Who in the world is more expensive?

Why do parents need children in this or that era, and parents? This is dictated by the conditions of life. With all seeming constancy, the content of related ties varies along with the change in social formations.

Everyone knows about the Spartan sample of "culling" newborns. In Sparta, boys were brought up from the boys, so children with physical defects, frail and not inspired with hopes for future military prowess, were thrown from the cliff into the abyss so that they could not ever damage the state power. Something similar was in the pagan customs of the Slavs: infants were thrown into the water - if the child swam out, he was given a life, and if he went to the bottom, it means that it was pleasing to the gods.

The cult of filial piety that existed in ancient China is amazing. Children should bow to their parents, patiently, with reverence, even bear bullying, humiliation and beating. In all likelihood, this cult not only placed certain obligations on children, but also promoted self-affirmation of parents, guaranteed them custody and security in old age.

In history, cases are known where children performed mediation functions, "connecting" parents with God. Original children were sacrificed to the gods, as evidenced by excavations in Gazera - one of the largest centers of the Canaanite cult. Children were sacrificed also on the occasion of the construction of temples and public buildings.

The child was often given a symbolic meaning: the husband was not considered a husband until the first child was born. In many peoples, the birth of the firstborn increased the status of a woman. This is the case in modern Lebanon. Only by giving birth, a woman becomes a full member of the family-related collective, and in case of death of her husband gets the right to dispose of his property until his son's majority.

The English traditionally differ somewhat ascetic - restrained, even cool - attitude towards children. Journalist V. Ovchinnikov notes this, comparing them with representatives of other nationalities. It is enough to glance at the families walking in Hyde Park from a distance: if the child is sitting on his father's shoulders or clinging to the mother's dress, if he whines, asks for something, in short, requires attention to himself, or, on the contrary, if the parents every minuteturn to the children, then urging, then pulling them - you can be completely convinced that this family is not English. The British believe that the excessive manifestation of parental love and tenderness harms the child's character. In Britain, they believe that punishing children is not only a right, but also a duty of parents. Here it is customary to restrain one's feelings - even to put the baby carriage with the baby so that the crying is not heard by the mother and does not give her the temptation to approach the child and calm him. In English families, pets clearly occupy a higher position than children. Nowhere in the world are dogs and cats surrounded by such passionate adoration. When a Londoner calls his terrier a favorite member of the family, this is not a metaphor. A bulldog or setter is given a good meat dinner, and the children who dine at school receive in the evening only a piece of bread with canned beans and a cup of tea. The man who first came to England, notes how impeccably the children are brought up here and how unceremoniously, even brashly, dogs and cats behave.

According to the British, many peoples( in particular, the Italians) are too cruel to animals and too soft with children. Italians also reproach the English in the opposite: that they are too fond of animals and too harsh to children.

And what.can we say about the nature of the relationship of parents and children in our society? It seems to me that we behave in a dual way: on the one hand, we advocate self-restraint in the name of children, a willingness to sacrifice everything for them, and on the other, we often act quite differently, pursuing our own interests first of all.

Ability for self-restraint in the name of the child is the most important indicator of the depth of parental feelings. Just do not simplify: it's not about, for example, to buy something and first of all to him, not yourself, to spend money and efforts in the struggle for his health. Such "sacrifices" are too "crude" indicators of parental love.

To love a child for real is to overcome oneself: to suppress your bad habits and passions, to subordinate his interests and aspirations to his well-being, that is, to limit the demonstration of one's nature, one's self. And it turns out to be much more difficult than satisfying the child's vital needs.

Not every mother is capable of such self-restraint. Another woman can not show willpower and at least not smoke in the presence of the baby, not to mention giving up this addiction altogether. Another banal, but convincing example - "drunken" conception and the use of alcohol by pregnant women. The abnormal lifestyle of expectant mothers complicates childbirth and leads to various pathologies in early childhood. One scientific research showed that of the 215 parents who abused alcohol, 37 premature babies, 16 dead, 36 poorly developed, and therefore disabled, 55 were ill with tuberculosis, 145 had psychiatric disorders.

In the past, people were morally more concerned with the fate of the offspring. At his own wedding, in any case, the newlyweds were not allowed to drink.

Many women are not able to limit their emotions - in the presence of a child scandal, find out the relationship with her husband, thinking that the baby does not understand anything. Of course, he may not understand the content of the replicas, but he feels the atmosphere of threat, danger. Even once.after experiencing such a scene, he is able to be frightened for life, and it is possible that later it will manifest itself in a timid character, distrust towards people, etc.

And look what we do with children to please ourselves, not wanting to compromise on our own comforts. Literally before our eyes there was a fashion to seat kids, tying them with a belt, so they would not fall into special wheelchairs. The child is almost motionless, sits in a twisted posture, the ass has failed somewhere, the knees are almost above the spout.

The child needs movement and more movement. At an early age, children develop a musculoskeletal system, they need an optimal load on the heart and lungs. In addition, the movements of the body, head, arms, legs in childhood contribute to the development of intelligence - perception, attention, thinking, memory, and hence speech.

