Formulas for effective communication with the child
May 29, 2018
If you began to apply the principles of upbringing described in this article, your children should already understand that they will no longer manage you with whining.
But our goal is not to wean children, but to teach them to communicate calmly and respectfully. Agree, if the alienation between parents and the child is replaced by vagaries, the situation in the family will become even more tense. Our task is to replace disobedience with an open and respectful dialogue that will be useful to both adults and children.
It is parents who should show the children an example of calm and respectful communication.
To completely get rid of whining and whims, you must offer children a new way of communication. But remember that a child takes an example from his parents, so you, too, must work on yourself.
Treat all family members as friends or colleagues - calmly and respectfully. Remember that the relationship between parents has a huge impact on the formation of the child's personality.
Unfortunately, very few were lucky enough to grow up in a family where parents and children respected and loved each other. Native people often hurt each other. Some can afford words and deeds with their husbands( wives) or children that they would never allow in a relationship with an unfamiliar person.
How to change the relationship in the family? Start with a simple one - think about how you talk with other family members. There are three ways to interact with others who are in line with the principles of upbringing:
• aggressive( autocratic);
• passive( all-permitting);
• effective( democratic).
Many believe that it can be achieved only through aggression. They shout, demand, intimidate, order and insult. There are people who constantly behave this way, and those who resort to such methods only in extreme cases.
Everyone at least once broke in response to the whims or whining of children. If you analyze such cases, you will notice that nothing good has been achieved: the child either answered the same, or closed up and took revenge at the first opportunity.
The second ineffective principle of interaction with others is permissiveness. Those who adhere to it, can not insist on their own, take the initiative in their own hands and always find an excuse for this. In other words, such people allow themselves to rope themselves. They are not respected by either the husband( wife) or the children. Passive parents often resort to aggression when the child takes them out of themselves.
An effective( democratic) style of communication is based on self-esteem. You set the limits of what is permitted and determine how others should treat you. In doing so, you also respect others. Effective communication needs to be learned.
We offer two basic formulas for effective communication. First, you simply tell what you will do( or what you will not do) in case of disobedience. This formula is widely used to prevent the consequences of bad behavior. At the same time, you need to be brief, confident, speak with respectful tone and stay calm.
The second formula for effective communication is useful when you need to seriously talk with the child( or with any other person).
And now we will analyze various reactions to disobedience, for example, teenage girls:
Parents want to spend an evening together, go to a concert and a restaurant. Mom asks Christina, fifteen, to look after her younger sister until they are gone. The girl begins to whine and express her dissatisfaction in every possible way, so her parents hasten to leave as quickly as possible in order to avoid a quarrel. They are upset by what happened, the evening is ruined.
How do you think parents should react to Christie's behavior?
• Answer 1 • Passive approach
Mom promises: "If you sit with your sister, I'll buy you the dress that you wanted to wear at the prom."(Although parents have long decided that they spend too much on daughterly outfits.)
• Answer 2 • Aggressive approach of
Father screams: "You think only of yourself! My mother and I need to rest from you! "
• Answer 3 • Passive approach
Father calms the daughter:" We'll be back soon. After the concert, we wanted to go to the restaurant, but if you are against it, we will immediately go home. "
• Answer 4 • Aggressive approach of
Mom threatens: "You will arrange scenes - selling your computer."
• Answer 5 • Effective approach to
Parents leave without paying attention to the whining and discontent of their daughter. The next day they spend a serious conversation with Christie and explain how unpleasant impression their behavior made on them. Parents hope that she understood everything and next time will act sensibly, stressing: "Last night, when you began to whine in response to our request to look after your sister, we were very angry. We would like that in the future you would treat our requests with understanding. "
We hope that you will choose the fifth answer based on one of the effective communication formulas, as only it will help you create an atmosphere of mutual understanding and mutual assistance in the family. Why are we so sure?
The effective communication formulas will help you greatly improve the relationship between family members. But prepare to change behavior is not so easy.
