Put yourself under a microscope

To become better, show your dignity and overcome shortcomings, you need to realize yourself. The most important condition for self-improvement and self-management is the ability to reflect, that is, to reflect on one's self, to ask oneself: what kind of person am I?What am I?

In a number of countries, reflection is given special significance: for example, in Japan, a method of self-observation, called Nekana therapy, appeared. It is a process of research and reflection on your past experience, as a result of which you are transforming yourself.

It would seem that it would be easy to reflect simply But most people do not know how to reflect. For family relationships, the ability to reflect is very important. Imagine a wife who does not bother herself with questions: what am I, what are my strengths and weaknesses, what I get and what does not work out, whether I'm right or wrong, etc. Sooner or later, such a woman forces her to point out to herthe same shortcomings: for example, inability to cook, inaccuracy, incontinence in the treatment of children. It is not excluded that the husband will make a remark in a sharp form, in a little suitable for this moment. Such women are always unpleasant. But instead of thinking about the comments of her husband and the reasons that caused them, the wife emotionally retorts: "Look at yourself! Itself such! Whose cow mooed. .. ", etc. We very often react emotion to emotion without thinking about what prompted the partner to make claims.

Why are people not inclined to reflect or do it badly? I see two main reasons for this. First of all, in modern European society every person has a concept of his own "I" as something separate and self-sufficient. Inept education favors the hypertrophy of the "I", as a result, a man thinks himself almost the center of the universe, is proud not only of his virtues but also of his shortcomings, he opposes himself to other people and society as a whole, and in addition, he erects the Chinese wall in the path of self-knowledge. Consciousness bifurcates: a man, of course, understands that he is dependent on others, but at the same time the thought has been established in him: "I am the Ego."All this interferes with reflection. And some still And it seems that, considering themselves and thinking about their own "I", they are engaged in unnecessary self-discovery - and "zakompleksovatsya" you can.

Another reason for the inability to reflect is hidden in the person himself, more precisely, in his intellectual abilities. If "attention" does not work well, you will not notice much in yourself. With the shortcomings in the memory functions, you do not remember much about yourself. If thinking is unclear, it is difficult to comprehend, by the way or inappropriately you showed your "I", how to avoid mistakes in the future, how to "hide" your bad line.

There are people doomed to family conflicts, because they are not smart enough and are not able to realize themselves and their behavior. They see only the marriage partner: he is so, so, and razetaky. In themselves, they do not see anything..... Once I met a woman who, having learned that I was a psychologist, tried with my help to solve her family problems: "With a spouse it does not go well. On the basis of sex, everything is in order, but we conflict all the time. I consider myself to be a clever man, but my husband. .. ".

I hope you understand the diagnosis: this woman does not know how to reflex, she has an overestimated self-esteem, she seeks to belittle her husband, wants to impress the interlocutor - a whole bunch of qualities that make life next to her difficult. Can I help her in a quick conversation? No, because she needs to fundamentally change the course of her thoughts, and most importantly - to put herself under a microscope, as AS Makarenko said.

In my opinion, men and women reflect differently. A woman feels her "I" rather than understands him. It is more important for her to know not herself, but how she sees, evaluates and what a man thinks about her. Therefore, she so painfully perceives every word in her address, experiences the slightest hint of criticism and is happy with any, even a false compliment.

The female reflector operates according to the locator principle, all the while feeling the surrounding. A woman is at any moment ready to receive information about herself from others: tell me, what kind of person do you like, why do not you admire me, what else do I have to do to impress you?

Women are led by a natural desire to deceive and acquired the desire for emancipation. But they naively count on an exhaustive reaction of men. Since men, according to the dictates of nature and the social foundations, tend to dominate, they notice little the moods, desires of women. An exception is the state of falling in love, when other forces control the behavior.

A woman perceives the lack of proper attention to herself and thinks out the reasons: he finds me bad, unnecessary, unworthy, shallow, uninteresting, etc. But after all, I'm not that kind! She enthusiastically fantasizes, instead of testing her feelings, asking questions, finding out what the man really thinks about her.

