Do you need a child for successful development of native caregivers?
Jun 16, 2018
Now turn to comprehend and in general self-evident things like: why do growing children need papa-mom, and parents - restless children?
It turns out that this issue is not so simple and straightforward. The debate on the topic: Do you need a child for successful development, it is his, native caregivers, or you can delegate the cause of education to special professionals who can lead an infant to adulthood more sensibly, consciously, the dispute is not one thousand years.
Even in Ancient Greece, Plato, after Socrates, argued: all the evil of the world, the selfishness of people, their class inequality grow primarily from the presence of unequal conditions for the upbringing of children in families. The immoderate love of parents for their own child breeds individualism, self-interest and other properties that separate people, engendering enmity between them. Subsequent philosophers and teachers did not ignore this problem, although they assessed the situation differently.
The forerunners of scientific communism, particularly appreciated by Marx and Engels, the French enlighteners believed that the family should be freed from a heavy household and, accordingly, from the possession of movable and immovable property that engender unhealthy instincts, require an intense competitive struggle that destroys the spontaneity and unselfishness of human feelings and attitudes. At the disposal of the family, on their submission, you must leave only personal items: linens, clothes, the most necessary utensils. Everything else should belong to society. Children only in early infancy should live and grow in the parents' house. Then they must be educated in public institutions for children to overcome the heterogeneity of upbringing in order to create the same development conditions for every small citizen.
Even 15-20 years ago there was an opinion of some scientific authorities that the state should take upon itself the upbringing of children "from the cradle to the university".In recent years, scientists have changed their judgments on this score, because they were convinced by experience: the love of parents, their constant communication with children, are of no less importance to children than air and sunlight. Harmonious development of the child is unthinkable without family upbringing, which should be combined and reinforced by the social, and it is at least unreasonable to oppose these two forms.
Now pediatricians claim that even a few months of "deprivation of love" inflict irreparable damage on the mental, moral and emotional development of a child up to the age of three. That is, it is in the earliest childhood that the foundation of all subsequent spiritual life of a person is laid, but on the strength of this foundation, on the materials of which it is complex, and which construction can then be built on it, what size and complexity.
Creation of the spiritual, emotional basis of the individual is the goal, the meaning of family education.
- Are all adults marrying and giving birth to children ready for this complicated mission and what helps to fulfill it, but what hinders? How does science answer these questions?
Let's start with love, with emotions. Now some researchers suggest to abandon the maintenance of children in the manger. Their impatience is understandable: love is brought up only by love. And what is the most educated, kind teacher who can so generously, as a parent, lavish affection, tenderness, sympathy for each of the two dozen babies that make up the nursery group.
But while for reasons of both pedagogical and economic, we can not give up nursery education.
In all likelihood, the most reasonable position is taken by those researchers who leave their parents free choice, where and how to raise them. True, these researchers stipulate, and it is very significant that such a right needs economic support.
Now new steps are being taken for this: low-income families, benefits are paid;at the birth of the child paid holidays are given. There are other benefits. These additional expenses of the state ultimately bring tangible benefits to both the family and society.
. .. Without parental love, it's a well-known thing, a child with an alive father-mother is an orphan. But he is not indifferent to their relationship with each other. However small he may be, he feels everything perfectly, sensitively perceives their mood and quarrels. Here is the opinion of the doctor of pedagogical sciences V. I. Kochetkov: "The love of parents towards each other can become the main educational factor affecting the child. It is the love of parents for each other, and not just the love of children. A lot of mistakes are committed by young people at the beginning of family life, but none of them are as harmful as inattention to their own feelings of mutual love. When the father and mother love each other, the child receives the most from their love. Without it, the whole world turns pale and no pedagogical measures can compensate for its impact on the child. "And VA Sukhomlinsky believed that teaching a child to love is to teach the most important thing in life.
In short, parents need a child primarily as a "teacher of love" in the broadest sense of the word. Without parents, this can not be done by the most skilled professional teacher. Even if the number of pupils per teacher is brought to the family average level and then the effect obtained in the home atmosphere will not be achieved, because the light of personal relations between parents will not work. And mothers and fathers themselves lose a lot when rejecting children.