Psychologists know that the initial stage in the formation of any skill in children is accompanied by a large number of "useless" - movements. For example, a child who learns to write moves his entire hand, eyes, head, part of his body, his tongue. Training consists in strengthening a certain part of the movements, coordinating them and eliminating unnecessary ones. Thus, the reserve and variety of movements are necessary for the development of certain abilities. The management of attention is directly related to the ability to control traffic. Who does not know how to control the muscles, is not capable of attention.

Immobility fetters the entire mental activity of the baby, limits the number of impressions coming from outside. But it is more convenient for Mom to carry him in a stroller than to hold the handle, to make sure that he does not fall, do not get dirty, is not lost.

And sometimes a young mother, so that it would not be boring to walk with a child, takes a transistor receiver with her.- It is unlikely that she will adjust it to a calm mood - most likely, will listen to a fashionable hit or a dramatic radio show. The child also hears them, sometimes half asleep, and sometimes can not fall asleep.

Ask mom the test question: "Do you manage to fall asleep under heavy rock or the sounds of detective chase?" No? What are you testing your own child? Where it would be more pleasant for him to hear the singing of birds, the noise of foliage, the quiet lullaby.

The system of education, as correctly noted by the teacher from Czechoslovakia M. Klimova-Fyugnerova, includes rest, especially if the child must sleep. The ability to create psychological comfort for the baby is one of the manifestations of the fondness. And the older the child becomes, the more mind and tact is required from the mother in the first place to ensure his peace of mind, to reasonably satisfy needs and interests.

Unwillingness to overcome oneself in the interests of children generates an intolerant attitude towards their individuality, natural dispositions and natural behavior.

The individuality of the child determines the genetically conditioned properties of the nervous system - they affect the temperament, the degree of mobility - the stagnation of emotions, sociability - isolation, openness - the closed nature. From birth, a child can be nervous, prone to heightened sensitivity and hysterical reactions.

. .. Mother and daughter, a teenager, began to cover the room with wallpaper and quarreled. The mother has a pronounced choleric temperament, so she quickly makes decisions, she does everything swiftly, although sometimes carelessly and not completely. A daughter is a complete opposite of her, sluggish, thorough, she is a phlegmatic. It is difficult for them to carry out joint work, since they operate at different rates. Mother annoyed, drove her daughter, raises her voice. A girl who does not feel guilty, it's insulting to listen to reproaches. An adult is completely wrong, because the natural properties of the child's nervous system are losing him. Is it possible in that case to resent, and even more to say offensive words?

Physicians, in particular, note that we have a high percentage of so-called mild pathology, which is a consequence of obstructed labor. It manifests itself in the fact that children are very fussy, easily excitable, and therefore respond to all changes in the environment - the mood of the father and mother, family troubles, weather, the nature of food, new impressions;And then one should not too rigidly introduce them "into the framework," teach, predetermine their mode of action. The result can turn out directly opposite: instead of obedience - disobedience and stubbornness.

By the way, an interesting assumption about the nature of stubbornness in children was expressed by AI Zakharov. This phenomenon is associated with the overload of the left hemisphere of the brain. It is known that there is a functional specialization of the cerebral hemispheres. Left - performs the functions of concrete, analytical thinking, it is the center of symbolic abstract systems, control and such higher emotions as sense of duty, duty. The right - leads a figurative, holistic mindset, this is the center of most emotions of fear and excitement, as well as subconscious processes.

Of course, such a division is conditional. In most people, the activity of both hemispheres is interdependent and mutually complementary. Nevertheless, in life there are people who "have more pronounced action of the right or left hemisphere. We, for example, we see how one child( " left hemisphere ") is easily given mathematics, languages, but they are not so successful in humanitarian disciplines. On the contrary,it is more difficult for others( "right hemisphere") to achieve high results in mathematics and languages, but they have a more developed tendency to creativity, humanitarian disciplines, they are usually more emotional and direct in expressing feelings, can suddenly, subconsciously, sometimes even in a dream, Mr.

It is known from special literature that the newborn has both hemispheres "right." Only gradually one of them becomes relatively "left" - it focuses on the functions of consciousness and speech( its semantic aspect).to two years-the age of mastery of the phrase speech and the emergence of the sense of "I" as a system of self-esteem.

Here, according to AI Zakharov, and the birth of stubbornness occurs in children whose parents are excessively moralizing, are taught, by other layerss, overload fledgling left hemisphere. In a hurry! They press! And at the same time ignore the leading emotional activity of the right hemisphere, the need for immediate, spontaneous expression of feelings, in a holistic perception.

Nature takes its toll: the right hemisphere "resists" premature braking, becoming more and more awake and working at critical speeds. This "resistance" finds expression in increased excitability, irritability due to trivialities, overly strong reaction of resentment, crying, protest on any occasion and without it.