Women's reflexion, although difficult, but quite amenable to logical analysis. She helps a woman to confirm her "I" in the eyes of others, and above all in the eyes of men.

Otherwise, reflection is organized among representatives of the strong half of humanity. They are not submerged in themselves, but also their affairs, they are almost not interested in what women think of them. And in this sense men are self-sufficient. Can not you see how satisfied they are with themselves, with what pressure they move up the career ladder, how condescending to women? The man occasionally and locally reflexes himself. Their reflective device operates on the principle of a medical probe. At the same time, the probe, dropped into the inner world, selects mainly positive, pleasant information about the male "I".

It's easy to explain. Since a man is inclined to dominate, it is unprofitable for him to appear to himself, and even less to other weak, dependent, sentimental, unintelligent. To look manly, he tries to demonstrate strength, steadfastness, independence.

If a man perceives himself through the eyes of a woman, then then the reflection closes on his own self. A man is often puzzled by the question: what does she think about what I think of myself? Imagination fills the situation to the end: does it not think that I consider myself a nerd, capable of hanging on the hook? No matter how it is! Well, make sure that I'm a real man. And he commits another, not always smart, act for the sake of his "I", which he himself programmed. Male reflexion is ingeniously muddled, in which men do not even admit themselves.

Perhaps some of the readers had an opinion that I was complicating everything, imposing some kind of reflection on which there was little use in everyday communication. Let me give you examples from my practice as a counselor-psychologist.

One of the studies involved 200 married couples, with husbands and wives with higher education from the number of engineers and employees. They all have a single marriage, lived together for 12-15 years, have one or two children.

I propose to the participants of the survey to realize themselves: a list of 32 personal qualities that are relevant to family life is given;it is necessary to put yourself an estimate for each of them from 1 to 5 points, then evaluate yourself through the eyes of the husband - what a score he would put. .. Then the same work is done by each man individually: he evaluates himself and from the point of view of his wife.

What happened? What attracts attention? First, among the women there were those who, without any pleasure and even with irritation, carried out my request. Obviously, they did not understand that they had the chance to think about their "I", to draw some conclusions. To the credit of men, they all willingly and conscientiously evaluated themselves, quickly realizing that it was not useless.

Secondly, both wives and husbands, giving themselves assessments through the eyes of the marriage partner, were significantly mistaken: about 80 percent of mismatches were identified. Women predicted somewhat more precisely the opinion of men about themselves than men - assessments addressed to their wives.

Thirdly, and this conclusion is the most unpleasant, the wives often thought that for a number of parameters their husbands are valued low, although in fact they were highly appreciated;the same applies to men.

Why are the expectations of both of them so pessimistic and erroneous? The fact is that in everyday life husbands and wives relate to each other worse than in the depths of the soul. Indeed, often in conjugal communication there are sharpness, various manifestations of displeasure with respect to each other, half-phrase, half-note, half-life, half-look, half-amiability. In such circumstances it is easy to disorient yourself and disorient the other. And then extreme situations of life are necessary, so that the wife is convinced that her husband appreciates and respects her husband to see how he cherishes and loves his wife. Probably, our general attitude to the fact that they treat us badly, affects us, they do not appreciate or respect us. As a result, it seems to me, each of us is in a state of heightened readiness for self-defense: a little bit - resentment, retaliation, "giving in".

We have a bad habit of always waiting for trouble. We are often deeply convinced that everyone we deal with has a stone in his bosom. Therefore, we are waiting for a special occasion to show our true good qualities, instead of showing them constantly. Such stereotypes of behavior have penetrated into the family.

The consequences of this are the most unpleasant. When one spouse lives waiting for a dirty trick, thinks that the marriage partner is dissatisfied with him, then the joy of family being disappears. Sediment accumulates, gradually comes disappointment in yourself or in a partner, the psyche "pulls" the evidence that suits it. There is disharmony, intimate relationships are breaking down. The ability to reflect, the habit of asking the right questions to yourself and the partner in a timely manner, clarifying the essence of the matter, could prevent a conflict.

