Petrovna, at the end of her life came to the sad conclusion: "She arranged everything for life, she was killed over something, but it turns out that she was killing herself over a ghost. All her life the word "family" did not leave her tongue: she executed some for the family, rewarded others;in the name of the family, she subjected herself to hardship, tortured herself, disfigured her whole life - and suddenly it turns out that she does not have families!
- Lord! Yes, really, and everyone is like that!- was spinning in her head. "
Unfortunately, families now meet, whose members probably can experience this insight: what they recognized as a family is a ghost. And all because they did not know, did not understand what it really should be.
A completely different picture emerges in the life of those who are deeply aware of the meaning and meaning of such a connection of people.
Remember, what awe-inspiring wonder aroused and evoked by the families of exiled Decembrists. Husbands - in convict burrows, wives - nearby or for thousands of miles. They were united by heart and soul, even when they had no common roofs, only rare visits under the watchful eye of the guards. And were their family relations interrupted from forced separation? Of course not.
Yes, that is far to the past for examples to go! Nowadays, when cities and scales populated by yesterday's schoolchildren rise in new places, does this mean that there are childless old people behind their backs, and here Ivans are settled, who do not remember kinship, orphans are erratic?
If we evaluate purely external phenomena, then everything is correct: when a new, young family appears, the old one, as it were, collapses, ceases to exist. However, the majority of relations with the older generation are not only not interrupted, on the contrary, they acquire new significance and content. Ask many young spouses: when they experienced a burning need for a spiritual and personal community, the help of the older generation? The answer usually follows one: when they themselves became daddy and mother. Because they realized, in the first place, what a huge work it is to raise a child. Understood and really appreciated the merit of parents in their own destiny. And secondly, they saw their helplessness before the complexities of life: economic, moral, and psychological. Without the advice of elders, without their participation it is difficult to get back on their feet. The statistics have already noticed that the number of divorces in young families depends, except for a multitude of other reasons, on whether old people are close to old people and whether they help.
Family material ties, as a rule, do not stop when a son or daughter leaves their native nest. Say, yesterday's villager settled in the city, leaving the elderly in the village. Here also go to the post office: you see, parents from the village send their offspring parcels-transfers, while he has not yet flinched. Then there is going to be a movement in the opposite direction: a prosperous townspeople supplies village relatives with urban goods. Unless, then, can we assume that both families do not depend on each other financially? Hardly, although the main material wealth and are earned and spent separately.
Sometimes, at first glance, help may not have a material embodiment. For example, care for a small child, for a sick old man. When young spouses take with pleasure the care of grandmothers coming from the other end of the city to feed, take a walk with their grandson, bring their granddaughter "to music" or to the pool, few people think that this very young family is receiving significant material assistance. But if you translate disinterested cares and labors into the quotations of some service of everyday life-oh-oh, what a penny it would be! In the same way, an invitation from someone else's person to fix something in their apartment, run for medicine, deliver food, prepare dinner - everything that selflessly taken loving children and grandchildren undertake would essentially respond on the budget of retired parents.
If none of the relatives has a special need for help today, then confidence is very important: at a difficult moment, there is someone to ask for help.
This confidence is already from the sphere of spiritual ties. And the heart community can also be expressed in different ways: from daily contacts, question-reports, to a short letter, a brief telephone conversation. The main thing here is an inner feeling: there are relatives who are ready to understand you, sympathize, share with you joy and sorrow. If among the relatives there are no hunters to share success with you, let alone grief, then it is really in vain to call family relations like these, regardless of how these people lived among themselves, no matter how they themselves call themselves: husband and wife, parentsand children, brothers and sisters. It is a sound one, formal titles and titles.
Spiritual communication is manifested in the natural need to see each other, to communicate, to be interested in everything that happens in the life of each member of the family.
- We believed that such relationships are more inherent in human friendship. It does not require daily communication, material dependence. This friend usually rushes at the first call, and at the rest of the time remains invisible and unobtrusive - such a protest can be heard. Well, that's right. It seems that a real human family can be called a blood community.
