Discipline of your child
Some common misconceptions about discipline. In the first half of the century children's psychology was studied in depth by teachers, psychoanalysts, children's psychiatrists, psychologists and pediatricians. Parents with interest read the results of these studies, newspapers and magazines eagerly talked about them. We gradually learned a lot of interesting things: that children need the love of good parents most of all;that children themselves work very hard to become adults and responsible;that many of those who subsequently fall into trouble, suffer from a lack of love, and neot "prosperity of severity;that children with pleasure study at school, if the material corresponds to their age, and the teachers understand them;that jealousy towards brothers and sisters and the sometimes angry feeling towards parents are completely natural and the child should not be ashamed of it;that the child's interest in life and in some sexual aspects is also perfectly normal;that too severe suppression of aggressive feelings and sexual interest leads to neuroses;that subconscious feelings and drives are equally important;that every child has his own personality and must be reckoned with.
All these ideas today seem to be banal, but when they were first voiced, they were completely unexpected and made a strong impression. Many of them contradict the ideas that dominated over the centuries. It is impossible to change so many representations about the nature and needs of children without confusing the parents. Parents who have had a happy childhood and who have grown confident in themselves have become confused less than others. They were interested in these new ideas with interest and could even agree with them. But when it came to raising children, they brought up their children the way they raised them. And their children were as successful as they were with them. This is the natural way of teaching methods of upbringing - to grow up in a good and happy family.
Parents, who gave new educational ideas with great difficulty, themselves were not very happy in their childhood. Many of them experienced both indignation and guilt at the same time because of the tense relationship between them and their parents. They did not want their children to experience what they themselves experienced as children. Therefore, they welcomed the new theories. But they often read in them what scientists did not mean at all;for example, that the is the only one the needs children, this is parental love;that children can not be forced to obey;that one can not restrain their aggressive aspirations towards parents and other people;that if something goes wrong, only parents are to blame;that when children behave badly, parents should not be angry or punish them, but should only show their love even more. All these misconceptions, if taken far enough, are completely inapplicable in practice. They encourage children to become demanding and disobedient. Forcing children to be guilty for their wrong behavior, they force parents to exert superhuman efforts. When a child begins to behave badly, the parents try to restrain their anger for some time. But eventually they explode. And then they feel guilty and depressed. And this leads to even worse behavior of the child.
Some very polite and educated parents allow children to be completely unbearable, not only with themselves, but also with outsiders. They do not seem to see what is happening. When such situations are considered more carefully, it is found that such parents were forced in childhood to behave very well and correctly and to restrain the natural indignation and dislike. And now they get a malevolent satisfaction from the fact that their child is allowed what they themselves had to restrain;such parents believe that they act in accordance with the latest theories of raising children.
How the feelings of guilt experienced by parents lead to problems with discipline. There are many situations in which parents are aware of guilt in relation to a particular child. There are other obvious cases: the mother goes to work, unable to cope with the consciousness that she is throwing her child;parents whose children suffer from mental or physical disability;parents adopting a child and considering that they must exert superhuman efforts to justify the fact that they took the child away from someone else;parents who, in childhood, have experienced so much disapproval that they now feel themselves always guilty, until they prove the opposite;parents who have studied child psychology in a college or in a vocational school, know all that should be avoided, but believe that because of their professional knowledge they must cope with the matter in perfection.
Whatever the reason for the guilt consciousness, it prevents parents from raising a child. Such a parent is inclined to expect too little from the child and too much from himself.(In this case, it is more often the mother, because she is directly concerned about the child, but the same can apply to the father.) The mother tries to maintain patience and calmness, when her patience is already exhausted, and the child has already passed allframework and needs strict impact. Or the mother hesitates when firmness and determination are needed.
The child, like an adult, knows perfectly well when he behaves badly, he is rude and capricious, even if the mother closes his eyes to it. And he feels guilty in the depths of his soul. He would like to be stopped. But if it is not corrected, it is likely to behave worse and worse. He seems to be saying: "How bad must I be for someone to stop me?"
Over time, his behavior becomes so provocative that his mother can not stand it. She scolds him or punishes him. The world is restored. But trouble with a mother who feels guilty and ashamed of her breakdown. Therefore, instead of forgetting about what happened, the mother tries to make amends or allows the child to punish himself. Perhaps it allows the child to be rude to himself during the punishment. Or cancels punishment when it has not yet been accomplished. Or pretends that he does not notice when the child starts behaving badly again. In some cases, mothers themselves provoke the child to disobedience, of course, not knowing what they are doing.
Perhaps all this seems too complicated or unnatural for you. If you can not imagine a parent who allows a child to commit murder with impunity or, worse, induces him, it only proves that you have no problems with the guilt consciousness. Most conscientious and conscientious parents occasionally release a child out of control when they consider that they were unfair to him or insufficiently caring. But soon they restore balance. However, if the parent says, "Everything that this child does makes me angry," it usually means that the parent at heart feels guilt and allows too much for the child who reacts to these constant provocations. No child can be annoyed by accident. If the mother can understand what she is too inferior to the child, and will show firmness, she will be happy that her child will not only behave better, but will become much happier. Then she can better love him, and he - to answer this love.
You can be both firm and friendly at the same time. The child should understand that his parents, affectionate and affable, have their rights, can show firmness and will not allow him to act unreasonably or be rude. He likes them even more. So from the very beginning he learns to behave intelligently. A spoiled child is not happy even in his own home. And when it comes out into the world - in 2 years, at 4 or in b, then it experiences a severe shock. He discovers that no one is going to indulge him;on the contrary, he does not like anyone because of his selfishness. He either has to live his entire life with no one he loves, or with great difficulty learn how to be friendly and friendly.