. .. A 35-year-old man appeals for help: the threat of rape, but he loves his wife and daughter. How to be?"It's impossible to live with this woman," is his conviction.

- Whatever I do, - continues the dejected man, - the whole wife is bad, everything is not so. My dishes are for me a habitual business, I never refuse, if my wife asks. And then her mother came to visit, mother-in-law, then;I hear a conversation in the kitchen. Mother asks his wife: "Why are you all unhappy with your husband? He's good for you, he even does the dishes himself. Your father would wash the dishes for me, so I would be happy. .. "In response, his wife complains:" It's him in front of you, Mom, is drawn! "Well, how is it? Why cry? Mother-in-law came, every corner of our lives looks around, and his wife lies. .. Or the last fact. .. Fists ended. .. On March 8, I bought her a gift - a pendant. I'm going to the kitchen, not waiting for the celebration, I think - will be pleased. She looks askance:

- Is this me, or what?

- And who else? Or it is not clear?- Has descended, began to try on. ..

- How much does it cost?- Asks.

- You see, there's a price - a hundred rubles.

- To me for a hundred rubles? You, probably, naught here painted. ..

- You do not believe, ask Kolki( this is a friend of the family), together they were in the store. I still consulted him if the pendant will go to your Ryazan neck. ..

- Oh, and my neck is Ryazan! Take your rattle so that there is no spirit in it either.

In general, this scene is, of course, comical. But this is obvious to us, but the spouses ended up in a scandal, after which the issue of divorce became an edge. And the reason is the inability to reflect,.

A husband would be a bit psychologically savvy-he would ask himself: "On which sides of my" I ", does the wife react so painfully and sharply? It's clear, it's not in the dishes and not in the pendant. "The search for an answer to this question, we together and engaged. Everything turned out very quickly: "Eight years ago, he betrayed his wife - obviously, this fact greatly injured her and now it makes itself felt. Moreover, every good act of her husband makes her wife worry and fucks the memory of the past." The husband went to the kitchen to wash the dishes, and the wife in her head: "Probably, another sin is begging." He gives a pendant, and she winds herself in the mind: "Probably someone was meant to quarrel, or quarreled or conscience ate." But is it not enough that a woman who has experienced treason

What the husband should have done if he had guessed the reasonhis wife's behavior? He constantly had to prove to her that he was honest and loves. "I asked:" Did you prove to your wife that you are faithful, that you love? "Are you gentle and affectionate with her?" The answer is: "How to be gentle with her, if she's a hedgehog

And if the woman in question could reflex? She would ask herself: "What in me causes such reactions to the good deeds of her husband?" I'm sure, without much difficulty, she would have found the root cause - she can not forgetbetrayal, tormented by suspicion. So I must tell my husband by choosing the right moment. It's not too late to do it even after the drama erupted. The spouse will understand everything and will convince his wife that he is loyal to her, loves and wants peace in the family. It is these assurances that a woman lacks.

As you can see, the ability to reflect is an important thing in family relationships. Moreover, this is a sign of the psychological culture of the individual, which is extremely low in our country. It is necessary to teach the children of reflection, doing this unnoticed, by the way, in the process of communication. Best of all, when the child is still young, when willingly communicates with the father and mother, listens to their stories about life and work.

For example, a mother tells a daughter about how she evaluated and understood herself when she was a small, teenager, girl, which changed over time in self-esteem. The girl remembers everything, she likes attention and trust, and most importantly - she is taught a lesson of reflection: to talk about yourself is necessary, it is interesting. Then the mother throws the bridge to her daughter's "I": "What do you think of yourself? What do you want? "Children want and it's easy to talk about such a topic. The stereotype is reinforced: it is natural to think about yourself. You can go further: ask the child what he thinks about you, about the mother. It is possible that you will make an opening for yourself or you will have a task to change something in yourself.

