Public opinion.

The "neighborhood" environment is more often set up? Women are keeper of the hearth, men are drunkards and revelers. Even if she betrays him, it's only "because he insults her."And indeed, there are more drunkards among men than among women. But we have already specified that there are more moral geniuses. At men all so. More talents in science and more oligophrenics( than among women).More shorties and more lanky. More very bad and more very good. I talked about all this when I discussed the reasons for the greater activity of wives in divorces. Remember the argument: "I'm no worse than a friend, and my husband is worse than her husband"?But what else follows from the concept of Vigen Geodakian? The drunkards are struck in the eye, and for them - the sample after all - the conclusion is made about the whole male: the average man is worse than the average woman. A more complex pattern( for men in general there are more extremes) is not taken into account, it is not known in wide circles. Geodakian after all discussed his theory not in newspapers, but in scientific journals. So the public opinion at home and in the service

sphere is not in favor of the young man. And a little bit - this opinion can be appealed.

Well, this is the lever of power, even if small, but in the hands of the wife. A young man would have thought of coming to the authorities about family conflicts. .. His co-workers would have laughed at him. It's another matter if she comes to work for him. Of course, now is not the time of the Khrushchev-Brezhnev stagnation, but today the wife will soon find understanding and support. Smoke without fire does not happen - believe colleagues. The head of the woman will support a young wife from women's solidarity. The leader of a man will support a young wife in spite of male solidarity, from rivalry;although the motives do not even recognize themselves. And the motives are as follows. Now I'll do her a favor, protect her, and then we'll know her, they'll divorce, and she'll start a romance with me. And in relation to the young husband, the boss is triggered by "parental" tendencies - to punish. The young husband is promoted, and any comma can become a point along the way. So the young man is afraid of complaining about his work from his wife.

In economics, the husband is ignorant. To some extent it is profitable for him. Instead of domestic cares, you can do interesting for him men's affairs. And he does not resist such a position. But losing is proving much more. Wife in economics is competent, but he is not. So, it is she who manages the loans. He gives her money, but she gives it to him. On the transport. On the purchase of a laundry. She's an employer in the house. And gave work, it is necessary to control its execution. It also performs the functions of the OTK( technical control department).She is a home prosecutor and a judge. She's a home bailiff - you have to punish negligence with Pletka, of course, you can not. But you can grumble. .. Or silence.

Socrates:

- And what's harder? Choir:

- Silence. .. Socrates:

- Why?

Here I am forced to give my psychological explanation. Well, what is grumbling? This means that although the wife is difficult,

, but still here, she will not go anywhere - she will grumble and calm down. So it is understandable why the Choir is unanimous. And silence is a conspiracy, a break, even if partial, a forerunner of a complete break.

All this together are attributes of AUTHORITY.And it is well known: any power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. ..

Once I published in the "Evening Moscow" a small, but with a catchy title heading "Kitchen is a man's business," directed in general in defense of overworked wives. And he received a large post, in which the leitmotif was: "Oh, no, we will not give the kitchen to our husbands."So, moaning from overloads( but this is an extra reason to let him feel his importance and reproach him), the wife does not want to give him leadership in economics. After all, power in the house actually means power in the house. Let him "help" her, that is, she does unskilled work. Under her petty and meticulous guidance.

The wife has another powerful lever of power. I already wrote about the best psychotechnics of communication among young wives in comparison with their young husbands. There we noted its importance for reducing the stress of loneliness and for finding a replacement in the event of a rupture. But left behind the scenes what matters directly in marital communication. And it's interesting. After all, with such an advantage as a more developed psycho-technique of communication, it simply talks about it, TALKS.In addition, husbands have more stressful occupations. And besides, he needs to work for the needs of the family. He comes home from the top. And so, imagine, she orders tickets to Sochi, although he believes that it is necessary to go to Karelia, to lakes, where fires, fish, mushrooms, few people, not Sochi, where people are crowded, dirty and expensive. Less able to communicate, and then also tired, he sluggishly objected - one word in two seconds. And she three words a second as part of weighty and long phrases: "I'm telling you that all people go to Sochi. Are they more stupid than you? They are not stupider than you, they go to Sochi "- these are about two dozen words, she says in 5 seconds, he takes only half and. .. yields.

The same applies to the hypersexuality of a young man. It should be taken into account not only in the situation of the gap, as I talked about when explaining why young men tend to keep a marriage. After all, within the framework of the marriage itself, due to increased sexual activity, the young husband depends on the less sexually active wife. Her sexuality only wakes up and peaks after her thirty years. Of course, any disobedience to her husband will cause her negative emotions. She does not want sex. Neighborhood will not allow it. What I have just described is a natural, so to speak, regulation when expressed by the wife of lbdo. But some wives are less dependent on husbands due to less pronounced attraction. And maybe, because of even constitutional frigidity( it's cold from sort - and that's it).Such simply excommunicate the husband from the marriage bed for any wrongdoing. In my clinical practice there was also such a case - my wife said to her husband: "The bucket did not take out the pail - there will not be a sexual intercourse".

