Consistency in the upbringing of children

The main thing in education is consistency. Choose one of the educational techniques and apply it every time the child begins to be capricious. Do not frighten children with empty threats, stop saying: "Once again do so, and I. ..", and then give up and give in.

Children very quickly stop listening to their parents, because they often frighten them with empty threats, instead of going to the action. As a result, children cease to take seriously what their parents tell them. They know that mom or dad will scream, parrot and do nothing. By their misconduct, parents show the children that whining and whims are the best way to achieve what they want.

But if you are determined to change educational methods and act according to the "cause-effect" scheme, you will soon see for yourself that disobedience and nagging can be thwarted. Be patient and consistent;Your reaction to disobedience should be the same in any situation. Then in a few days or weeks you will notice a change for the better.

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The "cause-effect" scheme helps to cope even with the most unbearable children. But if the child is very stubborn and naughty, it will take more time and perseverance. So be prepared for this - keep calm and endurance And positive changes will not keep you waiting!

Act calmly and confidently, use as few words as possible.

Your actions should look like a result of disobedience, and not as punishment.

No need to remind, persuade, irritate and read lectures.

Do not frighten your child with empty threats, but act. If you need to comment on the actions, then do it in a firm and respectful tone. Warn the child about what will be your reaction to whining, and act as promised.

In order for a child to understand that whining does not lead to anything good, you may have to leave the cafe several times at the very beginning of a family dinner. Gradually the kid will understand that nagging no longer works and that if he behaves badly, he will stay at home, instead of eating ice cream in a cafe or going to the park.

Many parents believe that if you do not read the child's notation, then the educational impact will not be achieved. Indeed, it is often difficult to abandon morals and give the child the opportunity to draw conclusions from the current situation. At the same time, this approach is the most correct one.

Children just waiting for you to explain and justify their actions. After all, in this case, you certainly begin to get angry and nervous, which means you can surrender and give way. Do not give in to provocation!

Explaining the obvious consequences is an indicator of the weakness of the parents, their uncertainty about the decision. Keep your spirit firm and calm! You are doing the right thing because you act from a position of respect for yourself and your child.

And now we will analyze the following situation.

The Johnson family sits in a small restaurant. Ten-year-old Justin wants to order a steak. Parents do not mind, but the dish is very expensive.

The waiter brings the menu, and parents explain to the children that everyone can place an order for a certain amount. Mom and Dad offer Justin to choose something else, since if he orders a steak, they will not invest in the amount they planned to spend for lunch.

Justin starts whining: "Well, please, I really want to order a steak. I promise I will not ask for dessert. "Parents do not allow, and then the son goes to the accusations: "You constantly deprive me. Not so much I ask. "

Mom and Dad are ashamed of their son, they are humiliated and irritated.

Parents of the autocratic type, accustomed to ensuring that children in all of them obeyed, would say something like:

• "You will not go anywhere with us any more!";

• "If you do not shut up right away, I'll make you a good swag at home!";

• "How dare you behave this way!";

• "You are no longer small, behave as you should!";

• "If I said this to my parents, I would get a slap in the face, and you'll earn it now."

Such threats do not yield any results. It's just amazing that most parents do not understand this and continue to bully the child, threatening to use force.

Moreover, they humiliate themselves and humiliate the child. Children at the same time continue to whine and misbehave, because they know that the threats will not follow. If it was otherwise, whining would cease immediately. Parents, carried away by inventing threats more terrible, do not notice that their educational methods are ineffective.

If the Johnsons adhered to the principles of permissiveness, that is, they would try to "please" the child, they would try to persuade Justin to behave decently and eventually agree to order the steak with a boy, accompanying it, for example, with these words:

• "You can order a steak,if you promise to behave yourself well ";

• "Well, please be clever, do not make a scene";

• "Ok, order a steak, I'll take myself just a salad."

You can object: "What's wrong with a boy ordering a steak?" Think about it. The family goes to lunch, a certain amount from the family budget is allocated for this. All family members should try to make an order so as not to exceed it. This is true. Thus, you teach children to compare desires and opportunities, as well as think not only about themselves, but also about other members of the family.

If you cede Justin's requirements, he will never learn to think about others and respect the rest of the family. Parents warned the children in advance that they can spend only a certain amount of money on visiting the restaurant. Justin acts selfishly, thinking only of himself and of what he wants, and not taking into account the possibilities of others.