First of all, remember that you have two tasks at once:
• Use the principles of consequences to stop nagging.
• Make sure that an open and respectful dialogue has come to replace the whining. Both parents and children should learn to talk with each other calmly, with love and care, even on the most problematic topics.
Using formulas of effective communication, you directly and in a respectful tone express your interlocutor your feelings, thoughts and attitudes. At first glance, everything is very simple, but in fact, be ready to make considerable efforts to implement the principles of effective communication.
The effective communication formulas are not only a valuable educational device. Applying them, you will teach children to be honest and open, express their feelings and desires. These formulas are based on the scientific work of Thomas Gordon. The examples given show how simple words can be used to discuss rather complex problems with a child.
The formula for effective communication
"When you, I feel
I would like to_
Fill in the blanks in the text:
"When you( describe the child's actions), I feel( describe my feelings), because( explain why the child's actions cause your feelings described).I would like,( describe the desired course of events, indicate your role and the role of the child). "
That's what my father can say to his son after he was sick and did not want to go to sleep:
"Jeremy, when you refuse to go to bed on time and start to whine, I feel irritated, because I want you to sleep well and easily get up in the morning. I would like you to go to bed on time and get up in the morning without any problems. "
All children go through a period when they need to check the limits of what is allowed and experience the patience of their parents. Even if your child does not roll up hysterics, you can prevent bad behavior, showing that you will not tolerate it.
Parents should discuss with the children in advance some questions and explain to them why it is impossible to offend other kids, insult them, foul, deceive. Teenagers should explain why you are against bad companies, what will happen if they come home after the appointed time or go where they are forbidden to go, why not smoke and drink alcohol.
Such questions should be discussed with the children in advance and explain what kind of behavior you expect from them and what consequences will result from disobedience. This is especially important if the family has teenagers, so parents need to learn how to communicate effectively.
Also do not forget that formulas for effective communication are only one way to convey your thoughts to the child's mind. Parents should remain calm, firm and respectful in tone regardless of the nature of the misconduct and the seriousness of the problem. You can start from a very early age, but effective communication formulas will help to establish mutual understanding even with older children.
When you begin to apply the principle of consequences with teenagers, be ready for loud protests, so carefully select the expressions and be laconic. Try to talk as little as possible and only on the topic, without raising your voice, without expressing discontent or ridiculeing the child. Let's consider the first case( there will be two in all) of applying effective communication formulas:
A father takes a ten-year-old Jennifer from school and they go to a stationery store to buy a paper for a task that the girl must pass the next day.
On the way to the store Jennifer asks to stop the car because she is very hungry and wants to buy ice cream. The father replies: "No" and explains that he promised his mother not to linger, because lunch is already ready, and in the evening she has an important meeting.
Jennifer begins to whine that now "will die of hunger" that she will puke if she immediately does not eat something, that "Mom would stop and buy ice cream."Previously, in such a situation, the father would start to resent, justify why he can not stop to buy ice cream. But now the father behaves differently-applies the principles of effective communication.
"Jennifer, you behave in such a way that I have nothing left but to go home at once," - with these words, the father turns the car and heads home.
Jennifer begins to cry and stamp feet. She screams that tomorrow she will not be able to attend classes with an unfulfilled assignment. Father does not pay any attention to this, he already told his daughter about the consequences of her behavior in a calm and respectful tone. There is nothing more to add to it.
You, of course, are tormented by completely natural doubts. This is understandable, because all parents want their children to study well. Therefore, in such a situation, you are torn between the desire to teach the child to be responsible for his actions and the desire to save him from the consequences of manifested irresponsibility. But think about how he will learn to be independent and fulfill his obligations, if he keeps hoping for a magic wand-a rescue-the support of his mother and father?
Also remember that in education you must be consistent. It is impossible to maintain a firm position at the same time and give way where it concerns the school. This will not be of use to anyone. You should remain firm, and the child must learn to think about the consequences of his actions. Believe that when faced with such a response several times, the child will learn that it is not the parents, but he himself is responsible for his actions.