If your daughter is already 15 years old, then, perhaps, it is too late to teach her reflection. You started talking about how you understood and evaluated yourself when you were a little or teenager, and your daughter, recognizing your pedagogical method, throws: "Do not, Mom, nobody cares what you were like. .." As they say, the train left...

Now let's try to improve our abilities in the field of reflection. To do this, we must try to overcome its typical shortcomings.

Lack of the first - reflection is limited in latitude. This means that a person sees himself as one-sided, reflects only on certain aspects of his "I".

In communication with the lecture audience, I repeatedly had to convince myself of this and convince my listeners. For example, I address one of those present at the lecture about the family of women with the question: "Say something about yourself as a wife. What are you? "Or:" What kind of mother are you? "In the vast majority of cases, the question is taken by surprise, women shrug their shoulders and find it difficult to say anything definite. After thinking, they name one or two traits of their character, and are often limited to a streamlined answer: "Like everyone", "No better, no worse than others."

Is not it unnatural to be ignorant of yourself? After all, the husband, the child see the woman from all sides, assess the properties of her mind, character, behavior in different situations, habits, relationships with others, and she herself does not see much or does not want to see.

Limitation of reflection is evidence of a loss of true interest in oneself. And having lost interest in ourselves, we become indifferent to others - such is the moral price of insufficient reflection.

Psychologists say that usually a person realizes only a part of himself, and many qualities, habits, states, attitudes are beyond our attention and self-criticism. For example, for the human psyche is characterized by a combination of satellite properties - positive and negative."Hand in hand" is usually "acting" such qualities as satellites, such as the desire to benefit the person and the desire to receive his appreciation, increased sensitivity and irritability, justice and aggressiveness, the purposefulness and lack of understanding of human weaknesses, excitability and depressiveness, admiration for some and neglect of others,liveliness and servility.

And how will a particular person evaluate himself? It is very likely that it is one-sided and in a favorable light. Of the qualities of the satellites, he will only attribute positive ones to his account: "I strive to benefit people, I have heightened sensitivity, I am fair, purposeful, excited, admired by talented and honest people, and livable."There was a truncation of a significant part of his "I", self-censorship worked.

We will not be too strict about self-censorship, because it is often necessary, helps us to preserve our "self", inner integrity, make a positive impression on others. The whole thing is within the limits of self-censorship, in that "it serves in a particular case - good or evil and what its result is - a useful adaptation to others or a varnishing of reality, harm to oneself."

I am sure that family well-being is possible with minimal self-censorship. Speaking about his "I", the husband and wife should be extremely frank and objective. To be deceived about their "I" - means not to notice in themselves what the marital partner sees in you every day. Do not realize and do not grind the various facets of your "I"- significantprovoke the reaction partner, to subject him to psychological operation and in general -. a person who is not aware of its versatility, variety of qualities, actions and feelings, is depleted

.

Let's draw a conclusion: if you want to increase the level of your reflection, comprehend yourself from different sides, notice the manifestations of your "I" in different situations. Realizing itself holistically, a person gets the opportunity to accept or reject himself, to correct or fundamentally change at least part of his "I", to find internal or external means and incentives for self-education.

The second defect of reflection is manifested in the fact that the attention of a person from his "I" is shifted to the "I" of others.

Usually people concentrate on analyzing the behavior, state, thoughts of others. The wife sees and assesses first of all the behavior of her husband, and he, in turn, concentrates on the words and actions of his wife. As a result, Everyone is ready to control another, but not himself. In each of us sit the administrator, manager, teacher and even dictator, and all these adherents of manipulative influence on others are ready to show creativity and intellect, use all sorts of tricks to subordinate someone to their will, principles and moods. And to change yourself, to become better yourself, you do not have enough strength.

Let us, in our home, give up the habit of watching, controlling, instructing others. We will try to see, understand, change first of all ourselves.