Now we have invaded the sphere of special feelings, emotional relations between family members. What is this emotion?
At one time, our state set out to destroy the world of cleanliness, violence, exploitation of man by man, calculating relationships between loving people. Basically, this task is realized as a result of the enormous social changes that have taken place in the life of the whole society and every person. Now only a few units of bride and groom give their hand, not giving heart, melting, like a stone in a bosom, a naked calculation. The vast majority of couples go to the crown, as they said in the old days, for sincere sympathy, for mutual love. And what other feelings are needed and important for the creation of a family, for its prosperous existence? For love they unite, people attach themselves to love, grow and flower.
However, studies show that one love is not enough for a long and happy marriage. Sociologists give sad statistics of divorces. Yes, you yourself know that in recent years, more frequent divorce, although most of the former spouses married for love. Well, even a strong inclination requires such "supports" as a sense of responsibility for another person, consciousness - not in a movie with a friend-girlfriend, gathered, but build a common destiny. So, keep up the patience and the debt. But many young people do not want to hear about their debts and they have a very wrong idea about love.
Inability to recognize the different guises of love, ignorance that conjugal love and premarital, and also - extramarital affairs - these are completely different feelings, confusing not only young but also quite mature people. These feelings do not resemble those of a strong ear for grain, from which it grew. But we will talk more about the distinctive properties of conjugal feelings a little later. And now let us return to the definition of the family and its modern foundations.
The dispute over the nature of this phenomenon is basically now complete. In the philosophical dictionary, the family formula looks like this in a concise statement: the family is a cell, a small social group of society based on a conjugal union and kinship, that is, on the multilateral relations between husband and wife, parents and children, brothers and sisters and other relatives, living together and leading a common household. In the definition, as you can see, the relationship got the palm of primacy, and the economy has receded into the background, although they are interconnected in the most intimate way. And first of all this is the essence of the transformation of our time, one of the differences between the new family and the old. After all, if before the indicator of family well-being was the possession of property, material and official prosperity, and the greatest misfortune is ruin, then in the new version the well-being of the family is determined by the spiritual and hearty wealth of its members, given for the common good. The economy, from the goal of all the physical and mental efforts of the family, is transformed into a means of reproducing the physical and mental strength of people directed toward strengthening and perfecting the heart connections.
- Not everyone has such views. Another time because of the property such passions flare up, that people forget about cordial ties, native blood. - Do you recognize the opponent's voice?
Everything new, as you know, is maturing, is born in the bowels of the old and bears the traits of its parent. Our modern family often wears the signs of both the old and the new formation. There are also "pure specimens": old or new. Most of the same two begin a relentless struggle with varying success. When material interests begin to obscure, suppress good feelings in us, dictate to whom and how to behave, it means that the long experience of predecessors began to speak in us. When we "corner" the raging real passions and call on reason, conscience, justice and love to guide us on the true path in relations with each other, we thereby help the new to win, to establish itself in our way of life. Although, I repeat, both family experience and history convince: new such relations can be called with reservation. Their novelty consists only in the fact that, out of the happy and rare fate of the chosen ones, they can and should become the norm for the majority.
Absolutization of some assessments, judgments in our conversation with you is fraught with not only inaccuracy, but also injustice. Other people who are ripe for conclusions can be filled with confidence: here, they say, we are what, educated, pure, noble, not that our selfish ancestors! Remember the important characteristic of the person: the ability to overcome. Perhaps, in this ability to withstand adversity, it will be difficult to compete with some of our contemporaries with many of our predecessors. They did not have a broad education and scholarship, they were pressured by their lack of rights and poverty, which often forced them to settle scores and calculations when creating a family( here, from each smallness life depended, not pleasure of comfort or possession of some valuable bauble), they believed ininferiority of women, in the fact that children are parental property. And yet our people preserved and multiplied in the soul and in life a good beginning.
Take the collections of old songs, fairy tales, epics: they all teach kindness, unselfishness, respect for the human dignity of any family member.
