Development of marital relations
The problem is that marital communication can not remain the same, it is constantly evolving and changing. It is quite natural that some unforeseen changes may occur from time to time in the relations of the spouses, however, in addition, there are certain regular changes typical for the development of marriage in time. If we compare the periods of courtship and boyhood with subsequent periods, we will see a typical transition from romantic love to a realistic understanding of marriage. Often it comes to the confrontation of idealistic ideas about marriage and a partner with the real trifles of everyday life. Most often the husband falls silent, as he simply has nothing more to say. After the birth of children, new pleasures and worries arise, which mainly concern the wife. Special stages of development of matrimonial relations correspond to the periods of the upbringing of children, their separation from parents and possible leaving home, as well as the climacteric period, the period of panic about the "closed doors" and the involution of the senses.
Stages of development of matrimonial relations
Sociologists distinguish the following stages of development: 1) marriage before the birth of children;2) marriage with young children;3) marriage with older children, who often leave their parents' families;4) marriage after the children have separated from their parents.
Each period is characterized by its tasks, which the spouses must cope with, and typical problems requiring their solution. Difficulties arise when moving from one stage to another, when the spouses can not immediately rearrange themselves and retain the old principles and behavior, characteristic of the previous stage. It is necessary to help the spouses to adapt quickly to the conditions, tasks and needs of a new stage in the development of their marriage.
With a differentiated approach to conjugal therapy, depending on the stage of matrimony, it is also possible to use the periodization proposed at the special
conference of the Academy and has been discussed more than once in the press: a young marriage, a middle age marriage and a matrimonial marriage. This division should be expanded, adding the marriage of the elderly. With this classification, there is no one-time time scale, so there is some confusion: some researchers rely on the spouse's life together, others on the age of partners. The periods of conjugal life, however, have a characteristic psychological atmosphere and typical problems.
1. A young marriage, according to the opinion of Fanta, is a marriage that lasts less than 5 years;according to most researchers, this period is 10 years. The age of the spouses is from 18 to 30 years. During this period, the couple get used to each other, buy furniture and household items, often at first do not have their own apartment and live with the parents of one of them. Over time, there is an apartment, which is gradually being set up, is building its own household. Spouses expect children;with the birth of children, a number of features arise related to care and concern for them. In the professional field, young spouses only acquire any qualifications, they gradually reach a certain position, adapt to a new family situation. My wife is on maternity leave for a while. Joint life requires considerable expenses, often exceeding the earnings of young people, so they are financially supported by their parents.
A particular problem is early marriage( one or both spouses under the age of 18).A certain risk of such marriages is due to the insufficient psychosocial maturity of partners, poor reasonableness of such a serious step, low level of professional qualifications, problems with housing and cares for children.
Middle-aged marriage, according to the Fanta classification, covers a period of 6-14 years, and according to other researchers, 10-25 years from the date of marriage. The age of the spouses is from 30 to 45-50 years. At this age, people are economically active, occupy a stable social position and are spared from the need to purchase apartments, furniture, etc. The house no longer has small children, children are schoolchildren or students, which gradually become more independent. Wife, in addition to household duties, can spend much more time in professional activities.
3. Matrimony of mature age( according to the same classification) is the period after 15 years of joint life or after 25 years( according to other sources).Partners aged 45-60 years;this age Prihoda called a transition between maturity and old age. In this age period, the speed of mental processes decreases, the ability to master a new one decreases, the level of original, creative and flexible thinking falls, but this is well compensated by the large volume of accumulated information and life experience. At the beginning of this stage of matrimony, a climacteric period usually takes place, which is often accompanied in women by increased tension and lability of mental processes. By the end of the phase with the release of the couple to retire, the stereotype of their life changes. Children leave and create their own families. Spouses get used to the fact that they again, like at the beginning of a life together, are left alone, or get used to live with their children's families and raise grandchildren.