In the example above, the father is concerned that Jennifer thinks only of himself, and decides to talk about it with his daughter. He does not want to exchange accusations or go on shouting, that's why he thinks out his words beforehand using formulas of effective communication. Father begins talking with his daughter after dinner, when they both calmed down and had time to think about what happened. He walks into Jennifer's room and says:
"Jennifer, when you started crying and whining on my way to the store, I was disappointed and irritated by your behavior, because you do not appreciate what I'm doing for you. I would like us to help each other and be grateful for what others are doing for us. "
The majority of children, to the surprise of their parents, react absolutely adequately to appealing to them in a calm and respectful tone, without reproaches, criticism and intimidation. You just need to say what was wrong, and ask you to behave differently in the future. In this case, parents express confidence that the next time the child will behave better, and this is very important. Children need to be made to feel that their parents expect good, intelligent actions from them.
Again, the remarks should be expressed in a calm and respectful tone, without intimidation and screaming, which negates the entire positive effect of your efforts. Remember: "effective" and "aggressive" are two completely different styles of communication. The purpose of your conversation with the child is to be listened to and carefully understood, and this is possible only if you address the interlocutor with respect.
If the child does not perceive your treatment, begins to argue or shifts to accusations, take a neutral stance and exit the room. You must remain calm and firm, do not roll your eyes, sigh heavily, get angry or intimidate the child.
Showing your annoyance and anger, you sink to the level of a moody child. If you pay him the same coin, then let the vagaries grow into a real hysterics, when reasonable arguments are useless and powerless.
You, as parents, should first of all learn how to control their emotions. This is the only way to teach your children to communicate without whining, insults, screaming and intimidation. This is the only way to overcome their bad behavior. Remember: children take an example from their parents.
Without giving in to manipulation and without entering into quarrels, you teach the child to respect himself and others.
It is important to realize that children can not become polite and obedient on their own. But if they see a positive example, then sooner or later they will follow it. Stay true to the ideas outlined in this article, and be prepared to follow them without even getting immediate results.
It is necessary to learn respectful communication for everyone, because it helps strengthen relations in the family. Once again, we emphasize the positive aspects of respectful communication:
• Firstly, parents can model educational situations and explain to the child what kind of behavior they expect from him;
• Secondly, with the help of respectful communication, parents can cope with bad behavior and not allow nagging to develop into hysterics.
Many believe that effective communication formulas only work for older children who understand what they are told, but do not forget that facial expressions and gestures are effective means of non-verbal communication. Even the smallest child in your behavior is able to understand that he did not do well. Children react to the tone of your voice, although they do not understand the meaning of all the words you say. Beginning at a very young age, you prepare the ground for mutual understanding in the future, when children grow up and understand the meaning of each of your words.
Mistakenly believing that until a certain age the child does not understand anything, and postponing his upbringing, you are doing yourself a disservice to yourself. The child gets used to everything that is allowed to him, so later it will be very difficult for you to get him to change his behavior.
Education does not begin at the age of five, or even from three, but from the age when the child is able to trace the relationship of his actions to the consequences that they cause. The effective communication formulas work even for the youngest children, helping to lay the foundation for further mutual understanding and mutual respect.
We get irritated and creak our teeth when our attempts to control children in everything do not help us find a common language with them. We forget that as parents we can and must work on ourselves, learn, master new methods of education, such as formulas for effective communication. Only in this way will we be able to teach children to respect themselves and others, become full members of the family and society.
Formulas for effective communication need to learn. Misunderstanding and conflicts between parents and children is the result of an incorrectly chosen style of behavior.
Remember that family relationships are the standard for the child. The attitude of children towards peers and adults in the kindergarten or school is a reflection of family relations. They treat friends and caregivers as they are used to treating their family members.
Therefore, creating an atmosphere of mutual understanding and mutual assistance in the family, you make life easier for yourself and your child both inside the family and outside it. The methods described in this article will also help to establish relationships in any adult team.