- If the people's experience has created and preserved samples of virtuous family relationships, why did all our ancestors not follow them and we were not accustomed to it, then it would not have required these exercises, would everything be done by itself?
That's really a mystery: why people are not in a hurry to follow good examples, but also strive to make their own mistakes, set bruises and cones, before they reach the right path? More than one generation was racking its head over its resolution. Bad examples are contagious, and good ones need to be planted and cultivated. Weed, as you know, grows itself, not that our daily bread.
I do not presume to affirm resolutely, but one of the reasons is seen in the people's special attitude to the misfortune and prosperity that has developed over the centuries. Imagine this situation: with a large crowd of people laughing, jumping for joy. What will be the reaction of passers-by? Most likely they will smile, or even reproachfully shake their heads: he does not know how to hold back. But, believe me, no one will question him about what happened, can not participate in his joy.
And then you can imagine how those same passers-by will react to someone else's sadness, pain, suffering, trouble. In the vast majority of cases, people will not be left without attention and sympathy. The people will certainly gather, questions will be asked, tips: what to do, where to turn."Reflex participation" - so you can determine a similar reaction. Mankind is accustomed to the centuries of hard struggle for its existence to run to the scream of trouble. But not always the experience gained in the moments of participation, is postponed in consciousness. Not that it would be enough for neighbor's mistakes, then to always be ready to lay straws, so that you can not fall on the same place. So no, we multiply the same misses.
Because, apparently, history, literature and art have accumulated mountains of narratives about unhappy families, and little is known about happy ones."We learn from mistakes" - a famous saying. But where it would be more successful to move things, if we were to learn from success, albeit on strangers.
Another reason that good experience seldom attracts attention is the conviction formulated by Leo Tolstoy so well in his famous "Anna Karenina": happy families are similar to each other, and unhappy families are unhappy in their own way. Outwardly, calm well-being creates the impression of monotony.
So it is so, and not quite. If you try to delve into the details of various circumstances, you will find that they have a lot of details, particulars, which usually differ. And not only bad, but also good circumstances.
An incredible variety can be found in the lives of families who consider themselves ordinary, living "normally."But dissimilarity is only revealed to a very interested eye: restraint, shyness make these families not to flaunt their achievements.
If we turn to well-known literary sources, then we will find an amazing difference between happy couples. Tell me, what is the relationship between the life of the heroes of Chernyshevsky, the Kirsanovs, and the life of Gogol's "old-world landowners"?Nothing. The first - the feeling, illuminated by deep knowledge, high culture, meaningful creation of unusual relationships, when every day, every step is an experiment. Others - a sweet nap, almost lethargic state, in whom the most important virtue is immutability, constancy of feelings and habits. And is it possible to imagine the lovely Athanasius Ivanovich and Pulcheria Ivanovna next to a couple of fiery fighters for the liberation of the people-the Insarovs, Elena and Dmitri, heroes of Ivan Turgenev's novel "On the Eve"?
Remember the family relations of the older and younger generations of Rostovs. Or gathered under the same roof of Natasha and Pierre, Princess Mary and Nicholas. Their lives differ from the lives of the Levinas - Kitty and Constantine, the heroes of the novel "Anna Karenina."The existence of some serene and clear, although not without problems, losses - everything that accompanies any human couple. The relations of others are tense and painful.
The complexities in well-to-do families, with thoughtful study, are no less than in the unfortunate ones. These families distinguish, in my opinion, the ability to withstand destructive forces acting from the outside and from within. Who is able to overcome adversity, those, in the end, are called prosperous, happy. And on the contrary, those who could not stand the test, refused to love, who surrendered in the fight against adversity - unhappy. Odessa sociologists interviewed divorced and married couples: Is it easy to build a family relationship?"It is easy," - most often answered those who could not build them - divorced;"It is difficult," most of the couples answered. Still it would not be difficult! Especially if you do not learn to overcome those who managed to survive.
The first condition of happiness is precisely that it is not tired to look for good examples. And the second: to create a lasting home you need to have in your head a clear plan( goal) and be able to choose the appropriate means. This is the combination of the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle considered the most important condition for success in any undertaking and deed.