In order not to violate the nature of the child, we must accept it as it feels and manifests itself in this period of its development. If in childhood he has a predominantly right hemisphere, one should not abuse rational forms of relations - prohibition, directions, notations. Let us give an example.

. .. Alyosha two years three months. The boy is very excited and stubborn. You can only communicate with him in an amicable way, but this does not always work out; you have to repeat the same thing several times. For example, if you play with him, mother complains( she is twenty-one years old) in a letter to the therapist, everything is fine, but it's worth saying: "Alyosha, let's collect toys" - how can he turn away and say: "I'm looking at books, TV" andetc. Mom tries to carry him away, but sometimes it does not work out. If you raise your voice, your little son will not do anything at all or start crying.

Mother reacts patiently to this, pretends not to notice him, does not hear, and after some( considerable) time Alyosha calms down. But then a new situation arises, and everything repeats itself again.

The woman is nervous, therefore she turned to a specialist. What can be said about this?

. .. The family we are talking about lives in extremely cramped conditions. Children, especially boys, in such circumstances are particularly easily excitable. And if you keep them in an iron grip, they become completely unmanageable. Naturally, there may be other causes of increased excitability, such as malaise, a negative reaction to someone from others, etc. It is advisable to weigh everything to identify a specific cause and try to eliminate it.

If the mother understands the reason for the child's behavior, it is easier for her to influence him, to develop a line of her own behavior. Really, are you going to take offense at a child who is easily excitable, if you understand that it's the fault of, say, the tightness in the apartment? Adults sometimes believe that closeness is hampered only by them, that children do not notice it, it does not work on them. In fact, the discomfort of the home is very depressing, and in other cases simply disfigures the child's psyche.

We often do not notice how in the pursuit of discipline we ignore the psychophysical resources of the child. Saying: "I played - fold the toys", "busted - take it for yourself", "screwed up - confess", "spoiled the thing - correct", "leave the book - sleep", etc., we do not take into account the fact that almost everyoneOur requirement confronts two actions of the child. One thing is interesting to him, is carried out involuntarily, on his own initiative( played, poured, nabedokuril, spoiled, read), and the other is uninteresting, requires additional effort, connection of will( fold the toys, take care of yourself, confess, correct, sleep).Parents require that one action - a pleasant one - immediately, at first instruction, go into another - unpleasant. But it does not even happen with us, adults.

Next. In no case can not constantly adjust the child, demand from him immediate execution of all instructions. Let him fulfill your request after some time.

For example, the mother says: "Did he play it? Now a little bit, rest, and then you will collect toys. "This concession is fully justified. After all, the kid gave the game all the forces, for him it was hard work.

Let's remember ourselves: when we finish any business, there comes a pause, rest, after which we put things in order at our workplace. This is done by the housewife, busy in the kitchen, a man doing carpentry or plumbing. Why do we overestimate the requirements for children? After all, they are weaker than us. It turns out that we treat ourselves to ourselves humanely, reasonably, taking into account our physical and mental resources. In relation to the same children are guided by considerations of what is proper, about the Ideal. This manifests our educational dogmatism. Let us often remember what and how we do ourselves, so as not to demand the impossible from children.

In no case should one be impatient with the "one hundred thousand why" of a child - after all, when forming his questions, he demonstrates glimpses of the intellect and the rudiments of the will. Consciousness enters a new important stage of development - active development of concepts, meanings, and social experience, when a child overcomes self-limitation, self-sufficiency, and directs his intellect outward. At this moment, the transition from the "world in itself" to the "world of others" is carried out, the mediator, the bridge of such a transition, and the question turns to an adult.

Psychologically illiterate mother, instead of stimulating cognition, the activity of the child is cut off at the root. In the course of the conversation are nervous remarks: "get off", "I do not know", "you are bored", "when will you stop talking with your tongue?", "You will know a lot - quickly grow old," "you are curious( on)", "You will grow up - you will know".Or, to quickly get rid of a little pokachki, he is given monosyllabic, unintelligible answers.

Intolerance to the child finds a vivid expression in the upbringing style of education, in constant reminders of what to do and how. He is chastised for every trifle, they say where they need to and do not: turn off the light in the corridor, wipe your feet, clean up your desk, put the bed properly, do not talk for a long time on the phone, do not stay in the toilet, do not stay late, do not postponedoing school homework, do not be friends with bad guys, be honest, do not be a coward, behave yourself, etc., etc.

It seems to you that you limit the actions of the child for his own sake, in the name of his interests. In fact, you are trying to please your own self-esteem, to subordinate your son or daughter to your will, to make them comfortable, unproblematic. Many forget that for the upbringing of a full-fledged personality, it is necessary to provide it with the opportunity for selective behavior. In other words, a child should have the right to choose a line of conduct depending on the circumstances. Unfortunately, some adults do not give children this right, restraining them with their ideas about what is proper and forbidden.

Here is just one example, taken from the newspaper of the Leningrad youth "Smena", which has the heading "Family ABC".Writes Kolya's mother V.: "All that I want for my son is happiness and peace. I know life better, I can warn him against a bad company. And he does not listen to me. All councils accept "with hostility".