And now consider the second case of applying effective communication formulas. Every father and mother every once in a difficult situation, which can and should be corrected using formulas for effective communication.
In the morning on Saturday thirteen-year-old Jody is going to go shopping with friends. Carol, her mother, reminds her daughter that she needs to help her around the house and clean her room.
Jody begins to whine and whine that her friends are just let go of the walk and do not put any conditions. She promises her mother that she will clean her room in the evening and help her around the house.
Carol is annoyed. On Saturday, she has a lot of household chores that accumulated during the working week. And then my daughter does not want to help. At first, Carol tries not to pay attention to whining and does her own business.
Jody follows her closely and continues to whine. Soon, nagging grows into demands and reproaches."It's not fair! The girl cries.- Why should I do housework if I want to walk? And anyway, why should I do all the housework? ! "Jody's final phrase hits the target exactly, and Carol gets mad.
"Of course, Jody, it's you doing everything around the house," Carol says indignantly."And I'm messing around!"
Sarcasm, uttered in the words of the mother, only adds fuel to the fire. Carol expected her remark to sober up her daughter, but it turned out the other way around. Jodi starts screaming and complaining even louder. A prolonged quarrel brought Carol only a sense of powerlessness and the realization that she had not raised her daughter well. She already agrees to do all the homework herself, just to not hear more whining and accusations of her daughter.
"Okay, you can go," Carol says wearily. The battle is lost.
Jody quickly assembles and goes to friends. Carol cancel plans for the evening, because now she needs to do the work also for Jody. That's what his mother achieved by succumbing to the demands of a wayward daughter.
Jody has learned that with the help of whining and whims, you can easily control other people. Carol is bitter at the fact that her daughter does not count with her at all. She is offended, because today she will have to do all the homework herself. In her heart of hearts, she realizes that if this continues, Jody will never learn to be responsible, respect, and help others.
Carol lacks self-confidence and self-esteem. She should not have succumbed to whining and whims of her daughter. If Carol was firm and persistent, she would not have to take on additional work.
Instead of succumbing to the whims of the daughter, the mother could continue to do her own business. Even if Jody makes a real scandal and starts slamming the door, Carol should not have paid attention to her. Sooner or later Jody will die out, see that such "tricks" do not pass, and calm down.
Carol, of course, should respond to the vagaries of his daughter, and the best answer will be the formulas for effective communication. To do this, you need to choose the time when the storm will calm down and everyone will calm down. For example, the next morning after the incident, Carol can address Jodi with these words:
"Jodi, when you say you do everything around the house and that I'm unfair to you, then I feel irritated, because you act like the rest of youmembers of our family do nothing. I would like you to talk to me in a more respectful tone. "
The same can be expressed in another way:
"Jodi, when you said yesterday that you are doing everything around the house and that I'm unfair to you, then I felt angry, because with such words you tried to make me feel guilty andto force you to yield. I would like you to think before you say something and do your job yourself. "
Both statements are the same in efficiency. No more words to add. In this situation, Carol showed by her own example( and therefore, taught) what kind of relationship in the family she expects. The mother expressed her displeasure with her behavior in a calm and respectful tone.
Carol opened her daughter's door to a new, respectful and positive communication. It is possible that Jody will follow the example of the mother and the conversation will continue, but in a completely different direction. If the girl takes a step towards and addresses her calmly, with respect, then this will be the beginning of a completely new stage in their relationship. Now mother and daughter can calmly and openly, without irritation, screams and accusations, be able to discuss any problems that worry them.
Believe me, children do not like to quarrel with their mother and father, they just do not know how to attract attention and express themselves in a different way. Wise parents should show the child positive ways to benefit the family and be a full member of it. These important skills will help them in later life.
If Carol is consistent and persistent, if she continues to communicate with her daughter in a calm and respectful tone, without dropping to the level of a moody child, sooner or later Jody will change his behavior. Seeing the changes in the behavior of my mother, my daughter will change herself. Parents should remember that they are an example for their children. Formulas of effective communication will help you to correct the behavior of the child and send it to a positive channel.