"As a child needs to be cared for, and this gives him the feeling and strength of the world, so an adult feels the need to take care of another, to support the weak, thus feeling his own strength and significance. This is most fully manifested in parental feelings, "writes I. S. Kon.
We are all more or less aware of the fact that parents give children. But not always accurately represent the elders: what do they owe children to whom they gave life.
Tolstoy has this record: "Assuming that humanity would consist of a billion immortal beings, the number of which could neither increase nor decrease, wherever we were and what we would be, great God! We would, no doubt, be a thousand times more learned, but a thousand times worse! "He also convincingly showed that the minutes of expectation and compassion for the woman in childbirth experienced by Bolkonsky, Levin, Karenin and Vronsky cleared the souls of men from petty passions, fromself-interest and anger, such moments have made them the People!
But the acknowledgment of our contemporary, candidate of technical sciences V. Belyanin, made in a letter to the author of these lines: "I, for example, quit smoking and got rid of this bad habit with ease. I believe that my unborn children contributed to the manifestation of will power. The expectation, and then the birth of a child, is a powerful stimulus for self-education, eradicating bad habits, developing patience, which we are sorely lacking at times. "
The father forbids himself what will in future forbid his child - this is the true and only possible morality that leads to the improvement of all people and the individual.
- No, today's children do not justify themselves. Expenditures on them - forces and means - are huge, and the returns are not something to see.
You probably heard this drubbing not only from the old people. Especially often there are such conversations, when the newlyweds are baked by the elders: they say why they are not rushing to get a first-born or stayed on one. One day, at the time of such inquiries, the young husband resolutely stated: "I know how my parents have tortured me. So I will not voluntarily volunteer for such tests. "
He began to draw a picture, which would be a society, if everyone were just self-loving. And really, what would happen if humanity stopped reproducing posterity? It was inappropriate to search, research, high art, science - all to nothing. Why do they, why "great and eternal questions", to which we are looking for answers, if there are not those to whom they are usually addressed, if there is no descendants, continuation?
Mankind will have nothing to do but live the historical heritage. People who are experiencing military cataclysms always have the main thing - hope, someone will survive, break through, repair what they have done, restore the destroyed, create a new one, because they will raise and raise children. A childless society will be deprived of this consciousness. And what can be more terrible than hopelessness?
Do not give life to a new person, to give up a proper continuation?. . Is not that why many peoples considered it a mortal sin, that this decision takes away from the tribe not only hope for the future, but also crosses out its past. It is not necessary to have an ultra-powerful imagination to imagine how our great-great-great-priests. .. saved their own fathers and mothers from fat and plague, from plague and from arrows. The great sufferings and sacrifices suffered by our ancestors, carefully preserving the faint flame of human life, its delicate thread, for which they, if they are so easily cut off by the lazy hand of a selfish descendant.
- Again these eternal categories: the past is the future!- the young spouse exploded. - Why such a craving for global generalizations on private occasions? My decision is my own business. I'm not starting a campaign to combat childbirth. Look how many difficult problems caused a demographic explosion in other countries. So what else should I look: maybe I help humanity to survive precisely because I do not continue it. And one thing: I can not exist at once in three dimensions. I live today, not yesterday or tomorrow. And I do not see that in this today's my being a child would bring me anything but troubles and worries.
The audience gathered well-read, and each posted a well-known information. Some said that in one way or another nature itself corrects the number of possible and necessary on Earth population. Others reminded the regulatory policy of some states. The conversation gradually went to general theoretical distance. But suddenly a woman of an indeterminate age, who had been silent so far, entered, but apparently with a great and not very easy life experience. She turned to the young man:
- You here say that I saw how the kids prevented your friends from studying, in professional achievements, that he heard the intolerable cry of newborns. And you heard, you know, how do unborn children scream?. .
These words, spoken quietly, all as if deafened.
- Your personal business, you say?- continued the woman. - And to deprive the wife of the highest human happiness: to carry under the heart, to grow, to love, to die and to be reborn with the baby is whose right? And deprive both their parents and their parents of the joys that grandchildren bring, joys, even if they are troubling and expensive, but they can not be replaced! Have you seen your mother peering into other people's strollers? And then your pretty and, until now, carefree "woman", as you call her, will also look in. Then she will hear, and you with her, the voices of those who are not, whom she could give to the world and you. As the philosopher justly remarked: "If by forty years a person's room is not filled with children's voices, then it becomes filled with nightmares."