You also need to pay attention to the tone that Justin talks to his parents, and the expressions he chooses. If you yield to him, the boy will continue to whine, accusing Mom and Dad of everything. But in the future the problems will become much more significant. If you give slack in the small, the child will begin to demand more and insist that all his desires should be fulfilled immediately.

Over the years, irritation, misunderstanding, anger and disrespect will accumulate, and gradually parents feel completely helpless, because they do not know how to communicate with their own children. Therefore, start re-education immediately. It's never too late to start. You can change everything, regardless of the age of the child and his experience as a whiner. Of course, the most difficult for parents to change: to revise their approaches to education, to move from an autocratic style of education or permissiveness to a democratic one. And if you need to re-educate a teenager, then you will have to be even more judicious and consistent in your decisions.

Parents who really want to improve their relationships with children need to be patient and follow our recommendations, even in the most difficult situations. Prepare for the children to accept the change in hostility, and stay calm. After a while they realize your rightness and feel that you treat them with respect. The older the children, the longer the re-education process takes, because they are used to whining and misbehaving. Take your time, note even small successes, steps in the right direction, and soon you will notice that the child has changed - began to treat others with respect, think not only about himself, but also about others.

Consider: if a child is rude to members of his family and manipulates them with whining, what kind of person will he become when he grows up and teach his own children.

Parents should think about the future and anticipate problems that may arise from seemingly trifling concessions( for example, a steak).To properly educate children, you need to be able to analyze the situation and see the long-term effect of actions.

There are several ways to stop nagging a child, develop a sense of responsibility in it, and also instill the habit of thinking not only about yourself, but about others.

As Justin begins to complain in a noisy tone that he is not allowed to order a steak, both parents should get up from the table, tell the waiter to leave( not focusing on Justin's behavior) and calmly, confidently, explain to everyone sitting at the table: "We are going home. Justin shows by his behavior that it's time for us to leave. Let's try to visit the restaurant next week. "

Pay special attention to words that should be spoken calmly and confidently. As a result, responsibility for a spoiled family dinner falls entirely on Justin's shoulders, because it really is his fault.

If parents start to chastise their son or show their annoyance and discontent, then the educational moment will be missed. Moreover, in this case the boy will never understand that it was he who, by his behavior, forced everyone to leave the restaurant. By their incorrect reaction, parents will shift the emphasis from the son's bad behavior to his own irritation.

It is only necessary for the parents to say: "We are ashamed of you, now everyone will have to leave, because your vagaries are already sitting in our liver" - and the emphasis is immediately shifted. It turns out that the family dinner was spoiled by imperious and autocratic parents, because they forced everyone to get up from the table and leave. In fact, Justin is guilty, and only he is responsible for everything.

The only thing that mom and dad achieved in this situation is a demonstration of strength. Yes, they can get everyone to get up from the table and leave, but in this case the educational moment will not work and nobody, including Justin, will understand the meaning of such actions.

Parents should take nagging or bad behavior as an educational opportunity. If mom and dad always will remember this, they will not succumb to the temptation to yield to persuasion or simply demonstrate their power.

How not to say

• "Well wait, here we go home. .."

• "Why do you always think only of yourself?"

• "Why can not you behave well, like your sister?"

• "Morewith me in the cafe you will not go! "

•" You ruined the whole evening! "

•" Why are you behaving this way with me? !What have I done to you? "

It is very important not to shift the main accent, it must remain on bad behavior. From your words the child must understand that he himself made a choice in favor of bad behavior, and this led to predictable consequences. To all this you have a very indirect relationship, namely - just take everyone home. Let the rest of the evening the child think about his behavior, and not revel in resentment because you did not allow him to order a steak.

If Justin could respect the request of his parents, the whole family would have enjoyed spending time at dinner. Just because it did not happen and everyone was forced to go home, Justin is guilty, and only him.

Believe, in this example, not only the culprit learns, but all the other children in the family. Remember: you must teach them to think not only about themselves, but about others.

There are several ways to stop nagging a child, develop a sense of responsibility in it, and also to instill the habit of thinking not only about yourself, but about others.

As Justin begins to complain in a noisy tone that he is not allowed to order a steak, both parents should get up from the table, tell the waiter that they need to leave( not focusing on Justin's behavior) and calmly, confidently, explain to everyone sitting at the table: "We are going home. Justin shows by his behavior that it's time for us to leave. Let's try to visit the restaurant next week. "

Pay special attention to words that should be spoken calmly and confidently. As a result, the responsibility for a spoiled family dinner falls entirely on Justin's shoulders, because it really is his fault.