Laughter is a laugh, but in reality it is a very powerful lever of a woman's power. And he jumps around her with a goat and - pleases.

It turns out that the leverage of coercion from a young wife in relation to a young husband is quite a lot. No one teaches her how to use these levers. She skillfully gropes them. A woman is a talent in the world of relationships and communication. She exquisitely experiments. She practices trial gaps with increased tension. First grunt is the first degree. Then there was silence. We have already said that silence is more terrible than grumbling. But that did not help, and silence. .. Then - in the course of going care from home for a couple of hours. It did not work, and it is a practice to have a stronger "hitting" - moving for a short time to relatives or friends with a demonstration of a demonstrable one( pay attention to such manipulative subtlety) to remain faithful to her husband in case the divorce does not take place. And it did not work? Then, maybe, the announcement of a temporary break will act, and then about the full break, and then about the divorce? So she probes him. If there is no concession at a lower tension, a large one turns on.

Often, the wife seeks to consciously cause a feeling of jealousy. Demonstrates interest in her other men. He speaks about the possibility and admissibility of treason and replacement. Sometimes it comes to actual betrayal with a demonstration to her husband. It means not treason, dictated by a new love, and treason is precisely a means of coercion. Let us repeat that the betrayal of the wife delivers to the young husband suffering, that it is a blow to his self-esteem, that it is a disgrace at the publicity that jealousy in men is more deaf

bina. Remember experiments with monkeys? HE was dying of a heart attack;She suffered, but did not die. Men betray me.wear heavier than women. So the threat of betrayal is very unpleasant, serious, self-love, a lever of power in the hands of a woman. And he yielded, he obeyed - relations are being restored.

Do not think that the wife regularly runs to her husband's work with complaints, arranges sexual strikes and constantly shows her husband how much he is unfaithful to the child. All this - in semitones, hints. This is understood, understood. In psychology, such a hidden psychological impact, with the benefit for oneself and at the expense of a partner, is called manipulation. This is one of the forms of subject-object relation to people, when the other is perceived consciously or unconsciously not as an equal to me subject, equal to my personality, but is reduced to the level of the object( object).

In this case, the husband is the object of manipulation.

"Oh, so You do not want to go to Sochi? Well and it is fine "- the wife has told and has become silent. He also fell silent - but what can I do? And then she takes the phone, and he sits down in the armchair. She dials a number, and he takes the book. But before reading to him? The letters jump before my eyes, and the book is upside down, he only picked it up to show how calm he is without thinking that she perfectly sees how the book, trembling in his hands, betrays his inner excitement. And he can not concentrate on reading, because he listens to the conversation. Who is she with?. . Maybe she'll give me a name? Nnet, she does not name the name, let him tormented guesses, betrayal of it or not yet. She carefully avoids even the verbal endings in the past tense, which he expects, because it is clear: "did" - that means, there "HE", "did" - then "she".The conversation is over, in 5 minutes it will be met at the entrance, who - for him it is not clear, whether an old friend, or an old friend. And now she's getting ready for a date. Perhaps with a friend, but. .. How is this done? His wife tapped her heels with her heels, tinted her hair, tapped her heels back, straightened her hair, walked up to the hanger, went through the cloak, went through the heels to another room, took the bag, went to the door( heels), stopped, reflected, did not forget(sheels), she took( kabluchki), stopped at the door, quietly clicked the lock bag, loudly clicked the door lock, opening the door. .. All his nerves can not stand, and he drops the book:

- Oh well, well, we go south, as you want God with her with Karawith the lakes, we go to Sochi

And she, not instantly, but moderates her anger:

- Well, at once it would be so, and then the north. .. Removes the raincoat, calls:

- Kat, well, excuse me, inAnother time, okay? Here Serejka reconciled with me, you know, reconciliation must be stormy. ..

Smiles:

- Well, come here, stupid. ..

"Stupid" is both weasel and humiliation. So, only half-tones, hints, probability. But even the slightest fear that she will use the levers of power, forces him to retreat and yield. Some men defend themselves with this thought: "These are all small things: south, north, shopping. .. The main thing when it comes to serious things, it will be obedient."

But the life after all consists basically not from earthquakes and fires where the wife will be more willing to obey than to command. Fortunately, such cataclysms are rare. Life consists of everyday trivia and medium-sized problems: buy a TV or a trailer, go north or south. .. And he has to obey more than command.

The basic manner of female domination is manipulation. However, sometimes the wife also directly recalls the presence of her serious arguments: you do not want me with you to the south, there will be other companions. So too happens.