- It's a blow below the belt!- flared the guy and went out, slamming the door.
This conversation leads to serious reflection. Not only because he found such a turn: from universal, global problems - to personal destiny. And because the disputing parties are right in their own way.
A young man is right that not everything can and must be proved by the method from the opposite. What will happen next, if he does not have a child, he has been convincingly demonstrated in both historical and personal terms. But so no one said what the child will give him in the present.
Let's ask ourselves this question: why do we need children?
. .. In the afterword to the "Kreutzer Sonata" Tolstoy pointed to this feature of civilized peoples: with the growth of education, a common culture and well-being, a view on children is changing, an assessment of their role in the relationships of the spouses."... In our society, due to again the same false meaning that is attached to carnal love, the birth of children lost its meaning and, instead of being the goal and justification of marital relations, became a hindrance to the pleasant continuation of a love relationship. ..".
And the current researchers of the problems of the family note that the first child of the spouse is most often not initiated for his own sake, not in order to taste the joys of paternity and motherhood. Surveys of future mothers reveal the following picture: many young women say that they decided to give birth because "it happened", it's scary to interrupt pregnancy, and not to give birth. That is exactly the case that we have already considered: the first child of the young -"Surprise", unexpected present. Parents do not care for him. They are busy with themselves and with each other. In a sharp focus on who and what he said, how he looked, what he bought, often drowns, those innumerable and profound little things disappear, with which the child's waiting time and the time of its growth are full.
Mother of ten children, Doctor of Biology M.P. Kolpakova in a television interview, admitted: she did not experience all the acuteness and significance of maternal experience with the advent of the first child. But on the second one it opened and in this opened this special world of unknown feelings. But, in all likelihood, the parental "insensitivity", which used to be and still is often met today, is a consequence of a certain emotional unpreparedness of a young woman to the maternal mission. And a young mother is useful to tell: what and how to look, what to see, to hear? Such knowledge is not given by one natural instinct to procreation. And the surrounding advisors teach young children more hygiene of the child, learn how to walk with it, ie, they again teach to give the child, but do not learn to take from him. Learn the work of motherhood, not his joys.
Of particular importance is the emergence of a child in families where the newlyweds are not united by common professional interests, have different attachments and passions. Their former, pre-marital affection is also directed in different directions;to their own kin, who, perhaps, for a long time will be strangers and for each other, and for each of the "halves."All this often "works" for the spiritual and emotional separation of a young couple. A joint child immediately makes all these people relatives, and the newlyweds are not just beloved, but truly relatives. Hence, in this way the child gives his parents and parents parents a sense of community of cares, desires, interests.
"The future mother should not be worried", "a special woman needs special conditions, a regime, and peace" - this is often heard by young spouses. And a young man, who has been prepared for the role of the father, is trying to relieve tension in the relationship. And at such a time gets used to the idea that a woman needs to be protected from unnecessary irritants. Thus, a child who has not yet appeared or just born already gives the mother a sense of her own special significance, as if she shields her from all sorts of misfortunes and offenses. And the father gives the opportunity to demonstrate his nobility, feel like a defender, helps him practice in generosity, tolerance, endurance.
All these qualities are very useful and necessary not in one personal relationship between husband and wife, but in any professional activity. After all, in a working environment, women often suffer from the drawbacks of precisely these traits and character traits from their male colleagues. And the less children in our home, the less and similar moral experience, the more acute we feel the lack of these qualities.
Children pay for the fact that adults learn a lot and spend for this time and energy, the charm of purity, spontaneity. And they also teach senior sincerity, mercy and democracy.