Kolya V., 14 years old: "Her constant worry brings me. Step does not let you step on your own. My mother wants to live my life, she would breathe for me if she could. From her love and care, I just feel helpless, unskillful and unlucky. .. "

Most likely, as we can now judge, the reason for the conflict is that the mother is not capable of self-restraint. She literally squeezes her son in the framework of her own "I".But can this be considered a manifestation of love for him?

Inability to limit oneself in the name of children is also manifested in good intentions, not supported by concrete deeds.

You say, for example, that you want to raise a good person, but in fact a child grows on its own. You assure that you want to see your son happy, but you do very little to instill in him useful skills and qualities, without which you can not achieve prosperity. You think that you care about his health, protecting from a draft and putting tasty pieces in a bowl instead of hardening and training to control yourself.

Some mothers take for a love for a child a very different feeling when they do not like him for his own sake, but need it, since it serves as a means of meeting one or another need of an adult. Sometimes, a woman acquires a child, not to be lonely, that with his help to strengthen the family or to keep with him a beloved man. Often spouses give birth to a second or third child in order to have the right to increase living space, to obtain a new apartment. Naturally, such a utilitarian approach to children prevents sincere parental love and affection.

The most stable is the illusion of love for the child in those cases when it becomes part of the psychological mechanism of the existence of the personality of the parent. The child is perceived as a necessary condition for achieving psychological comfort. For example, some mothers facilitate the soul by taking out their depressed, offended "I" on the child. They are not satisfied with life, they can not.realize themselves in work, communicate with friends, are unable to gain authority, and then assert themselves in relations with children who help them to feel their own importance, power, power.

A mother-egoist seeks respect, subordination, or tenderness from the child. With trembling and hope she constantly turns to her little son or daughter with the question: "Do you love your mother? Come on, hug me and show me how much you love me. "Much less often the mother tells the child about her feelings and demonstrates them.

A despot mother needs a naughty, stubborn son, on which she could periodically display negative characteristics of her character. Sentimental nature uses a son or daughter as an object for the outpouring of emotions and feelings. Another woman is attached to the child as a toy - she plays it. That's why such a mother is so painfully experiencing the process of growing up a child. As soon as he ceases to be a toy, parental ecstasy and affection give way to coldness and alienation.

Do not like their children and people-owners. The psychologist A. Varga describes the inner world of the proprietor. For him, there is simply no other individual, there is an extra organ unknown to science - called "son" or "daughter".We do not sympathize with the right leg when we hurt it, or the head, if it hurts. We say: "I have a headache, a leg."And we regret ourselves at this moment. So it is with the child: he is not sick, rejoices, wins, and "I got sick( or won a prize) a child."There is no interpersonal distance between the parent and the child. The parent does not know where he ends and another person begins, even if small, but different.

The owner can not be a partner, can not communicate on an equal footing. For him, every manifestation of the child's independence and disobedience is painful. He prevents any of his affection, because he is jealous. The proprietor mother often prohibits her son or daughter from making friends with their peers, encouraging only superficial and temporary contacts, protesting against the appearance of a puppy or a kitten in the house, disapproving of activities in amateur performance or the sports section.

Reluctance to limit oneself in the name of children is manifested in the fact that they are given little time. In women, however, it is practically nonexistent. Researchers have calculated that the communication with the children of the mother-worker is cut out on weekdays about 12 minutes. The situation, frankly speaking, is catastrophic.

Finally, the reluctance to overcome, limit ourselves in the interests of children is, in our opinion, manifested in the fact that the modern family has become largely childless. Let's ask: why do many women do not want to increase the size of the family?

Studies conducted by various scientists, including us in Leningrad, showed that people, explaining the decline in fertility, most often refer to the employment of women. But women in the mass and in the past times worked hard, although the work was seasonal in nature, performed at home with free from worries about the au pair time.

Some as the reason for the decline in fertility indicate unsatisfactory material and housing conditions. This can explain the low availability of a part of families. But what about those who have good conditions and do not have a second or third child? It also happens that in families with relatively worse conditions of children more. Consequently, it is not the level of life of the spouses, but in relation to it. Many live well, but they want to live even better - this is natural. It is sad that most people cut the gap between available and desired living conditions due to restriction of childbirth.

Here we have reached the essence of the phenomenon: regulating the number of children in the family has become for modern man one of the most accessible means of meeting personal needs.

In recent times, the restriction of the number of children has not been considered as a means of organizing personal life. For example, it is impossible to imagine a peasant woman solving such a problem: whether to give birth to her fifth child, whether to refrain and to fix a new baby-racer and boots. This modern woman thinks about when and how many children to have, so that she does not harm herself. Even the appearance of the first-born often depends on considerations of material well-being, career, comfort. The future mother often reasons like this: to give birth to a child or to live for herself, to dress well, be independent, etc.

