The first critical

"The child has become completely unbearable! Caprice to whim - every now and then complain parents of three-year-olds. And in the case of

: such a golden child was, and suddenly - stubbornness, intractability, the desire to do everything "to harm". .. How to change!

I'm heading back to the specialists - to the preschool education laboratory of the Institute of General and Pedagogical Psychology of the APN of the Russian Federation.

Our interlocutors will be today Tatyana Victor-Rockna Guskova and Marina Georgievna Elagina. They learn three-year-olds as scientists and as mothers and talk about them with the same words that they usually say when discussing the problems of adolescents:

- This is the second birth of a person. By this period, the main features are the personality, the character. What parents have formed in their child to three or four years, then it is difficult to change. In serious cases, the doctor may be powerless.

What are they about - so strange and so scary? About things everyone knows. On the problem of loneliness, about indecision, lack of life's courage. About how a person reacts to failure: one blames them only themselves, the other - only some people, the third - just a coincidence. And this type of reaction remains unchanged throughout life. About how, further, how a man objects, how he agrees, how he quarrels, how he makes peace. .. All this is laid down by three years. And it is in the crisis of three years that it is consolidated. And we, adults, do not notice it, do not take it into account. We all think that once you are far from the "fateful" 14-15 years, you can just get irritated. ..

It turns out that what we call a whim, that is, something meaninglessly burdensome, is really necessary. The famous Soviet psychologist Vygotsky believed that if a person passes a period of three or four years completely conflict-free, then this will necessarily lead to a wrong, somewhat painful internal way of life.

I'm dumbfounded, I'm worried. I raised my child "not by science";now he, therefore, pays for my ignorance?

- Well, - I ask psychologists, - all to indulge?

- No way. It's not about that at all! We simply need to understand what is happening: the child provokes conflict, because he himself needs it.

- Pretty fussy?

- It happens so.

- So what to do?

- To think. Do not give vent to feelings, but take clear pedagogical decisions. Let's analyze what the child is experiencing at this crucial moment in his life. Infant was over. The kid passed the crisis in the first year. I got up on my feet and began to save: words, skills, concepts about the world around me, about myself. Parents do not rejoice: he ate the soup and spilled very little;grabbed a broom and began to carry around on the floor, as if sweeping;I learned a dozen other animals in the zoo;the first one said to the guest "goodbye" when he saw that she was already leaving. .. She was trying to do everything "as big," and that's what touches us. And we do not stint on praise: well done!

And then it's not enough to just imitate the child. He needs to know, and quite precisely: in what exactly is he "good"?The kid persistently and stubbornly "takes out" an adult from the evaluation: for which he was praised, for which - he was scolded. He takes a broom and is already trying to get a pile of garbage gathered in the corner. And looks intently when my mother says "well done": yeah, when I brought it to the end."Good" now means "floor clean."Hence, it is necessary that my mother understand how important it is to utter completely: "Well done, the floor is clean."And it's very bad if my mother keeps silent, does not notice, does not praise. She too must understand this.

The attitude of the elders to the achievements of the child is one of the most important principles of family pedagogy. On this basis, parents can be divided into four types. The first is just: for a good praise, for a bad one is scolded.

Can it be otherwise?

Young scientists in response only look at each other: they have seen everything.

Very often there are parents of the second type:

strict. They do not react in any way to what the child did well, correctly: they say, it goes without saying. But in the failures they say a lot, they do not miss one, only they look out for them.

Marina Georgievna talks about the first-year boy, who was brought to their psychological counseling. When the teacher called him, he refused to answer until she turned the other children away from him. In the classes, figure skating agreed to go only to an empty skating rink.Порасспросили - have learned: the only child, and in a family of five adults - two grandmothers, the grandfather, mum with the daddy. None of them marked his success. And what's wrong, all five of them threw themselves. Here you have a single pedagogical position in the family, the absence of which we so often yearn for! And then she did evil service. The boy was completely deprived of the initiative: he was afraid to do wrong, say wrong, take the wrong, break, spoil, bruise, catch cold, prick. ..

The third type is an enthusiastic parent. He notices only the good, he talks about this incessantly to the child himself, to everyone around him, even bothers with talking about how wonderful his kid is. But if to compare, such an attitude is still better than constant criticism. At least the child does not grow up forever insecure, afraid of everything new, unusual - the case, the person, the circumstances of life.

But worst of all, children whose parents belong to the fourth type - "zero".That is absolutely indifferent.

- In the morning in the nursery-garden will be spoiled, in the evening they will take it away, not a single word, at home, even more so, they will feed you food and sleep. To attract attention, the child must do something unheard of. And he is a hooligan! After all, it is vitally important for him to see at least some attitude of the adult to himself.

