Alternatives to the "give the child a cry" approach
Instead of choosing the harsh approach "let it cry" or the less cruel method that the child is allowed to cry, but from time to time take it in his arms and calm down, think about the following options for these approaches - options that retain confidenceand sensitivity between parents and the child.
Like weaning, the time to wean a child off your bed and apply various tricks to make him sleep on his own, for all children comes at different ages, and also depends on the lifestyle of the parents. The rigidity of the "let us cry" approach causes us to be concerned. A whole list of prohibitions grants this approach. For example, "do not give up and do not take the child in your arms."The only prohibition that exists in our approach: never follow with all the rigor of to someone else's method, but only your own. Children are too expensive and unrepeatable for this. Here are some basic recommendations on the basis of which you can create your own approach to how to help a child sleep.
Be flexible
If you took the system out of the book, you do not have to apply it 100 percent. You can try the approach in part, take yourself what gives the effect, and give up what does not help. Every time you try a new method, you update the folder "Night Experience".Do not think that night awakenings will last for years if you do not do anything with them for the next two nights. With each month, trying something, you become wiser, and the child becomes more mature. Time is on your side. The rigid approach "let it cry" requires that you use the system 100 percent. It is not right. If you go to the system of nightly education gradually, the child has less to worry about because of the change in your nightly treatment with him.
Let the child be a barometer for you
Use your child to "measure" how well your approach works, and do not rely on the plot invented by someone found in the book. If it does not work, go back to the old one and try again in a month. The problem of many variants of the "let them cry" approach is that they do not take into account the child's participation. Your child is your approach partner. When you gradually give up your nightly affection and go on to applying ways to make the child go to sleep without your help, use the behavior of your child as a barometer for
during the day. If it pleases you and nothing tells you that the child is concerned or that your sensitivity has weakened, go on to the next point of the night's training. If, on the contrary, there are the first symptoms of the syndrome of premature withdrawal( anger, alienation, clinging, hysteria), go back and change your strategy.
Kim and Allen were at night sensible parents, but the never-ending nightly awakenings of their two-year-old child with high needs, Jeremy, took them out of patience. Parents are tired;the child is tired. Definitely needed to change the night order. These parents practiced a loving, attachment-based approach to caring for a child. They knew their child, and the child trusted their parents. Now, when Jeremy woke up, instead of rushing to calm him, they gave him time to calm himself. They did not put any time limits on how long to let him cry, and did not set any strict rules about "not succumbing."Every night they acted intuitively. If Jeremy screamed panic and triggered their alarm system, they allowed themselves to decide that they need to go to the child. Every night they waited a little longer, and when they did come to reassure Jeremy, they just let
know that everything was all right. In addition, parents tried to be more sensitive to Jeremiah's day. To determine if their method works, they looked at their child. If it was noticeable during the day that Jeremy was upset, or if he was distancing himself from them, they held back the swiftness of nighttime training. They did not allow themselves to become insensitive. Two weeks later, Jeremy began to sleep longer, like his parents.
Why did they succeed? First, parents and the child laid the foundation for trust and mutual sensitivity. Secondly, the parents did not get over the hard schedule, how much to give the child to cry. The child became a partner in their approach, when they gradually pushed him to independence at night.
Go with child steps
Vicki and Jack were the sensitive parents of the ten-month-old little girl Michelle, who constantly woke up at night. The girlfriend gave them a book that promotes the "let it cry" approach, in which a cruel schedule was laid out, how much to let the child cry. After two nights of applying this approach, Vicki noticed the following changes in their child: "She cried a lot all day. Sometimes she clings to me stronger than usual, at times she was detached. Gone is something that we had before. "Jack said, "She does not bother you anymore."