It is only for parents to say: "We are ashamed of you, now everyone will have to leave, because your vagaries are already in our liver," and the emphasis is immediately shifted. It turns out that the family dinner was spoiled by imperious and autocratic parents, because they forced everyone to get up from the table and leave. In fact, Justin is guilty, and only he is responsible for everything.

How not to say

• "Well, wait, here we go home. .."

• "Why do you always think only of yourself?"

• "Why can not you behave well as your sister?"

• "You can not go to the cafe with me anymore!"

• "You ruined the whole evening!"

• "Why are you behaving this way with me? !What have I done to you? "

Believe, in this example, not only the culprit learns, but all the other children in the family. Remember: you must teach them to think not only about themselves, but about others.

Your children or friends, with whom you will discuss educational methods, can say that it is unfair to deprive all a pleasant evening because of one culprit. You can answer that you do not see another way to convey to children the understanding that their behavior affects others.

Another important message is made in the words "Let's try to visit the restaurant next week".Thus, parents express confidence that the child will change his behavior and improve. Next week he will have the opportunity to show it.

Consider the importance of these simple words. Parents respect the child and believe that he can become better. Such a positive message is very important for children. The child should know that he has the opportunity to improve - this is one of the foundations of a democratic approach to education.

Again, if a child does not respect close people, members of his family, then how will he build relationships with others?

Consider how this approach is more effective than intimidation( "You'll never go to the cafe with me again").After all, you yourself know perfectly well that this is an empty threat that you are not going to fulfill. On such phrases, which do not give any result, an educational process has been built in modern society. It's time to act differently.

There is another way to deal with whims, though less effective than the one we described. If you feel uncomfortable because you need to take a crying child in an armful and leave the cafe, then try not to react to nagging.

Talk with your spouse and other children about anything, but not about the bad behavior of the offender. When a waiter approaches you, offer the child a choice of two dishes within the allocated budget, and if he refuses to choose, then do it for him. All actions must be carried out quietly and without further ado.

For example, you offer: "Justin, what do you want: a hamburger or a beef sandwich?" In response, the boy declares that he does not want anything. You ignore his remark and order a hamburger. In this case, the child understands: because of his vagaries, he lost the opportunity to choose. This approach works best with young children. But if you start doing this way as early as possible, then you will not have to endure the vagaries of a ten-year-old child.

If the child refuses to choose from the dishes that you offer him, you can not order anything at all. In this case, events can develop according to one of two scenarios.

Scenario one. It is possible that Justin will get hungry and soon realize that he made a mistake. Realizing that he really wants to dine with everyone, and not make a scandal, the child should politely( pay special attention to the tone) ask parents to order him something. In this case, you can give your child another chance to improve.

As soon as Justin stops whining, parents will try to give him another opportunity to make an order and join the family. However, this is exactly the case when adults must show firmness and consistency. If they now surrender to Justin, it will only strengthen his confidence that whining remains unpunished and that with others one can not reckon. The child will learn: nagging can lead to adverse consequences for him, but they are easy to avoid.

That's why it's best to leave the cafe immediately. This is the optimal and the right decision. Agree, there is little pleasure in eating at the same table with a whining and whining child.

Scenario two. Justin is still aching and capricious. All sitting at the table continue to eat, not paying any attention to him. Any words or actions will be considered a concession from the parents.

Do you consider this behavior of parents cruel, too strict, afraid that the child will get a psychological trauma? In fact, there is nothing in the behavior of adults of the above. They treated the son with respect and gave him the opportunity to spend time with his family, putting forward a just demand, which all members of the family should adhere to. Parents also let Justin know that they would not tolerate disrespect for themselves and would not allow him or other children to manipulate them with whims and bad behavior.

Justin has learned a simple and very important lesson: whining can not achieve anything. In this case, whims do not help him get a steak. The boy will also understand: when he whines, parents do not pay attention to him, so you need to find another way to tell them about your desire. In addition, Justin learns that there is a family budget, the possibilities of which need to be taken into account even when something is very desirable.

And now consider this situation:

Nine-year-old Laurie wants to watch a popular television series in which sexually-minded young people find themselves in an ambiguous position.

Parents Lori rightly believe: a girl to watch such films early, because after viewing she will form a wrong opinion about the relationship between guys and girls. Hearing about the ban, Laurie begins to whine that this series is watched by all the girls in the class, but she can not.

The girl begs the parents to allow her to watch the show only today and promises that she will never again ask them about it. Seeing that mom and dad are adamant, Laurie accuses her parents of forbidding her and that it would be better if they were not at all, and slams the door.