"Uncle, and you - a fool?" - Seriously, without anger, Vera Panova, the hero of Vera Panova's "Seryozha", will tell the solid man who played a really stupid joke with him. And with his question he will explain to the mother the true price of "solidity" of a fool, inflated by his own speculation."And the King is Naked!" Another boy screams and opens his eyes to the whole kingdom."The mouth of the baby is spoken by the truth," recognizes the people's wisdom. Let the parents often get angry at the "non-diplomacy" of the children, they even punish them because they "do not know how to behave", that is, to pretend that Panevsky Seryozha was punished too, but thanks to them the grown-ups see, and return to common sense,which is sometimes lost under the influence of mass hypnosis, such as that which took people in Andersen's fairy tale "The King's Dress".
Tolstoy has a story-parable "The Power of Childhood".Tolstoy offers the reader to comprehend this situation. The people won in the fight against the power hated by him, there is a hunt for the most important oppressors - the city policemen. One of them got into the hands of an angry mob. Passions are heated to the limit: lynching is prepared, which even a reasonable proposal can not prevent, to bring the policeman to justice. At this time a cry of the child, the son of this man, is heard in the crowd. The child does not yet understand everything that is happening, but feels: the father faces a terrible danger. Father, trying to calm the boy, assures him that it is he and his friends who go together and will soon return home. Then he asks the people around him to confirm his words and lead the child home. When the boy was taken away, the policeman said: now do whatever you want with me. And the same people that a moment ago were full of thirst for just revenge, suddenly hesitated. There were at first unsure exclamations of pardon, and then screams, equally decisive: "Let him go!" The crowd, happy with their mercy, joyfully screamed and sang.
The strength of childhood is that it awakens good feelings. From how many falls, stupidities, rudiments, lies, injustices adults rescued children, eyes full of trust and participation."I would be ashamed( I would be ashamed) of the child!" Parents often exclaim, referring to each other, when all the means of influencing the "half" that has come to the end are exhausted. And really come to their senses, they are ashamed. And, without noticing, they raise their own child to the rank of moral judge, keeper and mirror of family honor and conscience.
Looking at children, communicating with them, people acquire not only moral skills, with their help expand their horizons, multiply useful habits. In any sphere of work and leisure, only some of our properties, abilities, and qualities are required. Somewhere we need our mind, somewhere hands, somewhere agility, somewhere sensitivity, etc. But only the child needs the whole personality of the parent, without a trace: both the mind, and the hands, and the strength, and the kindness, andthe expression of the eyes, and intonation, even the native smell of the child is dear and important. And we can not really talk about addictions, business hobbies, intellectual and physical pursuits.
Ready to engage in any business, children often involve adults in their studies. And thus they do not allow parents to grow fat, save themselves from professional limitations. It takes young dads and mothers to spend time on long walks, traveling to the forest, to the park, where otherwise they would not have found the opportunity( or - the hunt) to get out. During such walks children need explanations on issues that adults have not been interested in for a long time. For example: why is an ants so small, but dragging a large branch? Where does he get the strength, if he does not have muscles? And really, where?- parents think about and go to the library, they are looking for explanations. For example, one inquisitive little girl opened her father-artist a multicolored world of butterflies, dragonflies, all sorts of goats and insects, which he had previously seen, but did not notice. Now he was seriously interested in entomology. In other families, the mother, along with her son or daughter, begins to study the musical instrument, tries to draw, or even sew( this is necessary for homework lessons).And my father becomes infected with construction, he is fond of philately.
All these activities and Memory shake, refresh long-forgotten knowledge, and new information enriches us. So, helping children, and then grandchildren to climb the steps of the school curriculum, parents at the same time do not give themselves and zamshet in traditional ideas about the world. And further. In such cases, I want to or not, children of each of the adults turn into teachers and students at the same time: the elders teach them, study with them, learn from them.
So, it turns out that by adding a lot of big and small businesses and troubles, especially economic ones, children force adults to look away from the usual everyday life, turn their thoughts to the eternal questions of being. And they open a new vision, a new feeling.
Banal truths from time to time also need to be rethought. Like this thought, which has already been cited above: children are immortality, real, tangible, alive. It is possible to oppose this statement to the words of Mayakovsky that when dying, we can "incarnate in steamships, lines and other long deeds."But, back to the beginning of the conversation: why do we need children?- will have to admit that "long deeds" only then are possible, if there is someone to continue. How is it necessary that someone was led to steamboat, named after the heroes, so that someone could read the great lines. And what we will be mothers of history are more valuable: by their own deed or by the fact that they brought up a wonderful son, the daughter - alas!- to know us it is often not given.
