• What should and should not be a woman

    time immemorial, humanity seeks to create an idea of ​​the ideal woman. Each epoch and each society offers its own version of beauty external and internal.

    In the Biblical Song of Songs the lover so praises his beloved: "Your hair is like a herd of goats coming down from Mount Gilead;your teeth are like a herd of shorn sheep coming out of the bath;mouth - like halves of a pomegranate apple;neck - like the pillar of David, built for weapons, a thousand shields hang on it - all the shields of the strong;your two breasts are like twins of a young chamois, grazing among the lilies;Your nose is the tower of Lebanon, facing Damascus. "

    It is difficult for a representative of modern European culture to understand how a woman could once have been concerned with such "economic" and "technological" comparisons. They are inspired by the typical occupations of men of the time - farmers, herdsmen and warriors.

    In the poem "Fingal" by James Macpherson( XVIII century.) We find comparisons that were born under the impression of the Scottish landscape: the hair of the beloved is the fog of Cromla, when he winds over the hill and is illuminated by a ray of the East;breast - two gentle cliffs, visible from Branno streams;Hands are like two white pillars in the halls of the great Fingal.

    And in modern poetry there are echoes of old "natural-science" confessions: the beloved is compared with the song of the nightingale, in the May morning, a gentle garden.

    The ideal of beauty was created according to the principle of contrast.

    In the eyes of the Polynesians, the one who had white skin was beautiful. The girls literally bleached the skin, rubbing themselves with a special oily liquid to make the body lighter, for a long time did not leave the darkened rooms at all, so as not to get sunburned. One of the main signs of beauty Polynesians also considered completeness. A woman should have a large chest and a wide basin. The islanders believed that everything related to love should be large, impressive. Insufficiently thick, and therefore, according to the Polynesians, ugly girls were kept on a special diet until they became as they should.

    There are periods of human history, when the ideal of a woman was presented with very high demands. In the treatise "Gallant Ladies" the French writer of the XVI century Pierre de Burdei told: "I do not know if this is true, but the Spaniards assure that a woman of perfect beauty must have thirty of these signs. .. Including three things white: skin,teeth and hands, three things black: eyes, eyebrows and eyelashes;three long: waist, hair and hands;three narrow: lips, waist and ankles;three complete: shoulders, calves and hips. .. "

    The traditional ideal of a Japanese woman is an elegant, charming creature with tiny legs and arms, carefully combed hair, with the eyes of a Madonna and the heart of a child. She is silent, talkative - one of the seven reasons for divorce, according to the teachings of Confucius. She should always be charming, even in a dream. A Japanese has the right to divorce his wife if she sleeps in an ugly pose. A smile should never disappear from the lips of a Japanese woman: at first it is a childish smile, then - in a girlhood - naively joyful and, finally, in marriage, bitter.

    In Russia, dignity has long been considered dignity. An old Russian proverb read: "God would have to be corpulent, but the beauty will not matter."The best decoration of a woman, the simple people, considered the majesty and slowness of the movements, hence, apparently, the phrase "appears like a pava".

    Such views on women's beauty are explained by the duties that were imposed on the wife: she was engaged in heavy household work and gave birth to children. In Russian proverbs and sayings we find a lot of evidence of such a "business" approach to a woman: "What a cow, a wife would be healthy," "Do not drink water from your face, you could cook pies", "Do not praise your wife's body, but praise your deed", "Where the women are smooth, there is no water in the tub."

    A different attitude to women's beauty is found in the noble milieu of Russian society of the XVII-XIX centuries, significantly oriented towards Europe. It was appreciated the ability to manage the economy, monitor the budget, create a family comfort. On the verbal and picturesque portraits of the past, noble women are distinguished by the tenderness of their faces, their whiteness and the elegance of their hands, the flexibility of the camp. Their standards of femininity existed in other layers of Russian society - among merchants, philistinism, etc.

    The modern standard of female beauty is very conditional, because it is strictly not specified by economic and social or social requirements. Today every man decides what kind of woman is beautiful and which is not. But if there is still no clarity and agreement with respect to the standard of appearance of our contemporary, then it is possible to speak about the indicators of beauty of the interior more or less definitely. Especially about the qualities necessary for family well-being.

    Let's turn to the studies that tried to identify the qualities that are preferable for a modern woman. Involuntarily for comparison it is necessary to concern also man's advantages and disadvantages.

    What does science say about the intellectual abilities of women required for family happiness? Scientists delicately bypass this sensitive issue, but occasionally the information still seeps. Thus, a sociologist from Estonia A. Tavit believes that a characteristic feature of successful marriages is some intellectual superiority of the husband with the same level of education of spouses, this is noted by the women themselves. In other words, "happy" wives recognize their husband as a brighter person than himself. Husbands from wealthy families also appreciate the intelligence of their wives high, even higher than the wives themselves. Apparently, it is the high mutual assessments of the mind that ensure the spouses' satisfaction with each other and with their marriage.

    In dysfunctional families, spouses differently assess the presence of each other's sense of humor, which is unquestionably a sign of the mind: husbands consider that his wives have less, while women hold the opposite point of view.

    So, based on different opinions, it can be assumed that for a successful marriage, it is preferable that the intellectual qualities of the spouses are equal with the husband's slight superiority, recognized by the wife, and also the sense of humor of the wife recognized by her husband. Therefore, the spouse should not emphasize his mental superiority, even if it is, and even more so do not unreasonably claim it, if it is not. In no case can you belittle your husband's intelligence, it is much more appropriate to remind him of his mind, praise him for the deliberate action, express confidence that he is perfectly able to solve this or that worldly problem. You see, this tactic will bear fruit: a man will believe in his intellectual dignity and begin to apply them in the field of domestic and domestic concerns. For this, you can give him compliments in advance. .