In order not to feel helpless in communicating with a child, one must constantly supplement their psychological and pedagogical knowledge. With a high level of education, modern mothers are illiterate in matters of upbringing. They have no habit of looking at the literature for parents, attending lectures by specialists.

Is it possible, loving a child, to educate him "by eye," guided only by intuition and common sense? Love involves intelligent interaction with the offspring. Sorry for the comparison, but when we start a dog in the house, we read the necessary manuals, even we pass long-term courses, studying the basics of dealing with animals. Why did not another mother open a brochure or magazine on the problems of raising children and adolescents? Is it easier to understand and educate a person?

Pedagogical curiosity is a clear indicator of love for a child. Love for a small man and pedagogical ignorance are mutually exclusive concepts. If we affirm that a child is a person, that it is difficult to understand, is individual, requires a special approach, then we recognize the need for the application of scientific knowledge in the process of its upbringing.

And when the mother signs in pedagogical illiteracy, we must make an unambiguous conclusion: her love for the child is superficial, immature, irresponsible. It is hardly justified by references to employment, family troubles and women's problems.

Of course, pedagogical enlightenment in itself is not yet proof of love for children. After all, there are people, as they say, tired of knowledge from the field of pedagogy and psychology, but do not feel special feelings for the child, do not understand his world.

Now test yourself: to what extent you are capable of self-restraint. The more often you give affirmative answers to the proposed questions, the less you are willing to sacrifice your own interests in the name of the child!

1. Did you have to drink when you were pregnant or breastfeeding?2. When you were pregnant, did you experience eating disorders, sleep, or medical advice?3. The joy that the child delivers to his parents is less than what they are deprived of because of him?4. The fewer children in a family, the better?

5. Have you ever smoked in the presence of a child?6. Do you agree with those parents who dress themselves first and then dress up the children?7. Do you get irritated by the crying of a baby?8. In your opinion, did you do the right thing in the old days when you hired a wet nurse for infants?9. Could you quietly watch TV if the baby is crying in the crib?10. Have you sometimes quarreled with your husband in the presence of a child?11. If a woman has an interesting job or a goal in life, does she have to abstain from having a second child?12. Often it happened that, walking down the street, did you forget about the next coming baby?13. Do you allow yourself abusive words in the presence of the child?14. Do you approve of those parents who carry children who are able to walk on their own in wheelchairs?15. Did you ever have to break the evil on the child?16. If the child is stubborn and does not fulfill the requirement of the parents, should he be punished?17. Are you very demanding on your son( daughter)?18. Remember, you are very annoyed with the baby's "why"?19. Do you want the child to be like you with judgments and behavior?20. You often give your son( daughter) useful instructions: how to behave, with whom to be friends, what to read, etc.?21. Do you have time to regularly read literature on the upbringing of children?22. Would you forbid the child to have a dog in the house, although the conditions permit?23. Do you approve of parents who call their children especially sonorous names?24. Tell me frankly, did you use your child as a means of obtaining any benefits, privileges for yourself?25. Do you ask the child to show how much he loves you?26. Do you always have the patience to listen to the end of the story, the request or the wishes of the child?27. How do you think, showing flashes of tenderness towards the child, the parents spoil his character?28. Can you say that the child has deceived your hopes?29. Do you share the point of view of those parents who prefer to have a rest without children?30. Do you rarely manage to find time to talk, play, talk with your son or daughter?31. Are you calmer and more comfortable when the child walks on the street longer?32. It happens that you are going to play with the child, but give up your intention, because you have found yourself another occupation?

COMPATIBLE MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING

One of the main indicators of maternal love is the understanding of your child. Only by comprehending his being, the mother is able to respond to his feelings, forgive, encourage, help overcome doubts and gain self-confidence. Understanding from the mother causes children to be frank when they can trust her with their thoughts, experiences and intimate secrets. Having understood the child, you can protect him from negative external influences.

You can not achieve understanding without looking at it, not listening attentively to the child's soul, staying at a respectful distance from the child, not merging with his world. How often do we forget that the foundation of mutual trust is being built with painstaking labor for many years.

The first "brick" of this foundation is the psychological resonance between the mother and the child, which occurs in the earliest childhood, in contact with the infant. Psychological resonance can be achieved if one tunes in to an intuitive sensation and understanding of the needs and conditions of the baby, how to "go" to the system of reflexes and reactions that control his behavior.

For quite a long time after the birth of a child, the child perceives the world only through the prism of his own sensations with the help of touch, smell, sight, and hearing. The baby's nervous system works like a radar, catching signals about the state of the internal and external environment. Any trouble causes the simplest defensive reactions - a change in the position of the body in space, the movement of handles and legs, grimaces, crying or screaming.

Gradually the child learns to selectively treat the irritants: one, familiar, familiar, does not pay attention, because they do not cause trouble, but react to others because they are not indifferent - they precede any events, warn about anything. Looking at the baby, the mother begins to comprehend, which gives him pleasure, and what annoys. These are the first attempts to achieve psychological resonance - to feel and perceive the world around them with the child, and sometimes instead of him, anticipating some of his reactions.