After all this my fine argument, I feel how a heavy stone is taken out of my bosom:

"Yes, men do not need to manipulate -" there is power, you do not need to mind. "

Well, in the backward layers of the population, cases of violence against women take place. But these are exceptions, which only confirm the rule. A normal socialized man restrains his aggression primarily from moral considerations: his friends will condemn, his self-esteem will decrease( he has fallen to the point of striking a woman).It is clear that fear of legal retaliation for incontinence also plays an important role. No matter how he condemned her, he was afraid of judicial condemnation, which, of course, would ruin his whole life, career."And because of whom, because of the

of a stupid woman?" - thinks this "smart" man. I put the quotes because mutual rudeness is not from the mind. Hold back. .. Well, not hold back, hit. .. Do not kill, just beat. And she has as many levers of power against this one, which is blocked by all this set. In addition, his offense itself can turn into a trump card in her hands. I will not put you, although I can, but be obedient. And he, obnoxious, like a noskodivshy dog, carries a snout on the floor, afraid to lift his eyes, and tries to please her.

The leverage of coercion is in the hands of a young wife. But you can not use them, can you? Can. But the temptation is too painful."If it's in the hands of the reins. .." - Mayakovsky."You must respect and respect your superiors. .." * • Mayakovsky. This is from the poem "Podliza".Well, so, by the way, for memorization. And if it's a scientific language.com, then, possessing the levers of coercion, the wife with impunity applies an authoritarian style of influence: "So, let's go, get ready"

Well, it's not always so categorically peremptory and sharp;the soft-defiant command-and-administrative tone is also practiced: "Kisonka, do not get undressed, you have to go for bread."

Wife can afford not only alone, but in public, negative assessments and accusations against him. And even makes fun of her husband, sometimes even in public.

Only very humane, well-wielding humane same psychotechnics of communication and possessing great self-discipline of the wife do not use in the event of disagreement with her husband the conflictful manner of communicating with him and do not use coercive means. If there are irreconcilable contradictions in the interests, questions in such pairs are solved fifty to fifty. That is, once to the south we go to rest - once to the north, as we watch the TV - once we go to the cinema, if we buy a carpet - once the plane( if you can not buy a jetty plane).

Husband appreciates this attitude to his wife, and, comparing his position with the situation of most of his fellows, is happy. Only here is a rarity that has now been described. This style of relations arose after our trainings on the psychotechnology of communication. But in other places this is not taught. And learn yourself - from whom to adopt?- It is possible, but difficult. At school, while psychotechnics are not engaged in communication, although it is necessary to do this at school.

Well, if the wife is not very humane, if she does not own the humane psychotechnology of communication, if self-discipline is not so great? Then the husband does the following.

He sees a contrast between the leadership position in the service sphere and the subordinate position in the family and is acutely experiencing it.

He tries to get away from household chores. This cause and congestion at work. But much more this is because it is the unskilled domestic work and the arbitrariness of his wife that weigh him.

He prefers to be an earner. Takes additional work to earn her approval. But this, in turn, contributes to fatigue and a departure from domestic affairs. And again, it increases the importance and power in the house of the wife.

All this is surface-psycho-protective behavior. Unpleasant experiences decrease, but their cause is not eliminated, which reproduces the situation causing tension. It is possible and in general, and in this case, psychic protection is compared with an unreliable wound covering film, under which there is acute or chronic inflammation.

Psycho-protective nature manifests itself in the fact that it goes to its work corner for doing "homework" on the service line, in a hobby, in a TV, in a sport. Autonomy stands alone. The car gives him a sense of importance in the house, because the car is the continuation of the house, and here the wife is not yet very competent. But this advantage of the husband ends. On the roads I can see more and more at the wheel of women.

What we have described now can be described as internal emigration. That is, he is in the house - and at the same time outside the home relationship. For the present, everything is not so dramatic, but tensions are mounting. Gradually, internal emigration grows into an external one. Here he went to his neighbor to throw himself in chess, so he went to the sauna with the peasants to steam up, so he broke away for fishing, and even for hunting. But playing chess with a neighbor on the porch, and "relaxing" in the sauna, and watching "pecks - does not bite," he tries with all his might to keep the family and keep the peace in it. Let and at the cost of his self-esteem.

In communication, he tries not to hurt his wife first, and in response to her conflicting behavior tries to behave with restraint,

does not show his fair, from his point of view, irritation. This, however, alternates with explosions of anger, after which the annoyance usually arises and he again becomes submissive.

There are less compliant men. Explosions of anger more often, external emigration is more active, detachments from the family are more and more uncontrollable. With such just wives and get divorced. And they consider themselves to be just, suffering side, and husbands are called ungrateful reptiles, who must be punished, who must be avenged - after all, several years of life have been spent. ..

We have already touched upon the issue of inequality in divorce. The child is with her. The apartment is divided equally. Initially, they had equal housing conditions - one room in their parents' apartments. They drove to "kopeck piece", having paid for the meters purchased and the kitchen with a bathroom. How will they leave? Most likely, she with the child - in a one-room, and he - in a room in a communal apartment. .. This - if you do not get up on the criminal path.

Wife thinks of himself such an unequal divorce in the hope, however illusory, of the possibility of replacing the "bad" husband with the "good" of the other. He does not want such a situation. And he shows a complaisance.

There are husbands who, unable to withstand the oppression, are themselves filing for divorce. ..

We are still discussing the first years of marriage. .. We stress that less affable, and not complaisant husbands at a young age - in a clear minority. More - patient. However,