    If a woman has a sense of humor - this, as we found out, is fine. It helps to remove the conflict, to translate it into the plane of a benevolent critical view of oneself from the outside. Quite often humor helps to overcome internal discomfort, to calm down one's own pride, to overcome overestimated claims and generally makes life easier. I'm not talking about the fact that a person with humor is a godsend for any company. Learn to appreciate the humor of your own husband. In principle, this is a simple matter, if the wife does not seek self-affirmation, does not oppose herself to her husband, does not show her personification and has a high degree of tolerance. Sometimes you can play a little. Well, you should at least smile vaguely in the case when her husband thinks that he was unusually ingenious joking?

    For a happy family life, it is necessary that the couple have certain moral qualities. Which ones? On this account, there are different opinions. The Estonian researchers on the basis of interviews of young spouses among such qualities name fidelity and conformity of the partner to a premarital ideal. Men emphasize the honesty and restraint of women, and women - the seriousness of her husband.

    According to D. Kutsar, a social psychologist at the University of Tartu, women who consider their marriage to be unsuccessful judge husbands as dishonest and dishonest. Men from failed families find their wives distrustful. Men whose marriage is successful, first of all emphasize in their wives tenderness, politeness and decency, and women in husbands - conscientiousness, friendliness and trustfulness. As a result of five or six years of marriage experience, men value femininity, affection and purity of soul in wives;women in husbands - poise and understanding of the partner.

    According to the researcher from Czechoslovakia K. Vitek, the most successful marriage was found in people who noted in their partner reliability, loyalty, love for the family and a solid character. External attractiveness, appreciated by young people, retreats into the background in elderly spouses, preference is given to such qualities as love of the family and ability to manage the household. Men, however, appreciated the appearance of women somewhat more. Women attached importance to the delicacy and balance of men, and appearance was placed on one of the last places. All of them also rejected the rudeness of men, their slovenliness and cowardice.

    K. Vitek concludes that before the marriage partners should pay attention to the presence of each other features such as consistency, diligence, caring, the desire to spend together free time, breadth of nature, orderliness, delicacy, punctuality, dedication, flexibility.

    Of emotional values ​​in the marriage, according to respondents, an important role is played by mutual love, willingness to support in a difficult moment, responsiveness, tenderness, trust and non-response.

    Now about compatibility of spouses. This problem is very confusing and poorly researched. There are three main points of view on this. The first is that the choice of spouses and their compatibility in marriage occurs primarily on the principle of similarity: couples form more or less similar people. The second point of view boils down to the fact that the principle of complementarity is based on the choice and compatibility of spouses: couples are made up of people, complementing each other according to personal characteristics. The third point of view, which seems more vital to me, is that the basis for the choice and compatibility of spouses are the features of their perception and understanding of each other's qualities, which depend on the experience of the individual, her attitudes and values. After all, you can accept or not accept the same shortcomings or advantages of a partner, depending on what you see or want to see in them.

    None of these points of view has received convincing evidence, which, of course, is not accidental. Painfully complex is the human psyche, and even more so the combination of two psychological worlds( husband and wife) in order to reduce everything to certain and strict laws. In addition, life conditions can make significant adjustments to the most favorable and unfavorable statistical calculations.

    Relatively reliable data on the compatibility of individual personal characteristics of the spouses. For example, you can confidently say that the two dominant( with a high personal level) or two willingly subordinate personalities do not get along. Excessively high degree of dominance of one of the spouses reduces the probability of a happy marriage. For the stability of a married couple it is useful that the husband's degree of dominance is slightly higher than that of his wife. But these data also express only a statistically probable expectation, but in life everything can be different: the wife dominates and even too much, and her husband likes it or is comfortable, etc.

    On the basis of his research, the Leningrad sociologist S. Golod came to the conclusion that "that women are satisfied with marriage, provided, first of all, psychological and spiritual compatibility with the husband, the presence of mutual sympathy. Women attach primary importance to spiritual similarity, while each pair understands it in its own way. Women do not always count on the participation of men in the household, they admit their indifference to the everyday side of life. I think that wives understand that there is no need to be flattered on this score, the conservatism of men is well known to them.

    Satisfaction with marriage in men, states the fetus, depends on the psychological compatibility with the wife and her sexual expressiveness. For men, it is important that the wife aspired to sexual activity, since this in his understanding reflects her general psychological attitude towards him.

    And what qualities of a mate are undesirable? But given K-Witek, this is laziness, egoism, inaccuracy, stubbornness, obstinacy, inattention, quick temper, capriciousness, indecisiveness, excessive talkativeness or, on the contrary, the partner's silence, inability to admit mistakes, foul language, naivety, idealistic outlook on life, smoking or attractionto alcohol.

    According to the conclusion of Witek, married men first of all lack a calm home environment, mutual understanding. In addition, they would like the wife to reason wisely. And the woman lacks mainly delicacy, attention and tenderness of the partner. The most unacceptable in marriage is inappropriate behavior, rudeness, inattention to order in the house, sloppiness and careless attitude to things, inability to plan the family budget.