If you ask other young people who marry, it often turns out that they did not look in tomorrow, going to the registry office. Their goals are very different, and the means of choosing a marriage. For example, it was enviable for a girl that her girlfriends were already getting married, and she was still at home. And I want to show off in a wedding dress: a long dress, a veil, flowers, music - and she, all so airy, like a fairy princess! And she gives the consent to become the wife to the person to whom does not feel any feelings, except gratitude for the made offer. Will it benefit from such a marriage? Hardly. Unless blind luck catches, which is just as rare as a big win in the lottery.
- This is a curiosity, a ridiculous case, also very rare, - you object.
It's true: it does not happen every day. And yet it happens. But that's what constantly hear from the newlyweds: "We decided to get married, because we love each other and want to be together."Then, really, it's enough to register and settle down together - and the goal is achieved! And then what? Young people are lost, can not say something coherent. The other is long-term goals for life, they have no prospects. That is why satiety and disappointment with each other very quickly come. If we had known everything before the wedding, understood the true vocation of a family man, it is quite possible that there would be fewer quick-thinking and frivolous marriages, but, of course, there would be less divorce due to the trifles of everyday life.
One of the appointments of the family, in all likelihood, is the same as the appointment of an individual: to identify in each of its members and in itself all the best that is in it, develop and give to the common good. Reproduction of life in all its hypostases and its change for the better is the common and ultimate goal of the joint life of husband and wife. And it is natural that it is possible to realize it fully only if there are children.(What can be "reproduction of life" without offspring?)
We have already talked about the fact that family legal norms are united in our Family and Marriage Code. As you can see, lawyers do not recognize the identity between these concepts, otherwise it would take one, and not two words. In all likelihood, this has its own profound meaning. Marriage is the first stage on the way to creating a family. This is the relationship of two, aimed at each other. A truly family relationship between husband and wife, in my opinion, is only with the advent of the child. According to Herzen's figurative expression, there is a miracle of the transformation of two egoists into altruists, preoccupied with the blessing of the third - their common child.
A person can reproduce himself physically, not in a matrimonial relationship. For the birth of a child, a passing acquaintance of a man and a woman is enough. And what will be reproduced in this case? The color of the eyes, hair, body structure and so on is temperament. But only in the course of a long life together, work, cares, a man and a woman can count on full and comprehensive reproduction of oneself, of their inner content in the child. They can convey ideological and moral attitudes developed by society and assimilated by themselves, principles, transfer professional knowledge and skills, household tastes and habits. Only in a family home can create and reproduce a certain culture of intimate relationships.
And the more complex the human being becomes, the stronger and longer the union of those who want to immortalize themselves in the offspring, and not only their body, but also their soul, their ideals.
I want to draw your attention to such a remarkable fact: the more spiritually rich the human personality, the more serious and responsible it is for children. Agree: it is difficult to find greater importance than the immortality and immortality of a loved one. That's why the children are the main value for the family. And that's why your parents are so concerned about when they discover in your traits and properties traces of foreign and bad influence;that's why they barely restrain the celebration when they notice that the child adopts good family traditions.
Of course, thoughts about immortality do not so often visit them. Much is done instinctively, rather than deliberately. Mother teaches the kid the same fun that she has borne out of her childhood, purrs the melody of the lullabies, heard from her mother. Feeds and heals, teaches and nurtures his child, using acquired knowledge and inherited from relatives. And a child, long before he can act sensibly, purposefully, already has life rules, habits, good and bad, existing in the family. To the school, his nature is mainly formed, which can be difficult to change even by strong-willed efforts.
Family - seven-I.We all live, move, change in time and space. And our need for friends, given by nature, that is, in relatives, has undergone changes over the years. After observing the behavior of others, one can observe a certain regularity, cyclicity in the development of kinship relations. It looks like this.