Children want to be like their parents, even if they do not recognize or deny it. The words and behavior of adults are a kind of reference point for children. Mom and Dad are the first adults with whom children begin to communicate. They idealize parents, try to imitate them. Therefore, our words and actions in response to what is happening have a much greater impact on children than we think.
Our behavior shows us from an early age how children should behave in this world. Unfortunately, many parents do not realize what a great responsibility this is. Everyone has models for imitation, and the first and most important are precisely Mom and Dad.
Parents should be fully aware of the impact that they have on their children, especially adolescents. At this age, children are especially zealously trying to prove to their mother and father that they are already almost adults and do not need advice and education. In fact, adolescence is one of the most difficult life periods when hundreds of problems arise in front of children, requiring complex decisions. It is at this age that children need parental advice and help more than ever.
Maturity is the most valuable quality of adults that children do not have. Parents should build relationships in the family calmly and judiciously so that children can learn from their example.
Do not forget that for education, even the words that family members use in communication with each other are important. Rudeness, abuse and cries are no less dangerous for children than corporal punishment.
Pay attention to the tone of both statements Carol. She does not criticize or ridicule her daughter, but calmly tells her about her feelings and experiences, without using emotionally colored words that could resume the quarrel.
Do not say
• "You are ill-bred and ungrateful!"
• "How could I raise such a child!"
• "You already got me with your whining!"
• "Why can not you behave yourself like youbrother? "
•" Do whatever you want, you still never listen to me. "
• "Shut up now, or you'll stay at home!"
• "If you had thought about your family for a while, you would not have done it."
• "Egoist! You only think about yourself! "
Agree, when we are being chastised, we do not perceive the words themselves, but the tone with which they are uttered. We listen, but do not hear the interlocutor. And then we begin to be angry and defensive, rude and insulting other people. As a result, a serious quarrel flares up, which will not be so easy to stop.
There is only one way out: you need to learn how to communicate differently, in a new way and teach your children this. Remember: children are the reflection of parents. Therefore, if you want them to behave better, first change yourself.
It is important that parents do not allow the conflict to flare up. Learn to extinguish it at the very beginning, then no one will make mistakes and will not say rudeness, for which then it will be a shame. Moreover, both you and the children will have time to calm down and think about the situation. You need to learn to restrain emotions so that they do not interfere with you to understand their feelings and correctly formulate the main idea. Parents should talk with children so that they are heard and understood. Only in this way can mom and dad become good teachers, able to explain to children important concepts and values, even in the most difficult conditions, and teach them their responsibilities.
The effective communication formulas will help you to establish an open and respectful dialogue with your children. You will be pleasantly surprised to see that the calm tone and the absence of emotionally colored words aroused in the child the desire to talk with you heart to heart. It is known that good friends have enough open, confidential conversation to solve any problem. Ideally, the same relationship should be between parents and children.
Frankly talking with the child on a variety of topics, you thus, as it were, gently explain to him what you expect from him the same. Any problem can be solved without anger, cruelty and insults. Children will take a new approach as an opportunity to talk openly with you on topics of concern to them. Formulas for effective communication will help restore confidence between parents and the child, and this will be a turning point in family relations.
If on all your attempts to establish relationships with children you meet misunderstanding, do not lose patience, keep acting and do not focus on childish stubbornness. By such behavior you will show the child that from now on you will not react to his bad behavior and enter into empty arguments.
Your task is to create in the family a trusting relationship that has open conversations.
The purpose of our approach is not to let the parents win a dispute with the child at all costs, even if this negatively affects his self-esteem, making him feel guilty about doubting his parental love. Therefore it is important to formulate your idea and bring it to the child at the right moment, when you both calm down and thought. Your task is to express your feelings and wishes with respect to the child and to yourself. Children want to know what is important and interesting for you, than you live. Do not deprive them of this opportunity, do not scare away with screaming and insults only because you have a bad mood, you are tired or irritated.