    In one of my studies I addressed to its participants with questions: "What should not be the wife?", "What should not be the husband?" It was necessary to indicate in order of importance only 5 Qualities. Responses were received from 216 men and women, students of day and evening departments of the Higher Trade Union School of Culture in Leningrad. According to the overwhelming majority of respondents, a woman should not be rude, stupid, evil, and a man - stupid, weak, greedy. Other undesirable qualities of men and women were also indicated, but less unanimously, so we leave them without comment.

    It seems that rudeness and anger - a single berries field, although the survey participants identified them separately. Anger is, of course, a more capacious negative personality trait and, as it were, "out" in the form of rudeness, rudeness and cruelty, disrespect for human dignity. Anger is multifaceted, therefore it seeps into all spheres of our relations, attacking the weak and defenseless, appearing where control over the behavior of the individual is reduced.

    A wicked woman is a caricature of her, however, sadly, we have to admit that anger is a very common and stable feature of a woman's character, as it is in everyday life. Evidence? You are welcome.

    In public transport and in lines - women show anger;in the relations of teachers and mothers with children, - anger;in the communication of daughters with parents, wives with husbands - anger. Her companions - rudeness and tactlessness - are the "popular" causes of divorce. Thus, a study in Latvia showed that 11.2 percent of divorcing husbands referred to these reasons. In Magnitogorsk, the picture is even more impressive: the brutality and scandal of wives are put forward as the main claim by 36.7 percent of the plaintiffs.

    Where in women is so much anger? The first source is the aggressive background of childhood. Girls, subjected to a rigid style of relations on the part of parents and educators, who received a massive charge of negative stimulation, aggressive rhythms and sounds, turn into wicked, nervous, deranged women.

    The second source is an uncomfortable environment, which is more hostile to women than friendly. Work, queues, unsettled life. This is said a lot today, it's about giving real help to women.

    The third source of anger is unfulfilled claims. Women, and especially young, I want it fashionably.to dress, live securely, beautifully, which is quite natural. Opportunities, however, are limited in the majority, here-and there is jealousy for those who have attire, good spirits, "smartly" spends holidays.

    The fourth source is the unpleasant factors of fate. Has not carried with the husband,. doed liked, conflicts with parents or at job. One of the most powerful circumstances that traumatize the female psyche is abortion. In my opinion, an unmarried girl who artificially interrupted pregnancy, as a rule, remains permanently injured for a long time. She does not realize this, experiences are deeply intimate, occur at a subconscious level, but manifest themselves in behavior in the form of embitterment. Statistics of abortion in the country itself is alarming and, moreover, does not decrease.

    The fifth source of anger is a weakened moral self-control and lack of proper upbringing.

    Finally, the sixth - the presence in the nature of such traits as impulsiveness and incontinence, they are almost constant companions of anger. Female cruelty, due to impulsiveness, the more traumatic than: unexpectedly manifested. It's easy to explain: from the wife and mother expect kindness and tenderness, and spontaneous reactions reveal its other essence, as a result, the surrounding people have a feeling of insecurity, a feeling that they betrayed you.

    Each of these sources of anger acts not in isolation, but on the principle of the addition of forces. Negative impressions of a mate or early sexual experience are superimposed on childhood mental trauma, traumatic circumstances are added, etc. Can a woman in her 20s be kind and compassionate if in her childhood she saw how her father drank and mocked her mother, if at 17 she had an abortion, if she was already divorced at the age of 19, if she now feels lonely and unhappy? She is not lucky in life, and it can be understood.

    And here's another type: everything in life seems to be safe, young and beautiful, but you have more than enough rage. To such a woman Shakespeare's line is applicable: "Be so smart as evil."Dissoluteness and arrogance destroyed in her: all femininity.

    I can understand women when they sometimes lose self-control and are sharp and even rude to husbands or children. It is difficult to restrain yourself by carrying out a double load, encountering the shortcomings of our life. I can understand them when they quarrel for food or scarce things: one must have the angelic patience to endure the murderous lack of culture of our sellers and the heart-breaking contradiction between what you want to get for the family and what our stores offer you. You can eventually explain and their habit of taking everything by storm and onslaught. Nowhere to go, we must admit that we have brought women before. In confirmation of the quote from the article by writer Maya Ganina: "Now and not yesterday it began that the woman takes everything with a fight: the morning bus, butter and meat in the store, boots, tights, shoes, bras, toothpaste, fashion trousers,, vouchers, summer vacation month, train ticket, airplane, husband, lover, kindergarten, school, university. .. Everything is now won by a woman, is torn to pieces by others, defends, grows up with growl, with the exposure of one's own or artificial teeth..-.,. As if in time immemorial, before the first fire, before the first skin, with the first caring Pithecanthropus thrown over the shaggy shoulders of the females, is the time. "

    You can understand everything, but nevertheless, women, remember that in the first place you expect kindness and tenderness. ..

    Now about women's stupidity. The subject, of course, is delicate. The hint of stupidity offends a person, because it is always prestigious to be smart.

    Stupidity is a characteristic of the individual style of intellectual behavior of a particular person. You can be smart and at the same time do stupid things. To say to a person "fool" means to recognize the constant decrease in his intellect. The French have a precise expression: "If a fool, then this is a long time."It's another thing to say "stupid" - this only recognizes the "slippage" of the intellect: now it is stupid, but it is surmountable, in principle, you are clever.

    When we say "a woman should not be stupid", we obviously want her not to allow intellectual "slippage", "failures", she always showed her prudent wisdom, anticipated the events and prevented their undesirable move. The secret of family well-being in feminine savvy and prudence: a wife must be more intelligent, flexible and pliable than her husband. It is not by chance that in the Russian folklore, Maryushki and Vasilisushki give their husbands advice and how to overcome the steepness, and how to overcome evil forces and how to avoid the mischief. The husband's prudence manifests itself in getting patience and listening to his wife. This is a very correct strategy.