These parents turned to us for advice, asking for help in order to normalize the day-time behavior of their child. Here's what we advised: "You see by the child's negative behavior throughout the day that they pushed him too far too soon. You had the wisdom to understand that you are risking the emotional well-being of the child and your trusting relationships. She is not ready for such a giant step. Going from your bed to a separate crib in her own room without your help, or almost without your help - it was too much for her. So, you tried it - it's not scary - and see that you need to go back. Give yourself a few nights to return to harmony, and then think about how you can make smaller steps that both parties will arrange. Firstly, since she wakes up every hour, perhaps there are physiological reasons for that. Go through the list of possible causes of nocturnal awakenings. Then, having fed her breast, let her husband lull her and put her in a crib, or in your bed, if you prefer to move a little slower. Then, on her first awakening, decide for yourself which of you will lull her again. When you are ready for bed, do not be afraid and take it to your bed the next time you awaken and breastfeed - feed the night
breast once or twice simply - it's up to you. Agree with her husband alternately pay her attention when she wakes up. Several of these nights should be enough for you to return to the night mode, which you can tolerate. "
What we do
This is what we do if our children constantly wake up at night. First, we consider the child's education to sleep as a night discipline. Just as we are against the use of physical force as a means of directing discipline in the afternoon, we swore that we will not use the "let it weep" approach as a night disciplinary method. This attitude means that we are very interested in finding the true cause of our child's nightly awakenings and, by trial and error, other approaches. Just like if a parent beats his child with a belt, this prevents him from figuring out the true cause of the child's bad behavior and finding a more acceptable method of restoring order, the "let him cry" approach does not allow parents to find out the true cause of the child's nightly awakenings and try less traumatic alternatives.
Then we decide for ourselves how many night awakenings we are able to sustain, making a discount for non-standard situations( illness, moving and so on).For example, at the age of nine months, we
are able to withstand one or two awakenings per night, provided that the child quickly falls asleep again, or sometimes more frequent awakenings, about once every three weeks. If a child wakes up more often( except when he is sick), we put into operation our "system" - that is, we go through our entire list of possible causes of nocturnal awakenings and accordingly change our treatment with the child in the middle of the night.
One night Matthew, who was then twenty months old, woke up and demanded a breast - the third time in three hours."Nee-and-and," said Matthew."No," answered Marta."No-and-and," said Matthew louder."No!" She said louder than Marta. I woke up at the height of this dialogue "no-and-and-no" and realized that Matthew demanded too much from Martha.
Martha taught Matthew to be pleased that she was lying next to him, and did not feed him at night. Sometimes it was enough to pat him or pat on the back or just draw him closer to himself when he became restless and expressed displeasure. Then he gradually reconciled with the prohibition of "no breast," surrendered and fell asleep again. In this situation, another approach was appropriate: it was my turn to nurse a child. The important point is to use a variety of sedative techniques that satisfy the child's need for relaxation.
Daddy as the second nanny
Although psycho-purists can advise their mothers: "Keep breastfeeding: the baby will soon overgrow it", for some parents this technique does not work. The lack of a full sleep becomes a delayed-action mine, even for the most selfless mothers. This is happiness for the mother, if the father as soon as possible learns to reassure the child: when the night crisis erupts, it will not be for the mother. When a child screams in my arms, Marta can still relax. If the scream gets louder, she again assumes the role of the main comforter. We do not continue to stubbornly implement an unsuccessful experiment. This is different from the "give the child a cry" approach, which does not give the child the opportunity to influence his parents.
Beth and Ed based their night care of the baby on affection, and it worked. Toddler Nathan woke at night every two or three hours, but Beth fed him and again put her to bed. Both were at night in harmony and felt relatively well rested the next day. Although most children receiving such care gradually age their sleeping periods as they age, Nathan continued to demand frequent nighttime feeding. When he was a year and a half, he still wanted to get his breasts at night every two to three hours. What began as a nightly parental care, turned into a night mess. Beth began to hate feeding Nathan with breastfeeding at night and, because she felt tired the next day, was not a very sensitive mother during the day. Father felt like a complete wreck at work. They went over the whole list of possible causes of nocturnal awakenings, but nothing helped. Definitely, Nathan formed an association between falling asleep and breastfeeding. He was addicted to it. When he woke up, nothing could calm him, except his chest.
Nathan needed to find other associations in order to gradually wean from frequent night feedings. Beth and Ed came to me for advice, and we took the following steps.
Recognition of the problem. The first step, and sometimes the most difficult for sensitive and responsive parents, is to understand that they have a problem that needs to be addressed."Just continue to meet the child's needs, and he will grow from them" did not work. In this situation, parents felt that the continuation of night feeding is no longer a necessity for their child - he simply prefers it. So, the first barrier for parents and for me was to admit that the reality is this: you need to change the night approach.