An observant and sensitive mother quickly catches the baby's physiological needs and reactions to the temperature change in the room, various sounds and voices, lighting effects, and touches. The child, in turn, feels this state of the mother, and a sense of security comes to him.

Did you pay attention to how the domestic cat sleeps? Here she, full, settled down in a favorite place and curled up in a ball. You can knock, speak loudly, hail a purr by name. She hardly leads her ear, a nervous tremor runs through her curved body, but she will not even lift her head, she will not open her eyes. The cat knows that it is in a familiar safe environment.

So a small person feels well and comfortable, "passing" his watchdog reactions to his mother. Between them the first intuitive form of mutual understanding was established. .

Another mother, busy with herself and her problems, at best sees only the extreme, pronounced reactions of the child, but this is clearly not enough to achieve psychological resonance.

. .. The Baby woke up and screamed at the top of his voice. Not seeing the mother in front of him at a time when he wants to eat, when it is unpleasant for him to lie in wet diapers, he thus gives a signal of alarm and despair. Mom does not hurry to approach him: "Let him make a noise, it will be stronger than sleeping!" She continues to do business, and the child does not stop. After a while the woman recides: "Well, that you cried out, my pretty! Want to eat? Oh, we have to feed, half an hour late. "Mother began to swaddle the baby, making sweet words, and he keeps crying.

Why does the mother not take his time to help him? So I want to ask her: how does she relate to those who do not pay attention to her needs, psychological discomfort? Of course, any woman will respond that she does not like people indifferent. Imagine, the baby is also of this opinion, but can not express it otherwise, as we cry.

The logic of human relations is basically very simple and true under different circumstances: it's good for us when we feel ourselves in the presence of each other out of danger. Parents, and especially the mother, for their children, the guarantor of safety, according to the apt definition of the child psychiatrist V. I. Garbuzov. Timely satisfying the baby's primary needs, the mother thereby maintains a sense of security during the infancy. On the contrary, long delays in meeting the needs for food, water, warmth, as well as an awkward clasp of the calf, sharp movements in the face of the baby can all traumatize his psyche, lead to nervous tension, the development of neuroses.

Did you pay attention to how women change diapers to a child? One does this quickly, but gently, the other nervously, sharply, the third like a soulless machine. Do you think the child does not care what kind of manipulation it produces? No matter how it is! He adjusts to this procedure as soon as he feels that his diapers have become wet. One has a smile to his ears - he knows that his mother is about to appear and will gently touch the body, gently turn. And the other eyes are filled with fear, because he waits - the mother will attack him and start fumbling with his hands, like a bird of prey claws. And for the rest of his life, fear of approaching mothers can hide in the child.

Unpleasant conditions experienced in early childhood can somehow manifest itself in the adolescent, youthful and even adult period of a person's life, in his relationships with others, and especially with his parents. Through the years it is not easy to see the connection, for example,the management of the eighth-grader and the way his mother looked after him during the infancy, how she nursed, punished or caressed. But any child psychiatrist, teacher or psychologist knows about the existence of such a connection - mental trauma and excesses of the early period of life sometimes imprint an indelible imprint on the inner world of man.

To understand a baby is not easy. After all, reactions to irritations in the newborn differ significantly from the reactions of the adult in that they remain undifferentiated for a long time, that is, they are the same for different effects. For example, if the adult immediately jerks off the foot( differentiated reaction) when the soles of the soles are irritated, the newborn, in addition to pulling back the leg, simultaneously exhibits general motor anxiety, cries( undifferentiated reaction).In ignorant parents, this causes an unreasonable tripod, they consider the child "nervous."

Mother, not always understanding the cause of crying, more often than necessary takes the child in her arms, crouchs or tries to calm the nipple. And motion sickness and nipple are bad habits that can be avoided if the cause of crying is identified and eliminated in time. Do not be frightened of it. After all, this is an information signal system, through which the child expresses his various moods and sensations. Only in this way the baby can at first "explain" with us.

Here the child screams briefly, with more or less lengthy intervals, cries are sometimes very piercing. At the same time, the baby throws up his legs, his eyes are tightly screwed up, his forehead is wrinkled - that means he's bulging his tummy. Put it on the stomach for a few minutes.

A sudden scream, sometimes turning into a frenetic cry, the baby's body is pounding, he stretches his hands in front of him, his face turns red - your baby is hungry.

The child makes a piercing scream, then a long time whimpers or starts hiccups - these are signs that he is cold. More often than not, children suffer from cold in the first three months of life, when they are not yet able to properly regulate their body temperature.

If the child whines louder, then quieter and at the same time uncomfortable, throws the legs and handles( the jaws are compressed) - that means he overheated.

If a child whines and whines then becomes stronger, it becomes weaker, but does not stop, most likely he has wet diapers.