    Hopes for male logic in family affairs are too exaggerated, and family happiness, achieved through the male mind, is the purest myth. The family is strong in women's wisdom and endurance. That's why the woman's stupidity is so dangerous in the house.

    We will designate some of its manifestations( in contrast to male stupidity, which has its attributes, which I leave here without attention):

    • efficiency, scandalousness, inconsistency, after which comes repentance, a true view of events is revealed;
    • "play on the public", which is expressed in the fact that a woman attracts strangers to the conflict, seeks sympathy, support from them, when this is not necessary;
    • exaggeration of some problems, situations, individual faults of the husband instead of helping him to overcome the shortcomings and solve problems;
    • aspiration to expose its advantages and advantages to the husband instead of modestly giving good examples;
    • bulging out their merits, worries, misfortunes in conversations with acquaintances instead of emphasizing the dignity of husband and children and appear happy;
    • attempts to retrain, remake her husband instead of encouraging him to be good;
    • aspiration to find out the relationship with the husband instead of strengthening and stabilizing them;
    • impermanence of demands and behavior in relations with the husband instead of a sequence of actions;
    • rejection of a man in some independence and independence;
    • desire to teach, read morality instead of as little as possible to pull, encourage more and viscously advise;
    • expectation of the ideal behavior from the husband instead of accepting him as he is;
    • lie in trivial matters, in order to avoid a fair reproach or hide your own mistakes( in this case, the intellectual problem is connected with the moral);
    • inability to control one's character, inability to mitigate in a particular situation certain of its features, detrimental to the cause;
    • inability to bypass sharp corners, the habit of going straight ahead.

    In the modern era, when women participate in production and social life, there is a curious split in their intellectual abilities. At work and in public affairs they demonstrate a good, if not just a great mind, and in the family they allow themselves various "slips".For example, a woman is the head of a large production unit, performing this function, she is consistent, firm, consistent, and in a domestic setting scandalous, capricious, resentful. Why does this happen? Perhaps at home there is a pause, rest, which leads to a decrease in control over behavior. Perhaps, it also affects the fact that a woman unconsciously hopes to.mind of the spouse, hands over to him some of the mental work, reducing his intellectual activity. This is not always justified. Or maybe her husband acts badly on her, suppressing her authority and intellectual claims.

    Based on knowledge of psychological patterns, you can identify a number of properties that are undesirable for a woman.

    A woman should not distort and understand femininity.

    Naturally, for this, she first needs to understand what is femininity. In our opinion, its indicators are as follows. A woman should be able to create an atmosphere of easy communication, support the partner, inspire him to do good and courageous deeds. When she becomes a wife and mother, these qualities should be added to such valuable qualities as the ability to organize a home cosiness, be an authority for your children, a friend of your husband, etc.

    Unfortunately, everyday reality brings in this view some adjustments - a newtype of femininity, based, so to speak, on the truth of life.

    It seems that such an "earthly" understanding of femininity was revealed by Leningrad scientists D. Isayev and V. Kagan, interviewing medical students aged 22-28.According to the girls, the characteristic features of the contemporary are: anxiety, emotionality, caring for others, peaceableness, quick temper, persistence, concern for oneself, changeability. But what kind of feminine qualities distinguish young men: peaceableness, anxiety, subordination, self-care, variability, emotionality. As you can see, the accents are significantly displaced in comparison with the ideal.

    Can a modern woman, in which a man, as shown by the survey mentioned above, see anxiety, self-concern, volatility, excessive emotionality, become a support for her husband? Will she be able to attract and retain a man if she overemphasizes her exorbitant claims? This is, above all, a distorted understanding of femininity.

    Let's remember the traditional education of femininity in Japan and pay attention to how everything here is aimed at obtaining the desired effect - the conquest of a man and the satisfaction of his needs. The peak of such education is geysya. Geisya is a purely Japanese phenomenon, which has no analogues in the world. In Japan, geysi are highly respected. They are trained in special high-cost schools. No reception, no business meeting can not do without the participation of a geysi, who takes guests in conversations, entertains with old dances, playing at the Sayama region, singing. Being a fully literate person, geysya is very familiar with art in general, and in particular with the original Japanese art of arranging flowers, with a tea ceremony( it is very difficult for Japanese, unusual and full of symbols), calligraphy. Geisya is the only woman who is supposed to receive compliments and respond to them. Not every girl can become a geysay. Now there are about 30 thousand of them in the country.

    In our society, a woman is brought up differently. Usually it is focused on abstract femininity, which does not serve anyone and nothing. At the same time, the woman wants her husband to satisfy the maximum of her desires and needs.

    Raising daughters, parents mainly instill in them some hygienic rules, plus to this girls are taught to hold a needle in their hands and something to cook. The rest is like boys.

    If we compare the relationship in the family to the son and daughter, it is unlikely to find a significant difference, taking into account the disparity of their mental structure and future roles. Moreover, for the standard is taken exactly the system of education of boys. Works on the equality of the sexes. And as a result, the line between femininity and masculinity is blurred. Thus, for many girls, the opportunity to have a happy family in the future is closed.

    The setting for gender equality creates a certain psychological attitude for them. They seek to assert themselves in any way, including taking on male habits, beginning with the chicken, deliberately demonstrating their independence. But after all, family life requires self-sacrifice, immersion in the interests and needs of family members. Children need to constantly patronize, feel them on;structure, understand their problems, her husband should be supported, to promote his career, in the end, keep with him. To the decision of such "female" tasks the girl is not ready.

