Newlyweds
"A holiday that is always with me" - so, apparently, almost the words of Hemingway, many will be called the time immediately after the wedding. The joy of inseparable communication, opportunities, without hiding, to show feelings, restrained and hardly hidden recently. Flood of emotions, acute perception of any word: joy - from good, resentment - because of each smallness.
By inertia, the young live, keeping the habits of that time, when they were the bride and groom: the house does not sit, pulls to friends, to the company, to dances, to the cinema. And parents, sympathizing with their mood, do not hurry to harness the young couple into the whirlpool of domestic worries and responsibilities. But, like it or not, business affairs begin to gradually surround the carefree honeymooners, make them shorten the time of fun, harness themselves into unusual and not always fascinating classes.
And indeed: I want to go to visit, and my husband's shirt is not worn, clean socks, too. In the morning you need to run to the institute, to work, and you did not have time to buy bread, there's no breakfast. Young people look at each other and wait: who will be the first to undertake urgent business? Who will refuse the upcoming pleasure of talking with friends, reading an interesting book in order to clean up the room, wash your laundry? Yes, of course, both, together, at once! It's fun, with mischief and ridicule over ineptness taken by many newlyweds for any cause. They are carried away by the game in adulthood, how, they are no longer someone's children, son and daughter, but husband and wife. The words are strange, strict, even. After all, they now have to behave and feel completely different than before, and to them the people around should be treated differently, more solidly, respectfully.
The days, months pass. And the acuity of sensations from joyful intimacy gradually begins to subside. Rarely violent outbursts of mischief, games, more often there is a need to be alone, something to ponder, to rest from the need to be constantly in a good, good-humored mood, be attentive and sensitive to a loved one, especially to a new family.
This is a sure sign that the holidays of love are over, her everyday life begins.
. .. "Everyday life, everyday life," bu-bu-bu, would-be! Already in the sound of these words a dull mumbling annoying monotony.
"Was it a dream, then, is it an awakening?"
The worst test that catches up young spouses, which can not be compared with life's unsettledness, with shortages of money, with economic inefficiency, is everyday. Reaching the desired, the repeatability of relationships, events, reactions. As is known: youth is especially greedy for all the unusual, new, requiring fiction, risk, even overcoming any obstacles. And it does not matter where the struggle is, the search: whether in study, at work or in love. And here - the line is taken, the height is conquered. What's next? Dont clear. Descent from the poetic peaks into the valleys of prose? This exam, alas, does not withstand a considerable number of young couples.
"Living close together, people are too close to each other, see a friend too in detail, too unbuttoned and unobtrusively tear off all the flowers of the wreath surrounding poetry and grace," AI Herzen warned.
"Discoloration" of yourself and the other - the second most difficult exam, which often can not withstand the newlyweds. Although everyone goes through it, they react to it in different ways.
The third exam: the distribution of roles, duties in a small state, called the family.
Let's try to reflect on the nature of these tests and on how to come out with dignity from the traps that married couples have in common.
First of all, the newlyweds will have to realize a very simple and very difficult to assimilate truth: love youthful, pre-marital, extramarital is only superficially similar to marital love. They are sisters, but they are not the same. The ancient Greeks had two signs of love."Eros" they called the desire to possess a beloved being, "agape" - the desire to give oneself, their thoughts, strength for the happiness of a loved one. The first feeling is more selfish and carefree, grounded, the second is more selfless and strict, sublime.
Matrimonial relations, in fact, a gradual transition of the first feeling into the second. This transition rarely occurs without the special difficulties and efforts of the husband and wife. Sometimes it even begins to seem to them that the new state is not love at all, since there is less pleasure in it, more labor of the soul. But we already know how variable the face of this feeling.
Until matrimony( and beyond matrimony), the relations of young people are strained to the extreme. There is a kind of war, the purpose of which is to win attention, love. All the forces, thoughts, abilities are focused on this. Because in the first months, someone and years after the wedding - insatiability in caresses, mutual intoxication. But the human body is not able to live constantly in a state of extreme stress and intoxication. Moreover, desires can now be satisfied without struggle, passions, otbushevav, calmly fit into the shores of everyday life. Then it is possible to say that beloved ones become spouses.
I repeat, how the world differs from war, so family love from extramarital or premarital. War, it is known, requires feats, blood, sacrifices. The world is hard work, endurance, sympathy and tolerance. But the daily service of one goal, one person often turns out to be a much more complex test for character than a momentary impulse of feelings and desires. Therefore, not all young people painlessly pass the stage of turning a loving-tense feeling into a quietly married couple. Or, better to say, to a family one, which is probably much deeper, stronger, multi-faceted and, I'm not afraid of this word, more sublime than a love affair, praised by all the poets of the earth.