At the earliest age the child is drawn to the mother, to the father. This is when he is completely helpless when he acquires primary skills of being. Then he has an interest in his peers, the children of the elder and younger. With them, he learns to communicate on an equal footing, subordinating his interests to others, learning to subordinate himself and to patronize those who are less, weaker, trying to convey to others their knowledge and skills.
In adolescence, a person begins to experience a desire for self-affirmation: it is during this period that a lot of conflicts arise( then realized as funny and shameful) with parents and teachers."I am myself!" And good hands are pushed back, trying to keep from falling. And the tests "for adulthood" begin. Then the house seems almost a cage, from which it is necessary to fly where the eyes look.
Youth is already completely absorbed in self-management in life;parents are often perceived only as an "auxiliary force".Internal communications noticeably weaken: feelings are spent on the girlfriend, the friend, on different sorts of hobbies, including on such which become a matter, a trade. At this time, young people often act only as consumers of household goods and, to a lesser extent, as companions of their parents.
The appearance of children again unfolds young dads and mothers facing their own parents.
Finally, a young family acquires stability, maturity. The lion's share of the strength and time in people from 30 to 45 years is occupied by official, business concerns. We do not have time to talk with children, to go to aging parents( or even write): the work that constantly grows in volume, in official complexity and responsibility, becomes the goal and meaning, and the family seems to be even a hindrance. Sociologists have discovered an amazing fact: the number of divorces of spouses with 10-year-olds and more is unexpectedly increasing, instead of decreasing( in comparison with the newlyweds).In all likelihood, fluctuations, transitional stages in human relations, which alternately bring to the fore those common-interest interests, then purely personal, then business ones, are affecting them. Not everyone does not always manage to keep pace on all fronts at the same time.
But the more gray hair in mom and dad's hair, the more kind and attentive they become to their aging relatives. There is, as it were, the second "return of the prodigal children" under the roof of the paternal house. Most often they turn to memories of the years of childhood and adolescence. With pleasure they listen to stories about their own childish leprosy. Nostalgia for the past is the first sign that a person slows down his run into tomorrow.
The elderly parents are already quite ready to give all their strength and attention again to adult children who "for some reason" reject excessive parental care. And then all unspent feelings turn to grandchildren. And in that a new light is acquired, which warms gradually the cooling heart. But in our being, usually with light, a shadow adjoins. And the time of a happy renewal of the clan, the appearance of grandchildren, is often accompanied by the burdens and deceits of the grandparents, that is, elderly great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, who seek care from their mature children and grandchildren. Their demise is the end of a cycle of life of one generation, the closure of its circle: from non-existence a man emerged into oblivion and left. What he left behind himself on earth is an assessment of the meaning of his existence. How much he took from previous generations, multiplied by his works the common heritage, passed on to posterity, so he will be rewarded in human memory, so he will fulfill his earthly purpose.
We are all included by nature in this circuit: both great and small, and strong, and weak. And if not all of us get a grateful memory of the people, colleagues, comrades-in-arms, then leave almost a good trail honest, skillful, industrious offspring can almost everything.
Speaking about the well-being of the family, we must proceed from the fact that the well-being of "our" and "mine" has the same sources and prerequisites. Much and in the family determine the purpose and means, the orientation of needs, interests. The main advantage of the family, as well as of the individual, is the overcoming of external and internal obstacles on the way to a harmonious fusion of the desires of all its members, their capabilities and duty. The family, like every person, comprehends itself not only in interviews and clarification of personal relationships, but "looking like in a mirror," to other families. And through their relatives each of us goes on broad connections with a great family, called the PEOPLE.OUR GENUS - is this a huge, reliable, courageous word that is deciphered? HOMELAND, FATHERLAND - all these are family concepts, radiating the same light and warmth, generating a feeling of support and hope.
Try to determine the extent and extent of influence on your tastes, interests, habits of your family members. Find traces and your influence on the style and way of life of your relatives.
What is changing in your home( for the better) because of your desire for independence, independence?
How does your "I" relate to the desires and capabilities of other members of your small community? Are you interested in welfare at home or only your own?
Do you realize that your love and the strength of their marriage depend on your relationship with your parents?