A child whines whimpering - in the first months it means that he is bored. From the fourth month, if the kid does not have enough attention, he shrieks, then suddenly turns to quiet crying, and a minute later "loudly" complains "- in a word, he tries all the possibilities of his voice apparatus.

A sick child in most cases cries quietly. Sometimes he makes sounds, averages between squeaking and crying.

The crying of a small child signals to the observant mother and many other of his conditions. Read about it in the book of the Czech doctor Stanislav Trch "We are waiting for the child".Listening to the behavior of children is perhaps one of the most important conditions for education."Such listening," stressed A. S. Makarenko, "is a very difficult matter, it requires not only attention but also constant cautious-patient thought."

Unfortunately, in the modern era, opportunities for achieving psychological resonance between mothers and children have dramatically decreased. The fact is that young mothers transfer part of the functions of caring for the child to grandmothers and society. Children are in the care of nurseries and nurseries, their doctor takes care of their health."Watchdogs" in the minds of mothers act weakly.

It happens that the mother behaves inexcusably self-confident and carefree. Noticing that the child does not help, she thinks to herself: "We'll wait until tomorrow, if not, then take the medicine."And tomorrow he starts to stuff the child with pills and medicine, remembering what the acquaintances gave in similar cases. The kid gets worse and worse, and only now parents invite a doctor. .. Physicians are often surprised: "Where were you before, a little more, and the child could die?" In response, as a rule, the mother begins to explain in length: "I thought, it will all pass. .. She gave antibiotics. .. "

This is a dangerous sign - an antibiotic, instead of a delicate sensation and responsibility for the health of the child.

The second "brick" of the foundation of mutual understanding is the refusal to "break" the child, adjusting to his style of life. Educating a person is not a "breaking", but a reasonable, cautious adaptation of individual characteristics of a person to the requirements of society.

In an effort to "break" the individuality of the child, adults sometimes sincerely believe that they are doing a better job. But let me ask: "Is it better for someone - for society, for you or for the child?" If you mean children, then, strangely enough, they do not need to be better. They should be the same as they were created by nature.

Let me explain my idea, that it does not seem absurd. The child should be educated taking into account what it is. We must teach him to show his various qualities. No bad character - there is a character shown inappropriately. There is no bad temper - there is a temperament, according to which the child must choose the occupation, profession. No bad habits - there are habits that can not be demonstrated in this situation. With this approach to education, the style of pressure gives way to an orienting style.

The third "brick" in the foundation of mutual understanding is recognition of the child's personality. Often, the elders suppress "g, not wanting it at all and not noticing it."

Approximately to 6-8 years, children develop an idea of ​​their value and the value of others. Of course, the child begins to realize himself as a person much earlier, to about three years. Already at this age, under the influence of parents and peers, the first impression is formed of myself: whether I am good or bad, obedient or disobedient, beloved or unloved, healthy or sickly, intelligent or stupid, etc. The content of the child's self-assessments, of course,as in an adult. It is unlikely that this is an ethical, moral, meaningful understanding of one's own self. Rather intuitive self-perception: they accept me or do not accept, I am like other children, or not, they need me, or I need more.

And yet we have a personality. However, often we do not take this into account, we ignore the child's ability to draw conclusions about the nature of the relationship of adults to him and to each other. Mother and father use too frank assessments and judgments in communicating with the child, require strict obedience, often shouting and orders are often used. Parents are guided by such a consideration: small, still does not understand anything, not great personality. And they are mistaken. Their manner of behavior leaves a deep trace in the child's soul, turns him away from adults.

Father and mother believe that in the future, as soon as a son or daughter grows up, they will change the style of relationships. But their calculation turns out to be erroneous: the child grows up much earlier than the parents plan. Once he "unexpectedly" rebels against the suppression of his personality, declaring his "I" as a protest, anger. Now parents do not understand their "ungrateful" child. The conflict acquires a new content: henceforth the teachers are fighting with the rudeness and irreverence of the person being educated. As a result, everything - both the child and his parents are prisoners of mutual misunderstanding.

The fourth "brick" - knowledge of the characteristics of the child. Many mothers do not really know their children, although, if they are told about it, they will fundamentally disagree with such a conclusion.

We observe our children mainly in the same environment - at home, in the constant environment of relatives. And what are they in communicating with their peers, friends, just friends of boys and girls, with other adults? How do they behave in different situations? What do they feel and experience when confronted with the usual and unusual phenomena of everyday life? Do Mothers often ask themselves these questions?

Hardly. Usually they glide over the surface, they see the outer side of the behavior of children, then how to recognize its motives, causes, motivations. For example, the mother complains that the child is moody. And now she wants to find out from the doctor, psychologist or teacher how this is conditioned. Let me, who knows better - a mother or an outsider? The reasons for the vagaries are manifold, it is necessary to understand what exactly motivates your child to be capricious. This may be a consequence of physical discomfort, a sign of an approaching illness or a sign of trouble in dealing with parents.