The third drawback of reflection is the distortion of ideas about one's self.

As a rule, a person seldom understates self-esteem - sometimes because he is complex, and sometimes because he flirts, he counts on a higher appreciation of those around him. Probably I had to hear how a woman starts to scold and condemn herself, but at the same time she keeps her eyes open - sitting next to her friends comfort her: "Well, what are you saying to yourself? You're a great wife, mother. "

But so, we repeat, it is relatively rare. Usually we somewhat overestimate ourselves. This is the consequence of our egocentrism and the education built in accordance with it. Almost everyone wants to be significant, good, better than really, although, of course, not everyone in the self and others confess.

Sometimes a person is genuinely mistaken, overestimating himself. The fact is that more often than not, each of us, recognizing in ourselves certain qualities, takes into account our potencies. In principle, people consider themselves, for example, decent, responsive, Kind, humane. This, perhaps, he is, but in his daily communication he does not always have the opportunity and the need to realize his potential qualities: for example, it is not every day that one has to manifest one's humanism. Surrounding, close, however, evaluate us on the basis of actions in everyday life and therefore often give us grades that differ from our self-assessments. Especially it concerns spouses who have lived together for 3-5 years.

If one of the spouses is not self-critical and overestimates the evaluation of their merits, then it thickens the family atmosphere. The marriage partner is forced to "break through" the defense of his "I".The more self-confident the wife, the sharper will be the criticism addressed to her by her husband. If she does not stop herself in time, she will become more and more irritated in response to her husband's comments. He, in turn, will even more strongly "press" on his wife, seeking that she change her behavior. The spouses will fall into captivity of their own emotions.

The less self-critical the mother, the more likely the protective reactions and criticism of her children. Consequently, the more reasons for emotions, mutual insults and conflicts. In many families, relationships are built on the principle of "giving": the wife tells her husband about his shortcomings, the husband - the wife, both spouses - to the children. This is due to the fact that everyone has an "impenetrable" self, an overestimated self-esteem.

People do not seek honest reflection because they are afraid to discover the worst in themselves. Even the notorious scoundrels do not see themselves in a critical light or justify their moral fall. But, strangely enough, people, psychologists say, are also afraid of the opportunity to find good in themselves. Obviously, this is due to the need to take responsibility for the quality found and its constant manifestation. And since it is difficult to do this, for example, to always be kind, a person generally avoids confessing to himself that he is kind.

Let's draw a conclusion: if you want peace in the family, strive to not be criticized, be self-critical, avoid distorted ideas about your "I".

The fourth defect of reflection is the limited depth.

Arguing with one's own self, you can sink to a greater or lesser depth. The minimum of reflection is to ask yourself: "Who am I?What am I?What are my advantages and disadvantages? "We often stop here. A deeper reflection presupposes a comprehension of the features discovered in oneself. For example, a woman says: "I'm a good wife."And what does "good" mean? Is it always possible to recognize this? Have there been situations to the contrary? Can you consider yourself in all "good" if you compare your strengths and weaknesses with the merits and demerits of other women? Reflecting in such a plane, a woman can find out that not everything and not always in her behavior corresponds to the notion of a "good" wife, that there are properties that should be shown as rarely as possible or abandoned altogether.

With deep reflection, a woman can ask herself, for example, such questions: how do I act in exceptional and ordinary situations? Why do I do this? What justifies, and what does not justify me? Why do I demonstrate certain qualities? How, where, from whom I acquired these qualities? Do I need to continue to show them and in what situations?

An even deeper reflection involves evaluating your "I" as if by another person - a marriage partner, a son or daughter, a father-in-law or a mother-in-law and other persons acting on the stage of family life. For example, the wife thinks: "What does my husband think about me? What does he like about me that I do not like? What should I develop in myself, and what should I overcome? "Or:" What does my child think about me? "Do I see the qualities that I'm proud of, or only negative? How are his conclusions about me grounded? Why did it happen that only my shortcomings are judged? How to remedy the situation? »

Similar questions and answers to them help a woman to overcome shortcomings in a timely manner, adjust the attitude to herself from others. Some women recollect too late, when others tell them about their shortcomings.