How it happens in the families of alcoholics: even if the mother does not drink herself, she is stupid from the constant disgrace of her husband, mechanically engaged in the household, she has no mental or mental strength for the child. A child even adores even a drunkard mom: she fed him, swaddled, bathed, her hands and her voice - let him slap, shout!- for him it is more valuable than anything in the world.

Of course, in a "pure" form these four parental types are rare, they seem to "flow" one into another. Moments even loving mothers are indifferent, not realizing that if they do not evaluate the child's actions, he can not learn to understand what is good or bad.

- And the teachers in the manger, in the garden? Are the children a collective?

- Not that age, "Tatyana Viktorovna sadly shakes her head.

- Children up to seven years on each other does not affect in the sense of behavior assessment. To receive an evaluation, guidelines, in order to realize oneself as a person capable of independent actions, a child can only from a close friend, from the mother, father, grandmother, if she fights with her grandson from infancy. Only from such a person a child at an early age perceives grades, only from him he achieves with all his strength either praise or censure. ..

-. .. And only with him he allows himself whims, "Marina Georgievna picks up." One must be sure,that is completely out of himself, this adult will not deprive you of his love.

- Why do they make us angry?

- They probe the scale of what is permissible: the adult is tested to the limit to understand what and how much it can not. For the overturned vase with flowers - "go for an hour in a corner", for the bread thrown to the floor - "I do not want to talk to you", for the scissors pulled out - "put it right now, or you'll get hurt."

- And whining?"Give-da-dai. ..", "Buy-Buy-Buy. .."

- We need to find out what Mom will give in. And why really it is impossible? And suddenly if podnazhat, it turns out that you can?

- That's not all the same.

- Not everyone is stubborn, always capricious. You watch your parents, they have a secret. What can not in any way, in fact, not so much: matches, medicine, electricity, windowsills. .. Much more often we do not fulfill the legitimate demands of the child just because we are troublesome or no time to deal with it. Here he wants, like a mother, to cut a carrot with a knife. So in fact you can let! To give the knife is not too sharp, with a rounded end, to follow, to show how to hold hands. But we are in a hurry. ..

It is necessary to respect the initiative in the child, - says Tatyana Viktorovna. - In three years the ability to set a goal and achieve it is being formed, the will is being developed. It can not be suppressed. The only way is to meet them half way. But, of course, with the mind. Do you want to turn on the tape recorder? Well, let's go together: turn it on, turn it off immediately, and now let's go read a book.

- Probably, the ideal is to never forbid anything, and always help to make sure that the baby is not harmed, - I dreamed.

- For nothing in the world!- Marina Georgievna responded so happily, as if I had confirmed some of her own thoughts. And so it turned out. "I spent this" experience "with my three-year-old son. The whole day all-all allowed, but from what was dangerous, distracted. To absolutely, not at all capricious. Wet, of course, but the silence was excellent. But in the evening. .. He began to play with himself in denial: he took a cube, pushed him away from him and said: you can not, you can not! Then he put a toy near my brother, walked off to the side - and suddenly rushed, grabbed a toy, shouting: "I will not give it up!"Although his brother did not encroach on her. Three days later I repeated the "experience" - the same. I was convinced that if a child is not allowed to show so-called negative emotions( "negative" feelings) at all, he will fill this gap with play, because he is now learning to deny, object. We, adults, learn how to do it. It's good to play them;but it can drive them into themselves, into the inner plane of the psyche. And how will this later affect his health, in the future character?

I remembered a replica from the "Snow Queen" E. Schwartz: "Children should be pampered. Then out of them grow real robbers. "The framework of correct behavior is necessary: ​​it is their child who gropes, forcing the adult to show it to them. And he insists on it when an adult is unfair.

- Here is a typical picture. - Tatyana Viktorovna leafs through M. Lisin's pamphlet "Raising Early Childhood in the Family." - I was a graduate student of Maya Ivanovna, and she described my observation here."The three-year-old boy was busy with laces for a long time, and the nurse, unable to stand it, finished this work for him. The child was hurt: "All the same, I will not walk with your shoes," he frowned. "I'll untangle it, I'll tie it myself and go for a walk."The three-year-old wants to act independently and resolutely rejects assistance where he believes he can handle himself. And willingly accepts the help of an adult, when he is convinced that the task is not up to him.

- It turns out that every time a child bites, we must look for what the adult has made a mistake.

My companions exchanged glances and measuredly, patiently began to explain the elementary everyday situations from the point of view of child psychology.