    As a result of the discrepancy between the style of upbringing and self-education, the role of the wife and mother is formed by a person with two psychological principles. On the one hand, man-like psychology, and on the other - the desire to show femininity against the background of its obvious deficit. A woman is in a state of mental division. Psychologists call this state marginal( borderline) status. His symptoms are described in detail: a sense of self-doubt, aggressiveness, frequent change of mood, unreasonable anxiety, often appearing a minor worldview.

    Surviving the status of the marginal status, seeking to overcome the discord in their psyche, women resort( usually unconsciously) to different methods. They can become picky, exaggerate family difficulties, disrupt the evil on the spouse and children. One reproaches her husband for passivity, the other competes with him, fighting for authority, for power, for the last word. One wants her partner to obey and not contradict, but at the same time she is not interested in such things, bad, hard;she shifts her other duties to her husband, but then she constantly reproaches him for not having the ability to perform them, etc.

    A woman with a marginal status is burdened by domestic affairs, they are pressuring her with monotony, everyday life. She has a very contradictory attitude to the child: it is perceived as a hindrance to work, the established way of life. Such women often have statements such as: "I would gladly give it to someone."

    It often happens that at the stage of courtship, before marriage, girls try to play femininity, but gradually outwardly the man-like psychology appears more clearly.

    Thousands of family tragedies are due to the fact that a month or two after the wedding reveals another woman's essence. At first the man saw her gentle, kind, caring, attentive and accommodating, then she turns out to be a strong-willed, purposeful, independent, thinking first of all about herself. He married the feelings of a woman, and it is necessary to live with her character.

    It is appropriate to give advice to women: do not disappoint your husbands, constantly reinforce in their minds the image that they liked, for which they fell in love with you. Maybe this is the secret of family longevity.

    A woman should not sacrifice the interests of the family in order to participate in social production.

    But we understand that not everything here depends on the woman's desire. The stereotype of behavior is difficult to change. However, in the interests of the family - it is necessary.

    For decades Soviet people were given a simplified idea of ​​gender equality. Its most important indicator was the opportunity for a woman to participate in social production, so that they gained economic independence. Gradually, the prestige of study and work was strengthened, and the role of family responsibilities was increasingly diminished. The production is equipped with new equipment, the level of qualification of workers, employees, engineers is increasing, it becomes more interesting to work. On the contrary, the equipment of a life and level of development of sphere of services vary considerably more slowly. In addition, in many families, there is a material defect, an unimportant psychological climate. Under the influence of various circumstances, most women prefer production and social responsibilities to household chores.

    Recently, there is a reassessment of values, nevertheless many of our friends are more likely to do business than economic. Often the interests of the family are in the background, some wives, especially the young ones, do not hide their dislike of family and household prose.

    I'm far from blaming our friends for this. The society created in them an illusory idea of ​​equality with men. In fact, it forced women to work, because you can not live with your husband's salary. A woman will really be equal with a man if she can decide at her own discretion where and how much to work for her or not work at all, but to devote herself to the family. In addition, we managed to organize production relations so that neither now, nor in the near future, they will be able to fully develop without the participation of women.

    When I reflect on the dynamics of the average annual employment of women - workers and employees - in the national economy, then, frankly, it does not inspire me. In 1940, the total number of workers and employees was 38.9 percent of women, and in 1987 - already 50.8 percent. If to argue in accordance with the usual ideological stereotype, then this seems to be good and, of course, proves that the Soviet government created all the conditions for the active participation of women in labor activity. But if you look at the same statistics from the point of view of family interests and social justice, then there is little reason for optimism. In the interests of society and the family, it would be better to load us, men, at work, and pay us for work, respectively, and for women-mothers to introduce sliding schedules and a shorter day( in the future with full wages), to work at home. In such areas, the state and carries out its economic policy, but it must be carried out more actively and faster, linking with the idea of ​​equality.

    Let mainly the representatives of the strong half take the burden of responsibility for the decisions made in the service, experience the joy of labor victories, compete for overfulfilment, intensify, carry the cares of the pioneers on their broad shoulders. They are strong, hardy, courageous, they are destined by nature to perform the most complex and difficult labor operations.

    I think most men agree with this. It is more difficult to reorient the consciousness of women. Sociological studies conducted at different times and in different cities of the country revealed that even among women with two children, the majority refused to leave work if they were given this opportunity.

    Some women believe that work and the team is a salvation from the unpleasant aspects of family life. Others read that only in the labor sphere they can realize their abilities, apply knowledge and demonstrate skills. Still others here find friends and girlfriends. The fourth seek recognition, fame and want to see "among the heroes" own names. And some people, even overexerting, nevertheless get some pleasure from their overloads.

    Today there is a certain type of woman - oriented to social achievements, productive activity, creative successes. This type clearly prevails, while society suffers an acute shortage in another type of woman - housewife, mother.

    We want our wives to be attractive, gentle, kind, patient, sociable. Is it possible to preserve and display this or that facet of femininity, say, after ten to fifteen years of work in production? Or even after the end of another shift - tense, exhausting?

    Very difficult! Do we not see how, day by day, femininity is becoming more and more evident before our eyes - this most valuable nutritional source of philanthropy? To put it bluntly, many working women are constantly in a state of neurosis and are "discharged" on children and husbands. The pseudo-equality between men and women flourishes in manners and style of behavior with a lack of mutual respect.

