Adopted child

He must be very much wanted by both parents. The couple must decide on the foster child only if both are very fond of children and feel that they can not live without them. All children, both "their own" and adoptive, need their own place in the family, that they are loved by their mother and father, loved deeply and "forever", so that they grow and develop normally. For a foster child to feel a lack of love and attention in one of the parents is even worse, because he is deprived from the very beginning of a security consciousness. He knows that for some reason the true parents have abandoned him, and he is secretly afraid that the waiting rooms refuse. That's why you can not adopt a child if only one of the parents wants it or when the parents do it only for practical reasons: for example, they need working hands on the farm or they want someone to take care of them in their old age. Sometimes a woman who is afraid to lose her husband wants to take a child into the family in the vain hope that this will keep the spouse. Adoption or adoption for such reasons is unfair to the child. And it usually turns out to be unsuccessful from the point of view of the parents. Too often a foster child who is not deeply loved likes serious behavior problems.

It's unreasonable to adopt a single child. Boys and girls need their mother and father for their development. In addition, a loner can unnecessarily immerse himself in caring for a child.

A couple should not adopt a child in old age. The older the person, the more difficult it is for him to adapt to the new. Such parents have long dreamed of a little girl with golden hair that will fill the house with songs, doing everyday things, that a clash even with the best of real children causes them a shock. But what does it mean "do not be too old"?It's not just about age. All this should be discussed at the adoption agency.

Sometimes the parents of a child who is not very well-adjusted and do not know how to get along with others, are thinking about the reception room to make up their own society. This should be discussed with a psychiatrist before taking a serious step. A foster child can feel like a stranger in the family compared to his own. If the parents are bent over the stick, demonstrating attachment to it, it will not help, but will only upset their own child. In general, this business is risky.

There is some danger in the "replacement" of the deceased child. If the family has others - "own" - children, the adopted child will feel unequal to them. But even if the parents do not have other children, they should take the child only for his own sake. There is no harm in adopting a child of the same age and sex as the deceased. But on this all comparisons should stop. It is unfair and unreasonable to force one child to play the role of another. He will not be able to become a copy of the deceased, parents will be disappointed, and he himself is unhappy. He can not be reminded of what that child was like, or compare them - out loud or mentally. Let it be itself.(Almost all of this applies to the "own" child born after the death of the elder.)

Use the services of a reliable agency. Probably the most important rule of all adoptions - they must be organized through a first-class agency. It is always risky to take the child directly from his real parents or through the intermediation of a third person. This leaves the opportunity for real parents to change their minds and try to get their child back. Even if the law gets in their way, this situation can destroy the happiness of the foster family and take away the child's sense of security. A good agency, an irresistible wall, will arise between the pairs of parents, will not allow them to get to know each other, will not allow them to cause trouble to each other and thereby protect the child. The agency first of all helps real parents to make the right decision - to give the child or not. It uses its experience and means to decide which pair to dissuade from giving the child. The agency monitors the child during the probationary period and checks whether everything is done in his interests and in the interests of all those interested. Reasonable agencies and wise state laws establish a probationary period for adoptive parents before adoption becomes final.

At what age do you adopt a child? In general, the earlier, the better. Foster parents feel that they start with a clean slate and can themselves lead the child through all the stages of growth, as if he were their own. However, many children were successfully adopted at a later age.

Foster parents are usually worried about the heredity of the child and how it will affect his future. The more we learn about the development of the personality including the intellect, the more we become convinced that the important factor is the environment in which the child grows, the love he feels, the consciousness of his place in the family and the sense of security. There is no evidence that such abnormalities as alcoholism, immorality, criminal inclinations and irresponsibility are inherited.

Let him know by natural means. Do I need to tell a foster child that he is a non-native? All experienced specialists in this field agree that the child should know about it. Sooner or later he will find out about it, however carefully the foster parents guard the secret. For an older child and even for an adult, it's almost always a great shock to suddenly find out that it is a non-native. This for years can deprive him of a sense of security. Suppose a child was adopted when he was not yet a year old. When should he find out? You do not need to keep this secret until a certain age. Parents should from the outset openly admit that the child is a foster child, but talk about it as if by accident, without stressing, in their conversations with each other, with the child and with acquaintances. This creates an atmosphere in which the child can ask questions at the stage of development, when this problem will interest him. And learn about it gradually, as far as understanding.

Some parents make the mistake of trying to keep the fact of adoption secret;others fall into the opposite extreme, too stressing it. It is quite natural that most adoptive parents first have an exaggerated sense of responsibility - as if they should be in all respects perfect, since they were entrusted with the upbringing of another's child. If they begin to explain to the child that he is adopted, the child starts to think: "What's wrong with being a receptionist?" But if they perceive the fact of adoption as natural as the color of a child's hair, they will not make a secret out of it, but neitherwill constantly remind of this. They should always tell themselves that since the agency chose them, they are good parents, and the child is lucky that he came to them.

Suppose a three-year-old child hears how his mother explains to the acquaintance that he is a receptionist and asks: "And what does the receptionist mean, mom?" She should reply: "For a long time I wanted to have a little boy to love and take care of him. I went to a place where there are a lot of children, and said: "I want a child with brown eyes and brown hair."A child was brought to me, and it was you. And I said, "Oh, that's exactly the kind of child I want. I want to adopt him so that he always lives in my house. "So I adopted you. "This is a good start, because it emphasizes the positive side of adoption, the fact that the mother got what she wanted. This story will please the child, and he will many times want to listen to him.

But at the age between three and four years old, he, like other kids, will want to know where the children are coming from. It is better to answer truthfully, but in such a way that a three-year-old child understands. But when the adoptive mother explains that the children grow up in the mother's abdomen, the child starts to think how this is combined with the story that he was taken from an institution. Maybe immediately, or maybe in a few months he will ask: "I also grew inside of you?" Then the adoptive mother can simply and calmly explain that he grew up inside another mother, because he is an adopted child. This may confuse him for a while, but later he will understand.

Over time, he will ask a more difficult question: why did his own mother abandon it. Here lies the subtext: his mother did not want to. And this can undermine faith in all mothers. Any fictitious reason can later turn into the most unexpected complications. Probably the best and the closest to the truth is this: "I do not know why she could not take care of you, but I'm sure she wanted it."And while the child learns this thought, you must constantly remind him that he will always be yours now.

He must feel completely safe. Every foster child in the depths of the soul is afraid that the foster parents will refuse him, just as the real ones refused if they think that he is bad. Foster parents should always remember this. They must swear that they will never even hint at him about it, if such an idea comes to them. One phrase, thrown in anger or from irrationality, can forever destroy a child's faith in them. Whenever a child has such a doubt, parents should let him know that he is now theirs forever;for example, when he speaks of his adoption. I want, however, to add that it would be a mistake on the part of adoptive parents to worry so much about the child's security consciousness so as to extensively assure him of his love. The child acquires a consciousness of confidence not from words about love, but from the fact that they love him - love sincerely and wholeheartedly. It's not words that are important, but melody.