If Lori's parents adhered to autocratic methods of upbringing, they could also rudely respond to it and intimidate with punishment, spelling out their speech with statements such as:

• "It would also be better for us if you were not there!";

• "Children have only problems, it would be better if we did not have them!".

Such words and accusations from the parents look at least strange. An adult who uses such statements should know that by doing so he goes down to the level of a child and, in his own words, brings a deep psychological trauma to his son or daughter.

Parents who adhere to the principles of permissiveness, will first loudly resent the disgusting behavior of their daughter, and then yield, saying something like:

• "Well, watch the show, just stop whining";

• "Well, you can watch the show, but only today."

We all know perfectly well that a child will never stop whining if he sees that it helps him to get what he wants. Both Laurie and her parents know this. Indeed, if it was possible last week, then why not now?

Responsible approach to the educational process requires taking thoughtful and thoughtful decisions. That's why Mom and Dad Laurie must ignore her whims and continue to do their own thing. The meaning of this behavior is obvious: parents do not react to nagging, they answered "no", and further talk on this topic does not make sense.

Parents should not interfere, even if nagging is getting louder and more insistent. Let Laurie cry, get angry and slam the door - mom and dad should not pay any attention to it.

"But in this way, parents let Laurie go unpunished and behave badly," you object. This is not true. Remember: there is a big difference between ignoring nagging in the hope that the child will calm himself and be silent, and ignoring the whining because you made a conscious decision not to pay attention to moods. The first is an indicator of parental weakness, the second is an educational device that you consistently apply.

In the first case, you just do not do anything, and the child at this time is getting on your nerves. At some point you can not stand it and either explode( shout at the child, slap it), or give in to his requests. But if you made a conscious decision to ignore nagging, then you give the child to understand that he will not manage to control you through bad behavior and whims.

Think of the unusual consequences that nagging leads to. For example, to Laurie no longer slammed the door, you can for some time remove it from the hinges. The meaning of this action is clear: if you slam the door, it will disappear.

Remember that with the help of whining, the child strives first of all to achieve his own and to make sure of his own importance. That's why the children are trying to get their parents out of themselves. Having achieved the desired, the child feels its importance, but its behavior is based on incorrect guidelines.

Over time, Laurie is confident that she can assert herself only through whining, whims and bad behavior. The task of parents is to control their emotions and react in such a way that the child aspires to improve and become better. It is very important not to respond to vagaries with anger and irritation, to keep oneself in hand.

Another response to vagaries may be banning watching TV for a number of days. Faced several times with such a reaction from his parents, Laurie will learn that the wrangling about the TV does not lead to anything good. But do not forget to give the child a chance to improve in the future.

By forbidding watching TV for a while, parents should warn the child: "We'll see how things go next week, and decide when you can watch TV again."With these words, parents give the child to understand that they are hoping for the best and expect that he will improve, because he can behave differently.

It is very important for a child to know that you believe in him, feel your confidence that he can become better. Weighing your decisions and expressing faith in correction, you thereby help the child to realize his mistakes.

Do not be upset if children continue to whine, misbehave and do not listen to you. Show them words and actions that love them and believe that they can be better. Putting high demands, do not forget to express your confidence that the child will succeed.

The belief in goodness and optimism, the belief that a child can change for the better, is the most valuable thing you can give your baby. Often happens so that parents notice only bad in their child and, even when he corrects, continue to reproach him for failing and do not see his efforts. It is very important for children to know that their parents believe in them and notice even the smallest of their victories and changes for the better.

In some cases, if nagging lasted a very long time and the child does not take parental instructions, it will be necessary to completely remove the TV for a while.

Such a decision will bring some inconvenience, but it will also force the child to realize the consequences of his actions. You just need to remove the TV from the room without unnecessary words. Believe, the child perfectly understands what is happening, and for him your actions are absolutely logical.

Allow the child to stay alone for a while, to think and make an independent decision. Treat him as a best friend who does not need to explain the consequences of his actions and who should not be controlled and punished.

Respect is the basic principle of education. We are often impatient, waiting for an immediate response. But the development of the personality takes time, thoughtfulness and consistency. Parents should control their reactions to disobedience and think before doing anything or say.

In order for your actions to be consistent, adhere to the following rules:

1. Admit to yourself that nagging is abnormal and this behavior is harmful to your child.

2. Think about the appropriate answer in the most common problem situations, act carefully and calmly.

3. Act in accordance with the plan you have thought out.

4. Do not engage with the child in discussions or disputes about the fairness of the decision you made, do not pay attention to vagaries.