    Having achieved the fact that the woman is engaged in the same work as the man, we ignored the natural differences between the sexes, which have been taken into account in the distribution of duties in the family from time immemorial.

    I can recall the popular thesis that a man and a woman are "on equal terms" today and here. But let's not build illusions about the breakdown of male psychology. Persistent calls for men to be more actively involved in the implementation of domestic affairs do not give the desired effect. In the near future, it is unlikely that the fair distribution of household duties between spouses will triumph.

    According to a sample survey conducted by the CSB of the Russian Federation in 1985, men from among workers and office workers spends 58 minutes on household work on weekdays, 2 hours 44 minutes on a day off. Women from the same population groups, respectively, are 3 hours 13 minutes and 6 hours 18 minutes.

    Let's pay attention to the fact that the working day for men and women is the same - 7 hours 57 minutes. It turns out that in her day off the woman practically does not rest, she works round the week without rest.

    Naturally, this timing affects the opportunities for leisure. On weekdays, men have little more than 4 hours of free time, and women - just 2 hours and 24 minutes;on a day off, men have 9 hours 14 minutes of free time, and women have 6 hours 32 minutes. Free time for collective farmers is even less: on weekdays, 1 hour 54 minutes, on a day off - 4 hours 54 minutes.

    Hence the very conclusion: women have less free time for their development and recreation. Hence, in this sphere there is no real equality with men.

    Let the woman who lives in the city try to go on a weekday, for example, to a movie. The session lasts an hour and a half. In addition, it is necessary to throw time in order to put oneself in order, for transport, turn for tickets, even for a few minutes it is necessary to have in reserve, to enter calmly into the foyer. On everything about everything, according to statistics, it will take just 2 hours 24 minutes. The woman catches and understands that going to the cinema from a cultural rest turns into a marathon race.

    To take advantage of the available limited resources of free time, it will be possible for a woman to be enduring, ready to burden herself with additional troubles. Many of this sample of physical and mental forces do not stand up and therefore decide after work not to go anywhere. If it takes a minute, then it's better to sit quietly by the TV.Thank God, at least there are forces.

    The situation of a woman mother is also complicated by the fact that she has to deal with children of primary school age more and more. The child is studying, and with her mother, the more so the school program has become so complicated over the last ten years that an ordinary student is not able to understand it independently.

    Two approaches to the participation of women in the life of society are defined today: traditional and non-traditional.

    Many still adhere to the traditional approach. In accordance with it, women are called upon to work successfully in production and in public organizations, thereby achieving equality with men, showing independence and realizing their abilities.

    A non-traditional approach is that women's participation in productive affairs and public life should be carried out through activities in the family. The family for them is the main sphere of application of forces, and work in the workplace or in the institution becomes optional and voluntary. Gender equality is understood in such a way that men, participating in production, and women working in the household, contribute equally to the life of society. If a material base of society is created at the production, scientific and technical progress is ensured, then the family carries out the reproduction of life, the intellectual, moral, aesthetic and labor education of the younger generation.

    This, of course, does not mean that women, showing their strengths, abilities and spiritual wealth mainly in the family, can afford to lower their level of erudition, culture, close in four walls and do not know anything other than business affairs. On the contrary, they will require a sharp increase in the level of pedagogical and psychological knowledge, aesthetic, musical, literary preparation. After all, a woman will become the main source of information for her children, their mentor. Recall that this role did not shock the most educated and intelligent women of the last century, who gave themselves entirely to the family and children.

    To this should be added that a cultured, well-groomed, psychologically balanced woman will require a different treatment from a man. She will need much more attention, affection, communication than what has to be met today. We emphasize once more - only women are able to regenerate men, so that women can manifest their life-giving power, they need to escape from the double-load.

    I know there are many opponents of the unconventional approach. Probably, they will be able to present more or less serious arguments in defense of their position, but that's what I do not agree with before - it's with the substitution of arguments in the dispute.

    I remember talking with one worker of public catering. She is categorically against being with children and husband, but with two hands for her work. Brewing dinners for the family, in her opinion, is boring, uninteresting. Standing from morning till late at the public cauldron is attractive. Legs are sick, always chill from the temperature drop, the psychological atmosphere in the team is tense. Nevertheless, at work it is better than at home. Okay, my interlocutor would be a culinary talent and that was so proud of, but, by her own admission, she did not really learn how to cook. Why then does she not want to spend more time in the family?

    The answer is simple - the family is not happy. Opponents of the unconventional approach put forward an argument: in the family, the woman is uncomfortable, so she advocates participation in social production. But this ignores the fact that family life is not glued primarily because the work takes away the best forces, makes you nervous, aggravates conflicts with your husband and children. Husband and wife are practically invisible, and when they meet, they tear off evil and fatigue on each other. In addition - a bad, unsettled way of life, the lack of home appliances. ..

    Under these conditions, of course, I want to escape from home. But "leaving" in the production sphere does not help to solve the problem.

    A woman should not exaggerate negative impressions.

    It is known that circumstances and events affect us not in themselves, but depending on the importance we attach to them, how we regard them. In the end, it's not all that much, and it's always bad for us to depict everyday care, fatigue, and crocheting on our faces.

    . .. How much I remember Sofya Vsevolodovna, she had constant problems with her eldest son. But time has passed, the son got married, lives well - whether it was worth dramatizing the "growing pains"?Now the daughter is growing up, and the mother again has a tragic mine on her face.

