Should I have a second child?
REQUIRED!The candidate of medical sciences, child psychotherapist V.Kagan( Leningrad) advises.
It would seem, well, what does the child lack? What only we do not do for him! And yet we understand that no one and nothing will replace those relations that arise in the family between brothers and sisters. It's not just that the child needs to communicate. He grows up, and he has a need to take care of another - a weaker being than himself. Here and the feeling of their new strength, and the first sprouts of kindness and generosity, even motherhood and paternity. But we smile, rejecting the year, the other, the third. .. And now the requests for a brother or sister sound less and less, and then completely stop / The first-born does not want to share the love and attention of adults with someone else.
Why is it bad to be single?
The only child quickly gets used to the fact that everything in the family is aimed at him. He feels the supremacy of the very fact of his existence. The child gets used to perceive the pleasant for granted, and the unpleasant - as insulting. Often this leads to the fact that he begins to openly manipulate adults. But outside the family, where the love and disposition of others must be earned, such manipulation is not accepted. Is not this the basis for resentment for the whole world that we often find in adults? It is also difficult for parents: as the child learns the role of "light in the window," it becomes more difficult to treat him.
Is it necessary to be afraid of jealousy?
Many do not dare to have a second child, for fear of childish jealousy, about which they heard or observed it in other families. Since usually attract attention quite dramatic manifestations of childish jealousy, the difficulties often seem insurmountable. Meanwhile, they can be completely avoided.
It is said that the jealousy of the firstborn is less apparent if the difference in the age of children is 1.5-2 years. But this is not so. When a child is small, he still desperately needs parents as the only link between himself and the world, it is very difficult for him to become someone's support, protection. When he is older than his sister or brother for 7-8 years and is busy with his "adult" affairs, the kid may be uninteresting to him.
So when?
The answer is prompted by the first-born: this is a period of three to six years, when they are so persistently asking for a sister or brother. Indeed, this is the age when the child is already sufficiently confidently perceiving himself as a person, striving for independence and testing himself. Where is all this experience, how not in communication with the baby? !Of course, this does not mean that the age difference should in no case be more than six or less than three years. But this means that in this case it is necessary to pay more attention to the preparation of the first child for the appearance of the second child.
How to cause a desire to have a brother or sister?
Sometimes parents begin to consult with the first child. This is fine if they are sure that they will receive exactly the answer they are waiting for. And if not? What then - to persuade, reproach in selfishness, abuse or just do it your own way? In any case, the child will feel that they do not consider him, that the child who has not yet appeared already threatens his closeness with his parents.
The best way is to make the mother's pregnancy period a time of mutual alertness and care. The setting of the holiday expectation, the increased closeness of the child and parents will be a reliable antidote to childish jealousy. The attention of the child to the pregnant mother should not be an attention to the allegedly sick person: he may dislike the future baby for the fact that "his mother is in bad shape".Even if the pregnancy is difficult to endure, it is better not to show it especially to the child, especially to the girl: after all, she also has to prepare for motherhood in the future, and it is better not to intimidate her in advance. Very good, if the child learns that the baby starts to stir in his mother's stomach, that at this time he is already quite a man - with handles and legs. Let the child, with his hand on his mother's stomach, feel this stirring. The first time this can cause fright, but curiosity will take its toll and gradually the child will want to do it every day, together with the mother as if carrying the baby and already effectively loving it - worrying, experiencing, waiting. For many years I recommend this way, I see with what mistrust my advice is sometimes perceived, but I have never seen parents who have decided on such preparation to face later with childish jealousy.
The baby appears in the house of
He is treated, they are admired, they look after him. Even in the best case, the elder will be at least a little jealous. And this is natural. I even think that this moment is precious, if, of course, we help the first-born feel that the more and more generously he shares with the child the parental love, the more he gets it. If adults remain attentive and affectionate towards him, they attract him to their joy, infect him if they allow the eldest to see and touch the baby, feel his tender warmth, do something for him, if one does not forget, having bought a rattle baby, bring along withher something nice and older - jealousy will quickly pass.
However, all too often, we, adults, seem to push the elder to the background. He lones alone, alone, and, having interfered, hears: "You are already great! You're the eldest! You can not! You should. .. "Is it any wonder that instead of loving the baby, even if she was at first, we soon encounter dislike, demands" to take it back "or" throw it away "?This is a call for help. Not paying attention to him or punishing a little jealous, we risk only aggravate the situation or cause a neurosis.
What can happen
From time to time I come across children of six or nine years who behave like babies: they need to feed them from their nipples, begin to urinate in bed and panties, try to sleep in a stroller, etc. Unconsciously imitating the baby, doingsomething that attracts the attention of parents to them, they try to fill the deficit of parental love that they are experiencing. If this is ignored or leads to punishment, the neurosis may take more severe and protracted forms.
I remember a 4-year-old kid, who was striving to strangle his younger brother with a pillow. Parents were amazed at his spitefulness. I saw at the receptions of a soft and kind boy, who was extremely touching to any manifestation of heat. From domestic considerations, in the middle of pregnancy, his mother was sent to his grandmother, whom he had never seen, and was taken when his brother was 3 months old. He suffered so much from separation from his parents that the grandmother had to show it to the doctor. When he returned, he saw that the children were at home in the center of parental concerns. He reached out to the grown-ups, and from time to time they scolded him because he "does not like a brother".It took months of work with the family and the boy before the parents could safely leave the brothers in the same room.
Exit only one
It is better to warn than to defeat childish jealousy. A simple thing to remember. To the child shared with the baby love, he must give himself a lot of love: sharing, he should not feel deprived of himself! He must realize that the more he gives love, he gets more. Only in this way, gradually, with the help of the parents, the first-born will grow in love, capable of self-sacrifice.