We need to help the child understand that a word can seriously hurt a person. Build relationships should be with kindness and patience - because anger and irritation have never been good. To change the atmosphere in the family, learn to treat each other with respect and care.
The more parents deal with parenting issues, the better they understand that it is impossible to establish warm, trusting relationships with children if they constantly try to control them, command them, ridicule them or, on the contrary, fulfill every whim. The only way to influence a child is to establish a trusting relationship with him based on mutual respect. To do this, we must first abandon the desire to control the child in everything or "redo" it. Instead, you need to learn to control your own reactions to the actions of others. Control yourself, not your children, is the only way to change yourself and create an open, warm, friendly relationship in the family, when everyone feels like a full-fledged person deserving respect and love.
Formulas of effective communication will help to change relations in the family both at the surface and at the deep level. They teach all members of the family to demonstrate their strength and importance, while not humiliating others. With their help, everyone can frankly talk about what is important for him, without feeling uncomfortable. In a calm and respectful tone, you give the children a positive message: "I love and respect you. I want you to understand my feelings, because you are a very important person for me. "
Such changes will bring a lot of positive moments, in particular, children will learn how to express their feelings and wishes without whining and whims. They will understand that there are effective and positive ways of communication that help to achieve the desired.
Positive communication does not mean that children will always receive what they want, but it helps create an atmosphere of mutual understanding and support in the family. It is very important for a child to know that he will always be listened to attentively, his opinion is considered, he is respected and loved. For him, this is much more important than just getting what you want, no matter what.
Plus, the skills of positive communication, which the child has acquired in the family, will help him and beyond. Remember: respectful and positive communication is the basis of any long-term relationship. How many families could be saved from disintegration, if the spouses could listen and respect each other! This should be taught from the very childhood, creating a warm and trustful relationship in the family.
Positive communication also teaches parents and children to correctly express their discontent. Do not consider our recommendations as a magic tool, thanks to which you will never again be angry with children, and they - on you. The feeling of anger is an integral part of human nature, as well as love, compassion and tenderness.
In the future, the ability to positively and respectfully communicate with others will bring children more joy than the ability to always get what they want and insist on their own.
Anger is dangerous because it can be expressed in words and actions that can seriously hurt others. Many are accustomed to justify their quick temper and inability to control themselves, for example: "I do not know what came over me," "I lost control," "I just broke."
In this situation, correct behavior helps to choose the principles of positive communication. You need to take a deep breath and try to express experiences in the formula of effective communication: "When you say or do this and that, I feel. .." and so on. If the parents speak or act without restraining their anger, they thereby show the children that it is permissible to be angry and to swear, but one can not think of feelings.
The worst thing is that bad behavior and nagging can become a habit and that children simply do not know how to achieve the desired in a different way. Do not forget that both children and adults are whining because this is the most effective way they know how to get what they want. Natives are not born, they become as a result of incorrect education.
With positive communication, we talk about our feelings, instead of acting under their influence. Irrelevant words, slaps and slaps caused by anger and irritation, reduce self-esteem, create an atmosphere of fear and cause a desire to take revenge. No sane parent would want this to his child.
Our goal is to learn how to talk about what makes us angry, calm, not being irritated or losing our self-control. Anger can not pass by itself, but if we reason calmly, it will gradually weaken and we will be able to determine what it was caused by. Therefore, it is very important to teach children to cope with their anger, without harming themselves or others.
If a child does not teach this as a child, he will become an embittered, difficult teenager, and in the future - adults with different destructive inclinations.
The following example shows how the relationship between a teenager and parents can worsen:
Mike is thirteen years old, and he wants to go to a rock concert with a company of new friends. But the parents are against, because they are not yet acquainted with these friends of the son.
Mike was offended and angered at his mother and father, he believes that they "do not trust him" and "treat him like a little one."The boy is exactly at the age when you really want to grow up and taste all the delights of adulthood.