    . .. Galina Ivanovna always expected trouble, always was in a depressed state - as I think, because of the exaggerated sense of guilt in front of her daughter: Katya was a child from her first marriage, and her mother constantly molested herself;that too much goes into caring for the second husband and a small son, depriving the elder with attention. But is not it better, instead of doing samoyedstvom, once again tell the girl a kind word, there are no special problems because there is peace and harmony in the house.

    . .. Ksenia Konstantinovna outwardly seems happy: a friendly family, a three-room apartment, a car. And one day, at the moment of revelation, it became clear that she could not forgive her husband for a long time treason. Of course, this is a serious mental trauma, but if the family life continues, do we need to constantly remember it?

    . .. The young and pretty Irochka barely married, how indescribable happiness on her face gave way to an exaggerated drama. Reason known: "life sucked."Playing the princess and the right page ended: she dreamed of an easy and beautiful life, but there is not enough money to get up earlier than before, her husband was greedy. Problem? Yes, but we live on this in order to solve problems. Optimism in such matters is the most faithful assistant.

    . .. Elena Alexandrovna is a clever woman with two higher educations, a literary critic and a teacher of French, she complains intelligently that she lives on a salary of 100 rubles, her financial situation oppresses her, but she does not want to change her job, because she loves her team and does not represent howyou can be under the leadership of some authoritarian or rude leader. In that case, why be killed? If there is enough courage to resist life's misfortunes, then a little bit of it is needed, so as not to become limp, keep cheerfulness of the spirit.

    And that's why I appeal to women: if possible, treat life easier! Much of what is happening should not be taken tragically.

    A woman should not "drive herself into a cage."

    Some wives do not cope with everyday duties. And instead of trying to find the best way out of the situation, it is reasonable to limit or streamline current affairs, they start to panic. The mind weakly controls behavior, negative emotions, suppressing the personality, gradually begin to predominate.

    In this case, it is not so much the objective negative significance of the experience, as in its negative assessment. Temporary difficulties and complexities are perceived as an endless series of setbacks, natural difficulties and obstacles in achieving life

    goals are interpreted as eternal torment, a single tragic event is experienced as a predestined fate. Even the apparent success is seen in gloomy colors, as an accident, as a coincidence of circumstances, and not as a fruit of purposeful efforts and abilities. Thus, the woman herself seems to be "pounding into the cage".

    Here are some signs of this state: life in the present does not please, does not interest, attention is absorbed by the past or directed to the future;self-flagellation, unreasonable self-criticism, doubt in one's own strengths and capabilities, seeking out the shortcomings and negative features in oneself without trying to overcome them;complaints about the injustice of fate;constant expectation of something unpleasant;inability to relax, relax, feel the holiday;"Postponing" joy under the pretext of "that's when": when I get an apartment, when the children grow up, etc.; meditations in the form "now if. ..": if it were lucky. .. if it were beautiful. .. if the husband loved. .. if you win the lottery. ., etc.; distorted perception of reality due to various concerns: "and this is not so, and it is not that way";the vision of the circumstance is as if in a "crooked mirror";propensity to rhetoric, empty eloquence, lengthy talk about life, destiny.

    A woman should not "fall into childhood."

    This refers to the maturity of behavior and decision-making at critical moments in life and in everyday life. It is good to keep children's spontaneity and impressionability, but it is bad to behave like a child, which is inherent in some wives.

    Impressions of childhood usually impose their own imprint on us. The nature and habits of a person depend, among other things, on how fully and respectfully his needs in childhood were satisfied, happy or unhappy relationships developed with parents, what diseases and how they were transferred, whether long-term troubles or certain traumatic events were encountered. Adverse circumstances can restrain the normal development of the personality: the internal balance is broken, excessive dependence or, on the contrary, exaggerated independence from others, excessive or insufficient self-actualization, that is, the desire to manifest one's self.

    From his childhood into family life, in no case can we endure vagaries and helplessness, the desire that we are admired and made us endless discounts, the habit of admiring ourselves and taking offense at trifles, the dependent moods and expectations that someone will do the most important for usand responsible, as did our parents.

    Many young people enter the family life infantile, with children's emotions and moods. Marriage for many years turns into a game, which continues day by day two quite adult people. Often the consequence of this game is a divorce, the decision of which is taken with the same childless irresponsibility as on the very marriage.

    Foreign psychologists claim that in each person there are three "I" - a child, a parent and an adult. The childish "I" is childishly, capriciously, excessively emotionally, waiting for instructions, does not make decisions, tries to manipulate others, seeking from them the satisfaction of their needs and desires.

    The parental "I" is a style of behavior that a person borrows from his parents and tries to show in relationships with others, for example, with a marriage partner, friends, workmates. The parental "I" is expressed in the desire to point out to others, to instruct and teach them, to demand obedience. It does not tolerate objections, but at the same time it is ready to show custody and protect another regardless of its age.

    Adult "I" - judicious, moderate, seasoned. Its main distinguishing feature is that it is guided by objective facts, takes into account the specific conditions and conditions of participants in joint activities. Where necessary, the adult "I" demands, presses and achieves its own, and, where it is justified, makes concessions, demonstrates softness, flexibility.

    Tensions and conflicts in family life, rejection by each other's spouses may be due to the fact that the husband or wife abuse their childish or parental "I".For example, a woman behaves helplessly, passes before any difficulties, panics - these are signs of a child's "I".Moods, whimpering and other childish antics, manifested in relation to her husband, can irritate him and encourage him to treat his wife with an exaggerated exaggeration in the style of the parent "I".