Someone will say: there is no such feeling! There is no such name. There is a feeling. We recognize the existence of a friendly feeling, comradely, recognize the independent and valuable unanimity, compassion, the feeling of paternity and motherhood, a sense of responsibility and duty, finally, call habit second nature. The family feeling is a complex fusion of all these feelings together with the "peace-loving" attraction of the husband and wife to each other and to the fruits of love - to the children. This alloy in each pair is heterogeneous: in some, one-sidedness, comradeship, and friendly participation prevail;others have a physiological passion;someone has a stronger sense of responsibility, parental duty, someone has a habit, etc., etc. But to some extent all the necessary components are present. This ratio determines the emotional portrait of a particular couple.
The feeling of the family at home is familiar to us from the unconscious joy of returning to our own homes after a long absence. And many people know longing for him, which catches up even when friends are not offended by friends, and are not overlooked by comrades-in-arms, and all sorts of amenities and pleasures. And yet, he is lonely with a complete "set" of connections and relations. This is because all feelings exist separately, are not embodied and are not focused on one person. The absence of this single, which absorbs the whole gamut of emotions, prevents us from experiencing and understanding the fullness and harmony of being.
Often only this feeling, inexplicable and even unconscious, keeps relations between spouses, when they are not very friendly, often quarrel, but can not live apart. As the old men would say: the house-man does not let him run away.
That people of different backgrounds and positions decisively distinguish marital, family love from her lesser sister - love passion, in my opinion, proves this historical fact very impressively. English King Edward VIII fell in love with an American woman, Wellis Simpson, who was twice married. And wished to marry her. This was opposed by the whole parliament and all the clergy, who believed that such a marriage would undermine the authority of the monarch and of the monarchy in the eyes of the British. The advisers suggested that the king keep the existing connection with Simpson, not legitimizing it.
In fact, the king was not forbidden to share a bed with a friend, but was not allowed to share life, cares and joys with her. He could not accept the conditions humiliating him. Edward VIII preferred marriage with his beloved woman to the royal throne. He abdicated and left England. This event is not from the ancient, knightly times of service to the Beautiful Lady. In our rational age, in 1936 there was this case. By the way, it's far from the only one. Because in Russia before the revolution the same "madness" dared the legitimate heir to the Russian throne, Grand Duke Michael.
There is nothing to say that among people who had to sacrifice much less values and privileges, such facts are common. And vain assurances that marriage itself, that is, the recognition of a man and woman by one another by spouses, is only a formal detail. No matter how these "conventions" were arranged, whether by splendid festivities or simply by the combination of hands with good parting words, from this moment, two people recognized themselves as belonging to each other and no one else connected with honor, conscience, loyalty, respect and mutual assistance.
Marriage relationships radically change the psychology of men and women, their inner state. This is convincingly written by the family theorist, Doctor of Philosophy A. T. Kharchev: "Unlike sexual instinct or even from passion, love as a moral and aesthetic sense has its subject not just a being of a different gender but a person in which, to some extenta personality that has not only physical but also intellectual and emotional value is developed, and in which the physical attractiveness itself serves only as an expression of high spiritual qualities, that is, it acquires an already aesthetic character. "
You probably had to meet couples that for many years kept the freshness of feelings, the glint of eyes at the sight of "half".Take a closer look at the style of their communication: attentive benevolence, polite restraint, accuracy in word and gesture.
A similar style of relations is available to most spouses, subject to certain conditions of purely preventive quality. First of all, to understand for myself that the first, honey months, when natural restraint, shyness, the best time for developing "reflexes of family communication" still existed.
Elementary of them: do not raise votes when clarifying disputes. On the contrary, the more obvious the disagreement, the quieter, softer and more polite should be the speech. It is easier not to start a quarrel than to stop, then to put up, to lick wounds inflicted in the excitement of battles, where there are not and can not be winners, but there are only defeated ones. After all, a sincerely loving man suffers not only with his pain, but also experiences the torment of his beloved being. So, wounding him, injuring yourself and simultaneously killing the most important thing, the most valuable for both: love. Is there any object in the world for a dispute that would cost such victims? In addition, of course, betrayal, betrayals of this very love.