- We said: you always have to think. A child can be capricious if he gets sick. Or something frightened: I saw a terrible scene on TV.Can determine the limit of patience of an adult. Or maybe it's just for self-assertion to seek to fulfill his ridiculous demand. He must sometimes be given the right to triumph over an adult: he is already beginning to notice and recognize your mistakes. It is best to do this when for you in this - a pure game. For example, you took a spoon to quickly manage with breakfast. This is an insult to him. He will tell you harshly: here you will not go for a walk for it. Notice: exactly as you say it to him. And it is necessary sometimes to obediently agree. Let him feel that you respect in him a person who is able to independently assess an unexpected situation, make a decision, achieve it.

But this is the very creative thinking that a person of the age of STS, who lives in a constantly changing world must have! It is clear why scientists are now so persistently trying to figure out the ways of its formation: life itself has set this task both scientific and pedagogical. Children who are going to grow up at the beginning of the third millennium must have very strong health - moral, physical, mental.

Tatyana Viktorovna seemed to overhear my thoughts. She spoke of the fact that the only absolute prohibition still exists. Strangely enough, it is rather a ban for the parent,. than for the child.

- Whims are not the essence of the crisis, but its symptom. They need not be afraid, they can be controlled. And there is a form of behavior that can not be controlled. If it is started and turned into a familiar one, it becomes a disease. Hysteria is difficult to treat - the hysteria with which it begins is very easy. Only hardness is needed.

Of course, those children whose mothers are prone to such reactions most often fall into hysterics: they could observe,

. 1 then repeat;and most importantly - such mothers are more likely to respond to hysterics. But hysterics can arise in the child and by itself: this is the physiological motor reaction to a strong stimulus. A keen desire to receive something is the strongest irritant, A child is a subtle psychologist. He understands parents well, their behavior, sensitively perceives a situation. He knows perfectly well: in public, parents are most concerned about what others think. And so that no one thinks that they have an ill-bred child, or they are sorry for their child, or. .. In short, a favorite children's "reception" is a hysterics in a public place. He falls to the ground, knocks his feet, yells. And you through it re-re-stu-pi-te( it's hard to argue with scientists, but it is this recommendation - to step over the child, as through a worm - causing an internal protest, and it's not a matter of people's signs - they say, if you cross,it will not grow, how many times in games we parents go over the child. It seems that the protest arises from the fact that we are the most ruthless, most barbarous way to destroy the identity of our own son or daughter.because all the real teachers - from Pestalozzi to Makarenko - call for respect for the personst.- Note. Ed.) Go ahead. Of course, slowly. Catch up!

- Literally? So, and to step over?

- And what?- Marina Georgievna is connected. "It works very well. This is unexpected: such a loving-loving adult - and suddenly step over it, as through a worm. For the first time, as the hysterics will roll, it is necessary so to make, and other time most likely never will be.

- But if it was already, and we did the wrong thing, and they repeat. How to be here?

- Exactly the same. The child must learn that this is not a way of interacting with an adult. An adult should have a zero reaction here. Then there will be no reinforcements.

- And say: "stop it," "it does not matter to me"?

- Nothing. If you say something, then you are not indifferent. Once an adult has to "discharge" with some words, it means that the child's ugly behavior has hurt him, and the child is happy: the hysteria is somehow working. And we need him to know that he never acts at all.

- It's going to turn blue. ..

- So it's brought to hysteria. If the doctor does not believe that you need drugs first, you can also take it out of everyday use with a zero reaction.

- And nothing to help? In fact it is a pity: the kid himself suffers physically and sincerely.

- You can help get out of hysterics if it drags on. At the first pause, to say clearly, calmly: ask me for a good voice, then I'll give( I'll buy, I'll do it).He will ask. And you listen: let the voice be whiny, whining, try weak, short - it's already a success. His success: he could overcome himself. And then fulfill the promise. And he will already know: a "good voice" is working, and bad - for nothing.

- And then it will be proud that I managed to find contact with you and in such a difficult situation, "adds Guskova thoughtfully." Marina, tell us about pride.

And Marina Georgievna tells. A child in three years not only learns to understand what is good and what is bad: he at the same time trains his mental abilities to be able to achieve good, and when he does badly, he must be able to experience troubles. Such training requires an internal mechanism that reinforces it as "reasonable, good, eternal", and self-confidence. The laboratory staff suggested that pride is the lever. The need to be proud of success is as great as the need for food and affection. If this need not to satisfy, then a man with a twisted, broken mentality grows up. That's why it's not enough to say "you're done, you're good".Mom should always show what he is good at, why good. And help him to be like that.

And then he will be happy. Now, in my childhood. And when he grows up, he will be able to stand firm and worthy of adversity.