    Often a woman is fond of demonstrating the parental "I": she orders her husband and children, infinitely reminds of something, pettily wards. Such a manner can lead them out of themselves, encourage defensive reactions in the form of rudeness, refusal to obey, "shutdown" when they hear, but ignore someone else's words. The parental style of a woman's behavior is capable of provoking too often a child's "I" in a child or husband - they begin to play along with their mother and wife, who wants to command and point. In this case, the woman herself is even more "part of the role", and family members do not take her seriously.

    So, we discussed various undesirable psychological features and aspects of the behavior of a woman, wife. Now you will be offered the next task. Evaluate each situation and tell me whether it is typical for you or not typical. The more you give positive answers, so, unfortunately, you have more than what is undesirable in a woman, pushes a man away from her, prevents you from loving.

    Manifestations of the intellect: 1. If the spouse is smarter than the wife, this should hurt her self-esteem.2. My husband thinks that I have no sense of humor.3. Sense of humor very rarely helps us with my husband to avoid family conflicts.4. I sometimes criticize the husband's unwise actions.5. It's hard for me to rely on the mind of my spouse.6. A woman needs to forgive foolishness.7. I am very forgetful.8. If I start to get excited, I can do something stupid.9. I know that I do not have the flexibility, intelligence, resourcefulness.10. Lies over trifles - an insignificant lack of female character.11. I catch myself on the fact that I love to "cry" for my life, my friends.12. It can be difficult for me to keep my mouth shut.13. I post.avila goal to re-educate her husband.14. I often read moral to my husband or child.15. It seems to me that at work my mind manifests itself more clearly than in communication with my husband and children.

    A propensity for anger and rudeness: 1. To be rude and tactless should be the same.2. I often swear in queues.3. I rarely feel remorse if I get angry with those I love.4. Sometimes I'm so evil that I want to "rush" at people.5. I speak the truth in my eyes, not caring about expressions.6. If I get hurt "for a living", I can talk rudeness.7. Ingenious criticisms of me infuriate me.8. I can object in a sharp manner, even if it threatens me with troubles.9. Delicacy is appropriate only with those who deserve it.10. It seems to me,

    that people should openly show their displeasure and abuse another.11. In some cases I consider myself to be right in saying a rude person.12. People often annoy me.13. Sometimes I break on a child.14. If a boor is in front of me, I will always tell him about it.15. Roughness and anger of women can be justified by the circumstances in which they are.

    Distorted understanding of femininity: 1. Femininity for me means above all elegance in manners and clothes.2. The main sign of femininity is weakness and insecurity.3. A woman must be capricious, this is natural.4. A real woman should only rely on her own strength.5. To consult a man in economic matters is the last thing.6. A husband should wear a wife in his arms, think only of her, live only for her.7. A woman has the right to be unrestrained, because she is a woman.8. For the girl, the most beautiful thing is most important.9. Create an easy and relaxed atmosphere of communication - the responsibility of the young man( man), not the girl( woman).10. It is shameful to keep a man, even if he is very dear.11 A woman who tries to please her husband, humiliates himself.12. In a woman I like the willingness to stand up for myself.13. Masculinity is the main feature that a modern woman should possess.14. I'm bored with a man who needs to sympathize.15. Kitchen - the lot of simpletons.16. Having given birth to a child, the woman ceases to be feminine.17 Femininity is manifested only at a young age. Exaggeration of negative life experiences: 1 To distract from the present, I often live with memories of the past or fantasize about the future.2.When the children grow up, I can finally live normally.3. When I accumulate the necessary amount( I win the lottery), I can live for my own pleasure.4. When I get a new apartment, everything will go differently.5. I often have a desire not to see or hear anyone.6. I'm always worried about something.7. Holidays for me are no different from everyday life.8. Economic affairs depress me.9. I often reproach myself that much has not been done.10. Perhaps I'm too worried about my son( daughter).11. I constantly think about work.12 On a good holiday you have to dream only.13. I already forgot when I was at the theater.14. I often go home like hard labor.15. From your husband you see so little good.

    Syndrome of "zagnannosti in a cage": 1. Most likely I am a helpless person.2. It seems to me that I am a powerless person and that fate governs me.3. It often seems to me that I am in some kind of trap, in desperate circumstances.4. If I had successfully chosen my husband, I could have it all otherwise.5. If the family in which I grew up gave me more, then everything would be much better in my life.6. If I were beautiful, I would have achieved more in life.7 If I were lucky with work, I would feel happy.8. If I were less shy, I would have success.9. Sometimes I want to part with life.10. I always wait for something unpleasant.11. If my husband loved me, I would become joyful and calm.12. My birthday is the most sad day.13. In this life I'm wasting my time.14. I'm disappointed in life.15. I often regret that my abilities have not been developed.16. I'm afraid of people, because I'm offended, disappointed, I do not trust them.17 I am deeply indifferent to everything.

    Return to childhood: 1. Sometimes I want to attract attention to myself, and I pretend to be sick, hurt, unhappy 2. I have a habit of pouting and staying silent for a long time.3. I am able to use a charming smile to get my husband to do what I want.4. Sometimes I'm fussy.5. I know that I like to quarrel.6. Sometimes I wait for my husband to make a decision, although it would be appropriate to take it myself.7. Sometimes I find it hard to resist buying some kind of trifle, although there is no extra money.8. A spouse sometimes reproaches me for behaving like a child.9. Sometimes in critical situations I prefer to behave passively, according to the principle "where the curve will take out".10. I'm very sensitive.