Slaven was "the kind of Pushkin rebellious" figures uncommon, energetic, influenced by many events in Russian history. But why attention of present generations is delayed on their affairs and biographies especially often, in comparison with other famous names, often more influential even.(For example, we do not study the biographies of personalities from the Golitsyn family, although their role in our history is much greater.) Yes, therefore, any schoolboy will answer that not among Golitsyn there appeared and grew one whose name is a whole epoch in the national history and culture. They are Pushkin - the ancestors of genius, he is their blood and flesh.
For a long time I did not give the meaning of Maxim Gorky's words that we are all born and live for the best, put into Satin's mouth. The subsequent clarification was also not very clear: say, for a better master, well, say, a carpenter, carpenter, shoemaker. When, instead of the names of professions, she put the words: for the best of its kind, everything fell into place.
We are born and live in order to promote our race to perfection, to the ideal of a person.
- Well, well, - the skeptic opponent will say, - with ordinary mortals everything is clear. And what is the "continuation" for Pushkin himself or Tolstoy for, because they themselves are the top of the genus and immortal in their works.
But really, why did Tolstoy need children, and so many more? After all, to thoughts of the sinfulness of marital relations, if they are not based on the goal - to have offspring, he came to old age, already when thirteen children gave birth to Sofya Andreevna and several they buried.
By ordinary measure, children had to serve as a handicap in the creative work of the great writer. And how much suffering did they inflict on him when they split into opposing( and him) groups, when some of them wanted to deprive him of the right to act and live according to the norms that were worked out and preached. ..
If we are vague,what has been done, written by Tolstoy, then everywhere we will find the "fingerprints" of his children. And the joy that they gave to their great father and sadness - everything found its reflection and expression in his work, which is nothing more than a cardiogram, a record of the movements of his soul. And the children in it occupied a huge place.
"When my father wrote the novel" Family Happiness ", he was not yet married.
- It seemed to me then, he once said, that I understand a woman to the depths of her soul. But when I got married, I saw that I did not know her at all. And it is only thanks to my wife that I have learned to understand it. And now, "he continued, stroking my hair," since my grown-up daughters trust me with their secrets and open their souls, I realize that neither before the marriage nor later I knew anything about the woman and only now do I start herunderstand, "- so writes TL Sukhotina-Tolstaya, daughter and friend of Lev Nikolaevich.
How do you find this turn in talking about the role of children in our lives? It turns out that a man to understand a woman( wife), you need to raise a daughter? And vice versa, in order for a woman to understand a man( her husband), one must raise a son?. . Probably so. However, this kind of reasoning leads us further. To fully understand and evaluate your own parents, father and mother, you have to become parents yourself.
Here, it turns out, why children are needed: they are "translators", helping to understand each other people of different generations, different ages and gender. And if you remember how aristocrat Dolly Oblonskaya quickly found a common language with peasant women, when they started talking about her children, we will have to admit that children serve as a link between people of different estates, different levels of culture, spheres of activity.
In the system of evidence of the enormous importance of children in the life of adults, much of our Russian, classical literature gives, in which, like in no other, the idea of the self-worthiness of childhood is embodied. And he who denies himself a difficult happiness - to give birth and raise children - indeed, deserves not condemnation, but regret.
We are not the first time referring to your own experience. Here and now try to remember: how wrinkles were smoothing out at the eyes of your parents, when you, still small nesvmyshyshami, gave them affection, care. Try to return, as much as possible, the warmth of evening conversations. And look back around yourself, at your little sisters and brothers or at the familiar friends of the toddlers, and you will be surprised to see how they are reaching out to you, how they are trying to attract your attention, to deserve praise, even if not by skillful imitation. After all, it is such a grateful audience and for your self-expression: every merry and kind game with them is the joy and purification of the soul.
Only foolish arrogance can shun youngsters, and unfortunately, they often suffer from high school students. Moreover, they also mock at those guys that "woo" with the children from the Younger classes, teach their good. But we should, on the contrary, see in this a pledge and a witness of a big and pure soul.