Sophisticated parents often allow a child to take advantage of her until their patience bursts;then they attack him. But both these stages are not necessary. If parents have a normal sense of self-worth, they will be able to stand up for themselves, while maintaining friendliness. For example, if a child insists that you continue the game when you are tired, do not be afraid to say kindly but firmly: "I'm too tired. Now I read, and you, too, can read. "
If your child is stubborn and does not want to return the toy to another child, it's time to go home, do not assume that you need to have infinite patience. Take the toy from him, even if he cries for a minute.
Let the child know that the feeling of anger is natural. If the child is rude to his parents - because something is annoyed or because he is jealous of his brother or sister, - immediately stop him and demand courtesy. But at the same time, parents can tell a child that they know that sometimes they get angry with them. All children are sometimes angry with their parents. It may seem contradictory to you: you seem to cancel the punishment even before the child left. Numerous descriptions of educational work with children indicate that the child feels happier if the parents require from him a reasonable good behavior. But at the same time, the child is helped by the awareness that parents know about his angry feelings of and are not angry with him for them. Such a consciousness helps him overcome anger and keeps from feeling guilty or frightened. In practice, the understanding of the difference between hostile feelings and hostile acts works well.
The father must participate in the discipline. The father, to whom his own father was too strict in childhood, can say: "I do not want my child to hate me just as I sometimes hated my father."And so he avoids all unpleasant explanations with his son, providing all the problems of mother discipline. If a boy irritates his father with something, he tries to hide this feeling and says nothing. This is completely unnecessary. The child understands when he upset his parents or broke the rules, and wants to be corrected. If the father tries to hide his disapproval or irritation, the child will only feel anxiety. He imagines how all this pent-up anger( which is often very close to the truth) will break through, and is afraid of what will happen. Studies show that the child is more afraid of his father, who refrains from teaching him to discipline;than one who does not hesitate to punish a child or show his discontent. In the second case, the boy learns to receive the deserved, learns that punishment is unpleasant, but not deadly, and the atmosphere is purified. Therefore, the child needs a father, who sometimes happens to be his friend, but always remains a father.
Do not say: "Do not you want. ..";just do what you think is necessary. It's easy to get used to saying to a kid: "Do not you want to sit down and have dinner?", "Do not get dressed for us, now?", "Do you want pi-pi?".The trouble is that the child's natural response, especially between the year and three, is "no."Then the poor mother is forced to convince the child what to do in any case is necessary. Thousands of words go into such disputes. It is better not to give the child a chance to argue. When the time comes for dinner, take him or take him away, still talking about what he is doing. When you see signs that it's time for him to go to the toilet, take him there or bring a pot. Begin to undress him, without even saying why you do it.
You may think that I advise you to fly on a child, not letting him come to his senses. Nothing like this. In fact, every time you interrupt a child's occupation, it's better to do it tactfully. If your fifteen-month-old child enthusiastically inserts one cube into another, take him to the dinner table with cubes in his hand and select them, only giving a spoon in return. If a child plays with a toy dog, when it's time to go to bed, tell him: "Let's put the dog in bed."If your three-year-old child drags a toy car on the floor for a rope, when he has time to swim, ask him to make a long-long trip to the bathroom. When you show interest in what he does, the child becomes more accommodating.
When the child is older, he is more focused, it is more difficult to distract. Then it is better to warn him in advance in a friendly manner. If your four-year-old son builds a battle ship from the dice, tell him: "Put the guns in place quickly;I want the ship to be ready before you go to bed. "So much better than to grab him in the midst of an exciting lesson, as if you were not a battle ship, but a pile of toys scattered on the floor. Of course, all this requires patience, and, naturally, you will not always have it.
Do not enter into lengthy explanations with the child. Sometimes there are children between the ages of one to three, who are alarmed by too many warnings. The mother of the two-year-old boy always tries to explain to him why something can not be done: "Jackie, do not touch the doctor's lamp, because you will break it and the doctor will not be able to see."Jacky looks at the lamp anxiously and says: "The doctor can not see."A minute later he tries to open the door leading to the street. His mother warned him again: "Do not go out the door. Jackie can get lost, and my mother will not find him. "Poor Jackie ponders this new danger and says: "Mom will not find him."It is harmful for him to hear so much about unpleasant possibilities. It brings up a dark imagination. A two-year-old should not worry about the consequences of his actions. This is the period when he learns, commits acts and observes the results of his actions. I'm not saying that you should never warn a child in words;only you must take into account the peculiarities of his thinking.
I remember the superconscious mother who believed that she should explain everything to the child . When it was necessary to leave the house, it never occurred to her simply to dress the child and go. She began: "Do not we wear a coat?" "No," the child answered."Oh, but we want to go out and stay a little in the fresh air."The child is already used to thinking that the mother must explain everything to him, and this encourages him to argue on every occasion. So he asks: "Why?" And so on all day long. Such fruitless and meaningless explanations and arguments do not make him obedient and do not cause respect for the mother as a reasonable person. The child would be much happier and confident in his safety if the mother was more confident in herself and would have worked out the automaticity in the performance of everyday activities in a friendly manner.
If a small child is in a dangerous situation or wants something forbidden, you should not change his mind. It simply needs to be dragged off and distracted by something safe and interesting. When he grows up a little and becomes more responsible, tell him "you can not" and distract something. If he requires an explanation or reason, explain in simple words. But do not think that he needs explanations for all your instructions. In the depths of his soul he is conscious of his inexperience. And he hopes that you will save him from danger. And he feels safe, if you lead him, but tactfully and not very noticeably.