Another example. A fifteen-year-old daughter pleases you with obedience, you are quite enough, and you do not reflect on the motives of her behavior. And why does she unquestioningly fulfill all requests and orders? Perhaps, I am convinced that you can not treat your mother differently? Or maybe it acts out of habit, formed under pain of punishment even in early childhood? It is also possible that she has already learned "flexibility": at home, a baby girl, and in other situations. ..

Another example. Your son enthusiastically reads "Two captains" Kaverin. You like his choice, and you think you know his inner world. But do you know what and how does he feel when he thinks about the book? What did he see and what did not notice in the relations and destinies of the heroes? What did you learn? All this you do not know, satisfied with the superficial observation of the behavior of his son.

And the more child's fears, prejudices, dreams and other hidden forces controlling a person are unknown to adults. Yes there! Habits and inclinations of their children sometimes do not know. Is it not so often that we are not able to tell them the right road in life, corresponding to the abilities of the profession. Moreover, it happens, we confuse them, we impose our ideas about the future, ignoring the real possibilities, and the interests of the son or daughter.

Many sin that the conclusions about the inner world of children do based on their own ideas. It seems to the adult that the child thinks and feels the same way. Assuming this, we admit two gross errors. First, we attribute our own, adult worldview and attitude to children, and secondly, we equate our child with the psyche.

Finally, adults often make mistakes, believing that the child does not know and does not do what his parents did not teach him. However, the palette of his feelings, judgments and actions is much more diverse than the content of lessons and examples of family education. We must believe that the spiritual world of our children is deeper and more extensive than we believe, is in it acceptable for us, adults, and unacceptable. For example, a teenager is ready to stand out at any cost and therefore is capable of absurd and even antisocial behavior.

The fifth "brick" of mutual understanding is a tender attitude towards the child. Children chronically lack parental, and above all motherly, affection. They are rarely nursed in infancy, they even more rarely caress when they go to kindergarten, when children become schoolchildren, parents completely forget about all "sentiments".And one fine time, father and mother are faced with the emotional callousness and closeness of their pupil. The results of their education turned against them.

And now let me suggest to you the judgments and questions to check the degree of mutual understanding between you and the child.

First remember the time when between the baby and the mother there is a psychological resonance:

1. Behind the baby I mostly courted myself, not my grandmother.2. When the child was very small, I very sensitively caught his needs and conditions.3. Even when asleep, I felt every movement, breathing.4 I managed to feed and swaddle the baby in time, exceptions were rare.5. I think that I have gentle, affectionate hands.6. I tried to avoid sudden movements, loud voices, so as not to scare the baby.7. I often caressed him.8. I usually quickly noticed if the child was unwell.9. Almost always worried if he had a fever.10. I tried not to give the child medication without a doctor's advice.11. I was able to notice the slightest changes in the behavior, physical and mental development of my son( daughter).12. I enjoyed watching children's fuss, playing, inventing.13. When the kid was naughty, I was more amused than angry.14. I patiently treated his moods in the morning, when I had to gather in a nursery or a kindergarten.15. When the child was small, I calmly endured various manifestations of his character.

Now try to analyze what response feelings the kid has addressed to you, to your mother:

1. If the child was unwell, he called for help first of all you?2. Did he greet you with joy after a long absence?3. Did he show concern if you were not feeling well?4. Did the kid willingly come to your arms?5. Did he want you to take him from the nursery or kindergarten?6. Did the child share delicious things with you?7. He never bit you, did not beat, did not push in anger?

Now, check whether you had a rapport with your son or daughter when you were a teenager:

1. I think I understand why my child does this and not otherwise.2. I usually easily notice the changes in his mood.3. I know his good and bad habits.4. Until now, we love to turn to childhood: we play together, read before bed, decorate the tree, etc. 5. We often discuss family matters.6. We with my son( daughter) have almost no secrets from each other.7. I have time for a sincere conversation with the child - to tell an episode from life, to dream about the future.8. We discuss together, where it is better to go to study or work for your son( daughter).9. We usually exchange impressions about what we saw, read, heard.10. We often talk about school affairs and comrades son( daughter).11. I condemn parents who want to fit their children into "good" and "right" ones.12. Carefully avoid making observations to the child, chastise him with strangers or comrades.13. In the presence of the child, my husband and I try to stop quarreling and talking, not intended for the ears of a teenager.14. I consider it immoral to buy the love of a child with expensive gifts.15. I know how the son( daughter) behaves in school, in the yard, in communicating with his comrades.16. I think that I know well the motives of actions, experiences, dreams of a teenager.

17. I guess why my child likes( do not like) some books, music, films.18, I often show tenderness and affection for the child, although it is already large.

Answers to the following questions will show whether the adolescent is in return:

1. Does the son or daughter trust you with his secrets, dreams?

2. Does the child always remember about your birthday?

3. If someone offends him, he turns to you for consolation?4. If the son( daughter) needs something, then he( she) appeals primarily to you?5. Does the child like to tell you about what he has seen, heard, or read?6. Is the child always attentive to your advice and opinions?