4. The elderly woman is characterized by the manifestations of old age in both spouses. The productivity of labor decreases and the number of problems related to health increases. Marriage, as a rule, is stable. Spouses need help and are afraid of losing each other. Relations between them are the same as they have developed during a long life together. At this time it is already hard to change anything. At this stage, marital relations become the subject of marital therapy only in exceptional cases, and if this happens, it is explained by involuntary or senile manifestations of pathological personality traits, egocentrism and lack of understanding of the partner's needs. With the narrowing of social contacts, in some cases, pressure is exerted on adult children, especially when they live together, which can also cause conflicts. Conflicts between the old can arise as a reflection of their conflict with the "young" or based on a different attitude towards them. Communication with grandchildren usually enriches the lives of the elderly.
Second marriage
Due to the high frequency of divorce in marital therapy, one often has to deal with partners, for one of which( or both), real marriage is the second. At the same time, specific problems arise, which are still poorly developed in the special literature. Two types of repeated marriages are most often observed: 1) marriage of a divorced middle-aged or elderly man to a younger, free and childless woman;2) the marriage of a divorced man, whose children stayed with their mother, on a divorced woman with a child or several children. Special problems can arise with repeated marriages of widowers or widows.
1. Marriage of a divorced man with a free and significantly young woman. The love affair of these partners was once the main cause of the disintegration of the former family. The experiences in the originally extramarital relationship are so different from the familiar family life, full of responsibilities, that the man again has enthusiasm and energy. He leaves his family to start a new life. The young woman is impressed by the man's experience, his knowledge and social position, his confidence in his actions, she admires him and at the same time finds in him the paternal features. Something else seems to be the case when a long-divorced man is looking for a free woman to create a new family.
The relationship between them is often first formed on a combination of a "parent" and a "child" partner, which( according to the already considered marriage profiles) are completely compatible. The further development of marriage depends on whether this type of relationship persists or after a period of time during which the young woman develops and ripens socially, she leaves the role of a "child" partner and begins to pursue her autonomous line, to claim the primacy in the family. As a result, she ceases to respect the actions of her older husband, who previously liked her, and begins with critical sensitivity to assess his habits and less flexibility in his behavior. It is possible, however, that a man in the initial period of the second marriage will be able to adapt well to increased flexibility of behavior and will keep it in the future.
Certain problems may be related to the need for financial support for children from the first marriage, which reduces the standard of living of the new family, the meetings of the husband with his children from the first marriage, and also with some unhappiness in the sexual sphere. If the difference in the age of the spouses is significant, there may be a temporary decrease in sexual activity, which gradually returns to the previous level;the decline in sexual performance and intensity often does not satisfy the sexually reactive young wife.
2. A second marriage with a divorced woman with children. In most cases, both partners are divorced, and the age difference is usually small. Both were dissatisfied in their first marriage and enter into a new marriage with the hope that this time the marital life will be better. They already have an instructive experience, but, on the other hand, they are less flexible, they change their habits more slowly. The wife brings a child( or several children) with her from the first marriage, her new husband becomes a stepfather. Children from the first marriage have a negative impact on consent in the new family. The foster father has problems communicating with them, with their discipline, which is much more difficult for him to do than his own father. He can be perceived by children as an uninvited guest, taking away some of their mother's love. They can protest against any of his attempts to get closer. A wife may feel particularly wounded when her husband criticizes the behavior of "her" children. In addition, it is necessary to respect the rights of the father, which increases the uncertainty of the receptionist( to what extent he can claim the role of a real father in the family).Sometimes the adoptive father takes responsibility for the children, loses credibility, feels detached from the family. He leaves his wife with problems of education of "her children", and when she does this, in his opinion, it is wrong, criticizes it or suppresses its impulses, protest, which leads to tension and negative emotions. Tension is sometimes weakened or withdrawn with the birth of one's own child, but in some cases, it may intensify when problems arise between "her" and "their" children.
Advantages of the second marriage in comparison with the first are that partners no longer count on "eternal", romantic love and approach marriage more rationally. Keeping in mind the bitterness with which the first marriage often ends, the partners are grateful for all the good that they are given a second marriage, and they are trying to preserve it, protect it more actively. If disharmony in family relations arises again, the partners are more prepared, motivated to marital therapy and cooperation within its framework.