. .. The daughter suddenly ruffled her mother, accused her of callousness, selfishness, inattention. It was so unlike the girl that the woman experienced a shock, the insult filled her heart: "I've dedicated everything to you, and you tell me that!" I can assure you that the daughter's conclusion was mature for a long time, only her mother, not bothering herself with reflexion, did not notice this. But surely there were "minor symptoms" of resentment towards the mother, something has sunk into the child's soul, and now, when the girl has matured, the conclusion is made consciously, in connection with the concrete situation and in a ruthless form.

It happens that such an "unexpected" reproach, claim, act, the husband "shakes" his wife, and the wife - her husband. And again, the couple did not notice the maturing reaction to their "I", the belief in their infallibility, inattention to the status of the marriage partner, interfered. This is the common reason that a husband "suddenly" changes his wife, his wife "suddenly" begins to despise her husband, etc.

Reflection can be even deeper if a person asks himself: "What does he( she) think about what I thinkabout yourself? "Ask yourself, dear women, the question:" What does my husband think about what I think of myself? "Perhaps you will find that he considers you, for example, stubborn, selfish, but you think that you- Another. And maybe, you really are different - you are trying for the family, you are getting order. Then it is necessary to do something immediately, so that the wrong point of view is not strengthened in his mind, and to do it tactfully, to find an appropriate occasion.

In the arsenal of deeper reflection, the next question is: "What does my husband think about what I think about what he thinks of me?" Or further farther into the depths: "What does the husband think about what I think about whathe thinks about what I think about myself( or about him)? "Surely you have become entangled in the" shades of thought, but of course you have caught it. "Our brain can in principle do much more complicated operations, but we are not used to such intellectual passages inobserving one's own "I." And we will not complicate our lives, we will not seek such deep reflection."What do others think about me?", "What do they think I think of myself?" Agree that this is necessary to improve the culture of communication,in order to be accepted, respected, loved. ..

Train your ability to reflect Every attempt to talk about your "I" and how others treat you is paying off. "So, try to answer the following questions:

1. What is my role in creating a psychological climate in the family? Do I contribute to its improvement, do I violate it with my words and actions? Can I act in such a way as to influence others in the right direction, but not to inflame the family atmosphere?

2. What is my involvement in the relationship between husband and child? Do I do everything to strengthen them? Do I interfere with their normal development? Do I contribute to their deepening, and if not, how do I act? Are my efforts sufficient for the child to love and respect his father and the father for the child?

3. What does my child think about me? In his opinion, I am intelligent, attentive, kind, honest, decent?

He understands why I am strict and punish him, or does not understand and is angry? What do I need to do to achieve an understanding with him? Does he need to trust me with his troubles and secrets? If you do not trust, why? Does he see and realize how I try for the house, how sometimes it's hard for me, offensively, lonely? Does he understand that he is my only joy? If he does not understand, how should I be? Why does my child love me and love me?

4. How does my spouse treat me? Does he know my innermost thoughts? Appreciates, does he respect? If he does not appreciate and does not respect, then why? What is my fault and how can I improve it? What does he not forgive me for? Why is sometimes sharp and dissatisfied? Maybe it's me?

In conclusion, you are offered one more task., Contributing to the development of reflection. Below are listed the main personal qualities that affect the nature of marriage and relationships in the family. In the columns to the right, these qualities should be estimated from 1 to 5 points. First, assess yourself, then remember your mother and assess the presence of the same qualities in her as far as possible. Think about the revealed differences - the better you are, and the worse your mother. After that, try to see yourself through the eyes of a husband and on his behalf put yourself estimates.

The training can continue if you ask your husband to rate you. Then let him evaluate himself, his father and himself with your eyes. Only then do not have to find out the relationship. I would hate to quarrel with you.