Mike's parents are worried, and they can be understood: a teenage son has entered a transition period between childhood and maturity, he is in for a lot of changes and difficulties. They want that before they plunge into the adult world with their heads, the son learns how to weigh his decisions and answer for them, act thoughtfully and without haste.
Hearing a refusal, Mike begins to whine, as in his childhood. Previously, with persistent whining, he could achieve everything he wanted, playing on a parental sense of guilt and secretly doubting their abilities.
Mike remembers how Mom and Dad allowed the older sister to stay overnight with a girlfriend, although she was then less than he is now. He thinks his parents do not trust him, and he wants to know the reason for the refusal: "Why can not I go to a concertwith friends? Why? "He whines.
The father loses his composure. The son's reeling always made him angry, and his own inability to cope with anger and irritation resulted in a lack of confidence in his parental abilities. He feels that if he behaved differently, then Mike would not roll up the hysterics right now. Feeling of guilt and uncertainty are quickly replaced by anger, and the father yells in response: "You will not go anywhere, because we have decided so! And everything! "
Mike looks at his parents from under his brows and loud enough for them to hear, mumbling that he is already tired of this attitude: the oldest sister is allowed everything, and they treat him like a small one.
Seeing that my father does not control himself, my mother is trying to restore peace. Son and father often quarrel and swear, and their constant quarrel is hard for all family members.
She tries to explain to Mike that when his sister slept with a girlfriend, the situation was completely different. The girls were friends for more than a year, there were parents in the house who looked after them. Moreover, they knew their girlfriend's parents well.
But Mike misses all these explanations by ears. He does not want to listen, that the situation was completely unlike his situation, and does not even allow the thought that parents can be right.
Mom is torn between the desire that Mike stay at home, and the desire to "hush up" the quarrel between the husband and son. As a result, she takes the habitual "inferior" position, trying not to offend anyone.
Like the father, the mother doubts her parental abilities. Perhaps Mike is right and they really restrict his freedom too much to keep his son near him longer. Maybe, you should not forbid him what his parents allow his friends.
The mother with anxiety thinks about what will happen in a few years, when the son grows up and she and her husband will become even more difficult to communicate with him. How then it will be possible to explain to the boy what is possible, and what is impossible? Fear of insecurity embraces her.
At the same time, the mother feels that her father is about to explode again, and this, too, does not add to her confidence. The woman knows: she must do something to prevent scandal.
Mike looks forward to winning. Such scenes are familiar to him. He behaves this way not because he is a bad child, but because he knows what he wants and how to achieve it. With the help of whining and vagaries, the son runs his parents to get to the concert with friends.
Mom is ready to give in and say: "Okay, you can go, but only if you promise to behave well and do not stay late."
Mike knows that in any case he will achieve his goal. You just need to ponet longer, cause a sense of guilt in your parents. At last, as he had expected, the father broke off, and my mother was ready to give in. Now you can safely go to the concert. Mike does not care that he spoiled his parents mood, and the scandal started in order to show everyone in the family their importance.
Mike does not know how to sympathize, so he does not care about the experiences of his parents. He will not hear their quarrel after his departure and will not feel the tension that will reign in the family, do not know how parents will survive, waiting for him to return from the concert.
Such conflicts of irritation, frustration and fear will be repeated all the time if the boy's parents do not find an effective way to solve them and do not realize their role as mentors who should not only take care of the child being shod, clothed and fed, but alsoeducate him.
Outbursts of anger and bouts of permissiveness only fuel disobedience. In the described case, problems with the son of the parents appeared when he was still very small, and now, to adolescence, they are taking on alarming proportions.
Ideally, parents should have prevented this behavior of Mike in the earliest childhood. The educational method "cause-effect" is understandable even for a one-year-old child. If parents began to educate at an early age, then by the age of thirteen the boy would have firmly known that if he begins to whine and be naughty, the answer will always be "no."Parents had to give their son to understand that bad behavior would not help him get what he wanted. On the contrary, if the boy begins to whimper, Mom and Dad refuse to go to meet him, something to allow or explain.
