how to cope with different types of jealousy.
When the older brother grabs a big cube and tries to hit the younger one, the mother, of course, is horrified and tries to shame him. But it does not work out for two reasons, The child is malevolent towards the baby, because he is afraid that his mother will now love only him. When she threatens that she will no longer love him, he comes into even greater horror and hardens. If you shame him, he will hold his jealousy. Jealousy will cause him more harm and will last longer if he suppresses it and.not to be open.
It is necessary to fulfill three conditions: to protect the baby, to show the older child that his mother will not allow him to show his anger in actions, and to assure that his mother still loves him. If the mother sees that he approaches a toddler with a grim expression and with a "weapon" in his hand, she must jump up, grab him and decisively say that he should not hurt the baby.(If he succeeds, he will feel guilt deep in his heart, and this will confuse him even more.) But sometimes, grabbing, she can embrace him and say: "I know that you sometimes feel, Johnny. You want the kid not to be and Mom did not care about him. Do not worry. Mom still loves you. "If at that moment he realizes that the mother takes his anger( not actions) and still loves him, this is the best proof that he has nothing to worry about.
As for the child who scattered the coals on the floor, the mother is naturally irritated and angry;she will probably disassemble him. But if he realizes that he did it from deep despair and bitterness, later she will try to calm him and understand what she had done to offend him so much that he could not stand it.
If a child who is sensitive and secretive in nature becomes tearful and sad, he needs caress and comfort even more than the one who pours out his feelings in action. When a child does not express his feelings directly, it will help if the mother understands understandingly: "I know: sometimes you are angry with the baby and with the mother who cares for him," and so on. If he does not respond, maybe the mother will need to hire a temporary assistant, even if she previously thought she could not afford it. If this will work and the child returns to his former cheerfulness, it is much more valuable than the money spent.
If the child is secretive and does not show his feelings, if jealousy made him a whiny or too absorbed baby, one should consult a child psychiatrist. The psychiatrist may be able to cause jealousy on the surface, so that the child will understand that he is after him, and get rid of this feeling.
If the jealousy begins to manifest, when the baby has grown enough that it is able to grab the toys of the elder, it is better to take the elder to a separate room in which he will feel safe from interference. If you can not separate a room, the father or the carpenter can build a large box or wardrobe for the things of the child, with a large lock. This will not only protect the toys;the child will carry in his pocket his own key and feel great.
Should I get him to share toys with the baby? No, you do not need to force it. Much better for him to act on the offer to give the baby a toy, because he outgrew it. This will encourage his generosity. But generosity, which has at least some meaning, must come from within, and for this, one must feel safe and love people. To force a child to share toys, when he is selfish and thinks that he is in danger, means to make these feelings stronger and more lasting.
In general, jealousy for a baby is stronger in a child under five, because he is still very dependent on the parents and he has less interests outside the family. A child six years or older is further away from parents, he has his position among friends. And the fact that he is now at home is not at the center of attention, he is not so upset. However, it would be a mistake to consider that older children are not jealous at all. Such a child also needs attention and in visible evidence of the mother's love, especially at the beginning. If a child is hypersensitive or has not yet found his place in the outside world, he needs protection in the same way as younger children. Even a teenage girl, with her growing desire to become a woman, subconsciously can be jealous of a new motherhood.
I would like to make one warning here, which may seem contradictory. Conscientious parents are sometimes too worried about jealousy and so strenuously try to overcome it in the child, that they achieve the opposite result: the child feels in greater danger. Parents can feel guilty for having a new child, being ashamed or embarrassed if caught, when they are paying attention to the baby. They will try to please the eldest. If the child finds that the parents consider themselves guilty before him, he too begins to worry. This reinforces his suspicion that something bad is happening, and makes it even worse to behave towards the baby and parents. In other words, parents should be as tactful as possible towards the older child, but should not be worried or feel guilty.