An interesting question requiring further detailed research is the following question: how often and under what conditions the second marriage is better, the same or worse than the first. In neurotics, persons with pathological traits or with a pronounced frustration complex( since childhood), in the second( and other) marriage the same unsuccessful choice of partner is observed, the same mistakes that led to the disintegration of the first marriage are observed.
A wife who divorced her husband due to his addiction to alcohol, again marries an alcoholic. The husband, divorcing his hysterical wife, again marries a hysterical woman. The husband( or wife) carries the typical for him( or her) non-adaptive behavior from the first marriage to the second, and the relationships that led to disharmony in the first family are repeated. The husband constantly irritates the second wife( as well as the first) with inattention, lack of interest in home affairs, delays in beer, filthiness, despotism, quick temper or jealousy. A wife with her hysteria, constant remarks, lamentations or theatrical complaints can( as in the first marriage) cause her husband's unwillingness to come home. In addition, partners, as a rule, ignore their own role in the conflict, completely blaming the other, as it was in the previous marriage. Correction of this situation requires the use of systematic group psychotherapy.
Normal, adaptive individuals seem to be more likely to draw the right conclusions from a previous failure, choose a more appropriate partner for a second marriage or behave more sensibly and tactfully.
A man who had an unnecessarily emotional wife in his first marriage, constantly demanding attention to himself, proof of love and admiration for her, chooses a modest, quiet woman for a second marriage. A man who had a very caring wife in his first marriage, from an excessive custody of which he felt like an unintentional child, for the second time chooses a woman with whom he has symmetrical comradely relations, or even a dependent woman counting on his protection and care, which will allow himmaintain a sense of maturity and a sense of responsibility. A woman who is married to an alcoholic wants to find a calm and non-drunk person for a second marriage, to which she will show exceptional affability and tolerance, if only he will cherish the family, home.
In these cases, situations that require the intervention of marital therapy are no longer those that occurred in the first marriage, but new ones, related to the specifics of the behavior of the partner.
Sometimes in the second marriage there is a problem associated with the difference in the behavior of the New Partner( in comparison with the previous one).Feelings and motivation can be ambivalent. For example, one of our patients said: "My second husband is a good man, quiet and gentle, such as I wanted. My first husband was rude and despotic, but it was a peasant. "
In the marriage of a widower with a widow, whose first marriage was calm and quite prosperous, sometimes there are subversive tendencies of comparing the second partner to the first. A living partner can not in any way hinder the idealization of the deceased. Memories and tactless references to the example of a deceased husband can cause tension and dissatisfaction. Such situations are more common in families where the mother brings her children from her first marriage with her. In the anamnesis of our neurotic patients, memories of the steps of the stepmother( or stepfather) are traced. In marital consultations with such problems are rarely encountered.
Crisis situations in the marriage
Plzak described two critical periods in the development of marital relations( Figure 4).Our clinical data confirm his conclusion.
The first critical period occurs between the 3rd and the 7th year of a married life and continues in the favorable case for about 1 year. Its origin is facilitated by already known factors: the disappearance of romantic moods, the active rejection of contrast in the partner's behavior during the period of falling in love and in everyday family life, the increase in the number of situations in which spouses find different views on things and can not come to an agreement, an increase in manifestations of negative emotions, Increased tension between partners due to frequent clashes. A crisis situation can arise even without the influence of any external factors that determine the household and economic situation of a married couple, without the intervention of parents, treason, or some pathological personality traits in one of the spouses. Undoubtedly, the presence of these factors accelerates the creation of a crisis situation and exacerbates it.
In a crisis situation, a growing sense of dissatisfaction, discrepancies in views, there is a silent protest, quarrels, a sense of deceit and reproaches. Plzak recommends in such cases to limit conversations related to marital relations, temporarily stop sexual intercourse, avoid manifestations of romantic love and a joint discussion of practical problems( for example, the upbringing of children).
Fig.4. Development of crises in family relations( according to Plzak).
It is better to focus the conversation on the professional interests of a partner, lead an open life, when each of the spouses does not abandon their interests and connections( has a circle of friends, etc.) than to demand from the partner of sociability.