To the disadvantages and weaknesses of each other to treat the way parents relate to inability, imperfection of their child: with patience and the hope that this skill will come, will develop over time. And teach not by word, reproach, but by deed, by own example. If he himself( herself) is not able( capable) to show, to accustom, do not demand from another: it is unfair and useless.
Take into account age and gender characteristics in both worldview and intimate relationships. Remember: a woman, the same age as her husband, is psychologically, emotionally older than him. She understands more in the field of human relations, he is in the objective and symbolic world. And you need to trust each other's natural abilities. There is nothing shameful in that a man asks advice from his wife and obeys her if, of course, the wife cherishes this trust and does not abuse it, reducing her husband to the position of a weak-willed executor of his will.
We said that the human body is a very complicated tool, it differs radically from the man and the woman both in tonality and in the way of adjustment. As you already know from lectures on sexual hygiene, a woman's physiological processes cause deeper and stronger emotional and psychic experiences. And that these experiences were positive, the sexual and ethical literacy of the spouse is necessary.
However, if you carefully read everything that was written about the characteristics of the relationship of the newlyweds, they discovered the requirements based on the culture of feelings, about which we spoke above. Who is able to delicately perceive the beauty of the world around him, become perplexed by surprise before the mystery and miracle of human nature, who is kind, sensitive in business and friendly relations, he will show these properties in the intimate sphere, find the way to the heart of a loved one, do not offend or humiliate himin a word, not a gesture.
At the same time, it is necessary to state such a warning. Sometimes it happens that excessive shyness and modesty, turning into stiffness, are equally harmful for the natural manifestation of human love, as well as reckless shamelessness. Finding inner harmony, the right tonality, acceptable to both beloved, is creativity in love.
Some experts believe that ignorance in the field of intimate relationships most often causes quarrels and even divorces. Needless to say: ignorance in any sphere of good does not promise. However, to this day, perhaps, it is not established when sexual dissatisfaction is the cause of disagreement, and when - the consequence of them. If the spouses make high human and moral demands to each other, and they are not satisfied, then intimate relations with absolute "literacy" can become impossible and cause only a feeling of disgust.
In all likelihood, this sphere of feelings and relations does not always play a major role in the system of family ties. Otherwise, it would be impossible for many months and even years of complete abstinence, fidelity, when lovers are separated or one of them is ill and long ill. And without these extremes "... the most honest women are usually the most and retain power over their husbands;thanks to intelligent and subtle restraint, without resorting to either whims or failures, they are able to keep the husband at a certain distance in the most tender union and never give them enough. "So he wrote in the "family encyclopedia", in the moral and philosophical novel "New Eloise" Jean-Jacques Rousseau. But no one has ever written that one can die from sexual hunger. From the heart longing for the beloved - yes, but not from the unfulfilled physical desire. On the contrary, because of bachelor's disorder and excesses often suffer and even die, at the same time it is gourmets. It is quite appropriate to compare the saturation of the physiological pleasures of sex with the saturation of food. About sexual hunger, you can say the same thing about food: natural needs and requests are relatively easy to meet, if they do not go beyond the norm, and artificial - it is impossible. There will always be a desire to taste something before the unknown.
In order to better understand the properties of their nature and the properties of the partner, the newlyweds are given the opportunity to turn to the special literature, which has appeared in recent times. They meet physicians, psychologists, and ethics philosophers.
- And how do you reconcile such reasoning with what used to be said about the "science of love" as an accessory to debauchery, which caused immense harm to youth morality in the West?
Acquaintance with the domestic and with the literature of the countries of the socialist community convinces: the nature of sexual education, the content of articles, books, recommendations of specialists are directed at humanizing natural instincts, their ennobling, aestheticization. We are alien to the de-aesthetics of sex, its mechanization, inherent in some Western "enlighteners".Do not copy our sexologists and the cult of love games, formed from ancient times in some countries of the South and East. Scientists are looking for themselves and we are invited to search for such a love behavior that would be based on a deep knowledge of man as a whole, spiritual being, endowed with certain ethical and ethnic attitudes, and individual temperament and psyche peculiarities of the particular couple's nature.
As far as this problem is difficult to comprehend, the painful reflections about this many great minds of mankind testify. For example, LN Tolstoy devoted to her such significant works as "Kreutzer Sonata", "Father Sergius", "Devil", written in the declining years, when the writer sought to unravel the deepest, core issues of life.
As usual, people leave uninvited newlyweds. But you can visit them in the kitchen, go to the store with them, go to the laundry to find out how they cope with household chores and needs, how they distribute their duties, and use their rights.