Divorced parents
Is divorce necessary? Parents who intend to divorce often ask the doctor what is best for children: to divorce for the sake of preserving peace or to save the family, despite the strife? Of course, there can not be a single answer to this question. It all depends on the reason for the divorce and on whether the parents are able to resolve the differences.
It is true that when there is no agreement between the parents, everyone thinks that the other is to blame. But an outsider usually sees that it's not the fault of a husband or wife, but that each of them does not realize his behavior. In one case, each spouse subconsciously wants to be spoiled as a pampered child, instead of contributing to a strong relationship. In the other, the domineering spouse is unaware of how much she subordinates the other, and the one who is subordinate may be to blame for this. In case of infidelity very often the wrong spouse does not really fall in love with someone else, but seeks to escape from secret fear or subconsciously tries to force the other spouse to be jealous. If the husband, wife or both are willing to make an effort to save the marriage, an experienced psychiatrist, a social worker or a wise and tolerant priest can help them understand the reasons for their trouble.
Let the child remain faithful to both. The extent to which a divorce will deprive a child of a security consciousness depends on how this divorce is carried out. Once the parents have made a decision, the child must definitely talk about it. Children always suffer very much from family troubles, especially if they are kept secret. It is important that children understand: 1) although the parents leave, the children still belong to both of them and will always be able to see them regularly;2) you can not say that one parent is bad, and the other is good. This is the rule for parents to perform the hardest. So humanly think that the other is to blame, and want children to share your opinion. It's awful for a child to make sure that one of his parents is bad. A child in a divided family also needs faith in both parents, as well as in a happy one. But there is one more danger - even for the parent, who has dragged the child to his side. When a child reaches a certain age, usually a teenager, his feelings toward close people are undergoing changes, and then he can completely change his attitude and move on to the other side. In other words, each parent has more chances to preserve the child's love and respect, if the child is never forced to stand on someone's side.
How to explain to the child that a divorce is to be made? It all depends on the age of the child and what he wants to know. The mother of a small child can tell him: "Dad and I fight too much and fight like you and Peter Jenkins. Therefore, we decided that for the time being we better not live in the same house. But dad is your father, and I'm still your mother. "This explanation is at the level of a small child who knows well what quarrels and fights are. An older child will want to know more. I would answer his questions, but I would try not to blame anyone.
It's no shame to argue. Parents who have many disagreements often try to hide their arguments from children and even imagine that children do not notice anything. Of course, it's better to argue fiercely in the absence of children, but it's a mistake to believe that they do not notice the stress in the family. If the child suddenly finds the scene of a dispute, it is much better for the parents to accept humanly that they quarreled than suddenly stopped or strictly ordered the child to leave the room. The atmosphere will be defused if you recognize that disputes are one of the realities of life, that people can quarrel and at the same time continue to love and respect each other, that the quarrel does not mean the end of the world.
Arrange meetings for the sake of the child. How the meetings of the child with both parents will be organized depends on the circumstances. If parents live close to each other and if children spend most of their time with: their mother, they should visit their father on weekends and on holidays when he can spend time with them. Whether these visits will be held once a week or once a year is always better that they be regular, and it is very important that their father does not miss or postpone them.
The contract that a child spends six months a year with his mother, and six with his father, usually does not lead to anything good. This schedule interferes with school activities, separates for a long time from the second parent and creates in children the feeling that their life is arbitrarily split in two.
Error - meticulously ask the child what happened to him from another parent or scold this other parent. This only makes the child feel uncomfortable with both parents. In the end, the child may resent and dislike the suspicious parent.
In all cases, but especially if the parents can not agree on visits or if the child does not want to visit one of them, it is useful to consult a child psychiatrist about how best to organize a child's life, rather than fighting for custody of him, like dogs for bone.