Formation of other associations with sleep in the child. Instead of Beth putting Nathan to sleep every night, I advised Ed to rock Nathan on his father's hands. Ed wore his child in a bag-sling in a position "pressed against his neck," walked with him, rocked him and sang to him. When his baby fell asleep, he put it on the mattress next to their bed and lay down next to him for ten to fifteen minutes, until it became obvious that Nathan was in a deep sleep.
Using the father as a nanny. As by the hour, two hours later, Nathan woke up and expected that he would immediately be offered a breast. Instead, Ed became a sedative, trying to get Nathan to bed with the least noise. Sometimes it was required only to pat on the back. In other cases, Ed wore Nathan in his arms, rocked and lulled, pressing to his neck.
At first, Nathan did not like this change in the parental appeal. He expressed displeasure - but he did this not alone. He was in the hands of his father. Nathan begged for "yum-yum," but with every night awakening, Ed repeated to him: "Mom went to bed, dad goes to sleep, yum-yum went to bed and Nathan will sleep."Nathan realized that when it's dark, everyone sleeps - even yum-yum. We passed out two nights when my father could not calm Nathan, and then Beth came
Night trick of
Accustom a child to various associations when he falls asleep or returns to sleep;otherwise the main lullaby, usually my mother, will be out of strength. If a child is to fall asleep, he is always given a breast or a bottle, he will always wait for the same means to fall asleep again, even if he needs more to suck him for comfort than to get food. At the time of writing this book, when we put our child to bed, we nursed him in turn. In one night Marta fed Stefan a breast, and I rocked him when he woke up. The other night, I rocked Stephen, wearing it in a sling-he bag, and Martha took the shift later. When Stefan grew older, and the amount of money we had in our arms for lulling the child, significantly increased, he began to gradually move on to independent return to bed.
to help in the middle of the night. A week later, Nathan obediently accepted his father's lulling, although he would have preferred the other. Two weeks later Nathan began to wake up at night only once. And a month later he slept for seven or eight hours in a row.
From Mom to Dad, and then to your favorite toy
Bill and Susan were caring and responsive parents day and night. At the age of eighteen months, baby Natalie began to wake up often at night. These parents decided that they would do everything possible to help Natalie get a healthy attitude to sleep. Susan herself was afraid of sleep and swore: "I will not allow her to grow up, like me, in fear of going to sleep."But Susan had already been pregnant with a second child for three months, and she did not have enough strength to get up with Natalie all the time-and she had the sense to admit it. Stacked Natalie Bill. He would lie next to her on the mattress in her room or sometimes at the foot of their parent's bed. Natalie settled herself between her father and her favorite teddy bear. When they began to overcome sleep, his father often said: "Good night, Natalie, and good night, Mishka-Toptyshka."When the child fell asleep, the father took the baby in his arms( along with Mishka Top Tyshka) and put them together in a baby cot or sometimes left them
to sleep on a mattress next to the parent's bed. When Natalie woke up in another room and began to cry, her father walked to her and stroked her on the back, put her hand on the bear, again wished them both a good night and waited for her to fall asleep. After a while, Natalie began to cuddle close to the bear cub on awakening and fall asleep herself.
Purists can express outrage at the fact that the child is taught to seek consolation from a teddy bear instead of a mom or dad. But the former
are family circumstances( pregnancy, illness, work schedule) in which the parents are at the limit, and for them a night substitute for mom is the only salvation. In addition, like every literate process of excommunication, the gradual excommunication from a real parent to a favorite toy( a bear, a doll or even a favorite blanket) is a normal part of the process of growing a child, in this case the process of acquiring the maturity of sleep. Each age needs their helpers.
Think about the physiological cause of
If, after you have tried all of these techniques, your child still often wakes up at night, think about whether there is a physiological reason. Since the main cause of nocturnal awakenings is persistently considered spoiled, parents and doctors forget to look for a physiological reason. Ask your doctor to examine your child to identify the possible physiological cause of your child's nightly awakenings.