It is very important that children understand as early as possible that they will not always agree with the decisions of their parents, but the warm and respectful relations established in the family will help to understand and accept them.
If parents acted reasonably and were more confident in themselves, then Mike would have realized long ago that there are more effective and, most importantly, positive ways of communicating with others. He could otherwise start an important conversation for him, convincingly formulate his request, calmly and civilizedly, without scandals and shouting to express disagreement with his parents.
Mike would also learn to listen carefully to parents and respect their decisions, as well as trusting adults, since they always act in his interests.
The fact is that Mike's parents did not reach an understanding with their son and did not lay the foundation for a respectful attitude towards them. But do not despair, you need to start correcting mistakes as soon as possible. It begins with the establishment of links "cause-effect" and with a change in the style of relations in the family.
In the event that Mike's parents adhered to the principles outlined in this article, the situation described above would look quite different.
Mike asks parents to go to a rock concert with friends. Father refuses and calmly explains: "Mike, I understand that you are upset, but my mother and I can not let you go to the concert. We need to get to know your new friends before letting you stay in their company late at night. "
Note: the father explains his decision to the son( if you remember, we think that in the educational reception "cause - effect" it is not necessary to do this), because Mike addressed his parents calmly, without whining and whims. In such a situation, the father should not just ban, but explain to his son why he took such a decision. If after that the child begins to cry and whine, then the parents should stop any explanations and pay no attention to his bad behavior.
Mom and Dad Mike believe that the son is not old enough to go to a rock concert with his new friends, whom they have not met yet. Parents may doubt the correctness of the decision, but this does not change the essence - they are the main ones in the family, love their children and want for them only the best.
Parents are ready to take responsibility for decisions, because their children need advice, patience and love. Only when the child has such an example before himself will he grow up to be a responsible person.
Mike starts whining and crying, trying to get his parents out of balance, make them feel guilty. He tries to reverse the situation, accusing Mom and Dad of treating him like a child, and complaining that his older sister was allowed at his age much more.
Parents watch TV, not paying attention to the indignation and reproaches of his son. After a while, Mike concedes and leaves for his room. He failed to shake the parents' confidence in the correctness of the decision they made, but at the same time they are worried about the situation. They want to communicate with their son calmly and without scandals.
The next day, the father talks with his son about yesterday's incident, using formulas for effective communication. He says, "Mike, when you got angry yesterday and started yelling at me and my mom, because we did not let you go to the concert, I was angry too, because I realized you were clearly trying to get us out of yourself and make you change your mind. At the same time, of course, you did not think how bad and ashamed for you. I would like you to respect me and my mother from now on. We love you and we want our relations to become warmer and more trustful. "
All this father says in a calm tone and only once. He said everything he considered necessary, and is not going to discuss the correctness or the reasons for the decision. The father talks with his son in a respectful tone and does not add anything superfluous.
In matters of education, parents should act together. They should, by their own example, show the child what kind of behavior and attitude to their demands are expected of him. Supporting each other in the decisions made, parents give the child to understand that he can not obtain the consent of one of them. Of course, the relationship between Mike and his parents will not change overnight, but if the mother and father are consistent, then in the course of time the son's behavior will change for the better and all members of the family will benefit from this.
Parents should believe in their strengths and work primarily on themselves, so that relations in the family improve. Hardness and consistency, the establishment of cause-effect relationships and formulas for effective communication will help to achieve mutual understanding in the family and discuss important issues without reproach and tension.
Children try to behave differently, trying to find their place in the family. They can resort to physical force, be evil and vindictive in order to attract attention to themselves and make sure of their own worth. Causing anger and irritation of parents, the child feels strong - because he can force an adult to lose control of himself.
How can we teach children to affirm themselves positively, without harming close people? How can adults help them cope with this difficult task?