The second crisis period occurs approximately between the 17th and 25th year of a joint life. This crisis is less deep than the first, it can last for 1 year or several years. Its appearance often coincides with the approach of the period of involution, with the increase of emotional instability, fears, the appearance of various somatic complaints, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children, the increasing emotional dependence of the wife, her experiences of rapid aging, and the possible aspiration of her husband to sexually manifest herselfon the side, "before it's too late."
At a certain level of satisfaction with marriage and in accordance with the duration of life together, the points are put, which then connect the curve, which allows you to see in the dynamics of changes in the degree of satisfaction and periods of onset of crises. In the column "calendar year", the year of marriage, the date of any significant events and the year of filling in the form are marked.
In this crisis, Plzak recommends programmed distraction of spouses from the problems of aging and involving them in various collective entertainments, which will require some external intervention, as they themselves, as a rule, can no longer take the initiative. A convenient form of such distraction is group tourism, supplemented by brief visits to friends and visits to cultural centers. If it's all about betrayal, do not over-dramatize the events, it's better to wait a little while the partner has an increased interest in extramarital affairs( the more often it ends).
To register the above critical periods, a map( form) was developed;in it, along the horizontal axis, there is the number of years lived together, and vertically the degree of satisfaction with marital relations( Figure 5).Such a card was filled with various people, healthy and neurotic.
Fig.5. The form of registration of the degree of satisfaction with marriage in dynamics.
Out of 300 neurotics( 110 men and 190 women) who have been married for at least 7 years, 12% had a first marriage crisis in the period from 3 to 7 years of marriage. In 31% of the remaining cases, the index of satisfaction with marriage fell to the zero mark, the deviation in the direction of dissatisfaction was noted in 43% of cases. In 16% of patients, a deep marital crisis occurred between the 8th and 12th year of joint life. A relatively quiet period was observed between the 13th and 16th year of joint life, when only 8% of couples had a deep marital crisis.
For 82 persons out of 300, the marriage duration was at least 17 years. For those we could trace, the curve of the degree of satisfaction with marriage decreases, reaching the second marriage crisis in the range of 17-25 years of living together. Reduction to the level of deep crisis was observed in 1 7% of married couples. In 22% of the pairs the decrease reaches zero. In 40% of the total number of married couples, neither in the first nor the second critical period did the index of satisfaction with marriage fall below the zero mark. In those couples who continued their joint life, the deviation at the first marital crisis was significantly less than the average in the group.
The above data do not indicate the inevitability of a critical situation, but confirm the existence of a predisposition to its occurrence and the appearance of dissatisfaction with marriage during critical periods marked by Plzak, to a great extent in the first period and to a lesser extent - in the second. The center of gravity of the first conjugal crisis shifts from the 3rd to the 6th year of conjugal life;it can last up to 9 years. Other factors, various external influences, can lead to the crisis. Some married couples note a gradual decrease in the satisfaction of marriage, others more clearly indicate the period of occurrence of pre-crisis situations, while others state a long period of satisfaction with marriage without a pronounced decline in it. The data given by us in neurotics are approximate;they should be compared with the results obtained in healthy people.
Based on the results of the analysis of the dynamics of marital relations, it is possible to sum up some results. First of all, it is necessary to bring the couple to the conclusion that the problems and crisis situations in the marital life have certain regularities underlying the conjugal relations, and one should not look for the fault for the created situation only in the behavior of one of the partners. These patterns must be known and taken into account, correcting their behavior in accordance with them. In a critical situation, first of all, it is necessary to show patience, to avoid reckless actions and decisions.
Explaining these provisions, it is necessary to give the patient( or both spouses) the above-described form on which they must build a curve reflecting the degree of satisfaction or dissatisfaction with their marital relations. If the obtained curve has at least some similarities with the typical Plzak curve, it is necessary to convince the spouses that in their case it is not a question of someone's individual fault, but a manifestation of a general pattern. At the same time, the Plzak classic curve can show patients optimistic tendencies in the development of marriage and lead them to believe that they need to wait a little, be patient and their relationship, as on the classical curve, will begin to improve.